Getting to know you... (Full Version)

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WestBaySlave -> Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 12:35:34 AM)

  Okay, I'll admit it... I seem to have an unwanted ability to upset some of the guys I meet on Collarme and Recon. The thing that gets me is that I so rarely know why, and that bothers me a lot more than a lost potential, as I do my best as possible to be nice to people I meet here unless they're openly abusive.

Tonight I lost what I thought was a very promising connection on Collarme. The conversation started fairly benignly about how we'd kept on missing each other on chat, and it was more or less mutually agreed that waiting around for someone to show up by chance was irritating and unreliable. I suggested chatting at a mutually agreed upon time, but he rejected that. Why, I'm not sure, but anyhow... After that, the conversation shifted to how he didn't want to get to know me well, and since we couldn't meet real time for a while ( he lives right across the continent ), he didn't want to get to know me before I visited him. This seemed a bit strange to me, as we're both seeking 24/7. I also confided that I was uncomfortable getting into a M/s situation with someone I didn't know well, even if it was just a month long trial period. At this point he got mad at me and said the conversation should end now. I apolgized and then he said I should go away and think about what he'd said. I did, and then wrote him a short note basically recapping some of my thoughts about getting to know someone before commiting to a relationship. I got a rather unpleasant letter in return and found myself blocked.

   Right now I find myself a little baffled. I'd honestly thought I was nice and polite. I'm not sure what bothered him... and the only thing I could place was his focus on not knowing a slave.

  I should say this isn't a "one off", though; I've encountered this sentiment before.

So I guess what I'm asking is this: don't you want to know someone you're planning on living a 24/7 relationship of ANY kind with? If not, why? Since I can no longer ask this man in question, I thought I'd bring the question to the doms on here.

This is not a pity plee or anything akin to it, just a genuine probe into an mindset totally foreign to me - and if I'm the weird one, I'd like to know! [:D]



SirMIkeSD -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 12:47:19 AM)

Not that I don't like CM, but 99% of the men I have talked on the other side have been flakes and don't make the next chat because they have cum. It's not you, you wanted to make sure you where available. Available is a bad thing for the flakes.

Mike



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 12:52:46 AM)

Expecting a deep, committed relationship without being willing to set up the ground work, to me, states one or several things about a person. 1) They're living in a fantasy world, 2) they're saying whatever they think we want to hear in order to get off or 3) their emotional IQ isn't really up to par.

I feel as you do. Keep looking and be willing to say that you're glad you found out early on.

Master Fire



Phoenixpower -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 1:12:42 AM)

Be glad you found out that he is obviously not worth your attention and service BEFORE wasting more emotions or even worse MONEY on him with booking a flight to him [:)] And nope, that has nothing to do with weird, unfortunately we have those idiots out there, but at least your example did show not to waste your time with him [:D]



littlewonder -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 3:55:06 AM)

The majority of men on a site like this are either living in a fantasyland or looking for sex and using the excuse of wanting a relationship to get it.

Women get this alllllllll the time. "Sure baby. I want a relationship with you. Now go away until I want to fuck you next time".

They don't want to get to know you. They just wanna get in your pants.



MZEllen -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 4:24:07 AM)

Being the DOMME that I am, I too want to know about the potential submissive, I ask very personal questions, and at some of those question the potential balks.  Simple things like "Are you married?", ever have veneral diseases, are you on Medication.(oh thats a hum dinger), and if they are the player or troll they shut up really quick and want to procede on to the BDSM, No I say!.....they are only after the nut and not really concerned about who I am and where I draw My strength from.........true submission.  If they don't have the right answers, then i have to think....What are My motives?

I am not here looking for a piece of meat, I could have that if I were seeking that from, the virgin 19 year old boy to the 84 year old submissive who's wife of 50 years passed on and they miss being bossed around.  Hey I am not a boss, nor am I dominering, but I am DOMME.........with feelings, emotions, a brain to think with, I just happen to enjoy the BDSM lifestyle - but I am tired of kissing toads while I look for friends first, then a partner in the dungeon.

Good luck in your search,

MzEllen



SailingBum -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 4:29:47 AM)

everybody seems to be male bashing today.  Whatever.   You didn't say how long prior to this you had been chatting...  My impression is not very long and they live a plane trip away.  Two thoughts find someone within drive distance.  More importantly it seems like your attempting to "push" the relationship rather than allowing it to "flow"

BadOne



Jeptha -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 10:30:43 AM)

Who can penetrate the Cloak of Mystery?

I most likely agree with what MasterFireMaam has said, but I always like to explore other possibilities, just in case;

Personally, if I'm contemplating getting involved with someone, I do want to get to know them to a pretty good degree beforehand...

On the other hand, though, I may not be interested in committing a lot of my time, attention and energy to someone who lives across the country from me.

