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Bringing home a "beta" - 3/17/2009 3:15:43 PM   
kikkikat


Posts: 60
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline 		I'm considering bringing a third/ beta in for my Dom's 40th birthday. 

I'm sure this has been brought up numerous times.  Bare with me as I try to explain as best I can - apologies if it gets journal-y.

Backstory:
My Dom has always wanted to bring a third/ beta into the mix.
I'm not the jealous type.  However, I'm a shy person when it comes to my body.   I think I'm more concerned about what the other person will think of me.  Though I've lost 65lbs and am feeling better about myself. 

I've had limits on this before - we had someone that He did a little tying and flogging. . but no "sexual contact".  He's also had a beta online for a long time.  Neither of those really bothered me (except when he stayed online with her late in the night instead of coming to bed a few times - LOL)

So now I'm wondering - is the reason I wanted those limits before simply because I thought I would be jealous, like most people?  Or was I making excuses to avoid being embarrassingly intimate/ exposed?

I think I wouldn't have a problem now with Him receiving oral and/ or using toys on her, even.  But do you really know until you are in the situation?

Either way, I'm looking for advice, life experiences, thoughts or anecdotes.  Also, what limits would you/ have you had on something like this?




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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/17/2009 3:26:04 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		What happens if you set this up and then the night comes and you can't handle it? I don't think having it be the great birthday present is the best possible situation. Too much stress for it to go right.

If you play publicly, then why not let him play with someone else in a public place. If you feel good about it afterwards, then you can invite her back to your place for coffee and cake. If you still feel good, then proceed to some affection on the couch. And so on. But have it be a situation that no matter when you call stop, it's still been good all the way. Doesn't matter if you make step three or step ten, they all should be positive steps.

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/17/2009 3:27:31 PM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		Well, Ex and I aren't looking for a beta, since I have no real intentions of being "alpha". However, considering my limits was something I spent a while mulling over. And, yes, it's probably not too far-fetched to assume that you're setting very strict limits on the situation so you don't get too jealous or intimate with a girl.

I think the best advise I can offer is that you really have to want it. Not to make him happy, not to follow his wishes, but because you want another girl, or you want him to play with another girl. At best, you shouldn't care...it seems like he's more involved with her than you are. However, if you don't want a girl, whether you'll admit it or not, it won't be a good situation.

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/17/2009 3:45:10 PM   
kikkikat


Posts: 60
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline 		Very good and helpful points.  Unfortunately, He doesn't want to play publicly.  Though that would have been a good fix for me. 

To add two other thoughts/ backstory to this - I'm a voyeur and there is a fantasy I have about getting to watch Him with another submissive (especially if she'll do things I'd rather not - lol).  But I wonder if it's one of those fantasies that are better in your head than it would be in real life. 

< Message edited by kikkikat -- 3/17/2009 4:17:35 PM >

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/17/2009 3:59:50 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		some fantasies are meant to be just that..fantasies.... step carefully

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/17/2009 4:49:38 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		All I can really advise is you think it over carefully and at length. You can always change a no to a yes, but you can't undo a bad experience.

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/17/2009 10:27:55 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kikkikat

So now I'm wondering - is the reason I wanted those limits before simply because I thought I would be jealous, like most people?  Or was I making excuses to avoid being embarrassingly intimate/ exposed?



As someone who has been a beta before, if you can't even figure this out, I would suggest doing some more internal searching before bringing another human being with feelings and needs and wants and complications, etc into the situation...



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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/18/2009 4:57:52 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		Just a few thoughts here...

How do you plan to pick a girl that will get him going who will be into him? (this part gets overlooked soooo often)
Have you EVER been comfortable cuddling with another female? If you are going to share space on his body, you are going to have to touch her, even if it just bumping into each other accidentally.
And why not give him two girls and go out with a friend for a few hours? Give him the fantasy and keep your baggage out of it.
There are other variations on the theme of "bringing in another person" from an afternoon fling, to sleeping over, to spending the weekend together, to dating casually.... And where is your thinking going about this gift? What if it is so much fun that 2 out of 3 or all 3 want to do it again? What will that change in your life and relationship?

Every time i have shared my M with someone, either as a group or them having some private time, it has been a different experience BECAUSE the person is a different person and the wish/dream/need/ whatever that is being filled is different.

Personally i think you might be have been hiding behind body image issues to not have to face the idea that binary sex isn't the only or best option. You didn't let the body image issues stop you from getting naked with him, did they? So why are you so sure that another female is going to, what judge you, ridicule you, do something icky to you, when she too is naked and there is a sexy man to play with in the room?

I wish you the best on this journey, because it is an emotional minefield for some and serious kudos for even facing it and trying to move past your, well past.


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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/18/2009 9:20:45 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		In my case i told master i had to be the only one.  Bringing another into it is a hard limit for me.  I admit i am a greedy sub i want all my Masters attention, i also admit i tend to be the jealous type.  If he was with another i would not get the attention i need and it would break my heart.  This is not an option for us.

