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RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 6:52:38 AM

beargonewild

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What keeps coming to my mind is "Know thyself."

By what you wrote, it's not the BDSM that you are having problems with by the people you get involved with. Quite often we make inappropriate choices in partners and often we make the same bad choices for ourselves. One solution is to honestly re-examine the types of people you've gotten involved with and see if there's a commonality and maybe that is the crux of the problem.
Yea it took me years to finally get through my thick skull that I sucked at relationships because I was always chose my partners based upon a preconceived fantasy I thought I wanted and not being more realistic. Now at the youthful age of 48, I finally found a partner who is best suited for me and me for him. The kink is taking second priority in this relationship but it is not ignored, primary focus is on the relationship and making it as strong and solid as possible.

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Post #: 41

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 6:57:45 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

Stella, it is not just the consistant bad relationship choices that the OP is making. It is also the fact that she does not seem to be able to move on from them. She is having trouble making choices. She is also questioning her self-worth. All of these things are things that a therapist can help her to work through and give her tools to use in the future.

I'm sorry but I disagree here. You can go see as many therapists as you like but until you stop being in that lonely, isolated and vulnerable position of not having friends or a support network the only way you will be able to follow any advice given by a therapist is online and sat in front of a computer. You're wasting your money, your time and the time of the therapist, not that any therapist would object of course, because as long as you pay the fee who cares?

I've been here on the boards about two years now, and week in, week out there seems to be new drama, a new tragedy, a new crisis from someone coming onto the boards and seeking advice. And why are they doing this? Because they have this ridiculous notion that you can log into a site like this, browse a few profiles, send off a couple of e-mails and find yourself in a succssful dynamic based relationship just like everybody else.

Yeah right. Pull the other one, it's got bells on it.

I don't know where everyone gets the assumption that the OP being 22 years is already dysfunctional and in need of therapy when it's perfectly clear to me that she's maybe new to all this, as we have been, and is looking for the same decent help and advice that many of us have received in the past and have benefitted from.

I can't reveal here to TOS issues when I first came across S/M and D/s but I was very young, and I am writing from my own experience and knowledge of something I've been aware of for donkey's years.

The best and safest way to develop a relationship here is to have friends and a support network for not only can you apply what therapists advise you but you can also find support, advice and stay out of the really exposed, vulnerable and isolated places where various bad things can really happen to you and as we see here, month in and month out, they sometimes do.

Rely on your friends, not your relationships. You only have one life. A short one. No need to make it any shorter than it already is.

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Post #: 42

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 7:43:05 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

I'm sorry but I disagree here. You can go see as many therapists as you like but until you stop being in that lonely, isolated and vulnerable position of not having friends or a support network the only way you will be able to follow any advice given by a therapist is online and sat in front of a computer. You're wasting your money, your time and the time of the therapist, not that any therapist would object of course, because as long as you pay the fee who cares?

Dear stella,

I'm sorry to hear you're so bitter, and so against Therapy.
I don't know if you've had bad experiences with it.
What doesn't work for you, can work for others,
it doesn't mean she is insane, or we all would
b insane, because almost everyone had one or more
sessions in their lifetime.

I've seen enough therapists Myself, and there are timewasters
I agree, since I didn't knew what it was I needed from them.

But the last time I did a course about Self Love, Self Esteem,
And for Me that's truly the last piece of puzzle which was missing
in My life.

If you don't feel your worthy, then how on earth will you
atract people who think you're worthy? you send those
vibes out. And there are people out there with a pretty
good nose for such a people.

To Me it all boils down to, Love yourself, know you're worth
to be treated right, to b loved, to b cared for.

Only then you'll atract different kind of people, who will
respect you for being the beautiful spirit you truly are.

Friends can't solve that issue, of course it's awesome
to have a good group of people around you, but self love
is within yourself, and comes out of yourself.

It felt as a gift to Myself,
since I discovered it !

One I don't tend to lose Ever !!!

