BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (Full Version)

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WestBaySlave -> BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 12:31:54 PM)

  Now, I should start off saying that your kink is not my my kink and all those usual disclaimers, just so that no-one gets hurt in any of this... [:)] ...but are there any common BDSM conventions that turn you off?

To think of an example from my own experience, when I'm just saying hello to someone for the first time and they say "Call me SIR!" Or sometimes, "MASTER!" I've got to admit it's a big turn off for me. Especially if they add on that I'm not being respectful, which does bother me, as there are many people I deeply respect in my life who I've never once called "Sir", "Master" or "Ma'am" and other female equivalents ( and some of these people are even dominants active in the scene ).

Now I realize it's just a common thing in the BDSM world, and it doesn't mean much more than a gas station attendant telling me to have a nice day - and frankly, I really don't care if someone wants me to call them Sir, Master, or M'lord High Bananapants - it's just that being greeted by a stranger this way is a big turn off, and a commonly encountered one at that.

So, anything in your experience that's common yet off-putting? Any convention you find as charming as a loud fart at a crowded buffet table?





Lashra -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 12:38:41 PM)

Good for you, you should not have to call anyone "Sir, Master, Ma'am, Mistress" unless you are theirs or you are in the type of environment which such titles would be protocol. A convention is not one of them as far as I am concerned.

I did have a turn off experience at one fetish market I went to. I went into the ladies room and noticed that I was being stared at by a couple of ladies, as I came out of the stall I heard one say to the other "Dominant, she should learn to be a woman". I turned and gave them a "I'm happy as a clam" look and said "Have a nice day ladies" ,Their smug looks turned to frowns and the smile on my face only got bigger as I strutted back to my handsome sub.

I do not let people and their judgments bother me. I am who I am and if they do not like it tough shit.

~Lashra



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 12:44:43 PM)

The persistence of subs to immediately turn to "Run!" "Abuse!" "He's not a real dom!" at the slightest whiff that a persons dom might not be the uber perfect fabulous spoiling image they believe all doms should be.



DrkJourney -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 12:46:14 PM)

Yeah I feel the same way but from the other end.  I really don't like people calling me ma'am or Mistress, that, to me, is reserved for those I collar.  And it really chaps me when they call me "my Mistress" and usually these are people I've never spoken to or laid eyes on in my life.

I get loads of that on here too.  They think I'm one of the fabulous "fakes" because I treat them like I would any other humanbeing that I don't know.  I treat all with respect. Until someone wears my collar they are just another person....and so many don't understand that.



camille65 -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 12:51:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

as I came out of the stall I heard one say to the other "Dominant, she should learn to be a woman".



What the heck was that supposed to mean?

So called conventions that turn me off.. well they are different things online and offline but they boil down to the same concept. Mutual respect with an emphasis on mutual.

Bowing and scraping is only done once it is an established protocol between people that know each other IMO.



YourhandMyAss -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 12:51:24 PM)

I'm pretty easy going and not much bothers me, but the over bearing and pushy doms bother me. It;s like they think that being kinky and calling yourself a dom, entitles you to the " keys to the kingdom" and we lowly subs or bottoms or what ever title we call ourselves, must kow tow to every whim of the mighty dom.
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

Now, I should start off saying that your kink is not my my kink and all those usual disclaimers, just so that no-one gets hurt in any of this... [:)] ...but are there any common BDSM conventions that turn you off?

To think of an example from my own experience, when I'm just saying hello to someone for the first time and they say "Call me SIR!" Or sometimes, "MASTER!" I've got to admit it's a big turn off for me. Especially if they add on that I'm not being respectful, which does bother me, as there are many people I deeply respect in my life who I've never once called "Sir", "Master" or "Ma'am" and other female equivalents ( and some of these people are even dominants active in the scene ).

Now I realize it's just a common thing in the BDSM world, and it doesn't mean much more than a gas station attendant telling me to have a nice day - and frankly, I really don't care if someone wants me to call them Sir, Master, or M'lord High Bananapants - it's just that being greeted by a stranger this way is a big turn off, and a commonly encountered one at that.

So, anything in your experience that's common yet off-putting? Any convention you find as charming as a loud fart at a crowded buffet table?






Pyrmidon -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 12:57:30 PM)

I'm with Lashra.   Have never insisted that any submissive/slave address me as MASTER, MiLORD or even SIR.. I tell them to use whatever they are the most comfortable with. Heck, have even offered the use of my real name.  I have always felt that is someone truly desires to submit to me, personally, then, we can settle upon a form of address they would use in a group setting, whether it be within the vanilla world, or just in our local kink group.  When it is just she and I in private, might even settle for "Hey You"   Yes, I know, that is a bit too informal.  However, she will know who her owner is and I will know who my slave is.
Titles do not determine who either I am or they are.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 12:58:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

So, anything in your experience that's common yet off-putting? Any convention you find as charming as a loud fart at a crowded buffet table?





Just about all common conventions either put me off or, at best, are lost on me. The only conventions and protocols that mean anything to me  are those that are established within the context of a relationship between me and my partner. Everything else falls into the category of "shit that other people do that doesn't have anything to do with me."



Lynnxz -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 12:58:30 PM)

I did have a creeper in a scooter follow me around at the last convention... he even butted in a conversation with "YOU SHOULD NEVER APPLY STAPLES TO YOUR TAINT! Any Dom knows that." I suppose it would have been helpful, if we had been talking about staples. Or taints. Or anything kinky at all.... we were just discussion where to go for lunch. Sadly, the whole place was wheelchair accessible, I couldn't shake him for the entire fricking weekend.

