RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (Full Version)

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LaTigresse -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/19/2009 2:28:33 PM)

I didn't specifically get the words, I got an action.

The real pisser of the whole thing is that she is doing the right thing, what she needs to do. It just isn't what I wanted, what served ME. Most of me really wants to be supportive and I am, but that nasty little voice inside certainly isn't.

And yes, sometimes the heart tends to get ahead of the rest of us. Then something will happen and all the best laid plans, poof. It's enough to bring my inner, foot stomping, temper tantrum throwing, child........right near escaping.



SomethingCatchy -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/19/2009 3:43:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

. Yes, I cheated

I have trust issues thanks to childhood abuse and terrible decisions on partners in the past. I realize it's my own problem to fix, and shouldn't be projected onto someone else, but that's easier said than done,

Has anyone else dealt with this?



Have you?

This is probably the whole can of worms. Why would anyone want to be with this type of person?

I wouldn't.



I'm not getting what you're saying at all.

edited for format typo



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/19/2009 6:15:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

All very good advice. We've talked about this a few different times for a few minutes since I posted. I've been feeling reluctant to really sit down and have a deep conversation with him, because life is adding a few additional stresses. He read the thread, and said that he feels in line with what TDP said, and also that he should have been more respectful. We had a good talk earlier today and I'm feeling much more confident after.


Good! If it helped a little bit, I'm glad. He's not the first guy who's had to work through something like this; a lot of guys have had to break through the exact same wall in order to get to a place where they feel more comfortable with their submission. If you like, feel free to let him know my inbox is always open. I'm sure he's a great guy, or you wouldn't be with him. It'll work out.

Things like this come up all the time in BDSM relationships, and the upside of it is that every time they do, they represent an opportunity for both people to strengthen their communication skills, broaden their understanding of themselves and their partner, and deepen their commitment to the relationship. If you treat it that way, chances are you'll both look back on it a few months from now as a lesson learned and maybe a milestone as well. Good luck to both of you!



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/19/2009 6:21:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy



I'm not getting what you're saying at all.



LOL! Yeah; SomethingCatchy, meet DomiGuy. If you're not familiar with him yet, you'll learn pretty quickly that there isn't any percentage in taking anything he says seriously. Best thing  to do is assume it's one of his jokes, and move on.



stella41b -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/19/2009 6:34:04 PM)

I'm with YHMA. I am under consideration as it were and it doesn't matter at what stage you are in getting to know someone, whether it be friendship, being under consideration or developing a relationship the three cornerstones are integrity, acceptance and understanding. It's consideration of everything, not just the two people involved but also what lies between them. Someone listing as a dominant has that dominant component in their nature just as my being a submissive is an integral part of my nature. While there may not be any play nor even a dynamic set up those components exist and they are real, and as such need to be taken into account and accepted at face value.

Obviously there are exceptions, but to me the words 'you're not the boss of me' coming out the mouth of a submissive to a dominant count as rejection - pure and simple.



MzMia -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/19/2009 6:53:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I'm with YHMA. I am under consideration as it were and it doesn't matter at what stage you are in getting to know someone, whether it be friendship, being under consideration or developing a relationship the three cornerstones are integrity, acceptance and understanding. It's consideration of everything, not just the two people involved but also what lies between them. Someone listing as a dominant has that dominant component in their nature just as my being a submissive is an integral part of my nature. While there may not be any play nor even a dynamic set up those components exist and they are real, and as such need to be taken into account and accepted at face value.

Obviously there are exceptions, but to me the words 'you're not the boss of me' coming out the mouth of a submissive to a dominant count as rejection - pure and simple.


stella, I was laughing at the statement "You're not the boss of me!", the only other
people I hear say that statement are um's, that are in pre-school!
[sm=excuseme.gif]
I am with Domiguy on this one, why in the world would someone be with someone that
said that to them?
[8|]
No offense to you OP, if it is meant for you all to be together, best of luck.



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/19/2009 8:47:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
Obviously there are exceptions, but to me the words 'you're not the boss of me' coming out the mouth of a submissive to a dominant count as rejection - pure and simple.
My sentiments exactly.   I realize that these are just relationships, and that there needs to be a significant amount of communication between two people attempting one...   But I cannot understand all of the compromising folks do in order to stay with a partner, which in my opinion, always eventually blows up because the dance/struggling gets old and tiring after the initial hotness subsides or so they tell me [8D]).

