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Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 3:51:46 AM   
clearlyme12


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/14/2009
Status: offline 		About a month ago i started talking to this lovely guy (dom) who seemed to have a great sense of humour, we could talk for hours about nothing and seemed to enjoy the same things in life. We decided to meet quite quickly (only a vanilla type meeting.....in a cafe, over a coffee) and found that there was an attraction there. Yesterday we met up for a public "scene" we went shopping, had a nice lunch etc, then started playing.....was very discreet, no body knew any wiser. He has been "in my head" for a while.....he enjoys the mental side of BDSM as do i. We found out that i have submitted to him quicker than we were both expecting. I have given him the trust, and we both think it is too quick. He's a lovely man, very respectful of my feelings etc, but he's scared that now he has that power that he will use it in ways i dont want him to. He is new to the lifestyle, whereas i have been in it, for about 8 years. This has never happened to me this quick before.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any suggestions? Should we just enjoy it and see where it goes?? Thanks
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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 4:04:33 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Trust your instincts. If it feels right, then just enjoy. It will move along at the pace that it's supposed to. There are no rules as to timeframes.

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 4:10:27 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clearlyme12

About a month ago i started talking to this lovely guy (dom) who seemed to have a great sense of humour, we could talk for hours about nothing and seemed to enjoy the same things in life. We decided to meet quite quickly (only a vanilla type meeting.....in a cafe, over a coffee) and found that there was an attraction there. Yesterday we met up for a public "scene" we went shopping, had a nice lunch etc, then started playing.....was very discreet, no body knew any wiser. He has been "in my head" for a while.....he enjoys the mental side of BDSM as do i. We found out that i have submitted to him quicker than we were both expecting. I have given him the trust, and we both think it is too quick. He's a lovely man, very respectful of my feelings etc, but he's scared that now he has that power that he will use it in ways i dont want him to. He is new to the lifestyle, whereas i have been in it, for about 8 years. This has never happened to me this quick before.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any suggestions? Should we just enjoy it and see where it goes?? Thanks


First I will congratulate you on beginning a new relationship.
I have been in your exact position.  I loathe giving advice so I only relate as what pertains to me.  Enjoy it?  Absolutely!  Don't look at timing.  Ignore all the regular 'advice' that states that relationships or people must have a specific time period for action.  Question only yourself.  Is it fun?  Do you feel fulfilled?  Are you growing?  Do you enjoy each others company?  Any bad vibes?  Do you desire a future and could this provide it? 
If it ticks all the boxes - enjoy it.  Don't compare this relationship to others you have had or to other peoples relationships.  Don't waste time and energy worrying that things are moving too fast unless you feel pushed and rushed.  Doesn't matter how much time you have practised BDSM compared to him, what matters is the people involved and how they are as individuals.
 
Enjoy and cross bridges when you come to them, don't build walls of expectation that you end up getting blocked by.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 4:27:27 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Promise him that if he goes too far you will tell him, you will call red. And give him lots of positive feedback about the stuff that is just right.

It's natural for a new top to feel insecure. After all, his whole life he's been taught not to hurt girls, and now there's one asking him to. It would be a red flag if he wasn't having some conflicts. This shows he's a good guy. So tell him that. I find it takes about six months before a new top gets over all that. And lots of positive feedback helps. Tell him that you loved when he did x, and that it made you all aroused and that you would love it if he could do it again, real soon.

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 4:45:38 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

but he's scared that now he has that power that he will use it in ways i dont want him to.


He can only do it if you allow him to, he isn't Merlin.

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 5:00:45 AM   
susie


Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Trust your instincts. If it feels right, then just enjoy. It will move along at the pace that it's supposed to. There are no rules as to timeframes.


I agree. I was concerned at the speed things went when I met Master and he said the same thing "it moves at the speed that is right".

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 6:44:00 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Of course you can enjoy it but that does not mean that you ignore the idea you both have that things are going to fast. Enjoy what you have in controlled and limited ways as you continue to get to know each other. Make clear distinctions between Ds time and non-Ds time. If you two will work out, then you will work out 6 months from now so there is no reason to not take your time in this.