I wish you enough stella.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

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~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 43

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 8:12:20 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
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From: SW London (UK)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

Dear stella,

I'm sorry to hear you're so bitter, and so against Therapy.
I don't know if you've had bad experiences with it.
What doesn't work for you, can work for others,
it doesn't mean she is insane, or we all would
b insane, because almost everyone had one or more
sessions in their lifetime.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

Now I am confused..

GoddezzT, is this some sort of joke or are you being serious?

stella

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Post #: 44

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 8:21:39 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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right blonde Im.

< Message edited by GoddessTeaze -- 3/25/2009 8:27:59 AM >

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Post #: 45

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 8:25:49 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
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From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
Now I am confused..

GoddezzT, is this some sort of joke or are you being serious?

stella

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

I thought you knew Me better then to think of
Me I would joke about subjects like these.

GoddezzT`

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Post #: 46

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 8:26:48 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

Friends can't solve that issue, of course it's awesome
to have a good group of people around you, but self love
is within yourself, and comes out of yourself.

No friends can't help solve issues yet honest friends can help you find the answers yourself. Sometimes therapy is not the cure all answer to a persons issues and a person needs to look at themselves without the damn rose colored glasses and do the work to change things they feel need changing within themselves.

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Post #: 47

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 8:33:34 AM

stella41b

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Wow.. Well the consensus of medical professionals who I've been meeting here in London over the past few years don't really hve too many concerns.

Interesting to note that a few who read my postings here think I'm 'not quite all there'.

All I can say is that if you really did know me you might have arrived at a different conclusion.

But everyone has their opinion I guess.

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Post #: 48

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 9:07:16 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

No friends can't help solve issues yet honest friends can help you find the answers yourself. Sometimes therapy is not the cure all answer to a persons issues and a person needs to look at themselves without the damn rose colored glasses and do the work to change things they feel need changing within themselves.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze
I totally agree with you there!
One can't ever have enough friends!

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

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Post #: 49

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 9:09:20 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Wow.. Well the consensus of medical professionals who I've been meeting here in London over the past few years don't really hve too many concerns.

Interesting to note that a few who read my postings here think I'm 'not quite all there'.

All I can say is that if you really did know me you might have arrived at a different conclusion.

But everyone has their opinion I guess.

Gosh stella are your pantys in a knot???
I simply asked a question.
I didn't judge you by any means.

Hard to read what is ment really instead of reading
something into what I said, which totally isn't there.

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

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Post #: 50

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 9:55:07 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
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Let me assure you that everyone has an aching heart sometime in life, but regret is a waste of energy. At least you got out and did it...lived.

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Post #: 51

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 10:18:17 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

Gosh stella are your pantys in a knot???

GoddezzT`

One moment.

quote:

Dear stella,

I'm sorry to hear you're so bitter, and so against Therapy.
I don't know if you've had bad experiences with it.

I'm sorry but I don't see a '?' here,.

The topic in the OP isn't my mental and emotional state and I was actually trying to give an opinion on that topic.

Then you come in with the above statement. These are statements, not questions.

Rest assured if I'm experiencing emotional or psychological problems which I would like to share with people on the boards I'll start a thread.

Until then can't we just give our opinions here without people trying to play 'armchair psychologist' and stick to the topic in the thread?

It would avoid so many issues and misunderstandings.

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Post #: 52

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 10:57:12 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: stella

quote:

You can go see as many therapists as you like but until you stop being in that lonely, isolated and vulnerable position of not having friends or a support network the only way you will be able to follow any advice given by a therapist is online and sat in front of a computer. You're wasting your money, your time and the time of the therapist, not that any therapist would object of course, because as long as you pay the fee who cares?

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze
Well stella,
My impression
is that you aren't convinced of the Therapy,
and the cynical remarks about " your wasting your money" and the one about "who cares?"

Gave Me the impression you're bitter about it.

Enough said about this though.

Lets go back to the topic.

I do hope you find your way ripenready!

