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Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/18/2009 6:00:25 PM

weldedcollar

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline

Hello, Im a submissive male , I have a Domme friend who may post a profile here on Collarme, to which her goal is to find a real, quality, submissive male for a contractual, D/s TPE  relationship.
Her concern is discerning the true sub/slave from the fakes quickly.
Could a Domme who is experienced, please tell me, the vetting, process which will quickly remove those who are only in a fantasy,
In the vetting process,
Do you do background checks ?
Is prospective sub to supply, phone number,social security,etc
Medical past of sub, STD's mental illness etc.
I'm here to try to help my Friend , she once was my Domme.   and finding another gem like myself, well that's getting hard to do , these day's..   just my
attempt at alittle humor ..
Thank You,    weldedcollar

Post #: 1

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/18/2009 6:22:52 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm probably going to regret writing this post. I'm not much for advice today, but I'll do the best I can.

You know, a person could do all of the things that you listed above and there are going to be times that it really just doesn't make a difference. There's no way to gauge whether a person is a submissive or a bottom or just some person who has a few fantasies. Worse yet, there's no way to tell what kind of person they are until time proves or disproves their character. It happens, even to the best of us.

Some of the things on your list are worth mention. A person's medical and physical state should be discussed prior to any type of play. That should always happen before any scene. For example, as a Top I do play every now and again with a couple of folks who are diabetic. I need that information, as well as what they've eaten that day, to know that I'm not going to harm them. (I bring them sugar free treats for after care.)

A phone number is always useful. A land line if possible. Not everyone is comfortable giving that out at first, but if there's no substantial reason, I'd watch for that. Personally, I don't give Mine out because I'm a female and I don't play at home unless it's under the house rules. (Long story. I'm poly and Mister Pact's in Korea.) Just today, I was reminded of how glad I am that at least one person doesn't have My home address.

Nobody should be giving out their social security number. Three words. Credit card fraud.

Like I said, I'm not very helpful today, and I'll apologize for that. Welcome to the boards. I hope you'll enjoy participating here.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to weldedcollar)

Post #: 2

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/18/2009 6:34:55 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I will echo LadyPact and say that there is no perfect solution. If there were, I would have it posted prominently, believe me!

How did this lady come to know you? Did you become friends at a gradual pace, or did she want your last three years tax returns and references from your high school English teacher?

The internets are what they are, a place where anyone can be anyone. I suggest that she be EXREMELY clear about what she wants and doesn't want, put up a nice picture and maybe have you screen her mail so she doesn't have to look at allllll the wankmail. Though honestly, I do get a lot of laughs from the oddballs.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/18/2009 7:27:40 PM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

If I were a woman, I'd probably have a standard form that I'd send out to all applicants, just to test for basic literacy and comprehension.
It just seems like that'd be necessary, given all the mail that women get.

I've advertised before as part of a couple, looking for sub males, and even just keeping a couple of dozen replies straight can be tricky if you don't prepare for it.

Prying further information from them beyond "I'm horny" (I'm interpretting and translating here) was like pulling teeth in most cases.

I don't know any female dominants personally , but I understand from reading CM that they get about a zillion solicitations from guys.

I think some kind of standard (which would involve something like a form questionnaire) would be a good instrument to cut through the first layer of crap, at least.

But, what would one ask?...

(in reply to weldedcollar)

Post #: 4

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/18/2009 8:13:58 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Write a profile. Give clear instructions of how you are to be approached and addressed, by whom, and for what reasons. Delete all messages that make it clear that someone has not read the profile. (And no, a blanket spam statement of "I read your profile and decided to write you" does not count when I clearly state that I do not go for chat programs or cam-domination, and your message asks me for both!)

Problem solved. There will be very few genuine human beings who reply to any profile, no matter how good the photos are or how well-written it is.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 5

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/18/2009 8:22:02 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

I'm obviously not a Domme, but I am someone who's become rather paranoid about fakes and has not found a solution.

One man I met online...