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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 8:47:11 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		When I saw the title of the thread I assumed it was the other way around, that he was pushing you to go faster than you thought you could handle.  Your situation is much, much better than that.  Relax and enjoy.  : )

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 8:59:47 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clearlyme12

About a month ago i started talking to this lovely guy (dom) who seemed to have a great sense of humour, we could talk for hours about nothing and seemed to enjoy the same things in life. We decided to meet quite quickly (only a vanilla type meeting.....in a cafe, over a coffee) and found that there was an attraction there. Yesterday we met up for a public "scene" we went shopping, had a nice lunch etc, then started playing.....was very discreet, no body knew any wiser. He has been "in my head" for a while.....he enjoys the mental side of BDSM as do i. We found out that i have submitted to him quicker than we were both expecting. I have given him the trust, and we both think it is too quick. He's a lovely man, very respectful of my feelings etc, but he's scared that now he has that power that he will use it in ways i dont want him to. He is new to the lifestyle, whereas i have been in it, for about 8 years. This has never happened to me this quick before.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any suggestions? Should we just enjoy it and see where it goes?? Thanks


as others have said... relax and enjoy!  seems you have, maybe, found your mate.  the fact that he has concerns is good on his part, and excellent on yours.

as a wise and sweet gorean Woman told me when getting to know the man i am involved with now... just be... breathe... relax.. enjoy.. and just be!  the rest will fall into place.  be honest and communicate everything.  even the bad things.  the first year can be so exciting, and scary,  give it time and enjoy, no pushing, no rushing.  ~grins~ no need is there.

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 9:31:32 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		When I first saw andi I knew I wanted her to be mine. The following day I saw her at a Meeting and started talking to her. Gave her my number and she called me two days later. We talked all night and I told her "This may sound creepy, but I can't just be your friend, I will always want more than that." The next day we went on a date to the top of Dixie Rock and she told me that she had screwed up and was going to Jail for the weekend because of it and had to report to the Jail in a few hours. We Kissed. A Lot.

I explained to her what BDSM was and she really clicked to the idea once I explained that just about every relationship he had up until this point was kind of the same thing only this would be a consentual surrender and I wasn't gunna hit her unless she wanted me to. We discussed our Kinks and our Fears and really go to know what the other wanted in a relationship

When she got out of jail she gave me a letter that outlined how much she liked me back and how different I was from what she usually dated, and how she wanted to give this a shot. We spent EVERY DAY together after that, She got Pregnant maybe our second or third time together and 2 months after meeting her I was explaining to my soon to be Father-in-law that not only had I knocked up his little girl I was also wanting to take her hand in marriage. That was a Fun Conversaion.

So to sum up in the 2 and 1/2 months I had known andi, we started dating, defined our relationship, got pregnant, and engaged.

On April 27th we will have been together for 3 years and our Midget was at our wedding.

Define Fast? How much time should one take when everything feels right? How many days are required before you know you want to surrender your will to someone? HOW LONG DOES IT HAVE TO FEEL RIGHT BEFORE YOU ACCEPT THAT IT IS?

Sure his fears would worry me a little because he is basically saying that he is somewhat afraid of losing control of himself and well sometimes that just takes two people willing to test their own limits and being there for each other when someone goes a little too far. NO ONE just knows how to read somene it takes makeing a Baseline and then pushing it back little by little until you find out where the breaking point is..... and then sometimes it's about moving that breaking point and learning how far you can really go.

Steel

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 9:59:27 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

but he's scared that now he has that power that he will use it in ways i dont want him to.


Have you voiced your limits to him? do they match his own? You both clearly need to discuss the expectations that you have for this relationship so that your both on the same page. He should not fear having the power as long as he knows how to wield it. Take your time if you need to, your time frame for doing things is all your own.

Good luck,
~Lashra


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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 10:02:12 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Should we just enjoy it and see where it goes??


