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Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 12:45:11 PM

bratnwranglers

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My Husband and i are a D/s couple as well, but since W/we got married the D/s has decreased significantly, which was lil over a month ago. Is that just a naturally adjustment, moving into living together, the everyday grind with work, shopping, meals, job hunting etc?? It has been hard too because almost since W/we have been married, they have had them working 15-16 hour days, so i understand Him being tired. So is it normal?? and is there anything i can do to get it back?? or will that come naturally as W/we adjust?? Thanks for the input.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 12:54:09 PM

IronBear

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In short yes your husband can be both Husband and Master (Similarly, a woman can be both Wife and Mistress in the BDSM sense too). I have a good number of friends in the various BDSM/kink lifestyles who are married and where one is either the Master or Mistress and the other is the sub or slave. It doesn't matter if you both were kingsters or vanilla, there is often an adjustment period especially where one half of the couple has additional working hours. Time is your best friend along with tolerance and patience. In time you both should be able to work out a routine which gives both of you time for fun things as well as every day stuff,

< Message edited by IronBear -- 3/24/2009 12:55:34 PM >

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 1:02:42 PM

SirMIkeSD

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There are a good number of married couples in this life and it works for them. For me personally I would first never get married and if I did it would not be to my sub or slave as I feel it would change the dynamic too much for me. If it works for you great, I would not impose my believes on you.

Mike

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 2:02:48 PM

antipode

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quote:

since W/we got married the D/s has decreased significantly

This subject is discussed frequently, in the forums. In many, if not most cases, one of the partners uses D/s as a tool to "hook" the other, then once the relationship is established, drops it. "Getting it back" generally does not exist - you can't change another person, only yourself.

Look at it this way: if he wanted D/s, getting married would not have had a high importance (unless practical considerations like car & health insurance, or immigration, were at issue). So if he pushed to marry you, having you exclusively would have been his ultimate goal, not the D/s. If you were the one pushing for marriage, because you wanted to have your cake and eat it, you now know better.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 2:08:45 PM

peppermint

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It is very normal for someone working 15-16 hours a day to not be in the mood for much of anything. When I did those hours, I came home, ate dinner, and fell asleep. Since you are looking for work you probably have tons of time on your hands.

My personal take on this is that he's just too tired...not that he can't be your Dom as well as your husband. When his work calms down to normal hours he'll probably be eager to play.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 2:51:18 PM

FRSguy

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Yes, there are lots of couples who are into the BDSM and or DS that are married. Just like with sex it waxes and wanes depending on whats going on in and outside of the relationship. You might have one month thats incredibly sick, twisted and deliciouse and the next month you might not do a whole lot....

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 5:24:47 PM

antipode

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quote:

It is very normal for someone working 15-16 hours a day to not be in the mood for much of anything

But one should then wonder why they make a commitment to a partner they should know they can't stand by. Some folks working 15-16 hours a day actually don't need to, they use that as an escape mechanism from their private commitments. Others can't control their dedication to their career, to the detriment of their relationship. The OP has not enlightened us as to the cause..

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 5:26:52 PM

antipode

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quote:

It is very normal for someone working 15-16 hours a day to not be in the mood

Or let me put it this way: I find it suspect when someone commits to being both husband and master, which I think is double whammy, and then goes off to spend every waking hour working.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 5:39:36 PM

DesFIP

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When he moved up here, the D/s pretty much stopped for about six months. Now, he had transferred within his company but he had to find places to have lunch, make friends with coworkers. Even such things we take for granted as the waitress in the coffee shop remembering how he takes his coffee takes time. The whole comfort level of these things is helpful in making you feel better about daily life.

So now you two are together, he's getting used to you leaving the cap off the toothpaste, or putting it back on his, discovering there isn't any Crest in the bathroom, just Colgate. All of the small stuff that makes up part of our day.

Plus working 15 hours a day has to be leaving him dog tired. I'm amazed he hasn't fallen asleep at the wheel yet. Does he expect the job situation to improve?

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 6:07:45 PM

FelineFae

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In a word, yes.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 6:12:27 PM

FelineFae

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bratnwranglers

My Husband and i are a D/s couple as well, but since W/we got married the D/s has decreased significantly, which was lil over a month ago. Lol, you're in a time of great adjustment. Give things a little time to find a state of normalcy for you two.

Is that just a naturally adjustment, moving into living together, the everyday grind with work, shopping, meals, job hunting etc?? It has been hard too because almost since W/we have been married, they have had them working 15-16 hour days, so i understand Him being tired. So is it normal?? and is there anything i can do to get it back?? or will that come naturally as W/we adjust?? Thanks for the input. Imho- yes, you are going through a very typical phase in the relationship. Just keep the communication open and express that rev'ing up this part of life is important to you. HTH- feline

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 6:14:44 PM

E2Sweet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bratnwranglers

...So is it normal?? and is there anything i can do to get it back?? or will that come naturally as W/we adjust?? Thanks for the input.

Talk to him.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 6:21:15 PM

bratnwranglers

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The reason for His hours is not His choosing, He is a soldier...He works the hours He is told which can be upto 24/7.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 6:43:55 PM

FelineFae

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LOL. C'mail me if you want, i might know a little of what you're going through. Just be glad you'll never have to shine boots or iron BDU's,,, Oh goodness, i've done my share.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 7:31:41 PM

peppermint

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

It is very normal for someone working 15-16 hours a day to not be in the mood for much of anything

But one should then wonder why they make a commitment to a partner they should know they can't stand by. Some folks working 15-16 hours a day actually don't need to, they use that as an escape mechanism from their private commitments. Others can't control their dedication to their career, to the detriment of their relationship. The OP has not enlightened us as to the cause..

