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Chili Cook off - 3/16/2009 5:32:33 PM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline 		I just made chili recently... and it reminded me of this:

Chili Cook OffIf you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.(I've read this probably 5 times and it never fails to reduce me to tears of laughter). Hope it does the same for you!!!If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an in experienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."Here are the scorecard notes from the event:*****************************************************CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.Â
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.*****************************************************Â CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.*****************************************************CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.*****************************************************CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? *****************************************************CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.*****************************************************CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. *****************************************************CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'l l just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/16/2009 8:29:52 PM   
Arpig


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Status: offline 		Being a life-long fan of very spicey foods, I don't understand judge#3's problem. Anybody who thinks a chili is hot should sample a good vindaloo

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/16/2009 9:00:50 PM   
SteelofUtah


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Status: offline 		Different Heat, I can Eat Curry all day and all night the Hotter the better.

Chili on the otherhand is not so kind to me and even a Mild Heat is offten too hot for me.

Just like I LOVE Wasabi and Horse Radish but many Mexican Spices are just too hot for me.

Steel

**Who still has to have Mild Taco Bell Sauce anything hotter ruins my meal**

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/16/2009 10:13:05 PM   
Termyn8or


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Status: offline 		FR

Oh to go back to the old days. Judge number four - This one was pretty good. I only had to add one half bottle of Dave's Insanity to make it edible. A bit of vinegar and it needed almost no salt. Incidentally, there is a blob of flesh on the ground that is starting to stink. I think it was Judge number three. Somebody should come and shovel it up. Last time this happened was in 1963, but it was a fella from Oregon I think. Send our apologies to the family and suggest immediate cremation.

T

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/17/2009 3:44:54 PM   
Saratov


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Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		 I've Told them and TOLD them...  Don't use yankees for judges!    But do they listen? Nooooo....

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/18/2009 4:50:40 AM   
FourQ


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Status: offline 		I first saw this around ten years ago.  You'd think after ten years you'd stop laughing at it.  This has to be one of my all time favourites.

Thanks for posting.

Hugs.


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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/18/2009 5:07:18 AM   
sirsholly


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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/18/2009 6:41:36 AM   
GreedyTop


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Status: offline 		LMAO Termy!!

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/18/2009 9:49:12 PM   
darchChylde


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Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline 		First, Texans know chili about as well as they know barbecue; or for that matter, proper hygiene.  They try, they really try; but they just can't get it right.  Go to Georgia for real chili.

Second, the event wasn't a Chili Cook Off; it was Kill the Yank day at the State Fair, with Judge Number 3 as the guest of honor.

Great Story, had Cheerios flying from my nose (when did I have Cheerios?).

PS:  No offense intended towards Texans' I know that what they do to chili is not due to maliciousness, they just don't know any better.


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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/18/2009 11:32:41 PM   
lilmissdefiant


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Status: offline 		Hmmm I didn't laugh the second time I read it

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/19/2009 7:29:59 AM   
Saratov


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Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		 darchChylde is probably one of those poor deluded east coast folks who put mustard or peanut butter in their chili.


Come to think of it... peanut butter - Georgia...   

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/25/2009 7:13:07 PM   
NightTigress


Posts: 706
Joined: 12/9/2008
Status: offline 		very cute I think I will have to send this to someone I know, a bit of a chili snob she is. Me I can't stand any form of spice...well maybe some, but I will stick to my mild sauce and salsa

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/29/2009 4:59:25 AM   
rubberpet


Posts: 1743
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Status: offline 		All this talk about spice and flavor and no one mentions southwest Louisiana...the land of Cajun cuisine.  Anyone who wants to taste true flavor and spice needs to go no further than southwest Louisiana.  We'll gladly show y'all how to cook.

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/29/2009 5:03:27 AM   
vincent63


Posts: 439
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From: jersey,then texas,now florida
Status: offline 		or, if you don't mind my saying,,that extends to south east texas as well, where the cajun influence extends across the border,,as an aside, who knows what a turducken is?

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/29/2009 5:13:17 AM   
rubberpet


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quote:

ORIGINAL: vincent63

or, if you don't mind my saying,,that extends to south east texas as well, where the cajun influence extends across the border,,as an aside, who knows what a turducken is?


Absolutely...that's what neighbors are for.   I hear there are some places in SE Texas that mix the Cajun influence with the Mexican and TexMex traditions, too.
 
A turducken is a turkey stuffed with a duck, which is then stuffed with a chicken and baked, fried, or barbequed.  Tada...a turducken!

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/29/2009 5:28:25 AM   
vincent63


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Status: offline 		you are correct, except every turducken ive ever eaten has been packed with andouille sausage stuffing

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/29/2009 5:49:03 AM   
rubberpet


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From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline 		See, there's some Cajun influence!  Sounds delicious, doesn't it?

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/29/2009 5:52:16 AM   
vincent63


Posts: 439
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Status: offline 		first time i had turducken, i was hooked for life

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RE: Chili Cook off - 3/29/2009 1:02:55 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


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Status: offline 		Turduken...... yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
 
I've been in a few chili cookoffs, in both Oklahoma and Texas.  Yall northners just don't know Chili......
 
(Had the ex while I was living in PA attempt to convince me he knew how to make "Chili" - what he actually served was canned spagetti sauce with a tablespoon of chili powder added.  When I laughed hysterically at him, gasping for breath between my gales of spasm inducing sideache causing laughter, he was terribly offended.  He nearly exploded a few days later when I made him a pot of Rhi's Nuclear Meltdown Chili and asked if I had been certified as insane prior to moving up north.  Cried, cursed, broke out in a sweat before the spoon was even in his mouth, and swore to high heaven that I was attempting to kill him.)

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