Couple of comments... My responses are normally aimed at you, the poster. He isn't here to ask questions of, and I always believe you come here because of you.

You both think this is too quick. That is a very clear warning signal that you are both uncomfortable. You need to first of all establish for yourself why you are uncomfortable. You say it's never happened this quick before - did you fall head over heels in love? That does happen, even to the jaded Londoner, you know..

As to "enjoy it, see where the ship runs aground" - that's something you do if you do that already in your life, in general. I wouldn't make an exception in this case, if you don't normally do impulsive things (I do those all the time, I've moved continents at three days' notice) you won't have the tool kit to deal with the consequences. If you do like being impulsive, and you can back out of this deal if it doesn't work, why wouldn't you? Being impulsive gets you places, it means new people and new experiences, but you have to decide for yourself if the insecurity that comes with being impulsive is something you can handle.

But first and foremost, figure out why you are apprehensive. Don't concern yourself with him and his feelings, just look at yourself. Apprehension when you are about to do the big jumpy thing is normal, for me it is part of the fun, if it didn't scare me I wouldn't want to do it. You can't make an omelet and all that..

Cheers..



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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 10:42:28 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

Should we just enjoy it and see where it goes??


As to "enjoy it, see where the ship runs aground" - that's something you do if you do that already in your life, in general. I wouldn't make an exception in this case, if you don't normally do impulsive things (I do those all the time, I've moved continents at three days' notice) you won't have the tool kit to deal with the consequences. If you do like being impulsive, and you can back out of this deal if it doesn't work, why wouldn't you? Being impulsive gets you places, it means new people and new experiences, but you have to decide for yourself if the insecurity that comes with being impulsive is something you can handle.



If there was a competition I'd nominate this to be Paragraph of the Week. Chock full of good sense and advice.

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 11:11:07 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Until recently, I've never been in a relationship where anyone second-guessed pace in any substantial way.  If you trust your judgment, your boundaries, and your self-care andit feels right to move at a pace atypically quick (Whatever that is, such things are so highly relative), then have at it.  Sometimes, I think people toss monkey-wrenches for fear of success at least as much as related to fear of failure. 
Best wishes,
  Davan

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 11:50:05 AM   
sublace


Posts: 201
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Sometimes, I think people toss monkey-wrenches for fear of success at least as much as related to fear of failure. 


Nice if we can accept our good at face value. Enjoy life! 

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 11:57:30 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clearlyme12

but he's scared that now he has that power that he will use it in ways i dont want him to.


Oh my God, another "no-limit" sub thread.

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 12:05:09 PM   
clearlyme12


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/14/2009
Status: offline 		not another "no-limit" at all......we've talked over limits, he knows mine and i know his, and for most, we agree.......its just beyond that, he doesnt want to push my boundries too quickly.....and ruin what could be a lovely relationship

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 3:51:56 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

If there was a competition


Darn. Missed again.... ;) (thanxx.... taking a bow.)

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 3:58:25 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

he doesnt want to push my boundries too quickly.....and ruin what could be a lovely relationship


I am not seeing how the two hang together. If you're saying "too quickly" you must have some standard in mind I am not seeing. Perhaps I spent too many years in New York, but I can't have it quickly enough. Have you any idea as to why he is (and this is conjecture) scared of himself, and blaming it on you? Did you not say he is a novice, and you're the experienced partnet? How could he push your boundaries too quickly, if he's never pushed anybody's boundaries? How would he know? The more you repeat this, the more I wonder if he is backing out already..

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RE: Going too fast?!? - 3/25/2009 4:26:48 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sublace

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Sometimes, I think people toss monkey-wrenches for fear of success at least as much as related to fear of failure. 


Nice if we can accept our good at face value. Enjoy life! 


I'm not sure of your point.  If it's relevant to the thread, reply within, otherwise, feel free to mail me. 
OP, my point is not to sabotage out of dogmatic attachment to some preset ideas about how things 'should' progress. 
  Davan

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