WBS, I'm not sure how you kept a straight face with someone demanding to be called master.... I might have lost it.



crouchingtigress -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 1:04:50 PM)

Threads that attempt to marginalise and alientae people who do things that turn them on.



catize -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 1:39:49 PM)

The juxtaposition of the complaints that ‘we’ are not tolerant enough of each other but should be, and the equal number of complaints that ‘we’ need to stop being part of the herd when we do happen to agree!   
<<< it isn’t really a turn off, it just makes me laugh! >>>



YourhandMyAss -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 2:25:24 PM)

Were they trying to imply that you were a drag queen or a male to female who didn't pass? OR just making rude comments about how you were not lady like in their opinions?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

Good for you, you should not have to call anyone "Sir, Master, Ma'am, Mistress" unless you are theirs or you are in the type of environment which such titles would be protocol. A convention is not one of them as far as I am concerned.

I did have a turn off experience at one fetish market I went to. I went into the ladies room and noticed that I was being stared at by a couple of ladies, as I came out of the stall I heard one say to the other "Dominant, she should learn to be a woman". I turned and gave them a "I'm happy as a clam" look and said "Have a nice day ladies" ,Their smug looks turned to frowns and the smile on my face only got bigger as I strutted back to my handsome sub.

I do not let people and their judgments bother me. I am who I am and if they do not like it tough shit.

~Lashra




littlewonder -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 2:30:20 PM)

Someone, even in the "nilla" world, calling me pet names or Ma'am.
Doms who go on about their experiences, how many slaves they've had, their devotion to the "lifestyle"
Subs/slaves who let everyone in their entire world trample all over them.

But I don't really let them get to me. Sure they're annoying but in the end I just walk away from them and figure whatever turns em on..it doesn't me.



apple2 -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 3:01:12 PM)

Hi all,

Ok... I hate being called Master by random people I do not know, or people that might be interested in us. It's a personal issue... I know. I know it's supposed to be respect. But with the full understanding of what being a master *means* I have a hard time accepting it from just anyone. My partner calls me master on an irregular basis, and it has meaning in that context- so I love it from her.

And I know that my feelings run counter to the way I was taught high protocol. I do accept without much emotional distress the title in those situations. But OMFG... some of these people who use the term "Master" have no idea what they are saying to another person.

For instance, I'm attending a private scene dinner in the coming months with some very old-time players. I'll be addressed as master during the whole thing. But in that context, these people know me well enough to confer some honor on me.

So I guess my distress over the conference of the "Master" title has to do with how lightly it is bandied about. It's probably not even a fair prejudice on my part- times change.

But it's still like fingernails on a chalkboard. In the back of my mind I always respond to those conversations with an internal dialog like the following:

(New person Intro): "Hello Master Michael, Nice to meet you! I enjoyed the flogging demo very much!"

(My internal response): "Thank you. Paint my house- and have it done by 4pm".

I know I should probably get over it. But no one is perfect.

M



VampiresLair -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 3:08:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

So, anything in your experience that's common yet off-putting? Any convention you find as charming as a loud fart at a crowded buffet table?


By far the common, though sad, belief that our relationships are disposable. That if someone does something that you dont like, or messes up once that the majority of the advice you get will go the way of "find another one" rather than how to actually cope with and fix the problem.

The other thing that majorly grinds my gears is when someone passes judgement on how "dominant" or "not dominant" an act is. No matter what the act, I dont give a damn what it is, it isnt dominant or submissive. The person is, and if I choose to wask dishes it doesnt make me any less dominant. If Fox makes his own decisions on things, it doesnt make him less submissive. The only thing worse than those who think this way are those who share their wisdom with anyone who will listen regardless of the situation.

DV



IvyMorgan -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 3:14:41 PM)

Being called Mistress confuses me.  Lots.

Being asked how I got into/whether I like the/anything to do with the "Lifestyle".



FullCircle -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 3:22:49 PM)

All of them for the most point.
[8|]



peppermint -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 3:36:46 PM)

Maybe I've been extremely fortunate, however, I have never been to any BDSM event where I saw anything like what you describe happen.  People I have met have all been friendly.  



LovingMistress45 -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 3:41:28 PM)

I hate being addressed as Mistress by anyone that is not mine and I will let anyone that uses know I don't want it.  Ma'am I will accept but have never requested any submissive to use it.  If a sub addresses me as Ma'am I take as being respectful, but I really don't need for anyone to address me by anything but my name.  Actually, at one function I attended for my name tag I had listed Carrie.  I found out during that week apparently it causes others some distress if you don't lable yourself.  My thoughts are if you want to know then ask me. 

Another pet peeve of mine is the attitude of some maledoms.  I find it interesting that some of them feel free to make remarks about how I would enjoy being topped by them, but when I make the suggestion that really they would much more enjoy my topping them - they get all offended.  hmmmmm....if I shouldn't be insulted by the offer then why should they??

Oh, and anyone that uses a scene name that has a title in it and expects me to use it.  I use my own name and I understand some perfer scene names but don't expect me to address you by a title. 




pinkwind -> RE: BDSM Conventions that turn you off... (3/14/2009 3:45:27 PM)

One thing that really gets me is all these folk who stand behind their protocol and snub anyone who tries to interact with them and does so without reference to said protocol. i have seen people get royaly bent out of shape by what they say are inappropriate approaches or questions.

Fine, snub people, that's your prerogative, but don't do it just because they aren't mind readers.

How in hell are folk to know the dynamic and specific protocols of any given relationship when encountering new people???

Some people carry pretension to who new level!




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