Some people, famously, are looking for an on-line wank, but there are others who are emotional sponges, drama queens, attention whores, procrastinators, etc; people who have endless amounts of time to jack around on-line.

Though I check in and out fairly often, I have, admittedly, a limited attention span for things online.

What I'm saying is, I don't expect anyone to submit to me pre-emptively, but neither do I necessarily want to submit to someone's endless jilly-jacking online.

I would communicate, of course, but there is a limit there.

To get back to your question; if someone were across the country from me, though I might be highly interested, I would likely keep the relationship a friendship (and not committ myself to endless chat and e-mails) until well after we'd met and gotten to know one another in person and then decided to move forward.

Probably the bottom line, though, is if a guy expected you to agree to submit to him for a "trial period" without making himself available to you to get to know, I would consider that ridiculous.



apple2 -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 10:37:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

So I guess what I'm asking is this: don't you want to know someone you're planning on living a 24/7 relationship of ANY kind with? If not, why? Since I can no longer ask this man in question, I thought I'd bring the question to the doms on her



Hi West, Hope you are well...

We try to get the budding friendship *offline* and onto phone and/or a casual dinner date as fast as possible.

Sometimes distance doesn't allow a dinner date. But we try to move it out of the online world as fast as possible. Sometimes even planning a date for months in the future when the parties will be in the same city.

The other dynamic we've found, is that the online community has a higher ratio of newer people than real time settings like munches, dungeons, and events. The likelihood of someone you meet here becoming a little uncomfortable and disappearing, or manufacturing an "out" is far higher. So the commitment level of people to the *process* of courtship is probably a bit lower.

That isn't to say we haven't stopped talking or disengaged from some people ourselves. We're guilty. But the reality of the process if that we cannot start 25 friendships with the wrong people, maintain those relationships, and still have the relationship we want.

I try to think of it like this: In the vanilla dating scene, it was not much different than this. What makes this more challenging is the nature of the relationships we are looking for. We are very specific *individually*, and the desires of the community as a whole are very *diverse*. So of course it's going to be more challenging.

Sometimes people move on, and we should let them when they do, without judgment. A new door will open up- it always happens.

Best of luck to you,

M&R



CalifChick -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 11:11:44 AM)

People have tried to lock me into a "mutually agreed upon time" to chat on a regular basis.  I can't do that, my life just doesn't allow it.  Heck, a friend of mine here in town and I have a decided to have a regular coffee date once a week, on Thursday afternoons.  This week it was this morning instead of yesterday afternoon.  If I can't even meet the exact same time every week to have coffee with someone I know in the flesh, how on earth can I meet the exact same time every week (or whatever the frequency) on the computer to chat???


Cali



lovingpet -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 7:49:48 PM)

I want to get to know anyone I may eventually become intimate with, regardless of my position in the relationship.  I don't see how it can be determined IF there is anything worth building a relationship upon otherwise.  Communication is important to me.  That being said, I have quickly become more or less fed up with long distance situations.  It is tough enough when I only have a chance to be with someone once or twice a week.  Once a month or less or waiting for some prolonged period is not really something that is within me.  It has nothing to do with the person.  It has everything to do with being very much flesh to flesh and a hands on type person.  I am in that precarious position of not being able to accommodate 24/7, but hating to have my time constrained either.

I find it an odd duck who wants someone that will be in their home to be a complete stranger to them, but I guess I can chalk that up to some kind of fetish or other.  It wouldn't work for me. 

lovingpet 



Maya2001 -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 8:39:54 PM)

quote:

. After that, the conversation shifted to how he didn't want to get to know me well, and since we couldn't meet real time for a while ( he lives right across the continent ), he didn't want to get to know me before I visited him. This seemed a bit strange to me, as we're both seeking 24/7. I also confided that I was uncomfortable getting into a M/s situation with someone I didn't know well, even if it was just a month long trial period.


some want online toys  whenever convenient for them  to help them wank off....if they wrote that in their profile they would limit their responses ..so they mislead .. the fact they want to jump into play ....rather than take the time to get to know you...speaks volumes on how they view you as a person

this is  a commonplace situation  for female subs as well

their is nothing wrong with you .. you stuck to what you believed in and wanted ..they were not compatible with that





zero69u2 -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/20/2009 8:40:13 PM)

I think your pushing too fast for a 24/7 relationship..  This is a long range goal.. very difficult to just pop some new guy/gal into your life.
I think he wants to avoid creating a long distance "internet crush".. (where he talks to you for months, gets to know you and then never meets you)
Personally i want to get to know people on the phone and then date them.. if the other things happen great.. but expecting them overnight to happen from a long distance person.. is asking a bit too much too fast.



