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Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 11:35:37 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I have been noticing on a few posts that sometimes when someone posts about themselves or their D/s, M/s relationship there will be those who feel somehow lessened by their words. I don't think that the intent of the poster is to bring about these feelings in others as I believe they are just sharing of their own experience.

While I have seen things posted and thought "Wow, I would like to get to that point or level", I don't think that I have ever read anothers' words and felt like I was somehow "less".

It has made me consider the impact of my own words though, for I would never wish for someone to feel that way. I also wonder if someone does walk away with that feeling, is it the fault of the poster or is it something that comes from an insecurity of the reader? Are they holding themselves or their own situation up in comparison to the poster's....and forgetting that we are all individuals and just because yours is different that it doesn't mean it's "less"?

Do others posts make you feel this way?...and if so, where do you think that feeling comes from? Do you think about the impact of your words?



_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 11:39:39 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The entire reason anyone posts on a public forum is so that their voice will be heard and have some sort of impact. If we didn't think they would do anything, we wouldn't bother doing it. They would post on a private journal somewhere or not post at all otherwise.

I consider how my voice will be felt. And when others touch me, I consider what that means.

I know for a fact that some people DO post to make others feel bad, to take passive aggressive jabs, even as they openly deny it. I know that most people have no idea how to really disagree without hurt feelings.

So while I use my voice and my reactions to other's voices into account when I post, I make sure to balance it with what I'm actually trying to say. Sometimes it works like heaven, and sometimes it's a bloody mess.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 12:17:52 PM   
MistressFire70


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Sometimes, as much as we don't like it, it is part of our journey to impact others in what might be a "negative" way to them. I don't think many of us do this intentionaly, but it does happen. Nothing will keep us from experiencing negative things; these things are a part of life in general. What we do with what we hear (or read, in this case) is our own choice: we can either internalize it and make it real or we can regect it and move on.

Of course, this makes no comment on how easy or hard all this is to do!!! And, remember, if we keep chipping off pieces of our core selves in order to please others, we will eventually have nothing of our own selves left. We can't please everyone.

Fire


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you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 12:26:12 PM   
Oberonrex


Posts: 164
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline 		I don't know that anyone's post has ever made me feel like less, but they have made me think and feel. Most of the time, that is good, for this a lot of good food for thought here, and my most common reaction is usually on the order of "Wow/Hmmmmmm, hadn't thought of that, need to think about it/do it/etc.). A couple have bothered me, and a couple have made me mad.

When I post, I simply try to share my thoughts or experiences on a subject. I try to avoid open offense, but there are limits as to how far one could and should go on avoiding unintentional offense. If I notice someone appears to be into open offense, I avoid their posts and replies. If I disagree, I try to be respectful and polite if at all possible. We are never going to please everyone, and it is foolish to try to do so...

Then again, I may be living up to a comment on an old screen saver: Have you ever thought that your entire purpose in life was to serve as the bad example?

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 12:30:44 PM   
Chaingang


Posts: 1727
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline 		I just see it as sharing information all around. I don't envy anyone what they have, nor do I wish to be envied. The trick is to be happy with precisely what you have at any given moment - whether alone, partnered up, with cats, without cats, whatever...

I don't pretend to myself that people are going to do anything differently just because they see something I might have stated here and found it persuasive. Nor do I read others' words with any intention of changing my own views or behavior. Sometimes I read something insightful and it does alter my views slightly - it does happen, I am not insanely rigid or anything. Sometimes an idea is illuminated in a new way for me and I have to incorporate that new information into my existing worldview.

I have to admit that more often than I care to admit I read people's words - usually younger people's words - and wonder to myself: "OMFG, can people really be this dumb?!" But hey, I was young and beautiful and all-knowing and invincible once upon a time myself...

As a person of some years and half my lifetime involved in D/s relationships I am not expecting many people to share things I don't already basically know. But it's still worth coming here and sharing and reading because if I have to discuss sports around the water-cooler instead I am going to have to punch somebody out. Damn, I hate sports!

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"Everything flows, nothing stands still." (Πάντα ῥεῖ καὶ οὐδὲν μένει) - Heraclitus

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 12:31:40 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Erin! So nice to see you. I have been off the boards for several weeks Myself, but, yes, I do notice that at times. You do come up with some very though provoking topics.
There have been occasions when I take more blatant issue with something posted. Mainly it is the whiney and very defensive posts. Like Lucky A, I try to think a bit before I type, but it doesn't always work. For Myself, I do not ever come away from a thread feeling less. I do take what is offered and chew it for a while. Then I either spit it out or I swallow it. Everyone is different and has a different take on what works for them. Those that get very defensive, or read into things more than is necessary, simply need more time to grow and mature. And I take that as a personal insecurity. Not much I can do about it! But it certainly makes for some interesting reads!