Matt's littleone

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/18/2009 10:01:51 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Emotions, thoughts, behaviors. 
Emotions=automatic
Thoughts=sometimes are allowed to seem automatic, though they are controllable
Behaviors=absolutely controllable
Another person isn't an accessory; regardless of the status you're giving them, if you're bringing them into your circle, I think that the ethical thing to do is to have ahold of yourself well enough to behave regardless of what emotions come up. 
  Davan

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/18/2009 10:04:04 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I agree that simply buying two girls for the night and then going off on your own, or hiring one girl for the night and enjoying her together is a good way to go.  You don't really bring in a woman for a birthday present and decide it's all a happy triad.  Having a beta/triad is a long term process of building a family, like what you did with your master up to this point.

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/18/2009 4:21:46 PM   
ChelseaNY


Posts: 33
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline 		I would say just the fact that you noticed and felt you had to mention the fact that he stayed up with his online sub instead of coming to bed shows it does make you jealous and bothers you.  I don't really see a harm in a swinging type situation every once in a great while.  So will this be just for his birthday or could it turn into more ?  I have actually had 1 poly relationship, we even all played together one time, but other than that the time was simply divided.  You have to be very secure in yourself, your Dom, and your relationship to handle this type of thing.

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/18/2009 4:26:56 PM   
kikkikat


Posts: 60
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the great advice!! 

I realized later that "beta" was the wrong term. . kind of an oops where I wasn't thinking about the meaning.  We tend to over use that term between us because listening ears don't recognize it as anything kinky.

I didn't want to go into too much detail and write a book here - but for the sake of clarification - we were thinking more about Him having a scene with someone else.  I'm more there to watch (I'm a voyeur not an exhibitionist) interact with Him, but not necessarily interact directly with her.

And if it goes well enough to want to repeat - well, whoo hoo!!  I think it sounds like fun. . just worried the reality would be a mess. 


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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/19/2009 7:01:31 AM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

I'm considering bringing a third/ beta in for my Dom's 40th birthday


FR
Wow some gift!!
However unlike a cd of his fave artist how do you know he's going to like. get on with, find attractive the person you choose?
It's not like a gift you can return, this gift will be human with feelings and everything!!
 
I've been lucky as although my sister sub and i had no say in choosing the other, we both knew of each other from here and luckily liked each other.
 
I'd not get involved in being a gift for someone in the circumstances you describe.

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/21/2009 1:15:45 AM   
bubblesoffun


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline 		Congrats on loosing 65 lbs :)

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/21/2009 6:50:31 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		The fact is that you won't know how you will react until you are actually in the situation.  You might feel that you will do just fine and then find it too difficult to bear or vice versa. 

Why don't you talk with your Dom about it?  Tell him that it is something that you are interested in but that you honestly don't know how you'll react.  Let him know that you both want to please him and have it be somewhat enjoyable to you.  Discuss whether you are looking at it as an experiment, a one time thing to see how things go, or whether it is something that you think you would like to have as a more constant part of your life if it works out. 

I read a fantastic article on having others be sexual within our relationship.  It said that we all have jealousy - the important thing is what you do with it.  You an either nip it in the bud or you can let it grow and consume your life.  Some couples have preset rules, like no kissing on the lips of others, that make it easier on the partner most likely to become jealous.

Another thing to think about is how you will react if he really enjoys being with the woman.  Will you hold it against him later?  Or will you be able to get over it?  Being able to talk with him in advance, and having him reassure you that no matter how much he enjoys himself that you are his number one will help you greatly.




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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/21/2009 10:52:28 PM   
kikkikat


Posts: 60
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

quote:

I'm considering bringing a third/ beta in for my Dom's 40th birthday


FR
Wow some gift!!
However unlike a cd of his fave artist how do you know he's going to like. get on with, find attractive the person you choose?
It's not like a gift you can return, this gift will be human with feelings and everything!!
 
I've been lucky as although my sister sub and i had no say in choosing the other, we both knew of each other from here and luckily liked each other.
 
I'd not get involved in being a gift for someone in the circumstances you describe.


Sorry, again was trying to shorten the full details.  But it's something where He and I are looking together for someone that might be interested/ and be willing to go through a get to know you period first.  The birthday gift is my finally being willing to look into it and get the ball rolling for real.

Thanks for all of the great advice.  

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/23/2009 2:57:53 PM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		WOW,
Tread carefully. Remember the third you are bringing home has feelings and emotions also.

I like the ideas of just having a girl for the night as gift but be careful there also. What happens if he is really into her and wants to do more then you anticipated?

It sounds like you have a lot of work to do together to prepare for bringing in a third.   It's a lot of work and you have to be generous, kind, forgiving and flexible to be an Alpha. Being the alpha sometimes means taking the backseat and giving up space, time and energy to the third.  it's not easy. can be worth it  but it's not easy.

good luck

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/23/2009 4:18:27 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		have him scrip the scene for you..then step back and think about it...that might help...

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RE: Bringing home a "beta" - 3/23/2009 6:50:03 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		A beta?  Nah, they're sooooo obsolete:

http://cgi.ebay.com/Sanyo-Betacord-Beta-Betamax-VCR-model-4300-Video-Player_W0QQitemZ260371228147QQcmdZViewItemQQptZVCRs?hash=item260371228147&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1234%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A2%7C240%3A1318


  luci

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