GoddessTeaze -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/21/2009 2:23:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

Okay, I'll admit it... I seem to have an unwanted ability to upset some of the guys I meet on Collarme and Recon. The thing that gets me is that I so rarely know why, and that bothers me a lot more than a lost potential, as I do my best as possible to be nice to people I meet here unless they're openly abusive.

Tonight I lost what I thought was a very promising connection on Collarme. The conversation started fairly benignly about how we'd kept on missing each other on chat, and it was more or less mutually agreed that waiting around for someone to show up by chance was irritating and unreliable. I suggested chatting at a mutually agreed upon time, but he rejected that. Why, I'm not sure, but anyhow... After that, the conversation shifted to how he didn't want to get to know me well, and since we couldn't meet real time for a while ( he lives right across the continent ), he didn't want to get to know me before I visited him. This seemed a bit strange to me, as we're both seeking 24/7. I also confided that I was uncomfortable getting into a M/s situation with someone I didn't know well, even if it was just a month long trial period. At this point he got mad at me and said the conversation should end now. I apolgized and then he said I should go away and think about what he'd said. I did, and then wrote him a short note basically recapping some of my thoughts about getting to know someone before commiting to a relationship. I got a rather unpleasant letter in return and found myself blocked.

  Right now I find myself a little baffled. I'd honestly thought I was nice and polite. I'm not sure what bothered him... and the only thing I could place was his focus on not knowing a slave.

I should say this isn't a "one off", though; I've encountered this sentiment before.

So I guess what I'm asking is this: don't you want to know someone you're planning on living a 24/7 relationship of ANY kind with? If not, why? Since I can no longer ask this man in question, I thought I'd bring the question to the doms on here.

This is not a pity plee or anything akin to it, just a genuine probe into an mindset totally foreign to me - and if I'm the weird one, I'd like to know! [:D]



Hello westbayslave,

It's far from easy to find someone compatible, even if you think
We're here all to look for someone who looks the same way,
then there is No guarantee what so ever to find it here.

If only life was so simple !

LD, are very difficult, I've had My share of those and swore
I would never go there again, until recently, it all
looked very promising, and there would be a date
set up to meet, and then all offa sudden
they vanish into smoke.

And I'll never know why.

It's too easy to fool around on line, to play with people's feelings,
while you're sincere, and willing, you've to find someone who is the same,
and trustworthy.

Especially when you want 24/7 there has to be allot of time invested
in the two of you, and that has to come from both ways.

If that is a problem to begin with, then there is no future either,
and you've found out. It stinks, but as it's been said before,
rather find it out sooner then later.

It's not easy, maybe an idea is to go in the local scene,
to find someone closer by, then on the other side of the world.

Know you're not alone.

I wish you enough.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`



chamberqueen -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/21/2009 6:31:08 AM)

WestBay, you have every right to want someone to get to know you.  A month is a very long time if circumstances are not good. 

I was recently in contact with a Master who wanted things to go way too fast.  At first I found it flattering because he seemed sincere, but as we continued to converse it seemed that he didn't care at all who I was or what was important to me but only wanted to mold me into his lifelong dream - including plastic surgery and a hair color that I knew would look terrible on me.  I told him I would be glad to make the physical changes as long as I knew that he cared about my core, and his answer was that he loved my slave's heart.  That still told me that he was looking only for a dream and didn't want to get to know me.

You did nothing wrong, and should be thankful that it ended before you could get in too deep.  I agree with zero's comment; while 24/7 may be the ultimate goal start with one session at a time and let a good relationship develop.  Someone may not be able to chat at a preset time, but you shouldn't be expected to hang around your computer 24 hours a day just in case he shows up. 

I think that one of the hardest lessons for a sub/slave is patience.  You are looking for a life partner.  Take your time and make sure you make a good choice.  The right person will want to know about you and your desires.  Others simply aren't worthy of such a gem.



daddysliloneds -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/21/2009 8:45:26 AM)

i suppose i'm just like the guy you described...

i don't want to get to know someone online; i can only really get to know them in person...

everything else in between allows us to set up false expectations and false romantic inclinations.



Vanityfull -> RE: Getting to know you... (3/21/2009 5:51:59 PM)

boys are jerks!

i live in a small city, when i was younger and not really out i used the net to meet alot of gay men in the city. i would suggest to keep things to "just freinds" untill meeting in person at least twice, people can bullshit alot on the net, my real name isnt actually Vanity.. i dont try to but im sure i have a different type of internet persona than i do offline in day to day. he could back off for w/e reason, anything from him lying about himself(fake photo ect.) to impress you than getting scared the real thing wont live up, maybe he isnt out that much and is using online to communicate as being out. there are a ton of reasons why people suddenly get cold online, i have been in your situation alot its a pain in the ass, i suggest just continue being yourself.

as the old aztec proverb goes "you have to dig threw alot of shit before finding your big sexy leatherman"





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