Apparently this person has no choice in how many hours he works. People in the military are married. Some have to be gone from home for extended periods of time or work long hours. It's part of the job. I was married to a military man. People get into relationships with military personel and marry for the same reasons as most get married. They fall in love and want to be together. There is usually an understanding before marriage that there will be separations and both need to figure out how to deal with those separations. Dealing with the long hours and separations is not always easy.

As I have explained to more than one young military man who is in love...love is not always enough. They must also choose a woman who can and will be self sufficient. She must be able to figure out a way to deal with the responsibilities and pressures that get put on the shoulders of a military spouse.

The OP is young....newly wed....and still trying to gain her balance in her new role as a military spouse. This is really her first test in how she will be able to deal with the even more stressful long separations that are almost sure to happen. It's a learning process.

Bratnwranglers....I suspect you've moved to his location to be with him. He probably doesn't know all the resources available to you on base. First, join the Spouse Club. I've never known a command that didn't have one. You'll make friends there and be among people who are experiencing the same pressures you are under. Also, there is usually a place on base that helps military spouses find jobs. They provide assistance in making a resume. They know about any job openings on base and off base employers will often contact them when they are looking for new employees. There are other submissives here who have military Doms. You might want to find them and see how they handle long hours apart. Good luck...and if you need someone to bounce thoughts off, write to me on the other side. I did 20 years right beside him.

< Message edited by peppermint -- 3/24/2009 7:33:00 PM >

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 7:49:43 PM

FelineFae

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*Uh erg... i'd be VERY careful about groups of spouces in that type of setting. It's normally high drama and popularity contests for women that were unable to leave their high schools days behind them. You'll have enough drama as a military spouce without inviting it over for tea.

*If there is an FRG, it is in your best interest to attend, but don't go there for friendship.

*The best way to find friends on post is to seek out people with common interest, totally disreguard rank, no one gets in trouble for frat' anymore.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/24/2009 8:28:18 PM

peppermint

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The military Spouse Clubs generally are there to keep people informed. If the military person is expected home from deployment, they normally have a phone system to let everyone know when the plane or whatever transporation they are using is do to show...and where. Since plans change constantly (mine never got home at the time I was first informed) the clubs let you know the new ETA. They get people from the base....such as Special Services, Housing, or the PX system to give talks on what they have to offer to people.

I'm sure not all clubs are the same. I'm sure some are not as good as others, however, with people transferring in and out of a unit constantly...she might just find a well organized club. All she can do is try it. Nothing says anyone has to attend all the meetings.

I'd also like to inform you that my own son was married to a Navy woman and was a member of the Spouse Club.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/25/2009 5:24:18 AM

SirJ40

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I personally find that a D/s relationship that is also a marriage will have a natural ebb and flow.. sometimes the D/s will be predominant, sometimes the "vanilla" marriage side will be. For instance, right now we are planning our wedding.. we are not in the D/s mindset, we are in the husband/wife mindset. I have no desire to be the Dominant, making decisions for both of us right now.. the day is to be special to both of us, and we must function as a team, a partnership in order to organize it. As a result, we haven't played all that much lately.. and we discussed that recently, too. We decided that we simply weren't in that "headspace", and were focused on other things. We feel completely at ease that when the work of planning and executing the wedding is done, we'll likely go through a flurry of playing and power exchange.. and it will be just as much fun as it always was. Very likely, we'll have a rowdy and 'playful' honeymoon, too- in some ways, it might be considered our reward for working hard and getting the wedding planned.
But those who advise discussion, talking to him, have the right idea. Communicate- let him know your concerns, and keep it conversational, don't get all upset and stressed- if he married you, I suspect he cares about you and your concerns, and although it might take considerable discussion to find the root of your concern and lay it to rest, I personally feel confidant that you will do so.
Not everyone in this lifestyle lives it 24/7. It's just not always possible, especially when your relationship includes the complexity of a loving marriage. You obviously have trust for him if you married him.. trust that he will help you work this out, too. Your marriage is very new.. it is, I feel, only natural that it would take precedence over the D/s for a while, and since he's working a lot, perhaps he's dedicating his time with you to establishing that relationship solidly before addressing the D/s side again.. which is, if you ask Me, a responsible way of doing things. Of course, I don't "know" any of these things, I am merely speaking from My own experiences, but I do know that communication will answer your questions, while a lack of it will not.

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/25/2009 5:47:25 AM

SailingBum

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Hang in there brat I salute all the miltary folk that put their life on the line so we don't have to. Be supportive of the job he is doing. The long days will so be only a memory.

BadOne

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RE: Can Husband and Master be One? - 3/25/2009 6:47:13 AM

subangi

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He's in the military, and hes got a job!! That says alot of positive things about him already.
Those long hours of work are very tiring....what a super extra reason to pamper him.
I bet its lonely with him working those hours, and to add the "adjustment period" of marriage....do you wonder what might be going on in his head? Could be the same as you.
Show him your inner strength, love, and positive energy!

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