what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme?

what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (Full Version)

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transfixed -> what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 3:38:41 AM)
what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? okay here i go - keeping in mind that i get extremely nervous posting on any bdsm media. however the desire to do so is now more than the fear not to. the focus of this post for me is to seek assistance to clarify what a submissive and/or submission "offers' a dom/domme. in part this question may relate to aspects of submission but i think it also begs the question of what the 'dom/domme' 'gets out of it'? i think that the switch who has experiences both poles of experience could also provide some interesting juxtapositions to this query. more specifically questions to ponder may include but are not restricted to: what does 'a submissive' (i.e. submissive's in general) have to "offer" a dom/domme? what do 'you' as a submissive (i.e. specific to you) "offer" a dom/domme? as a dom/domme what are or could be, your experiences, expectations or desires about what your submissive, or your idea of a submission... "offer'" you? subs, dom/domme's, switches can you give a context for your views and experiences, i.e: * are you partnered - or not? * are you in a 24/7 or just play causally? have you never played at all? * what sort of submissive or dom/domme do you define. e.g. are you a brat? or do you define your role as the 'traditional' submissive (what ever that is)? - how does what/who you perceive your submission to be, color the dynamic of what you "have to offer" a dom/domme? * if a sub - has your dom/domme ever provide clear indicators as to what they are seeking and/or what a submissive 'should' …. or should not, offer? hopefully not going to get the traditional response of 'it's what ever the individual / couple perceives the question or experience to be' - honestly i get that. just want to process this question at a deeper level. many thanks in advance for your time and consideration tf

littlewonder -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 3:46:40 AM)
My service, devotion, love, obedience, character, integrity, honesty, life skills, intelligence, body, mind, whatever he wants. In context: I am taken but we do not live together and he has indicated in some clear instances of what it is he seeks and does almost everytime we talk because I pay attention to his desires, wants, needs, language. We communicate as much as possible.

agirl -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 4:11:35 AM)
Good question........lol I had myself to offer, that's about it. Nothing specific whatsoever. To be absolutely honest , I didn't give a moment's thought to it. I thought far more about what HE offered me and that's why I asked if he'd have me. Partnered, yes........I'm in a long term M/s relationship. I'm not a submissive personality and am not driven by submissive feelings. I've never been told that I should be anything other than myself. The only thing that has really been required was the acceptance of his authority. I'm just owned by someone...........I haven't a clue how that would translate to anyone else. agirl

eyesopened -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 4:32:31 AM)
I have never thought about what A submissive would offer A Dominant, I have only considered what I can offer the specific Dominant I was considering. At the risk of taking heat for the comparison, it's like looking for a job. Some jobs are entry-level where the employer only needs someone who has a pulse and is trainable. Some jobs are mid-level where experience in certain areas and skills in certain areas are important. Some jobs are upper-level where a high degree of skill in a very specific area is a must. And it's specific by type of employment. You can be skilled in intregate welding but if you type with one or two fingers you may not be suitable as a clerk-typist and frankly you would have nothing to offer that employer. A clerk-typist would be pretty stupid to apply as a welder and so on. Relationships should offer something of value to the parties involved. The employer offeres pay plus benefits in exchange for the talents and skills to do the work the employer needs done. D/s M/s relationships are not as simplistic generally but then they can be. I am partnered. We live together. He was seeking someone who had personal maturity, a deep desire to serve, a twisted sense of humor, a strong attraction to Harley-Davidsons, an interest in device bondage, a willingness to suffer physically on occassion, the ability to follow orders, a good housekeeper, a non-drinker, a decent to good cook, physically able to tolerate hard or extreme bondage for at least an hour. It just so happened I had those attributes to offer. His only area of compromise was the attraction to Harley-Davidson because the bitch pad on the back snaps off in an instant. The bitch don't have to ride.

transfixed -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 4:41:32 AM)
@little wonder: now i understand your name. thank you. clear and considered response. thinking on all of that. @agirl: yes, but like every strange question there is reasoning? there is a 'dom' ( his title i could not make comment about the appropriateness of this) on cm who had in his profile the suggestion (in much harder format than this) that subs would be better served asking not 'what they expect from their dominant' but what 'they have to offer'. i have asked for further clarity around his views because i thought about this and cum to realization that it is very good point. however he declined via private email to expand on this view. left me itching so to speak. will be honest folks - this is ALL about me (joke - not) i.e. what do i have to offer rather than what i am seeking?

