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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 1/25/2006 9:36:24 PM

Real0ne

Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: veronicaofML

with ALL due respect? what do YOU call the difference?

seems in MY mind here...that it is one and the same..
bear with me a minute.
domineering..in my mind;
someone that is overbearing and demanding?
dominant;
someone that calls ALL the shots..
so?

what's the difference?

in THIS household it is the same thing.

so PLEASE......

YOUR definition?

thanks

well i am pretty sure what i posted as the definition is the dictionary definition or very close in meaning anyway. if you look at it, the definition of domineering is based on the perception of the one being dominated.

So what that means regarding your question is: if that is the way life is for you at home and you are satisfied with it then it is not domineering but being dominated. If you are not satisfied because it is to much for you to handle then you could say it was overbearing or domineering. Its a matter of your perception.

Oh yeh i just want to add that being dominant implies a welcome passive sense in which someone follows and being domineering impies an aggressive sense where someone is pushing themselves onto another in an unwanted manner.

rgds

< Message edited by Real0ne -- 1/25/2006 9:42:34 PM >

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 1/26/2006 11:46:27 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
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I'm both Dominant and Domineering.

IMO,You do learn from subs,not meaning they have to actually teach You.

Conducting sessions can be a learning experience each and every time.

A laid-back experienced sub and a new Domme can make an awesome first Domming session.

Even if You know what You want,what harm can it do to read about a specific fetish?
I read as much as I can about things that intrest Myself and/or My subs/slave.
Can You ever really know too much?

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"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 1/28/2006 9:41:51 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
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Can You ever really know too much?

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lol
i could point to a few here that think they know it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 8/22/2006 4:20:38 PM

Windygal

Posts: 57
Joined: 8/17/2004
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Try the website www.frugaldomme.com i found her info helpful

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 8/23/2006 12:31:08 PM

MissKarenJ

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/23/2006
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I have been on other sites and I must say that the Dommes here are the best that I have found.The responses are to the point and helpful. When I asked this same question on another site I was told either to just go learn or if I had to ask I wasn't Domme.

That said I would add my comments as someone else who is also fairly new to this.

Go slowly and careful find your comfort zone. And you may be surprised what that is. There are things that I really enjoy now that I would not even consider when I started.

Find out the needs of your sub. If you are dealling with some one who enjoys pain they are not going to respond well when you try pet training. And if pain is enjoyable to them they are not going to see a spanking as disipline. And using it as such will set bad habits, such as missbehaving to get what they want.

It has been mentioned aready that reading helps and it does. But you might try writing as well. Either writing you how you see a scene playing out all on your own or as a chain story with your sub. It is sometimes easier to write down your needs and desires than it is to say them out loud. Making your sub read the writting out loud is fun too. Especially when they have written something that pushes their boundries.

While you can learn from a sub remember you are the Domme. If you find that they are controlling the scene that is 'topping from the bottom' again a very bad habit to let them get into.

Best of luck,
Miss Karen

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 8/23/2006 1:10:43 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetmocha

Hi all,

I'm a new Domme who is seeking advice on how to be the best Domme I can be. I have ideas, and am naturally a very controlling, dominant women, but need to know just what subs expect from a good Domme, or is it okay to just wing it! Is it okay to have the sub train me to be a good Domme? Help!

You can try and learn everything you can -- knowledge is both empowering for you and it is likely sexy to others.

You can do that by reading -- lots of different threads on books, look for them and see what is interesting to you or go on somewhere like Amazon.com and read reviews of books.

You can do that by meeting others in meatlife who have similar tastes or at least interests in BDSM -- munches, organizations, workshops, lectures, etc.

Or you can just try things out with the awareness that both good and bad things may happen. Be able to do basic first aid and be unafraid of calling for help if you need it. Try things in very small amounts so you can gauge your skill development and your partner's reaction -- do not cave into attempts to urge you to move faster than you feel is safe and reasonable.

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 8/24/2006 6:53:41 PM

BlueHnS

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Joined: 9/5/2005
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I think the most important thing is to simply be comfortable within yourself. Be clear on not only what you want, but also on what you are willing to give.
If someone says I'm not doing something right I give it due consideration. If it's in practical application and could be potentally harmful to my playmate/sub/slave I'm more than willing to learn a safer way.
If it's in relationship to my personal preferences I have no issue telling somone where to get off. Of course, if necessary, I will gladly provide instructions so there is no room for confusion.

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 3/28/2008 6:55:10 AM

BlkGoddessD

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/16/2008
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If you ever need any assist get back to me I know what it is like to be a newbie!! Read,Go to munches,ask questions. Make sure you know what you seek. If you really don't know,ask others. Make sure you list what you seek on your profile .Have the slave send you a letter of introduction and pic with EVERY reply. The letters help get thru alot of what you want and don't want by what thye wirte. You will also come across ALOT of fakes so don't give up jus weed them out. I am seeking now and weeding them out as well. Good Luck! Mistress Dee..

< Message edited by BlkGoddessD -- 3/28/2008 6:56:12 AM >

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 3/28/2008 7:54:17 AM

MaamJay

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Welcome mocha! As usual, the Dommes here have done a great job with the advice. Read a lot, talk to a lot of people, learn from anyone you can (Dom/mes or subs) ... and think before you act. Decide for yourself what you think is important and try to work the practicalities through in your mind. There's no point in creating a rule that says "sub will crawl and kiss My foot every time I enter a room" if your life means that you are forever moving between the rooms of your house! It will simply become a pain and not much will get done. It's usually best to decide on a few really important rules to start with and only move on when those have been thoroughly learned.

