Advice on dealing with frustrations???

Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (Full Version)

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Blackwolf9 -> Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 6:49:51 AM)
I've been in my current M/s relationship for nearly a year now. It is the only kinky relationship that I've ever had. Before this, I had very little and only light play. I consider myself to be a switch, though I tend to lean towards submissive. Recently I've been having more trouble dealing with frustration, especially sexual frustration. I've had two explosions now, one during a punshiment that I didn't expect or agree with. The other was after a session of teasing/tormenting, which after a while I realized was not leading to sex, release, or more serious pay and got so overwhelmed by frustration that I had a melt down. Both of these have been fairly recent, and I don't remember having this sort of problem earlier in the relationship, even when dealing with orgasm control/denial. I love my Master and am otherwise very happy in our relationship, but I'm worried that these frustrations/melt downs are going to get upsetting to both Master and me. I don't want my frustrations to negatively affect or relationship! Does anyone else have these issues? Can anyone offer advice on how to deal with this frustration or channel it into something else? I want to please my Master, and I'm sure that these melt downs are NOT helping. Thank you, Black Wolf

lovingpet -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 7:05:14 AM)
First of all, have you both sat and talked over these episodes? If not, that is the first step. lovingpet

chamberqueen -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 7:45:43 AM)
The fact that they have both happened recently may mean that something has been building up inside of you. Take time to sit and think about whether you feel that your needs are somehow being denied or if something else is leading to this feeling, then calmly talk it over with your Master. Don't do it in a way that sounds like you are blaming him, but let him know that you are finding yourself feeling overwhelmed at times and need his help. It is definitely something that you both need to work on together.

feydeplume -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 8:38:38 AM)
What else is going on in your life? How much outside frustration are you dealing with and how much stress are you under at work, school, etc? And how have your worked out your needs as a switch? I sort of see two sets of 'issues' here, the switch aspect (these needs are real and don't just go away no matter how great the relationship is) and the so called real world. The world can put alot of pressure on us that we don't even realize until we have a melt down and toss a toaster through a window. Check the outside pressures and the pressures that being in a long term relationship are putting on you as a person. And yes i do believe that there is no such thing as a binary relationship; there is person A, person B, and then there is the relationship itself that exerts pressure on both people. And seriously, very very seriously, how are you getting your need to Top or Dominate met? Starving that part of your sexuality and personality usually leads to melt downs. Sometimes just toaster through the window level, sometimes to never speaking to your no ex D/M ever again and gaining bitterness that can take years to get over.

DavanKael -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 3:19:08 PM)
I deal extremely poorly with being deprived of sex. There are all sorts of things I could cite as not good but sufficed to say, nothing good comes of Davan abstaining. Perhaps sexual/orgasm restriction needs to be added to your list of hard limits or a particular length of time beyond which it is not okay fleshed out. Davan

catize -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 5:40:36 PM)
quote: Can anyone offer advice on how to deal with this frustration or channel it into something else? How have you dealt with frustrations before? Why not do the same things now?

domiguy -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 6:39:11 PM)
I'm rather old school when it comes to this sort of thing. I believe strongly in bottling this sort of shit up until it cannot be contained and simply boils over in such an epic event that you will surely make the news overseas. Unfortunately in the wake if your killing spree you will inevitably be forced to take your own life. There is a rather strict code when it comes to acts of such cowardice. Live the dream while you are still able.

VoiceOfReason -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 6:55:06 PM)
There are many paths you might walk to where you wish to be... 1. Begin by talking to your Master, as has already been suggested. It is his place, more than any other, to guide and to teach you. He knows you and understands you. With the added information of knowing why exactly you melted down, he will have methods for helping you to deal with it that are tailored to you. 2. Meditation. Taking the time to think through your feelings, to understand them and what fuels them, is the first step in learning control of those feelings. You cannot control what you do not understand. 3. Your own request mentions the concept of channeling. This is a powerful technique. What works best to channel it into is something of a personal taste, but often physical pursuits such as a sport or exercise work well to help bring you back into balance.

DesFIP -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 7:56:22 PM)
Punishing me when I don't know what I did wrong, wasn't told not to do it beforehand, or I cannot accept that it was the wrong thing to do at the time is never going to end well. It will not make me trust him more, only less. It will not make me believe that his decision making process is wise when he's just proved to me in spades that it isn't. Frustration is the least I would feel at that time. Mainly it would cause me to withdraw from him, to start to detach. If at that time he then used sex to punish me as well, to punish me for not trusting him when he had proved himself untrustworthy he would be digging himself a deeper hole. And that's what it sounds like he was doing. He knew he had lost your trust by fucking up in the punishment issue, and he was punishing you for being human and having lost trust in him. I'm not sure these frustration levels in you are anything but self defense measures. They also seem to be damn good indicators of the health of your relationship, which is getting worse. What you need here is open communication, which means you need to be able to tell him frankly how he fucked up without him punishing you for it. Doesn't sound like you have that. Better luck picking partners in the future.

RainydayNE -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 8:46:37 PM)
DesFIP's post has alot of good advice perhaps you weren't having so many feelings of frustration in the beginning because everything was new and you were just feeling it out now, maybe, you've subconsciously got something very serious going on and this is a way for you to process it? have you tried journalling? you can be as honest as you want there without worrying what anybody will say about it. self-defensive urges can turn into/cause alot of strange things, especially when we try to control them, or we have a cognitive dissonance about whether or not we should really have them. being punished for something you don't know you did, or weren't told how to do, or even not understanding why, that can cause alot of negative feelings really, journals are a great way to deal with things. getting the thoughts OUTSIDE your head can help you work them out. instead of floating around in the ether, you have to work them out enough to put them into words. sometimes seeing the words on the page really helps me get a new slant on them also, as the first reply said, talking to your Master will probably help A LOT. i don't deal well with sexual frustration either. =p writing helps me with that alot too. i don't know how it would be to have that used against me, though (is that what was going on, or did i misunderstand?) perhaps, in regards to the sexual frustration, your body is seeking some kind of cathartic experience because of all the stress, so the sexual frustration is especially heightened because you need some sort of release good luck

StormsSlave -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/12/2009 10:35:23 PM)
I prescribe masturbation (on camera, for My Lord) or some AA batteries and Bob (again, on camera, for My Lord.)

Blackwolf9 -> RE: Advice on dealing with frustrations??? (3/13/2009 5:22:53 AM)
Thank you for the advice. Master and I actually discussed all this before I posted and discussed putting up the post as well. We do try to keep communication open, and regularly discuss play and training with each other. Outside stress is probably a big factor. I just recently sold my horse, which was one of my major stress outlets/hobbies, and I'm in a job that is a lot of hours and not enjoyable. Finding another outlet may help. I guess in the meantime, domiguy, I'll try to keep the body count down. I also want to make it very clear that I'm not looking for someone else; not looking to end this. I'm looking for ways to cope with my frustration. Master makes me happier than anyone ever has, and that is not something I would lightly toss aside.

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