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 12:41:06 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		As I have matured (relatively speaking!) I try to exercise better control over my words. Sometimes I get annoyed and react rather than postitively act, but life is a matter of ongoing improvement.

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 12:47:45 PM   
veronicaofML


Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline
Do others posts make you feel this way?...and if so, where do you think that feeling comes from? Do you think about the impact of your words?

===========

wellllllllllllllllll

with my persecution complex...and my paranoid personality............???????? YES!


but then we are discussing those that deliberately attack.
not those that casually make mention to something.

i am...AM on the defense 90% of the time...real time AND on here..
not something i THINK anout doing..but something i./.just..do.
its an instinct...
bred into me from my violent background of being kicked around all my life
and if i say something by accident that hurts someone..its an accident..
normally....NO!
i do NOT attack w/o being provoked.

so if "I" attack someone..it is just cause to do so.

words?
they only have power you allow them to have, yes i know.
i COULD let some things go..but i aint gonna.
take care

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"



(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 1:21:52 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

So while I use my voice and my reactions to other's voices into account when I post, I make sure to balance it with what I'm actually trying to say. Sometimes it works like heaven, and sometimes it's a bloody mess.


yes... I agree. Some individuals are very good at interacting with others and can empathize with another when they interact, others like myself not so much!

I find generally my ability to empathize with another is very much tied to the significance the person plays in my life. I also find that those that I respect and more aware of how I say things. On a Message Board such as this, the words often do not do justice to what a person is saying and we often read emotions into words that may or may not be there. It is also important to consider that some words by themselves will have emotions tied to them and our use of them will attach an emotion to them.

In addressing the OP's question... it really is a combination of both. My feelings are my feelings and no matter what anyone says or does to affect my feelngs and thoughts is of secondary importance. I must deal with them, they are my responsibility to manage and cope with them and choose an appropriate behavior in dealing with them. Sometimes we success and manage these feelings very well... other times we not so good at it. On the Message Boards, I see individuals do both.... feel free to dump emotions becuase in truth there is very little significance or consequence to them when they do it or they are very controlled in their expression. In the F2F, we don't have that time to consider how we should respond, or at least our ability to consider is very much shorter than what can happen in the MB arena. Also, in F2F situation we can have many other means of reading the message that is communicated beyond the cold words on a screen. body language, voice tone etc all have an impact of on a person. This impact can be less or more depending on all the variables to the situation.

Over the course of time the experience of a great many interactions we are able to appreciate in depth a person. When I first came to the board there was a few that struck me positively and negatively in the way they expressed themselves. But, it is like walking into a conversation in the middle. You really don't know what is being talked about without some questions and listening to what is being said. As an example (don't mean to pick on you Lucky) When I first came to the boards, Lucky (AKA Emerald) annoyed me a few of the first posts that I read from her. However, it was watching her over time that I have come to really appreciate her in more depth. I not only seeing the things of her that impact me negatively (ie arrogant or condescending behaviors... something that is very much like me too *G) but also many more postive impacts like her well thought opinions and intellect. We all impact a person postively and negatively and they us! To deny that both will not happen is rather foolish... but it is admirable to have a more positive impact than negative, just not always easy to do.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 2:01:37 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Part of the reason I am here is to get a glimpse as to how others conduct their relationships, to learn where they find meaning in the lifestyle. I don't envy what others have (I like to think that I am worthy of finding such a thing myself), I'm happy for them if they have found a way to build something meaningful and lasting, because that is a rare thing, be it bdsm or vanilla.

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 2:13:18 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I have been noticing on a few posts that sometimes when someone posts about themselves or their D/s, M/s relationship there will be those who feel somehow lessened by their words. I don't think that the intent of the poster is to bring about these feelings in others as I believe they are just sharing of their own experience.

While I have seen things posted and thought "Wow, I would like to get to that point or level", I don't think that I have ever read anothers' words and felt like I was somehow "less".
Words definitely have impact, and some people communicate better than others. For example, John Warren who is an intellectual and a master at his craft has never posted anywhere that I've read in a mean spirited or condescending manner (even when delivering a verbal spanking online), so that I've never felt uncomfortable reading his words.

I try (some days more sucessfully than others ) to post in a way that states my thoughts/opinions/feelings and respects others even when I disagree with them.
Of course words have impact on me, and I would imagine on anyone who is respectful of other human beings and understands none of us knows everything.
I like the boards here because for me they've been like at least 10 books of learning material, so I will always be grateful for finding it, even though some of what I've read here has gone up my derriere the wrong way (growing pains ). M

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a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 2:20:48 PM   
IceyOne


Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Do others posts make you feel this way?...and if so, where do you think that feeling comes from? Do you think about the impact of your words?


Sometimes yes, but only in a slightly detached sort of way. I can read a post, and like you said 'oh wow, I wish I could reach that level'; it brings about a sense of, not feeling less, but more of wishing I could do more to reach that level. I guess you could say that I come away sometimes envious.

