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Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 2:03:54 PM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline 		Im sure there are many threads on this subject, but since so many new folks are coming aboard, I thought I would just start a new thread about this and see what other opinions I can get.

We talk of safe words for our submissives and how they need to know when to use them, but how about when they refuse to use them because of the fear of disappointing their Dom? I have several friends as well as my own submissive who have expressed a fear of calling out their safe word because they feel like they are going to let their Doms down. In my case, that simply isnt true, I have discussed this with my submissive at great lengths. But I also find myself easing up sometimes during a session because I just feel like he wont call his safe word out. I know that this is more than just a matter of trust, it is his deep-seated feelings of wanting to please me, that may cause him not to use his safe word, even though, to use it would please me. During our earlier sessions together, he did call out his safe word and he did feel very badly about it. He felt like he "spoiled my fun", which is not true at all.
What do you do when your submissive feels this way? Do you find yourself easing up during a session so as to protect him/her from having to use it? I know that Brian will feel AWFUL if he uses his safe word again and I dont want him to feel that way. I have talked to submissives who feel this way about using their own safe words, but I could use some advice on this from other Dominants. Submissives please feel free to respond too.
Thanks in advance.

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 2:11:42 PM   
Nuke718


Posts: 240
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		Hmmm, I never understood not being willing to use asafeword when you are told specifically TO use it if something happens that the sub can't handle. I have heard of dominants pushing a sub just to hear it, to find out where the boundaries are. I have also know of couples that got carried away in the moment and the safe word is what finally brough them back to earth.

Personall I have never used mine when bottoming, nor have I ever had a sub use hers when I wa topping. For the former fact I have no explaination other than I never reached a limit. As to the latter I suspect it is because I don't go full tilt with anyone right off the bat, and as I worked up closer to a safe word over time maybe the subs limits expanded a little as well. Maybe I am just seldom sadistic enough to push it lol.

Nuke }:-

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 2:21:40 PM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nuke718

Maybe I am just seldom sadistic enough to push it lol.

Nuke }:-


I think that this may be my problem too. Although I have pushed him further and further at each session, he doesnt call it. Although lately, I have been having him specifically tell me "More Mistress", so I at least know he is capable of speaking lol There may come a time when I guess I will have to push it to the point of him calling it, just to get him past that fear? I have no idea, I'm stumped. Thanks for responding :)

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 2:25:03 PM   
michaelGA


Posts: 1194
Status: offline 		maybe someday i'll have use for a safeword. who knows, Ma'am

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 2:36:17 PM   
doll


Posts: 296
Joined: 7/10/2005
From: Middle Georgia
Status: offline 		As a submissive I can say that I hate using my safe word. I do feel like I will disappoint Him and that is the last thing I want to do. I should probably talk to Him about my concerns. I want Him to know that I do trust Him completely, so maybe that is why I don't use it.

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 3:31:11 PM   
MistressFire70


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Something that helped me once: I found that a submissive that I was playing with was doing exactly this; not calling yellow. Thankfully, I had bee checking on him and talking to him from time to time. Long story short, I said in a very stern voice, "If you don't use the safewords when you need them and that causes me to harm you, I will never play with you again. It means you're unsafe." It worked.

Fire


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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 3:47:09 PM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressFire70

Something that helped me once: I found that a submissive that I was playing with was doing exactly this; not calling yellow. Thankfully, I had bee checking on him and talking to him from time to time. Long story short, I said in a very stern voice, "If you don't use the safewords when you need them and that causes me to harm you, I will never play with you again. It means you're unsafe." It worked.

Fire



Fire, thanks for the response. I dont think that this will work with my pet. We had a play date with a friend of ours, and pup was so nervous and over-whelmed by it, that he had a laughing fit. I kept trying to calm him down but he wouldnt stop laughing. I actually got the belt out and belted him HARD across his naked ass, to no avail. We finally stopped the camera (It was being broadcasts to a couple close friends) and I sat with him for a while to calm him down. But the point is, no matter how hard I hit him, he couldnt stop laughing. I understood that it was nerves, so I wasnt angry with him at all, just a little concerned lol
His laughter actually helped loosen our female friend/sub up a little bit too.
He has come a long long way since then, thank goodness <s>

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 3:58:22 PM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: doll
I want Him to know that I do trust Him completely, so maybe that is why I don't use it.

Angie, I think that this may be his problem as well. He knows I will not hurt him, so there is no reason to think about calling out his safe word. But I would like to push harder and after this posting I think I may. He will either say it, or get hurt. Fire is right about that.

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 7:20:43 PM   
Smythe


Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

Im sure there are many threads on this subject, but since so many new folks are coming aboard, I thought I would just start a new thread about this and see what other opinions I can get.







I know this seems radical, but I gave up on safewords a long time ago.