I will forgive unfortunate words, if a person rethinks them, apologizes, than tries his best not to behave in a way that reminds me of those words; otherwise, we may as well let the thing crash and burn sooner than later.   I will date a vanilla gentleman with a good attitude any day, rather than play kinky top to anyone.    M



DesFIP -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/21/2009 5:05:28 PM)

As a submissive female, I have to admit I did feel like this early on. Early being the first year or so. It simply takes time to get used to changing all your habits. And it takes a shared history together seeing that the dominant does not fuck up often, and is capable of changing when you point out a mistake, before you feel safe enough to submit on a deeper level.

To me, it's a sign he was frustrated and anxious and felt pushed too far and too fast. You tried to take control and he held on to it because he wasn't comfortable giving it to you. Do you want to wrest control or do you want him to willingly hand it over?



DesFIP -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/21/2009 7:28:58 PM)

Having time to return to this after thinking about it I would like to add that one thing most men I know don't have are appropriate words for emotions. Women find it easier to say that we feel frustrated/resentful/pushed too hard and fast. Men don't seem to identify the emotions that drive these kinds of comments.

If he had said "please slow down, you're going too fast and I'm having trouble accepting it" you wouldn't have been as upset as getting this comment made you. But if he only knows fear, and doesn't like to admit it, and anger which is a much more acceptable emotion for a man, then what will come out will be angry comments even if what is behind them is fear and uncertainty.



Andalusite -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/22/2009 11:36:18 AM)

I think that the way he put it was rude, and meant to be distancing. Even if someone wasn't yet owned, if he wanted me to be his submissive, I would expect him to *try* to do what I want, and politely tell me if he has difficulties (or give me a "yellow" safeword/etc. if appropriate).

I would probably try to draw out what is actually going on emotionally for him, rather than dumping him over it, though.



SomethingCatchy -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/22/2009 12:02:43 PM)

We've talked about the problem more in depth, and he told me he didn't realize it had hit that deep. He's apologized more than once, despite me telling him he's forgiven so I believe he's truly sorry. This weekend went well, and I felt confident enough to sit down and go over a contract with him to get everything right before we commit to the collaring.

He's told me that he wants me to collar him, he's told me he wants to be mine, and he's shown he's more than willing to be flexible and work with me. I'm very proud of him. All your comments have helped us (but him especially) realize what was really going on. Thank you everyone.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/22/2009 12:03:57 PM)

I'm glad that everything is working out well!  You knew it wouldn't be easy.  [;)]



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/22/2009 12:17:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

We've talked about the problem more in depth, and he told me he didn't realize it had hit that deep. He's apologized more than once, despite me telling him he's forgiven so I believe he's truly sorry. This weekend went well, and I felt confident enough to sit down and go over a contract with him to get everything right before we commit to the collaring.

He's told me that he wants me to collar him, he's told me he wants to be mine, and he's shown he's more than willing to be flexible and work with me. I'm very proud of him. All your comments have helped us (but him especially) realize what was really going on. Thank you everyone.


And there you go. Good for both of you. Good for him for learning the lesson in this situation, good for you for making the decision with your heart and with your head instead of with your ego, and good for both of you for turning a crisis of communication into an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. You came here asking for advice, but I think a lot of the people offering you advice could, in fact, learn a lesson or two from you.



trappedinamuseum -> RE: "You're not the boss of me!" and similar (3/22/2009 12:34:56 PM)

I would never say "You're not the boss of me yet", mostly because I am not a two year old.

However, I am in the same boat.  I don't call it "under consideration", but according to him, when I am with him I am owned, and we do have some sort of relationship, just not fully committed.

In saying that, there have been times when he has asked me to do something or tell him something and I have said, "I don't feel comfortable doing that with you just yet, as this is not a fully committed relationship.  Mostly, I try to communicate that I "am not there" yet.  I still recognize his authority, and I am still respectful and communicative, but I also keep my boundaries well known, especially because I am not completely his.

Could this be what he means?  Obviously, he needs to find a better way of saying that, but I think there is something going on under the surface here.



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