To confront or not confront...

To confront or not confront... (Full Version)

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thatonebitch -> To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 6:56:48 AM)
This isn't really a BDSM question, but it does pertain to my relationship, so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place. I received a phone call from my friend a little bit ago. She says she found a profile on a goth dating site that belongs to my dom. She sent me the link, and after I signed up for it, I saw what she told me she saw. That he is single and looking. And there's no mistaking it for him. He has the same username, the same picture that he has on other sites. Now, he has profiles on here and another BDSM site that I know about, but they both say he's taken. He's showed them to me. Now, on the other BDSM site, where we actually met, his friends on there know we're together. I don't know what to make of it all. At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active. It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him. Should I tell him what I know and ask for an explanation? How would you handle this?

InTonguesslut -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:02:04 AM)
quote: At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active. It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him. This suggests to me that perhaps it is not a site he plans to use again and therefore has just left the ad as it is and not really thought about it. He hasn't been on since he met you so he certainly isn't checking for mail on it etc. If it makes you uneasy just ask him about it, explain your firend saw it and was concerned for you. Do not confront him though, confrontation is never good.

LaTigresse -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:05:33 AM)
Myself, I wouldn't say a word to him at the moment. It's a brand new relationship. Now, if you are in a commited, and mutually agreed monogomous relationship a year from now and he is still using it on the sly........I would definitely "confront" him. My version of confront would probably be less than idea. (see my post of yesterday, about mean rooster and sword)

DesFIP -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:06:05 AM)
I was with The Man for nearly a year before he changed his profile. It annoyed me and when I asked him why he hadn't, he laughed and said since he never got mail anyway, he just didn't bother. He then did change it so I would feel better. This may be the case with your man, he just doesn't see any need to since men seeking are lucky to get one email in five years. Ask him.

Sir Daddy -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:08:45 AM)
It's a profile on a website. Big whoop...

thatonebitch -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:08:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut quote: At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active. It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him. This suggests to me that perhaps it is not a site he plans to use again and therefore has just left the ad as it is and not really thought about it. He hasn't been on since he met you so he certainly isn't checking for mail on it etc. If it makes you uneasy just ask him about it, explain your firend saw it and was concerned for you. Do not confront him though, confrontation is never good. Wait, I think you misunderstood my post. We've been together since November. That means he has been on it since we've been together. Last week was not the first time I went to see him.

LaTigresse -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:15:16 AM)
But, has he said anything that has stated he is in a monogamous relationship with you? Things like "I am not going to see anyone but you." or "I love you and I don't want to be with anyone but you?" things like that. Or are you just assuming that?

InTonguesslut -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:18:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thatonebitch quote: ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut quote: At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active. It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him. This suggests to me that perhaps it is not a site he plans to use again and therefore has just left the ad as it is and not really thought about it. He hasn't been on since he met you so he certainly isn't checking for mail on it etc. If it makes you uneasy just ask him about it, explain your firend saw it and was concerned for you. Do not confront him though, confrontation is never good. Wait, I think you misunderstood my post. We've been together since November. That means he has been on it since we've been together. Last week was not the first time I went to see him. Oh my bad. Still advice would be the same. If it bothers you ask him.

agirl -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:20:54 AM)
I've been owned for years but only recently changed my profile to say * Not looking, blah blah*.... Intent is all. agirl

thatonebitch -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:26:16 AM)
Yes, he has.

LaTigresse -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:28:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thatonebitch Yes. Well then, put your big girl panties on and talk to the man! Calm, mature communication is the best way to have an adult relationship. Lack of it, the best way to fuck it up. NOTE! I said talk, not confront. Distinct difference.

CreativeDominant -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:47:09 AM)
If he has told you that he wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you---and has asked you to BE in one---then COMMUNICATE to the man. This goes back to a couple of things that get talked about on these boards allllllllllll the time. First, it continuously amazes me that people will go on and on about the need for communication and yet will NOT do so. Second...why does it have to be confrontational? You make it sound as if you have caught him in a lie...but have you? Have you asked him about this unchanged profile yet, thereby giving him the opportunity to explain it to you...or lie about it? If you have not, then you have nothing to confront him with other than your suspicion...proved by your confrontational method...that he's doing something wayward. To me as a dominant, that would certainly show your level of patience, reason, trust and your usual way of proceeding when you do not have all the answers. Third...if he has not asked you to be in a formal relationship of monogamy---if all he has done has been conversation ABOUT it and you have made a giant leap that conversation ABOUT it means that you are now IN it, then while you have a right to ask questions to try and firm up what your relationship actually is, you do not have the right to assume he is thinking YOUR way. I make it clear that I talk to others and that when I want a formal one on one relationship, I will specifically ask for it and for the time that it involves. But there again, I believe in doing what LaT said...putting on my big boy undies and being clear. That is why my profile states what it does so that there are no questions.

thatonebitch -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 7:58:14 AM)
K, I am talking to him about it. I"m on the phone with him right now.

Jeptha -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 10:58:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thatonebitch K, I am talking to him about it. I"m on the phone with him right now. Well, what's he saying?

antipode -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 11:45:04 AM)
quote: but they both say he's taken. He's showed them to me. Call me jaded. He has shown you the profiles he has changed, and not shown the others. You can have a friend he doesn't know contact him, see what transpires, or talk to him... It is important for you to take some action - better to be rid of him now, than in three years' time. And if it is an innocent mistake, that does happen (not a lot, though...)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 1:10:02 PM)
What happened to "Hey guess what my friend found? Are you still on that site?" I could completely believe "Totally forgot my profile was on there"

DavanKael -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 2:02:04 PM)
Perhaps I am just in a jaded frame of mind but I'd want some answers. Definitely talk with him. I wouldn't go in like a sledge hammer but I may wield one if he seems to be lying. Davan

kazzaslave -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 2:07:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: antipode quote: but they both say he's taken. He's showed them to me. Call me jaded. He has shown you the profiles he has changed, and not shown the others. You can have a friend he doesn't know contact him, see what transpires, or talk to him... It is important for you to take some action - better to be rid of him now, than in three years' time. And if it is an innocent mistake, that does happen (not a lot, though...) I agree. It's kinda strange that he told you about the ones where he says he's taken but not the one on which he says he isn't. BUT confrontation isn't the way to go, he'll just get defensive. You never posted what he said about the profile, what did he say about that profile? kazza

littlewonder -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 2:24:00 PM)
If it were me I'd just ask him and then decide what to do once I heard his explanation. I wouldn't make any decisions until then.

Prinsexx -> RE: To confront or not confront... (3/20/2009 2:38:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thatonebitch This isn't really a BDSM question, but it does pertain to my relationship, so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place. I received a phone call from my friend a little bit ago. She says she found a profile on a goth dating site that belongs to my dom. She sent me the link, and after I signed up for it, I saw what she told me she saw. That he is single and looking. And there's no mistaking it for him. He has the same username, the same picture that he has on other sites. Now, he has profiles on here and another BDSM site that I know about, but they both say he's taken. He's showed them to me. Now, Yon the other BDSM site, where we actually met, his friends on there know we're together. I don't know what to make of it all. At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active. It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him. Should I tell him what I know and ask for an explanation? How would you handle this? You know what I would be tempted to do? Surely? C'mon now? make up a profile and make a hit on him........ and oh pleerrrssse don't tell me this is unethical.........

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