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Room for creative service... - 3/14/2009 7:17:17 PM

Saliran

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/29/2008
Status: offline

I don't pretend to be any sort of expert on the subject, but in the small number of experiences that I have had in relationships that were both D/s 24/7 and very much romantic, I have had a difficult time being creatively submissive.

What I mean by this is that I don't know where spontaneous kindness and shows of affection are apropriate in this lifestyle. I have had a mistress who was okay with surprise massages or small gifts or other shows of affection and graditude for her. But I have also had a mistress who felt that that kind of action was topping from the bottom, and that in Her household, acts that required I took initiave beyond her orders were not welcome.

She felt that a submissive's role is to do what is asked of her to the best of her abilty. But she also said that one in this situation would show her love and gratitude by doing what was asked of her with renewed vigor.

I am confused about what is right and proper to do in D/s relationships on lots of fronts, and while I know this veries from Dom to Domme and each opinion would be different, I would really like to hear some of your opinions on the matter.

-Salira

< Message edited by Saliran -- 3/14/2009 7:18:31 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/14/2009 7:28:17 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi.

From all the Mistresses we've met and work with and have as friends we've learned that each Mistress is different and has varied requirements, needs, and preferences. The best thing to do is to ask the Mistress what she wants and expects from you and what she likes and doesn't. Normally Mistresses don't mind subs asking. It shows you care, are considerate, and that you pay attention. We love subs asking us questions.

Hope this helps.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to Saliran)

Post #: 2

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/14/2009 7:39:06 PM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

Personally, I make it fairly well know what sort of leeway someone has to take initiative and what will not be appreciated.

I do not like someone getting random useless gifts. They take up space, spend money that can be better spent elsewhere and I am too mature for schoolgirl sentimentality over a stuffed bear or the like. I do, however, appreciate and enjoy useful gifts. I have collections of picture frames, for one, and I love framed art for the walls. Either, bought for an occasion of just because, would go over well.

I expect initiative when it comes to chores and household matters. Things should not wait until I say they need to be done if it is obvious they need done. I do NOT want initiative when paying bills. It is far too difficult to keep track of multiple people paying on the same accounts. I do that, and only me, so we do not double pay and waste money.

The rest honestly depends on the partner. With Fox, initiative is anything from setting up my coffee pot before he leaves for work and leaving me a note to turn it on when I get in (the timer doesnt work) to getting into bed on my side to warm my pillows for me while I shower. With my former Angel, initiative was getting dressed in something I would find appealing. It varies on what will be appropriate to the relationship, but with the proper communication it shouldnt be too hard to figure out.

DV

_____________________________

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10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

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(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)

Post #: 3

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/14/2009 8:31:24 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

I really enjoy some creativity and initiative, myself. I generally do not consider anything to be "topping from the bottom" which is motivated by a sincere desire to please me or show me genuine affection or respect. On the other hand, "left-handed" gifts like UNREQUESTED lingerie, shoes, D/S toys, books or gear, porn, etc. are very gauche and very unwelcome--they really are "pushy" and they don't achieve any positive effect.

I think every woman is different; the ideal gift or gesture shows that you've taken the time and you care enough to know something about the woman.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to VampiresLair)

Post #: 4

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/14/2009 8:43:29 PM

Saliran

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/29/2008
Status: offline

Thanks so much for your time and consideration.

Very glad to hear your multiple perspectives. They are very helpful. Thankyou again.

It is my hope that in the future I can ask more questions and be more pleasing to my next mistress.

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 5

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/15/2009 1:27:13 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I will establish some of this before we get too far into things and some as we go. If I don't like something I will say so and the same goes for if I do like something. However, if my submissive or prospective does something on their own, I will not in anger address it. I feel that the anger would make them afraid to act on their own emotions or creativity and would hinder them in being able to speak openly with me.

Some of this is really up to the dominant in my opinion and is for them to bring up and address in the getting to know someone process. If the time hasn't been there to know one another and some d/s is in place, then patience and lots of in the moment instruction and communication will be needed at the same time.

I have had many times where I smiled... and slowly and calmly had to explain how something wasn't to my liking and then I could expect that whatever it was didn't happen again. If it did, that is when I would be more inclined to be disappointed or upset somehow. How can doing something nice be topping if the submissive doesn't know how I feel about things? There are manipultions that are different than a note or something being done in hopes of pleasing me and for the most part I see that in behavior's of being bad to be punished more than someone trying to please me.

If you are not sure... ask before you do something. Just be yourself and enjoy your submission. Being afraid or hesitant is more of a problem than in good will, trying to be pleasing. If you like doing certain things... find a dominant that likes you doing those things. There is nothing more beautiful to me than someone blooming from living true to who they are. Well except that they bloom right along side of me. lol

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to Saliran)

Post #: 6

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/15/2009 3:31:45 AM

chezzy71

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline

Mistress Cat is the leader and i the follower.I pay attention everytime ..however,i am not a robot.I have messed up a tad as i have continued to learn and gain confidence in my own submission and Mistress Cat's leadership.I am not saying go out and mess up..it will make you a better sub.But we all find a very happy medium in what is allowed and what isn't.As stated by the knowledgeable Dominas here..communicate and keep communicating.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 7

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/15/2009 3:32:08 PM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

Saliran wrote:
What I mean by this is that I don't know where spontaneous kindness and shows of affection are apropriate in this lifestyle. I have had a mistress who was okay with surprise massages or small gifts or other shows of affection and graditude for her. But I have also had a mistress who felt that that kind of action was topping from the bottom, and that in Her household, acts that required I took initiave beyond her orders were not welcome.