- Seemed intelligent, charming, and 100% compatible when it came to D/s Master/slave desires...
- Spoke on the phone, emailed extensively and articulately, and allowed me to ask any questions I felt I needed to...
- Gave me his personal history, his address, phone number, and invited me to speak with others to verify what he said..
- Arranged to meet in person as soon as possible, didn't ask for money or help, didn't demand sex...

...and you know what? He turned out to be a fake and a liar.

I'm not sure there is a moral to this story, other than to say there's never a 100% guaranteed way of proving someone is who they say they are. ( Torturing it out of them may be fun, but isn't terribly legal.

)

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 6

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/18/2009 8:45:34 PM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

there will be ur fakes/wankers no matter where u are... a person has to set their ground rules before beginning a search. there is no right or wrong way of filtering folks. ask questions, be critical, and analyze...that is my thoughts.

good luck to u and ur Domme friend...

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to weldedcollar)

Post #: 7

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/19/2009 5:31:44 AM

weldedcollar

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline

Dear LadyHibiscus,
Funny you mentioned about me supplying her my last 3 years tax returns and talking to my High School English teacher, in conversation she asked me if she had done a background check on me then would I have passed ? my answer was Yes, But not so sure if I could pass one now ... hehe.
But im SO much more lovable now...
......Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond to my inquiry........
weldedcollar.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 8

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/19/2009 8:53:53 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

Personally I've had a very high ratio of interesting, literate, potentially compatible people to obviously incompatible ones, and have met several people in person with zero fakes or flakes. Granted, more have been dominant or switch than submissive, but I think some of the same screening applies. I think my profile discourages most of the fantasy-only types (if they bother to read it, of course), and refusing to do IM/webcam/etc. weeds out a lot of the cyber-only ones. Unless they're reasonably interesting in the first couple of e-mails and phone conversations, I decide they aren't compatible - I can ask questions to draw them out, but I'm not going to try to wrest their vanilla interests and stuff from them by main force!

(in reply to weldedcollar)

Post #: 9

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/19/2009 11:11:41 AM

ravennomore

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/16/2009
Status: offline

If they are uncomfortable giving you a number when you do play they could have emergency contacts in a place where you could find them if needed..in an envelope in a drawer somewhere, etc. Personally I think everyone should keep contact numbers in their wallet, etc.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/19/2009 6:12:22 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

How about a change of attitude?

Instead of approaching other people suspecting them and expecting to be able to find someone good and genuine at the snap of a finger how about being patient, open and positive towards other people?

I mean, the only thing which proves if someone is genuine or not is time itself.

_____________________________

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also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
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(in reply to weldedcollar)

Post #: 11

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/21/2009 1:26:07 AM

azjojoba

Posts: 513
Joined: 2/1/2007
Status: offline

This site is no different than any of the others -- almost everyone is a liar or a fake.

Good luck!

(in reply to weldedcollar)

Post #: 12

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/21/2009 2:33:12 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

I'm obviously not a Domme, but I am someone who's become rather paranoid about fakes and has not found a solution.

One man I met online...

- Seemed intelligent, charming, and 100% compatible when it came to D/s Master/slave desires...
- Spoke on the phone, emailed extensively and articulately, and allowed me to ask any questions I felt I needed to...
- Gave me his personal history, his address, phone number, and invited me to speak with others to verify what he said..
- Arranged to meet in person as soon as possible, didn't ask for money or help, didn't demand sex...

...and you know what? He turned out to be a fake and a liar.

I'm not sure there is a moral to this story, other than to say there's never a 100% guaranteed way of proving someone is who they say they are. ( Torturing it out of them may be fun, but isn't terribly legal. )

you're a truly lucky bastard huh westbayslave? lol

We all meet our share of wankers, timewasters, liars, frauds.
{I've got a list for ya if you want LOL}

It's the truth of Internet. And there is no weeding out.

Simply live & learn.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 13

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/21/2009 7:12:11 AM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha
Prying further information from them beyond "I'm horny" (I'm interpretting and translating here) was like pulling teeth in most cases.