GoddezzT`

< Message edited by GoddessTeaze -- 3/25/2009 10:58:02 AM >

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(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 53

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 12:57:59 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

Well stella,
My impression
is that you aren't convinced of the Therapy,
and the cynical remarks about " your wasting your money" and the one about "who cares?"

Gave Me the impression you're bitter about it.

Enough said about this though.

GoddezzT`

Greetings

It's okay, I knew we'd share a penny-dropping moment somewhere here.

I wasn't being cynical at all - just realistic. First thing, I don't see any point in going to see a therapist unless you really need to and there's no way you're ever going to know that, or the extent of your issues, until you step away from the computer and get out there in the rteal world and start making face to face friendships,. Basing your contact with other people on trying to set up some sort of involved relationship based on a dynamic is too risky and isn't really going to tell you much, other that it's difficult and challenging to start and successfully develop such a relationship.

On what basis are you basing a need for therapy, a relationship with a keyboard and mouse and a computer monitor?

To me the litmus test as to whether you have issues or not with other people, or even with yourself, is how you form friendships and with whiom you form your friendships with, and how those friendships are sustained. You won't know until you try. No point in calling an ambulance if you've sprained your foot, just go see a doctor.

Secondly the success of any sort of therapy doesn't rely on the therapist, but on the attitudes of the patient and their will to benefit from the therapy. The therapist is there to provide therapy, not provide emotional support, hold your hand or pass you tissues, you need to make the changes yourself. The therapist can only suggest how you can change but you really do have to be the change yopurself and to have what is necessary to make those changes in your life.

I do hope this makes things clearer.

Be well.

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Post #: 54

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 1:11:07 PM

califsue

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Without reading all the replies and briefly looking at your profile you are only 22 and you might be older depending on when you set up your profile since on CM your age doesn't automatically update and you state you have been involved for six years in this lifestyle.

Are you involved in your local community by attending munches and/or other BDSM events?

Are you looking for a partner or play? If you were looking for a vanilla partner what would your primary interest be? Take the kink/BDSM out of the equation and really fine tune what you want/need from a relationship.

You are young and start by focusing on yourself and living life. Once you do that and are not so wrapped up in finding a partner you might be surprised by what you find.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RipenReady

Sorry if this isn't in the right section, but I wanted the opinion of everyone on here, not just the submissives/switches on the board.

Anyway..

I've been in the lifestyle for about 6 years now so I'm not new to this by any means but lately it's like nothing is going right. It's like a constant struggle inside of me questioning whether this is what I want or am I just hurting myself in the long run. All of the men that I've been with since I've been in this lifestyle have hurt me either physically or emotionally and it's emotionally drained me. I've tried to take time off and clear my mind but I always come back. Lately I've questioned whether it's me or is it them. Am I not good enough..should I even bother trying to find someone and taking the risk of getting hurt again.

I guess my question would be has that happened to anyone else? If so..how did you get through it? Do you leave or do you stay?

(in reply to RipenReady)

Post #: 55

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 2:35:55 PM

marysdream

Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
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hi i am sorry you have experienced this as i have please feel free to read my profile , the latest update....this is based on a me taking care of myself....this men that you have experienced have no conscious...they prey on subs know how we feel and how vulnerable we can get..they are under some misconception that being a D lol if that is what they are gives them the right to treat others anyway they desire, and what is sad is they know and plan to do this. so that being said, you have to come to a place that being a submissive is a journey that far exceeds CM..or any website!
please take care of you!
ree

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Post #: 56

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 3:11:22 PM

RipenReady

Posts: 35
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

In response to califsue, no I am not involved with the local BDSM community/munches because due to only being 23 a lot of the groups are not very accepting of me. I've tried to join local groups and even though I am over 18 I'm still shunned because of my age. I've been to a few munches with friends and was basically the black sheep of the group. It seems that the groups around here aren't very welcoming.

