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When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/25/2006 7:02:45 PM   
misssubmisse


Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		i just need to get this off my chest.

Since i have joined; feels like longer but it's only been like 3 days i think :S, i have done my best to reply to absolutely every message i received; both on the site and through YIM.

Now, i replied because i feel that if someone took the time to send me a message, it's only right i send one back, but starting yesterday it seems a good chunk of the messages were...stupid and/or redundant :S

Having read those messages and feeling no desire to reply, i decided to just leave them, or to reply very quickly with a "thank you, but i'm not interested in what you've outlined, best luck finding what you seek" message. Until then, i'd been replying in a lot of detail about why i'm here and virtually explaining myself as if it were owed to the person. Pointless, right? :S

Yet now when i send the courtesy reply, i'm being scolded and admonished for not accepting their 'offer'...did i miss the memo that told me i'm obligated to take the 'training' i'm being offered because i'm here to learn more? i've never in my profile or any of my posts asked to be trained by anyone, i'm here to get familiar with what the lifestyle is about and read the thoughts, feelings and philosophies of members who are experienced, or are currently where i'd like to be in the future once i have had my own experiences and delved deeper.

It's so frustrating to feel like people are sending a message with an implicit expectation.

What ever happened to just sharing some thoughts and getting to know people?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/25/2006 7:14:52 PM   
IceyOne


Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline 		Nope, there is no protocol that says you have to be polite to those kind of people, or that you have to respond to every message. Alot will take offense when you say 'thanks but no thanks', you best bet is to ignore them and stick to your guns. Try not to take offense at what they are saying to...after all, they don't know you I wish I could be paid for the number of emails I receive that tell me I am ungrateful, not very submissive, in no way slave material, etc etc...I would never have to work again for the rest of my life. I just ignore them, smile at their childish behavior,and go on to more important things.

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to misssubmisse)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/25/2006 7:22:03 PM   
misssubmisse


Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks IO, i'm happy to know i'm not the nly one who's being told that kind of thing AND that i'm not the only one who feels like it's a lot of BS

i giggled with the getting paid for every time it happens thing, if only

(in reply to IceyOne)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/25/2006 8:30:57 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		YOu need to get this into your head right now or you will become an unwitting doormat:

Someone is always going to tell you that you are doing the wrong thing.

You need to do what is right for you and you alone. You are the only person who can know what that is.

This doesn't mean you become careless, heartless, mean, or idiotic. It means that you make your own choices and not allow yourself to become lost in the mix.

Whether you decide to respond to emails or not is up to you. These boards are filled with dozens of threads about people whining about why they are receiving messages and why they aren't receiving messages and what messages they should be sending and what messages they shouldn't be sending.

I treat emails like phone calls. I have no obligation to answer.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to misssubmisse)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/25/2006 9:19:26 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		You are under no obligation to reply to anyone, nor are you obliged to reply to anybody politely.

Like you, I try to reply to every message I get (though i doubt I get anywhere near the number you do). So far I have replied no thank you to the offers I have recieved, and I too have been accused of being a fake for doing so, i generally just delete them after reading them for their comedic value, but i have indeed sent off a very impolite response when I felt it was deserved.

As to those who scold you for not accepting their training...well they could use a bit of training themselves from Mistress Manners (don't you just love the images that conjures up ). However, I looked over your profile and I can see how it could be interpreted as asking for "training":
quote:

hoping to find someone to teach me some new things

quote:

i would like to learn some more about serving a partner and how to be a better submissive.


While given what you have written here the meaning is clear, if the person reading your profile has not read this thread, then I can see how they may interpret that to mean you are actively seeking "training" (a concept I dislike...as if I know how to be a good sub). That being said, that in no way excuses them for being jerks about your refusing, nor does it require you to reply or to do anything beyond ignoring them...you are aware of the "Block" function aren't you?

The rule I take is to reply nicely until they get rude or out of line. I correspond nearly daily with a lovely girl on here, and very much enjoy our exchanges, despite the fact that we are not what the other is looking for at all, So don't ignore a person simply because what they say they want isn't what you want, give them a chance, you may make a good friend, or at least a good pen pal.


_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/25/2006 9:25:26 PM   
michaelGA


Posts: 1194
Status: offline 		welcome to the club. for the most part, people here are relatively friendly...but there are still quite a few out there that are sorely lacking in manners themselves.

when friendly greetings or thorough replies to questions are retorted or admonished, it has a poor impact on one's self-esteme.

hope things get better for you.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to misssubmisse)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/25/2006 9:52:04 PM   
misssubmisse


Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		i don't have much time, but i've read everything here and wanted to say thanks to A/all that replied.

i'd never considered that what i wrote could sound like i was looking for training, i figured people would say it specifically if they wanted that, and thought whent hey read that i wanted to learn, they'd know i'd wasn't ready for any actual training but just wanted to educate myself. i do see though how it could be iffy and lead to misunderstandings, so thanks for that, i'll add int he profile that i do not want any training sometime tonight

thanks again A/all, i appreciate your thoughts and suggestions...and i did find the block feature last night, thank God lol

(in reply to michaelGA)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/26/2006 12:47:01 AM   
misssubmisse


Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		Ok, now i have some time

LA - Thanks for this advice, as well as the advice you've given on some of my other questions, i really appreciate it i've done pretty well with it tonight, i read some messages a few minutes ago and only replied to 4 or 5 that i thought were people i'd like to keep in touch with, the rest i just read and deleted because i knew they weren't at all what i'm here for. i should be a normal person in a couple days time lol Thanks