SailingBum -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 4:47:59 AM)
I look at the person first. It really doesn't matter to me whether or not she is into bdsm. If they love you and are devoted to you everything else has a way of working out. At least it has for me. Play partners are a whole nother story. BadOne

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 5:00:51 AM)
generally, i don't know what a submissive offers to any dominant/domme because each of us is unique in our own speical way. so there wouldn't be one general, one-size fits all answer to your first question. that being said - besides my submission, i offered Daddy my friendship, companionship, commitment, respect, love, trust and a long laundry list of other things. though we are not partnered in rt, we are however partnered for life in a Daddy/daughter dynamic. as His submissive, i'm defined to remain as myself. He wasn't looking to "change" me but merely "improve" me and the situation i was in when i first met Him.

agirl -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 5:07:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: transfixed @agirl: yes, but like every strange question there is reasoning? there is a 'dom' ( his title i could not make comment about the appropriateness of this) on cm who had in his profile the suggestion (in much harder format than this) that subs would be better served asking not 'what they expect from their dominant' but what 'they have to offer'. i have asked for further clarity around his views because i thought about this and cum to realization that it is very good point. however he declined via private email to expand on this view. left me itching so to speak. will be honest folks - this is ALL about me (joke - not) i.e. what do i have to offer rather than what i am seeking? Well, neither of us were seeking, so maybe that's the difference. I've never been in one single relationship with thoughts of what I can give. As far as I'm concerned it's up to them if they want what I am and it's up to me if I want what THEY are. As eyesopened said .. ''Relationships should offer something of value to the parties involved. ...''...It's clear that I offer M something, or he wouldn't have bothered and he wouldn't be here after all these years...but I didn't spend time thinking about what that might be. I can appreciate quite well what HE offered to ME. That is MY business........ it's HIS business to decide what I offer HIM , not mine. agirl

Focus50 -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 5:29:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: transfixed what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? okay here i go - keeping in mind that i get extremely nervous posting on any bdsm media. however the desire to do so is now more than the fear not to. the focus of this post for me is to seek assistance to clarify what a submissive and/or submission "offers' a dom/domme. in part this question may relate to aspects of submission but i think it also begs the question of what the 'dom/domme' 'gets out of it'? For starters, she hasta be female for the "birds n bees" bizzo part of our relationship. Ditto the "Venus n Mars" bizzo for the frustrating (pain) part of hetero relationships. lol But the biggy IS submissive - that's her (equal) contribution to enable a D/s Power Exchange dynamic between us. She has to have that special or innate need and desire to take direction, to be service oriented - to literally serve and obey... You can't pretend that at a 24/7 relationship level because it's more than some kinky "dress-up" role play. It has to be who she is; to complement who we are to each other. *To put it another way; nilla females need not apply because they do NOT complement all* my hetero sexuality.... Focus.**

SirRussellP -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 6:22:11 AM)
First, she has to offer me a chance to earn her trust. Second, when the trust is earned has to want to serve me, in return I will serve her, each in our own way. Third, her wants and most assuredly her needs must match most of mine. She can't "need" those few things that are my hard limits. I know that her hard limits will be respected but also can't have the few of my must have "deal breakers" in them.

Freyathelady -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 6:40:19 AM)
As a disclaimer let me say that I am a professional/casual player and the others I play with are those interested in playing on a professional/casual level. I think the best thing a sub has to offer is a true desire to make the dom's life easier. I mean this as a contrast to the subs who offer to 'serve' but are only interested in doing the things that specifically get them off. The sub should have a genuine willingness/desire to do things that make the dom's life better/easier for them. Obviously as a professional, cash does this for me, but a service that genuinely makes my life easier like cleaning my house or running errands for me will also decrease my stress level and free up my time and, thus is appreciated. If the dom has some activity they love (BDSM related or not) the sub could make a special effort to participate in and improve in the activity as much as possible. For me, I love flogging so a slave who wants to please me, would work on training himself to take longer and harder floggings, even if his personal fetish was rope bondage. At play parties, my feet always get sore from wearing my mistress shoes all night, so I ask the subs I play with to give me foot massages but frequently, after they've gotten their beating or bondage or whatever they want, they just leave and forget about my feet. The kind of sub I'm talking about would give his mistress a foot massage because her feet hurt regardless of whether they make him hot or not. Whether it's money, time, relaxation, or an activity she loves, the sub should think about what will truely please his mistress, not what would please her in his fantasy. PS. None of this implys the dom doesn't have responsibilities to the sub as well. Of course they do and I know it. But that wasn't the subject of this post which is why I don't discuss it here.

allthatjaz -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 6:47:15 AM)
As a dominant I offer myself uncompromised As a submissive I offer myself uncompormised I offer him openness, honesty, integrity, support and love.