As a bare minimum, you should be confident in your knowledge and understanding of the following:
Safe calls, safewords, negotiations, types of bdsm activities (there are lots of checklists out there ... decide for yourself what you are interested in exploring now ... knowing you may well add to this list in the future) AND how to do them safely, SSC or RACK, limits, hard limits, subspace, subdrop, aftercare ... and that's just before you PLAY. If you want to get into D/s as a lifestyle, then you need to know more about power exchange and think very carefully about how you envisage a sub fitting into your life.

And to add to the domineering vs dominant debate: domineering is defined as being overbearing, ruling arbitrarily or despotically. Being a tyrant. In other words, being someone who rules by force, who doesn't want to hear any one else's ideas, whose subjects obey out of fear. Bossy is a minor form! Whereas dominant refers to ruling or governing, exerting influence, occupying a commanding position, to exercise control. These are dictionary words ... you can see that those chosen for dominant do not imply being bossy or overbearing ... they command because of who they are, not how they act. A dominant inspires obedience and submission, they rule because their subjects choose to serve and obey them, often out of love, definitely not out of fear.

Hope that helps!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 3/30/2008 6:04:15 AM

AtlantaMistress

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
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I too, was very Naturally Dominant. I won't go into my story of how I got into this, but I will just say it was a bit ass backwards. That said, I have learned a lot along the way - but that has been the key to my success - the desire to LEARN, realizing Dominant did not mean "all knowing" or "always right".

You have gotten a lot of very good advice so far, and this may be repetitive, but I don't think can be said too much. Seek out a mentor or mentors - both online and locally. You will be surprised - Dommes not willing to Mentor or even answer questions to help you learn) often Dominate from a standpoint of insecurity, not confidence. Most very good Dommes, who are confident are more than willing to help a newbie, since they are in no way threatened by "competition" and instead are happy to have a new member to add to the fold.

Many things may feel very natural, and that is great, but do not ever overlook reading or talking to someone very experienced about Health/Safety issues. The first time you try anything new, it is good to have someone experienced to show you - whether another Domme or a sub. I had a very experienced sub teach me cbt - he was very instructional, did things first, then I tried - and it was all done as a way he could serve me, by teaching me - I NEVER felt out of control of the situation.

Just don't let natural Dominant side of you stand in the way of asking for help. Never stop trying to learn and improve. Subscribe to this forum for sure - you will find excellent advice on all kinds of topics from some very smart (and often funny) Ladies, and even from the subs that post here as well.

Good luck.

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 4/3/2008 1:35:53 PM

SwitchLady20

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Joined: 3/20/2008
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Hi all, would just like to add I'm new to being in the role of a domme, I describe myself as a switch but I am leaning towards being more dominant right now, the fantasies I have are often involving me being the domme , and especially my sub being dressed up, feminised, etc.

anyway my main point is thanks all for some really useful advice, its always more comforting to know there is help and advice out there

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 4/3/2008 11:13:33 PM

petpete

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i would suggest from a subs point of view and wish to ask the Ladies to pardon me for answering on there topics, to stick to Your guns sweetmocha and use Your own sense of character to lead Your way. There is a tendencies from the submissives side to use some of there dynamics so they can feel that maybe they can be accounted after all for something. i believe it has to do with the dynamics of the relationships that can bring an issue like this up but You just stick to Your guns and in the case You need to get something and You see the sub that You is worth putting a little extra effort to harness use diplomacy instead of going hard on at times. Some subs find it hard to submit at first hand without getting to know the person first and there way of domination. Good luck with Your hunt Girl ;-)

< Message edited by petpete -- 4/3/2008 11:15:07 PM >

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 4/3/2008 11:38:08 PM

Lynnxz

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I don't think she's a newbie anymore.

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RE: I'm a new Domme seeking advice - 4/6/2008 9:39:08 AM

Mustardseed

Posts: 291
Joined: 5/27/2006
From: Seattle, WA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Windygal

Try the website www.frugaldomme.com i found her info helpful

Agreed. I met her in Portland at Kinkfest last week and she seems to be a great person and has an astounding talent for making canes. Because I casually nicknamed one of her products, she taking the idea and handed me a copy of her groups tea-slave training manual just out of the blue. squee! She runs a business on the site and has other ads up to help her pay for it, but she's also got a collection of informational links and files stored there as well.

One of the best ways to be a good domme, as far as I can tell, is to be patient. Find the right match for you with each submissive. Watch what happens in your local community, talk to experienced players -- both the popular and the lower key. Talk to the people who've had certain submissives for a long, long time and those who seem to be in for a shorter haul -- what are the differences? Who seems to hold philosophies that are closer to your own? What advice really sinks in for you? What behaviors do you admire? Classes, workshops, books and the like are all great supplements to socializing and getting mentored a bit.

Is there anything about yourself that drives you binky-bonkers? Some issue you have that's been an apparent problem through multiple relationships? Is it something that you can start working to get a better handle on before you end up with a submissive who may end up being especially vulnerable to whatever this issue is?

Otherwise, I don't have many suggestions towards what others have already posted. I'm very new myself. yeep.

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