Arpig - That accusation of being fake is what i got with the most irritating of the numbnut messages, i hated that, sorry you've had to hear it too Thanks muchly again for pointing out the parts of my profile that weren't written very well considering i really have no interest in being 'trained' by anyone here, i'll have those corrected in a few minutes, i appreciate being able to understand now why i had copious amounts of Doms giving me lengthy messages about what training they would do with me and how i needed to be with them, etc. i also do as you've said, and keep in touch with anyone here who i enjoy chatting with and feel i can gain some insight and knowlege from, it's the reason i'm here and i'm definitely happy that i found this site because of how wonderful the vast majoirty of members here are. i had no idea i'd have access to so many helpful and quality people here when i first joined, figured i'd just peruse and read some threads and that would be all, but luckily and surprisingly i've manged to start getting to know a good group of people who i respect and admire and am learning a great deal from

btw i do indeed adore the Mistress Manners imagery lol

mGA - Thanks a lot for that Things are already better, it was just a brief moment of irritation and that block feature really helped extinguish that fire lol Sorry to hear of the times you've had at points with the lesser quality members, but happy to know you're also able to find people who are great and gaining from the site

Thanks everyone

(in reply to misssubmisse)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/26/2006 3:29:31 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: misssubmisse

Yet now when i send the courtesy reply, i'm being scolded and admonished for not accepting their 'offer'



If you're truly not "interested" in them, and have told them so in your reply, don't even bother to correspond further. Why not just delete any return correspondence? This way you won't get upset by their strong desire to work you to change your mind about them.

In the past, I've had men go on and on with the "why aren't you interested," and "but, but, but...." responses. After a while you'll be able to pick out that type (from their initial e-mail to you), but in the mean time, if you're not interested, don't bother any further after you've said "no."

You are under no obligation to continue correspondence with anyone. And if you choose not to respond, don't think of it as bad manners on your part....sometimes it's survival.

K

(in reply to misssubmisse)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/26/2006 10:22:25 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

YOu need to get this into your head right now or you will become an unwitting doormat:

Someone is always going to tell you that you are doing the wrong thing.

You need to do what is right for you and you alone. You are the only person who can know what that is.

This doesn't mean you become careless, heartless, mean, or idiotic. It means that you make your own choices and not allow yourself to become lost in the mix.

Whether you decide to respond to emails or not is up to you. These boards are filled with dozens of threads about people whining about why they are receiving messages and why they aren't receiving messages and what messages they should be sending and what messages they shouldn't be sending.

I treat emails like phone calls. I have no obligation to answer.



As always, direct, to the point and painfully true!

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/26/2006 11:18:00 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
If you change your gender to "male," pretty much all unsolicited contact ceases immediately.

(in reply to misssubmisse)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/26/2006 3:18:39 PM   
IceyOne


Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


If you change your gender to "male," pretty much all unsolicited contact ceases immediately.


LOL yep


_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/27/2006 12:58:21 AM   
misssubmisse


Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		FTM - Thanks for the reply, I especially enjoyed the last line, that's great

MH - LA certainly does break it down, doesn't she? Always a fun read with a few giggles and a lot of wisdom behind it

cloud - LOL That was fantastic, thank you

(in reply to IceyOne)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/27/2006 5:24:16 PM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Anyone who has ever shown up on the "new members list" feels your pain. And that would be all of us.

It' s nice to be polite, yes. It is also nice to remain sane and not waste a lot of your time on people who are not ever going to be happy with what you say unless it is something to the tune of "Where have you been all my life? Finally, someone on whom to spend my millions and in whom I can invest all my foot-rubbing talent..."

My dominant happens to have access to my email and, well, let's just say he thinks it's important that I be polite. Very important. Painfully important.
Get my drift?

He has, however, praised me in the past for NOT responding to certain emails while also pointing out that he was pleased with the way I responded to others. What that says to me is that there' s being polite and then there is being responsible with your resources which include time and energy, and being choosey about how and where you spend them.
It sounds like your heart is in the right place...So, dont fret if you end up not responding to every Tom Dick and Domly who sends you a cyber wink.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to misssubmisse)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/27/2006 6:41:45 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, I rarely get mail from people who want to move in with us or who express unreal expectations. With those few I am firm and firstly ask if they have read my profile and understand that I live in Australia and not in the US, canada or UK. If they follow through, I'll also advise them of the difficulties of relocating to Australia which usually results in their breaking contact. The balance of those who mail me are either a select few with whom I have a great relationship (Both sub/slave and Dominants), some who I have contacted usually with a complement on their profile and often regarding their posts. If they are collared, I always send my regards to their Dominant as well as a mater of respecting the collar. Only once have I had a real wanker to whom I wrote a lengthy reply in an Edwardian style which shut down the person's drivel.



_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to misssubmisse)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/27/2006 10:15:50 PM   
IceyOne


Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Only once have I had a real wanker to whom I wrote a lengthy reply in an Edwardian style which shut down the person's drivel.


Oh my...remind me never to piss you off

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/28/2006 9:43:31 PM   
misssubmisse


Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the replies everyone...and ditto on not pissong off IB lol

(in reply to IceyOne)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: When Compulsion to Be Polite Goes Too Far - 1/29/2006 12:03:51 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

If you change your gender to "male," pretty much all unsolicited contact ceases immediately


And you can also "disable" your profile. This will dramatically cut down on the amount of pm's you receive.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to misssubmisse)
Profile   Post #: 18
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