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Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 12:26:16 PM

goodmix2

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

i don't know where else to put this question, so please forgive me if i've posted this in the wrong place.
Is there such a thing as someone who calls themself a Dom(me) and portays submissive characteristics? (bottoming from the top for lack of a better term)
i met someone who claims to be Dom and all he can talk about it what he wants to do FOR me. (the exact things i see myseld doing) massages, breakfast in bed....
if that's the case, what is my role then? i can't just let those things happen for me without feeling inadequate. (and i'm not into humilation)
i should mention that i was in a major car accident and am still recovering, but i'm almost back to 100% ~ and he talks like i am SO "fragle" i'm a lot of things, but i am NOT fragle. I made it through a lot of things in my life and i am proud of that. i've tried to share those things with him so he didn't feel so "sorry" for me, but it didn't work.
i think i pissed him off. that was not my intent, but nonetheless....
thanks

Post #: 1

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 12:40:13 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Hey you.

Being a service top is a great thing. Most doms WANT to do service for their subs and slaves- they want to help them become better people, they want to help manage a good life, they want them to be more secure, etc etc.

In this particular case the dom wants to help you by doing more direct service for you. We have micro managers who want to serve the sub by choosing every piece of clothing and food that they eat every day.

Sometimes one of the hardest things to give control over is pleasure and work for ourselves.

It depends on the style. Submission isn't about the act. Is the dom in control because he drives the car for the slave? Or is the dom in control because the slave drives the car for the dom?

Who drives doesn't matter- who made the decision is what matters.

However, if the issue is his attitude and personality, that is a different matter. If you don't have compatible values and processes, you migh not be a good match for eachother. He has to see you as who YOU are, before he can start being effective with authority.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to goodmix2)

Post #: 2

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 12:45:12 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Some people nuture...it's what they do. We can have a HUGE mothering instinct or feel a large responsibility towards those in our care.

Of course, there's several other reasons why he might be doing all this, but we'll assume nothing. In the end, if you're not comfortable with what he's offering (in many different areas, pampering or otherwise), he's not the one for you.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to goodmix2)

Post #: 3

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 1:00:47 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Some people nuture...it's what they do. We can have a HUGE mothering instinct or feel a large responsibility towards those in our care.

I agree with this and in fact all of the advice above.
Actions don't make one dominant of submissive necessarily. Does he lead? Have you spent time together and felt like he can lead and you can follow him? How do you feel when with him?

I don't think that doing things that are pleasing to one's sub makes one less domly at all, I think it makes one a kind and considerate human being. What matters is whether you feel you can submit to someone who may be as L.A. said "a service top," especially if it makes you feel less useful and less submissive. I say talk to him about your perception and your feelings, and see if you two can sort your roles out. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to MistressFire70)

Post #: 4

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 1:10:24 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

Being pampered, being taken care of, being cosetted, being treasured more highly than anything else in His life.
These are the things i benefit from, by being a submissive to my Sir. He simply adores me, as i do him.

These are also things, that i had previously never accepted from people. I simply had issues about MY perception of weak. So i came to D/s seeking a situation, where i would be the one cared for. I stopped topping, and flipped 'to the other side'

just as soon as i met 'the one'. That took 41 yrs. or did it take 41 yrs for me to learn and finally submit? To stop being so strong.

I am cosetted, not because i am perceived as weak. But because i am precious. But like she said, it doesnt matter why im cosetted, its who decided that i am that counts.
Learning to 'take' takes time.

little1

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 5

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 1:17:55 PM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

Yes, there is such a thing; however, I wouldn't be quick to assume that a dominant that wants to do things for you is bottoming from the top. It sounds to me like you were both looking for different things in a relationship; however, it is not uncommon for a dominant to enjoy pampering a submissive or treating them with respect. A good friend of mine who is Dom does not have a submissive bone in his body; however, he loves to pamper his submissive. He opens doors, fixes food and drink when she is at his home, lights her cigarettes, helps her on and off with her coat, baths her, massages her, and takes her to get pedicures. He ENJOYS doing those things for and with her, so he is doing exactly what he wishes. However, there is no doubt who is in control of the relationship, and he is certain to have all his needs met by her when HE determines.

Dominant doesn't mean being selfish or uncaring. It means controlling what happens in the relationship. If a dominant CHOOSES to lead the relationship in that direction, then he is controlling what happens in the relationship.

