Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom?

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Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/15/2004 5:10:06 PM

NightDaughter

Posts: 264
Joined: 1/23/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
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Well this topic has come up in its various forms, so here a more direct approch. Remember this is your opinion on that matter there is no one right answer, each answer has its valid points for the person who answers it.

*So what do "you" consider early warning signs that the sub you're dealing with may be unsafe to play with?

and/or

*What do "you" consider the early warning signs that the Dom you're dealing with may be unsafe to play with?

I look forward to readings everyones view points on this topic

<edited for grammer>

< Message edited by NightDaughter -- 8/15/2004 5:34:49 PM >

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NightDaughter
My Blog - http://www.livejournal.com/users/nightdaughter/
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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/15/2004 5:24:48 PM

LadyShoshin

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From: Burlington, Ontario
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If during our email or telephone conversations, I have a reason to say no to something and they throw a temper tantrum with name calling and insults, the correspondance is over.

If a sub says they have no limits and I mention some extreme to the point of lethal types of play & they persist in saying they have no limits.

If a Dom says no safe words and begins describing a scene that violates my hard limits.

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/15/2004 5:45:50 PM

wyldhearted

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Joined: 5/17/2004
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I definately agree with LadyShoshin that a submissive who persists that they have "no" limits is definately a risky player. I am not at all a Dominant but even so know that would be a person to be very cautious of.

Answering from a submissive stand point, for me a Dominant that would be personally considered unsafe would be one that doesn't listen to you or respect your concerns or limits.

Having just experienced this personally and most definately taking the blame personally because I allowed it to happen...

A Dominant that pushes past what was agreed to upon first meeting. One that uses your submission as a weapon when you balk to "obey" his desires. One that requests more than appropriate favors when having only met him once. I guess too in being "obedient" to such things would only be fair in saying that a submissive having done the same be an unsafe person? *wincing*.

There is always a struggle between doing that is right and what is wrong. We all on both sides of the equation make mistakes. I've seen related threads and think this is an excellent topic.

Hoping to have made sense..

morgan

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

Post #: 3

RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/15/2004 5:46:27 PM

angelthighhighs

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for me its if they start talking about punishment right away..and telling me i'm earning punishment for the first meetin. also this i had happen one...i told the Dom my hard limits, he then turned around and told me that one of my hard limits was going to be my punishment and that i would get it once a week whether i was good or not in order for me to prove i was a submissive. excuse me? i don't think so... that told me for one it didn't matter if i behaved or not he was going to punish me. so why behave. it also told me he didn't respect limits. that meeting lasted maybe 30 minutes...and it was byeeeeeeeeee.

(in reply to NightDaughter)

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/15/2004 6:00:38 PM

jillwfsub4blkdom

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A couple of additional things come to mind besides the ones that have already been mentioned. First, would be isolating the submissive/slave from others in the BDSM community. Secondly, would be pushing things to happen too quickly in the relationship and not giving time to know each other better.

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"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

(in reply to NightDaughter)

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/15/2004 6:10:36 PM

wyldhearted

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I have to second jill's last sentance about a person pushing things to happen too quickly in a relationship. Well said.

morgan

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/15/2004 6:21:52 PM

kiki blue

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From: Brisbane, Australia
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Someone who is inconsistent with what they tell you, either lying outright, or changing the story each time. Someone who can only talk to you during work hours, you can't talk to them on their home phone. Someone who makes demands about what you can and can't do, when you've only just started dating. Someone who breaks into a screaming rage over anything, whether real or not. Someone who tells you that you're "not real" if you don't play with them, or do what they say. Someone who threatens you in a none fun way, in a way that does scare you.

Of course, one man's drink is another man's poison. But those are some things that would make me go "pass".

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 11:05:08 AM

afmvdp

Posts: 494
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NightDaughter those signs are normally pretty direct and obvious. If you feel uncomfortable, if you gut tells you no...then the answer is clear. It is always possible to be tricked into a false sense of security but if you follow logic and your in born sixth sense so to speak, you will easilly weed through 90% of them...and take those other 10% as a learning experience.

LadyShoshin I like messing with supposed "no limits" types and seeing how quickly their "no limits" becomes "I'm not doing that" and then I laugh. There is no such thing as "no limits" even in concept it is impossible to obtain. You'll often find the NL type to be the ones who happen to be previously engaged or unavailable when you want to take it into the real world. Normally a sure sign of an internet fake. Though I'm certain there are a few extremists that would go along with just about anything even to their own death if so directed...and those few as mentioned should be avoided like the plauge I am without doubt.

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 12:10:00 PM

Thanatosian

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From: New Castle, PA
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quote:

that meeting lasted maybe 30 minutes...and it was byeeeeeeeeee.

why did it even last that long? if he started out with that crap I wouldn't have been there 5 minutes. or did it take him that long to quit being MrNiceDom and then show his true colours?

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 12:28:34 PM

feline

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For me, it's any Dom who doesn't respect my hard limits. As well as one who tells me he doesn't believe or respect my safe words.

And I would have to say I agree with pretty much everything everyone else has said so far.