Personally, I believe that is where a lot of my issues come from. I would like to find people that are local who I can talk to about the different things that are going on, hell maybe even a mentor if you will, but it seems a lot of people have an issue with me being young.

Anyway, I just want to thank everyone for their responses, whether I agree with them or not. Honestly, I can say that I'm not going to see a therapist. I hardly see that as something that I need right now. For one, I have better things to spend my money on, like college, then to spend it on someone trying to tell me what I need to do to "cure" myself. I'm sure that statement will open a whole 'nother bag of worms, but that's how I feel on that. For those of you who see me as someone with self esteem issues, I'm sorry you see things that way, because I'm not. The only reason I posted this question on here was because I wanted to see what kind of answers I would get. I've got a limited amount of friends that are involved in this and I thought I would broaden my horizon from their answers for a change.

(in reply to marysdream)

Post #: 57

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/25/2009 5:29:26 PM

MidMichCowboy

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Joined: 3/23/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pdv99

MidMichCowboy, that's a brilliant answer.

Well thank you, but I prefer to call it experience. Sometimes its a harsh but thorough teacher.

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Post #: 58

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/31/2009 9:45:33 AM

OwnedLilMegan

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/30/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RipenReady

Sorry if this isn't in the right section, but I wanted the opinion of everyone on here, not just the submissives/switches on the board.

Anyway..

I've been in the lifestyle for about 6 years now so I'm not new to this by any means but lately it's like nothing is going right. It's like a constant struggle inside of me questioning whether this is what I want or am I just hurting myself in the long run. All of the men that I've been with since I've been in this lifestyle have hurt me either physically or emotionally and it's emotionally drained me. I've tried to take time off and clear my mind but I always come back. Lately I've questioned whether it's me or is it them. Am I not good enough..should I even bother trying to find someone and taking the risk of getting hurt again.

I guess my question would be has that happened to anyone else? If so..how did you get through it? Do you leave or do you stay?

the risk of getting hurt again...it's by far the scariest thing i've ever had to face up to.

i know that for me, the way i tried to get through it was to just block it all out mentally. no real communication with anyone, no real submission on my part, and then i tried to look like i was happy with it. i got pretty damn good at it too. but all i really ended up doing was confusing myself.

i know how stubborn i was, so i know that telling you to just try and stick it out probably doesn't seem worth it, but i will say that it is impossible to ignore your own needs, drives, impulses and true happiness for very long. and you know what you need, otherwise this question would never have entered your mind.

be patient, be wary, but don't close the door. eventually someone will come through it (or like in my case, force Their way in) and make all the pain and frustration you feel now worth it.

when that happens, you'll know. that's about all the advice i can give you. ( :

(in reply to RipenReady)

Post #: 59

RE: A sincere question.. - 3/31/2009 10:03:01 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I agree with Stella here. Therapy is suggested without any reasonable basis. You are young, good grief of course you don't know what you want yet or how to get it. For petes sake people my age don't often know how to do that!
Self esteem issues? LOL like most people here have not been in a bad (or several bad) relationships! And did each and every one of them find mr right immediately, or where there a few frogs along the way?
Therapy is not a cure all for dealing with bad choices.
Sometimes you have to fail (many times) to find out ok.. this is not working for me, what can I do to change the dynamic?
Life is very similar to skating. There will be some bruises, some skinned knees, people hugging the walls, people boldly going for the center, and none of us is born with skates on.
Expect to fall.
Judging by the responses and calls for therapy...lol I think that most people here surely must be perfect. No issues, no bad times, no frequent mistakes in similar areas. Wow.. I would envy that if I didn't know that who I am now is a result of my life experience. And who would have thought, I actually like me, mistakes and all.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: RipenReady
For those of you who see me as someone with self esteem issues, I'm sorry you see things that way, because I'm not. The only reason I posted this question on here was because I wanted to see what kind of answers I would get. I've got a limited amount of friends that are involved in this and I thought I would broaden my horizon from their answers for a change.

(in reply to RipenReady)

Post #: 60

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