DesFIP -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 6:55:58 AM)
I didn't apply for a job, with a resume listing skills and experiences. I offer myself, a living, thinking, intelligent, anxious person who had love to give to someone I was (and am) compatible with. We both determined compatibility, I had my laundry list of must haves and deal breakers and he had his. Except for him being more romantic and less sarcastic than I am - we clicked so well people meeting us assume we've been married for 20 years. We live together, have done so for over three years and were in a LDR for three years prior to that. As far as what kind of submissive I am? I describe myself as an executive assistant to him being CEO. Which means my brains and thinking are used to further him, I don't put them aside and let him make mistakes when I could offer information that would allow him to make a better decision. I have his back and he has mine. In the six plus years of this relationship we have had only two or three fights. In each time when we woke up the following morning with the emotions calmer and could listen and articulate the problem, we discovered that there was no basis for the fight. What there was, every damn time, was miscommunication. We couldn't explain, or couldn't listen, well enough because our emotions were running too high. We have learned to solve that by going to bed and holding each other, skin to skin. If we catch it in time, we can avoid such problems by me sitting on his lap, arms around each other, and calming down before it gets that bad. But we're human, occasionally these things happen.

LaTigresse -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 7:10:36 AM)
What I want a slave to have to offer........their belonging to me has to enrich my life. They have to bring a positive "more", instead of a negative and stressful "more. I am a giving person but I am NOT going to be the one putting forth all the effort and energy just to create an environment for her to live out her fantasies.

kuriouswitch -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 7:50:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: transfixed what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? what does 'a submissive' (i.e. submissive's in general) have to "offer" a dom/domme? what do 'you' as a submissive (i.e. specific to you) "offer" a dom/domme? subs, dom/domme's, switches can you give a context for your views and experiences, i.e: * are you partnered - or not? * are you in a 24/7 or just play causally? have you never played at all? * what sort of submissive or dom/domme do you define. e.g. are you a brat? or do you define your role as the 'traditional' submissive (what ever that is)? - how does what/who you perceive your submission to be, color the dynamic of what you "have to offer" a dom/domme? * if a sub - has your dom/domme ever provide clear indicators as to what they are seeking and/or what a submissive 'should' …. or should not, offer? For myself I still struggle most days with "what can I give him, what do I best have to offer?" because it seems more times than not he's been helping me. What I can offer is; my service; I'm very hyperaware of the needs of those in my life and quickly learn to anticipate their needs and to fullfill those needs quickly. I can be a companion when needed, I keep secrets very well and so I become someone safe he can vent to, say anything to and my opinion of him never changes. I strive to do my best in serving him, even when I don't like or enjoy whatever the task is, I do my best to do it with a smile and to find the best in doing it. I am extremely loyal, sometimes to a fault, but it takes a lot for you to first earn my trust, and then to lose it. And the man loves to laugh, so I tend to get silly or if I have time I'll find things to talk about, or jokes that I know he'll enjoy and when we have quiet time I'll share with him. The one thing I have to offer that no one else can for me is the fact that I am a virgin. I am partnered, Master and I have been through a lot the past five or so months.We don't live 24/7 yet, it's a long distance relationship that both work very hard on making last. We spend a lot of time communicating and from day one he's told me what he expects from me, what kind of service he expects and what is not acceptable. I have plans to visit Master in May for a week, I have never "played" as I am from a small town and there aren't many avenues BDSM wise that are open here. I tend to identify more as a slave, there are times when the smartass comes out, and there are times when I don't "feel" like a slave and want nothing more than to just curl up with him. For myself being a slave means that no matter what (within reason of course such as health concerns) do I ever tell him "no" when told to do something. I am never to expect anything when I make a request, and I'm expected to accept the answer even if i don't like it. Other than those two things and of course the wild kinky sex grins it tends to be a "normal" relationship that takes time, work and lots of open communication. I can say whatever I want to say as long as I take the consequences into consideration... to come home from work fuming and calling my boss "the idiot boy" under my breath is looking for a spanking, but to come home and explain that it was a bad day, that I worked with the "bad" manager again usually means he's going to listen and take that into consideration when giving me my directives for the night.

Knite064 -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 8:08:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: transfixed @little wonder: now i understand your name. thank you. clear and considered response. thinking on all of that. @agirl: yes, but like every strange question there is reasoning? there is a 'dom' ( his title i could not make comment about the appropriateness of this) on cm who had in his profile the suggestion (in much harder format than this) that subs would be better served asking not 'what they expect from their dominant' but what 'they have to offer'. i have asked for further clarity around his views because i thought about this and cum to realization that it is very good point. however he declined via private email to expand on this view. left me itching so to speak. will be honest folks - this is ALL about me (joke - not) i.e. what do i have to offer rather than what i am seeking? Ask not what your country can do for you ,ask what you can do for your country! Personally for me its absolutely no different than a vanilla relationship as there will be 1000 nds of subs/ slaves out there that i would probably share the same interests with but the numbers diminish when it comes to personally clicking with some of those 1000 nds and that whittles down further to the ones that would click with me and therein lies what im looking for in a sub/slave.(chemistry) Dont get hung up on what qualities you possess or dont possess as personally speaking there is nothing more attractive than her being her natural self.(and if the feelings are there then even those qualities that you dont like in someone within reason can become simply part of her and endearing.)