Take care,

Attachment (1)

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(in reply to NightDaughter)

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 12:31:16 PM

theroebabe

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Well for me its someone who doesnt want to know me or anything about me that could affect play.

Someone who as was mentioned throws a temper tantrum and isnt in control of themselves, is in no way going to be able to be in control of me.

The one who in while in casual conversation tries to impose a punishment without any right to do so.

One who wants to know your hard limits so he can start to immediately break me of those inihibitions.

Roe

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Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 1:08:23 PM

Leonidas

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What makes a sub dangerous is lack of self esteem. An old timer that I met when I was first starting out said it best, I think: Stay away from folks in the life who don't have anything to lose, unless you don't either.

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Take care of yourself

Leonidas

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 2:36:26 PM

starshine

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Joined: 7/28/2004
From: London
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This is why I prefer chatting on IM for a while before it even gets to the phone call stage. I've found that "unsafe" alleged Doms (not sure I'd bestow such a title on them, more like unsafe abusers) trip themselves up after about 3 chats, if that. Seeing their words in black and white, where they can't immediately say "I didn't say that" rather than "I didn't mean that" has helped me avert a good few possibly/probably unsafe situations.

I also chatted to someone whose main comments were about "punishment"; before anything else was mentioned he kept on and on about it - nothing about pleasure at all. Alarm bells rang out and I have never been so happy to see those block and delete buttons. Far easier than just hoping they won't plague you by text message or incessant calls. And then there was the one who asked what I thought I was capable of at the time and when I answered, told me I was topping from the bottom. Errr.. why ask the damn question then?... *baffled* lol.. but I digress.

I may be too cautious but I'd rather be that way than too gung ho.

Best advice? Listen to your instincts. If they squeal nooooooo, trust them

Edited to get the darn smiley to work!

< Message edited by starshine -- 8/16/2004 2:37:08 PM >

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 4:29:36 PM

MrThorns

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leonidas

What makes a sub dangerous is lack of self esteem. ...

I have to agree with this wholeheartedly. Nothing puts up a red flag quicker (for me) than a slave who is unable to enjoy being who they are.

~Thorns

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RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 5:59:48 PM

sub4hire

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I have to pretty much agree with what everyone has to say.
Especially the stories changing from moment to moment.
For me, when searching if someone pushed me for a phone conversation too soon they were discarded. As a submissive I had to protect myself. I was very real in my search. We have to feel secure. For some it doesn't take but an hour on the phone for others it may take months. It is the vibes the alledged Dom puts out, is what makes us feel secure.

I also had issues with alledged Doms telling me they would do this and that at first meeting.

Telling me my limits were their's.

Pushing my limits.

Just a few off the top of my head.

(in reply to NightDaughter)

Post #: 15

RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 8:47:57 PM

MizSuz

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People that fly off the handle at the first disappointment, or when they don't get what they thought they were going to get (never promised, they just 'thought'), people who think being upset is good enough reason to behave any way simply because they were 'upset' (think dick cheney and the bird), people who profess to want to submit and then argue every point, people who have very derogatory things to say about what isn't their kink - usually accompanied by 'that's sick' or some equivalent (I see a lot of this about s&mers from novice d/sers), people who profess to want to dominate but instead piss and moan and whine and manipulate, people who are not in control of their own life but insist on controlling yours (whether they are top or bottom)....

I could go one, but I'm sure I've probably fallen into the 'piss and moan and whine' category already.

(in reply to NightDaughter)

Post #: 16

RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 8:50:44 PM

NightDaughter

Posts: 264
Joined: 1/23/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
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Well for myself I consider any dominant who wants to push my hard limits at the first meet a no go, but also any who would be into drugs, drinks, or smokes.

I was also on guard against those that would give me their number within 24hrs of talking with them via IM, that always weared me out big time. Though one person didn't, and well in that point of fact it was a good judgement call, cause now we are to get married so that one worked out well for me.

But in general I was always leary of any dominant who came on strong or who just didn't give enough information or info that kept chaning to often.

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NightDaughter
My Blog - http://www.livejournal.com/users/nightdaughter/
"I never said that I could spell, but I do try my darndest to get my point across" - ND

(in reply to NightDaughter)

Post #: 17

RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 8:53:05 PM

MizSuz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jillwfsub4blkdom

A couple of additional things come to mind besides the ones that have already been mentioned. First, would be isolating the submissive/slave from others in the BDSM community. Secondly, would be pushing things to happen too quickly in the relationship and not giving time to know each other better.

Unless you are speaking about a new relationship in which terms have not yet been discussed I would disagree with isolationism as a warning sign.

Once the boundaries are established it is the dom's prerogative to isolate if they think it is appropriate.

(in reply to jillwfsub4blkdom)

Post #: 18

RE: Signs of an "unsafe" Sub or Dom? - 8/16/2004 9:42:09 PM

jillwfsub4blkdom

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MizSuz,
Thanks for pointing that out because i didn't clarify it. i meant isolating someone in a new relationship while it is just forming.

Thanks again,

_____________________________

"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 19

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