Sometimes I think about the impact of my words, but more often than not, I tend to write what I feel at that moment...sometimes it comes out harsh, sometimes it does not. I always try to keep some sort of balance there though.

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 2:21:55 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		i don't feel less by what other people post, i just see it as each person sharing from their own experience.

I think if people feel less from what others post, its just part of their personality that needs maturing. Like you mentioned, its an *insecurity* within that individual. We all have room to grow in different areas.

As far as thinking about the impact may words my have here, I dont really think about it. I just share my experience or whats on my mind at any given time. I would never intentionally hurt someones feelings or disturb their sensibilities.





< Message edited by slavejali -- 1/25/2006 2:22:24 PM >

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 2:27:46 PM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		i try; but i know i need to do better. You'd think with my background it wouldn't be a problem, but it has been, and it has made me sad...and s'times under seige. i am actually very curious and nonjudgmental but s'how that doesn't always come across.

So i intend to try to do better..and try to remember words can be painful to read for some people...which i never intend.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 1/25/2006 2:28:18 PM >

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 2:33:46 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:


For example, John Warren who is an intellectual and a master at his craft has never posted anywhere that I've read in a mean spirited or condescending manner (even when delivering a verbal spanking online), so that I've never felt uncomfortable reading his words.



He is indeed a fine person of quality and found even more so in person with the very short time I was able to enjoy his thoughts. I know kyra has has much respect for him in the few times she has interacted with him.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 2:55:33 PM   
veronicaofML


Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline 		He is indeed a fine person of quality =john warren
===============

hear hear

i 2nd that..and move the floor to have him recognized as a gentleman and a scholar...


_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"



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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 3:13:44 PM   
Slipstreme


Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline 		I try to keep myself level headed when I post, and post with logic on my side, as well as my thoughts and feelings. Although, sometimes I worry more that I come off as condescending, cold and somehow looking down on others, because I try to post somewhat devoid of feeling. I try for it to flow even and I never flame, even when I am in a heated debate with someone else over something. I've just found keeping your cool and staying logical allows you to be able to come away from the fire unharmed and you are better able to back up your points. I read with an open mind: letting each others experiences help shape my own descisions, if I see merit in them, being new to the lifestyle myself.

After I get to know the board better, and develop a feeling of belonging and comraderie, only then do people get to see how silly I can be. A great example of this is how I post now in my furry board: silly, goofy, and opinionated, as opposed to how I started: cool and calculative, as I am here.

Only in life do people get to see the darker side of my personality and the emotional instability that I have. That I try to keep off the message boards, because I know people don't like dealing with other people's drama. I've seen such explode into flame wars, and a couple message boards completely destroyed over it.

_____________________________

Living the Dichotomy

Painslut? How about "Endorphin Junkie"?

For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

Alpha of a leather family of four. Master to the slave z.

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 3:38:50 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think its surprising at all that various posts made here by this person or that can have an affect on others. I would say that every post written here, no matter by whom or how small, has some effect (even if only a very small one). Its the power of spoken, and especially written, words. We all affect one another, and when we speak on various subjects in debates it is generally our intent to affect others. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes not, or not in the way we intended... but I think usually there is some kind of effect. With words we all have the ability to, as a poet once wrote...
quote:

The ill timed truth we might have kept
Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?
The word we had not sense to say
Who knows how grandly it might have rung?


On my own web site I wrote this about words and writing while discussing my own love affair with words and writing.
quote:

I love words. I love what can be done with them. Words, especially written words, are incredibly powerful and possess a near magical quality for me. Words have started wars and ended them. Words have damned men and set them free. Words inspire us, terrify us, enlighten us, and enrage us. It's truly amazing what words can do. To often we take what we say or write for granted. In an age when almost anyone can publish their thoughts in written form we take too much for granted the power we wield.


Food for thought when next you think to write digital letters on these ephemeral pages.

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Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 3:54:31 PM   
aurora31


Posts: 266
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Part of the reason I am here is to get a glimpse as to how others conduct their relationships, to learn where they find meaning in the lifestyle. I don't envy what others have (I like to think that I am worthy of finding such a thing myself), I'm happy for them if they have found a way to build something meaningful and lasting, because that is a rare thing, be it bdsm or vanilla.


Thanks KatyLied, this is also why I am here, but you put it into words so much better then I ever could.

aurora

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RE: Impact of others words???? - 1/25/2006 4:18:31 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I have yet to read a post by anyone that has made me think that I am less or even made me envious and have not wanted anyone to read my words and think that they are somehow less. Many times I notice that people draw inaccurate conclusions and make a lot of assumptions regarding other’s thoughts and motivations. I try not to do these things when reading posts, but as I have said before, I am only human so therefore not perfect.


Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to mistoferin)
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