And not worth the effort, in my experience. Back when I was single I often tried talking with these guys, but no matter where I tried to steer the conversation they always brought it back to some version of "I'm horny". I don't often bother trying to talk to these fellows anymore, but when I do, it's the same as it was then - a waste of time and effort.

I don't think it's really all that hard to cut through the crap. Deleting the emails that are some version of "I'm horny" or are obvious boiler-plate will bring even the most overcrowded inbox down to a manageable level.

For me, it's not very tough to sort through what's left. I invite him to a munch. If he doesn't want to attend, he's not going to be a good match for me because the kinky community is most of my social world and I don't want a partner (serious or casual) who isn't part of that. If he's nervous about attending and needs to be coaxed into it, I'm willing to meet him for lunch, dinner, cocktails, whatever prior to munch night so that he doesn't have to walk into a group of complete strangers, but if he needs more attention and encouragement than that, he'd be better off with someone other than me.

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 14

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/21/2009 7:32:34 AM

LaMistressa

Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline

It may just be me, but I'm a little offended at the whole "medical history/std/mental illness" and "s.s. #/background check/credit check" part of your proposed search. It's not like a submissive search is CarMax and you can input a VIN number in and get a complete, impartial history -- people are complicated, and you may miss someone really great if you knock them out of consideration because they've been treated for depression or what have you.

For me, I try to meet the person as soon as possible -- emailing and chatting for a year isn't going to cut it in my book. Get a cup of coffee, spend an hour, see if there's anything that interests me there. It's also a good way to see if a submissive follows up, or if he or she is just a dreamer. I ignore the spammed emails and the obvious cut and paste jobs. It's not rocket science.

Also, if your Domme really wants this to work, she needs to get off her ass and do the work herself. Unlike rocket science, you can't contract this out, even to a well-intentioned former sub.

(in reply to weldedcollar)

Post #: 15

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/21/2009 10:30:56 AM

weldedcollar

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline

Dear LaMistressa,
   Thank You for your reply,
But these are serious issues, which are difficult to broach in any kindof relationship.
my ex-Domme didn't have "me" do this ... i did it on my own because of a talk we had ..
to me doing things without asking , which is useful to "my" Domme ,
is infact what i believe makes me a fine submissive, not just doing what im told...
going the extra mile..... and it makes me feel good...

To E/everyone who shared their views   Thank You so very much ...
love+peace   weldedcollar....

(in reply to LaMistressa)

Post #: 16

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/21/2009 10:35:51 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I didn't do background checks... until I ran into one that proved it was a very good thing I did! I saw things I wasn't too happy about and went to the local courts... and whoa! Put his name in and saw all I needed to be warned about and suspected. I am now a fan of background checks with anyone who red flags me in certain ways! lol

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to weldedcollar)

Post #: 17

RE: Weeding out poser's / wanker subs/slaves. - 3/22/2009 4:50:19 PM

IndigoMystry

Posts: 34
Joined: 3/20/2009
Status: offline

Except for those who are truly "new" to BDSM, I suspect it's pretty easy to weed out the wankers. The devious, deceitful scammers, not so much, but still strongly probable that with a little thought and communication you can tell them from the real deals. Not always because of course, the actual scary ones are pretty much smart AND sociopathic. We're all to one degree or another amateur psychologists. We have to be to survive socially. I don't personally subscribe to the "I'll do anything for you" school of subbing and when I see it immediately in an introduction or early on in the connection, red flags go up high. Another red flag area is when the sub shows signs of "boiler plate" submission versus an organic "growing into" what the relationship can be. Given, I'm talking about in-depth relationships where the mutual respect and love are as significant as the passion and continuing lust. I also think there are "some" submissives/slaves who are genuine and are happy as hell just to have an opportunity to "serve" in whatever capacity or time frame. And they can range from the "one-night stand maid to clean your house" to the "public scene flog-me" folk. Diversity..yeah, that's being human.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 18

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