IrishMist -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 10:17:06 AM)
quote: what does 'a submissive' (i.e. submissive's in general) have to "offer" a dom/domme? I can't answer that. quote: what do 'you' as a submissive (i.e. specific to you) "offer" a dom/domme? As a submissive; nothing. As a person who may be interested in a relationship; I offer only myself. quote: are you partnered - or not? I was; but not any more; nor am I looking to change the status quo. quote: are you in a 24/7 or just play causally? have you never played at all? It was 24/7 live in. I have never 'played' nor do I have any interest in doing so. quote: what sort of submissive or dom/domme do you define. e.g. are you a brat? or do you define your role as the 'traditional' submissive (what ever that is)? - how does what/who you perceive your submission to be, color the dynamic of what you "have to offer" a dom/domme? None of the above. I don't 'do' definitions. quote: if a sub - has your dom/domme ever provide clear indicators as to what they are seeking and/or what a submissive 'should' …. or should not, offer? Nope

OmegaG -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 10:20:18 AM)
Actually, I had to do some soul searching a few years ago to figure out why what I had to offer (me) wasn't working in long term relationships. I realized that I have a strong personality and am capable of doing everything myself and I attracted men who not only loved this in me, but wanted me to take care of everything why they hung out wih their friends, drank beer, played video games, etc. To the point where I wasn't just the sole supporter of my kids, but the partner had become one of my dependents. I had to recognize that I wanted someone to appreciate my abilities but to work with me to make the partnership better then each of us were apart. I also recognized that a man without a strong desire to be the "head of the household" could quickly sucumb to the temptation of letting me run the show. Since I always had this ideal in my head that the man should be the head of the house, this was part of the demise of those relationships. In a nutshell, I wanted something like a 1950s household, modernized. But I also had kink desires that I wanted met which is what led me to another BDSM site which gave me an insight to M/s relationships. Even then I wasn't thinking of what I had to offer a relationship, I was thinking about play. Mr TeenAngst was at an age where blending families was the most difficult. Then I met a man who liked the package that I was. He was the one who could see a relationship dynamic. I guess what I have to offer him is common interests and knowlege for conversations, skills and abilities that he either lacks or has no desire in preforming that creates a symbiotic relationship, the willingness to see to his comfort first (most of the time), and a sexual and kink compatibility. I offer him the same that I offered others, the difference is that he wants and understands what I offer and appreciates who I am without change, nor does who I am change him.

VampiresLair -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 10:37:52 AM)
What I expect to be offered is truth and honest interest. Fox offered me nothing in the beginning because we didnt know we were going to be together. I have had others that offered service that suited what they wanted without asking what I was interested in. When someone offers things, I expect them to be things they are honestly interested in or wiling to try, but they have also made the effort to find out which of their interests match mine enough for me to want them. Offering something that wil not appeal to me is rather worthless. Specifics of what I want vary. I want someone who can offer me something more than just sexual service. I want someone willing to learn what I enjoy rather than restricted by their own interests. However, beyond that what I want depends on the person. DV

Vanityfull -> RE: what does the 'submissive' have to offer a dom/domme? (3/20/2009 10:38:12 AM)
what does a sub "offer" a dom/domme? commitment, the strength to follow, communication what do 'you' as a submissive (i.e. specific to you) "offer" a dom/domme? trust and access to my body, mind and heart, the degree of that depends on the person as a dom/domme what are or could be, your experiences, expectations or desires about what your submissive, or your idea of a submission... "offer'" you? trust in me to know, understand and controll things so they go the best they can * are you partnered - or not? single and loving it * are you in a 24/7 or just play causally? have you never played at all? i have played both sub/dom and enjoyed both, i am typically more sub oreinted tho * what sort of submissive or dom/domme do you define. how does what/who you perceive your submission to be, color the dynamic of what you "have to offer" a dom/domme? im gonna cop out and say, depends on the person =P * if a sub - has your dom/domme ever provide clear indicators as to what they are seeking and/or what a submissive 'should' …. or should not, offer? yeah, im a big believer in speaking to who your doing this stuff with, besides who doesnt like talking about this stuff with there sig other.

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