MzKim

(in reply to goodmix2)

Post #: 6

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 1:29:17 PM

goodmix2

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

thanks for the responses...

it's not that i do not like be "taken care of" i enjoy my car door opened for me, i enjoy being treated like a lady (in public) IN fact, i don't date men or even consider them if they are not that way. that being said.....
i have learned that i am a service oriented submissive and that this is not just about the sex for me...i can find sex and it's not hard to please him sexually, but i need more and i've never encountered a service top.
it does make me uncomfortable, and i did talk to him about it, but he just seemed to agree with every thing i said for the sake of agreeing wtf? it made me feel like i was in charge.

again, thanks for the responses...it was a point of view i hadn't thougt of.

p.s (hugs Liz)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 3:36:50 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

wtf?

sounds like your decision is made. Good for you. Now you have put this into action havent you?

clearly uncompatable need wise.

"next!" so many doms to choose from.

You have gained immensely, in the understanding of why this dynamic doesnt work for you. Take that with you on your way out of this 'encounter'. You are more knowledgeable now, than previously. Its all good.

little1

(in reply to goodmix2)

Post #: 8

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 3:41:53 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

i met someone who claims to be Dom and all he can talk about it what he wants to do FOR me. (the exact things i see myseld doing) massages, breakfast in bed....

Send.him.to.me.
post haste

(just kidding, really, but he sounds like a prince)

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to goodmix2)

Post #: 9

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 5:13:15 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodmix2

i don't know where else to put this question, so please forgive me if i've posted this in the wrong place.
Is there such a thing as someone who calls themself a Dom(me) and portays submissive characteristics? (bottoming from the top for lack of a better term)
i met someone who claims to be Dom and all he can talk about it what he wants to do FOR me. (the exact things i see myseld doing) massages, breakfast in bed....
if that's the case, what is my role then? i can't just let those things happen for me without feeling inadequate. (and i'm not into humilation)
i should mention that i was in a major car accident and am still recovering, but i'm almost back to 100% ~ and he talks like i am SO "fragle" i'm a lot of things, but i am NOT fragle. I made it through a lot of things in my life and i am proud of that. i've tried to share those things with him so he didn't feel so "sorry" for me, but it didn't work.
i think i pissed him off. that was not my intent, but nonetheless....
thanks

I understand entirely what you are talking about and personally that would just turn me off as well. It sounds like the person is a service top, not a dominant (not that there is anything wrong with a service top, it just gets confusing when they call themselves a dominant).

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to goodmix2)

Post #: 10

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 5:53:13 PM

goodmix2

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

i met someone who claims to be Dom and all he can talk about it what he wants to do FOR me. (the exact things i see myseld doing) massages, breakfast in bed....

Send.him.to.me.
post haste

(just kidding, really, but he sounds like a prince)

i will be happy to send him your way...give me some time to tell him about you
he is a nice guy, just not for me (i guess)

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 11

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 5:57:26 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

What can I say? Sometimes the thought of receiving a massage instead of giving one sounds nice. It's all so confusing.....Doms, Tops, Masters, Service Tops, what's a girl to do?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to goodmix2)

Post #: 12

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 5:58:52 PM

goodmix2

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirandlittle1

wtf?

sounds like your decision is made. Good for you. Now you have put this into action havent you?

clearly uncompatable need wise.

"next!" so many doms to choose from.

You have gained immensely, in the understanding of why this dynamic doesnt work for you. Take that with you on your way out of this 'encounter'. You are more knowledgeable now, than previously. Its all good.

little1

yes, i have put it into motion. i dont see any reason to pursue something that will not be good for either of us.
and i want to thank you for your post i was starting to feel like the odd "man" out.
i DO realize that some people would love to have this as a part of their relationship, but it's not me...

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 13

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 9:57:17 PM

DragonNphoenix

Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

Lets throw something else your way. I am a Domme that is a slave to a Master. He is the only one that I am EVER submissive to. Yet in the rest of my relationships, I am a Dominant. Does that mean that I am not one or the other? No, just that I have a different relationship with my husband than I have with other people in general. Maybe that is how he is. Maybe he is a Dominant with others, but seeks one that he can be less dominant with.

Phoenix

_____________________________

**Pain is just pleasure with a twist**

(in reply to goodmix2)

Post #: 14

RE: Bottoming from the Top??? - 1/25/2006 11:35:38 PM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

I enjoy pampering my Sub on occasion. I will make her breakfast or do things for her but that doesn't change the fact that I'm a Dom and want to be dominant in most things. Being respectful and doing things for her occasionally doesn't mean I'm any less of a Dom or she's any more of a Dom. It just means I care about her and WANT to do these things now and then.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to goodmix2)

Post #: 15

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