There's no D/s reason that a submissive can't give gifts or affection to his or her Dominant: it's entirely up to the Dominant's taste. That said, I'd have no interest in serving somebody who wasn't open to such things. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with somebody who interpreted my gifts and affection as a mercenary act to obtain favours from her; nor would I want to be in a relationship with somebody who didn't want me to do anything without an explicit order.

beeble.

_____________________________

Kita's owned slutpet.

(in reply to Saliran)

Post #: 8

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/15/2009 4:14:33 PM

MissLaura1973

Posts: 161
Joined: 11/11/2008
Status: offline

I personally love spontaneous kindness and shows of affection - heck, I like knowing that I'm loved and desired and thought about by someone who has given themselves to me. (And it goes both ways - I like stumbling across the perfect gift and bringing it home as a surprise - vanilla or otherwise - for one of mine.) But that doesn't mean I want someone to constantly be showering me with gifts and surprises and such - really, coming home and finding the table set and a bouquet in the middle is more than enough to make my day.

_____________________________

Though boys throw stones at frogs in sport, the frogs do not die in sport, but in earnest --- Bion

(in reply to Saliran)

Post #: 9

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/15/2009 5:44:40 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

It pleases me when someone does something for me that shows that they have truly thought of me.
And, regarding initiative versus micromanagement, I think that each relationship has different flows and growing to one another's preferences, strengths, etc. is important.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to MissLaura1973)

Post #: 10

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/16/2009 1:58:56 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I do think every Dom/me is different on this. I also think it is their responsibility to tell the sub what their preference is. In My case, I would welcome little surprises and inexpensive or handmade gifts, especially if it's something I've said I would love. I also very much enjoy spontaneous hugs, love and cuddles. I also, like DV, expect initiative in terms of household chores, if they are there to be done and they are not expressly someone else's responsibility, do them, don't wait to be asked or told! The sub will be very warmly thanked!

I consider that the first 6 months of training a sub would be the time in which My style would be both explained, demonstrated and worked through. I wouldn't "go off" in a fit of pique at a first transgression ... that's totally unfair. If I've not explained this previously, then I need to do so. However, if a sub repeatedly does what I have said not to do ... then that would lead to a much more serious talk and considerations of compatability. I would find it hard to have a sub who didn't want to spontaneously do things for Me, that shows Me their submission comes from a position of adoration, not solely of obedience.

Maam Jay

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 11

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/16/2009 9:13:50 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

I think anticipatory service and gestures of the type you describe is one way a submissive can contribute with creativity and mind to the dynamic and I have seen a generally positive response to it within dommes. I can imagine someone who finds such initiative to conflict with her sense of control, or what she see to be the dynamic she would like (a more formal, servant-like dynamic) but I think there are many dominants who enjoy the initiative. As posts in this thread point out, there may be areas to avoid as part of personal preference, and as one is getting to know a dominant, it might be best to focus on areas that are not intrusive to personal space, and ask when there is doubt.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 12

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/16/2009 12:31:03 PM

MsEmpwr2

Posts: 48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Status: offline

I am going to echo others. It really does depend and the only way to know is to ask. I enjoy my slave expressing gratitude when he feels it. Yet he also knows the parameters of our relationship so he wouldn't choose an act that violated the parameters.
Hope this helps,
Celeste

(in reply to Saliran)

Post #: 13

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/16/2009 12:39:38 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

As others have already said, it is going to be very individualized. What some will love, others will not. Sometimes the line will be very fine.

As an example, if someone took the initiative to feed my horses, providing they knew what they were doing, I would be thrilled. Especially in January! But, if someone was to try and do the same thing with my dogs, I would explain to them that I prefer to do that myself. Anyone that wants to feed the fish or cat, I am cool with, as long is neither gets overfed or fed the wrong thing. It's all about the psychology of the animals, the difference between horses and dogs and how they relate to food.

Something that would really make me smile would be something like, paying attention to how I make my coffee and when. Then doing it for me. Or even just asking if they could do something they've learned I dislike doing. Like cleaning out the fridge. Or doing the dishes.

Don't worry about it too much until you are actually serving someone specific. This is an area that it's just best to ask what her wishes are.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Saliran)

Post #: 14

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/16/2009 3:16:45 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I can understand what you mean. While each relationship is different, this is something you will have to talk to your domme about and find out what she is comfortable with.

In my past relationships it was always seen as unsubmissive gestures. I was never allowed to spontaneously offer or give affection, tokens, etc...

In my current relationship I admit at times I hesitate and I'm not always sure if it is allowed or not. I think sometimes he notices and reassures me. It's definitely something where communication is key.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 15

RE: Room for creative service... - 3/16/2009 4:03:35 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Saliran, I think your story provides you with your answer.

There is no proper way or right way outside of what works in that relationship.

If you like being creative in these fashions I'd add that to my list of things to talk about before getting involved with someone. That way you can find dominants who will appreciate that action from you and think it's "topping from the bottom".

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Saliran)

Post #: 16

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