1. As described earlier, boys would never use them.
2. 98% of the time, if I can't read my boy, I have no business playing with him. I don't "scene" or play with people I don't know very well, and I am a very close observer.
3. 1% of the time, if he needs to stop or slow down, he can tell me in plain english and not scream a color or say "petticoats"
4. the last 1% of the time would be when he is gagged and completely immobilized, then I have his life in my hands. If I am nervous about this situation, I will give him something to hold and then drop if he is in distress.

Smythe



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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 8:08:09 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
God you are SMART.

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/24/2006 8:13:53 PM   
veronicaofML


Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline 		i have from Her.......red yellow and green.

now "I" have mixed it..
green is cool..sure..but it becomes what? brown mixed with yellow? meaning i am feeling more pressure...
and red and yellow are what? orange? means it is getting too intense.

just a me thing.
and i aint afraid to yell.

i HATE pain. She likes play..........."I" don't.


< Message edited by veronicaofML -- 1/24/2006 8:14:17 PM >

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/28/2006 9:33:00 PM   
Carameldomme


Posts: 65
Joined: 11/8/2004
Status: offline 		Personally, I find that the use of safewords is a huge disruption to play.
I do pro sessions, and I use them then, but only because I don't know the subs well enough to be sure I'm reading them correctly. I actually haven't had the bad fortune of using them during a session.

In personal play, I've used them a couple times, either because I was too impatient and excited to ease into the play or because I wasn't sure of my ability to read the submissive I played with.
Those times are long gone now; with experience, I've learned to slow down and take my time.

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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 1/29/2006 6:22:07 PM   
MichMasochist


Posts: 234
Joined: 12/23/2005
Status: offline 		Speaking for myself I can only say that I've never used the safe word because a mistress has never pushed me that far. However I have lost the ability to vocalize speach during a whipping where mistress was giving me her best strokes with a notted cat. I felt fuzzing and warm like I was floating. I remember her squeals of delight and laughter immediately following each stroke. But don't recall hearing my own screams, which she says I was.

Some call it an endorphin rush, joggers high, or sub space. But for me using a safe word simply wasn't physiscally possible. This uderscores the importants of the Domme in knowing, being alert. And using the safe word herself to end the play.

On the other hand if the subbie safe words easily. Well why play at all. :)

Seriously in my judgement a truely good mistress will skillfully cause, and prolong the pain and suffering of her submisive. Bring him to the point just short of making him safe word. While not pushing him to the point of actually using the safe word. After all he can always beg her for mercy, and she decides if and when she feels like granting him mercy. Using the safe word I thought was for when something is wrong. IE. limbs going numb, chest pains, other things like that. I suppose the subbie could use it to top from the bottom.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa



But I also find myself easing up sometimes during a session because I just feel like he wont call his safe word out. I know that this is more than just a matter of trust, it is his deep-seated feelings of wanting to please me, that may cause him not to use his safe word, even though, to use it would please me.
Thanks in advance.


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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 2/5/2006 5:46:46 AM   
dave1212


Posts: 158
Joined: 1/2/2006
From: Lancashire UK
Status: offline 		This is a subject i am interested in !!

Safe words are ok as long as you have the ability to "speak"

Holding an object "when gagged" to let "go of" when it's too much is a good idea..

But when you are "gagged" and tied or cuffed etc in such a way that you cannot possibly hold an "object" either........That is when you have to "TRUST" the person you are "playing" with !!!

In that kind of situation "Trust" becomes paramount as it is then in the hand's of your "play" partner to asses and read your body language etc and hopefully know were to draw the line ???



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RE: Safe Words (Again) - 2/5/2006 7:19:55 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Great post, MistressOfGa,

My sub is often so difficult to read because when he's in subspace he goes completely passive, almost entranced. He will not call a safe word, or even beg Me to stop, for fear of disappointing Me.

I have to read him very carefully and like you, he and I 'play a little, talk a LOT' to be certain we're both on the same page.

I know his limits. I also know how much he yearns to go beyond them to please Me.

It's a difficult balancing act.

Yes, I pull back and ease up when I know he's beyond a limit we've established before. I usually find out later, in our discussions, that he is both grateful for My care and consideration and at the same time disappointed in himself that he couldn't 'take' more. He goes through some pretty extreme self deprication over that issue.

My decisions to 'ease up' have always been right on target with him. Even though later he confessed he secretly wanted Me to 'push a little farther', I'd always prefer to err on the side of safety and precaution.

I could be MUCH harsher with thim than I am. In fact, his limits are sometimes downright disappointing. However, while it's forced us to explore some venues much more slowly than he or I would like a few times, it's also established his complete trust and confidence in Me.

I guess that's a pretty fair compromise.

So far, so good!

TM

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