A fresh pair of eyes...

A fresh pair of eyes... (Full Version)

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Kitty4Maitre -> A fresh pair of eyes... (3/25/2009 8:19:31 PM)
I don't post much, but the last time I came for help the thread was an amazing support. If I'm feeling shaky I dig it up and re-read it. I value all your opinions and insight and once again I turn to you for advice. I'll apologise advance for getting bogged down with the minutia! Background I am separated from my husband of 18 years and have sole custody of our two children. I am currently involved in my first D/s relationship. We have been seeing each other since September last year and have both stated we are only interested in a monogamous relationship. It has been very easy between us...the chemistry is as close to perfect as I have ever experienced. We talk, laugh, confide, share, cry and flirt with ease. He's a few years older than me and never been married. He is an ex-air force man and currently a commercial pilot. He flies international routes and is often away for 2 weeks at a time. I'm busy with work, study and my children and although I miss him, it affords me time to catch up on anything I’ve let slip after floating around in space with him grin. I am very happy with our relationship. I love him and I tell him often. We see each other during the day on Wednesdays and Sundays when he is home, and speak on IM two or three times EVERY day...whether he is working or not. If my children are sleeping at their dad's then he'll stay the night with me. I do not want anymore time from him. I do not want to live with him and have him parent my children. He doesn't love me. He tells me he was in love once, 30 plus years ago. I don't believe he'd allow himself to be in love. He has amazing self control (drool). He has told me he feels more for me than he has for any of the submissive women he has been with. That I am "special" and have a hold on his heart. Yet, there it is...I love him and it's not reciprocated. BUT (and you knew there was gonna be a but, right?)...I've never been to his home. When he is away there is a "tiny" doubt that creeps in. His explanation to me is that he is a Hong Kong resident for work (where he is based when he's working). He lives in a pilot residence in Australia when he's home. The rules are "no guests" at the residence. Even as I type this, it sounds so whingey and adolescent!!! But I find myself mulling over various scenarios. He lives with a wife, being the one I dwell on most. Occasionally when he's away working we'll talk and something won't gel. Like yesterday, he said he saw an "Aldi" ad on the Australian tv channel in HK for 8gb jump drives. It's well documented that Aldi don't advertise on TV. Except very occasionally in the USA. It is part of their low cost policy. Then I get all suspicious and start thinking he really in still at home (with wife) and browsing the junk mail catalogues (because yes, it was in mine this week too). The second scenario I mull over is that he lives alone, but always creates "distance" between himself and the women he is involved with. And I do understand how and why he might do that. So he spins this "no-guests" story and they need never know where he lives. Once it's over, they are a blocked number on his mobile and IM and that's it. Nice and easy. Eeek. This second lie I can live with. The first I can't. YES he and I have talked about it. Yes he has refuted it. I know this is not a BDSM related question as such but I'd love any and all opinions.

Juliannadelion -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/25/2009 8:30:17 PM)
Wow, that one is tough. Although personally I would have not thought married - but - serial killer. He won't let you come over because he has body parts in the freezer or the backyard or something awful like that. Honestly, a wife is almost as bad, if he is trying to keep her from you, or at least letting you know he has othe committments in his life. Loving someone and not being loved in return is pretty awful. Being special is nice, being loved in return is divine. I'm sorry that he does not reciprocate your feelings, truly I am. He seems to have alot of walls and rules and specific things that he needs to feel comfortable in your relationship. If you can ignore the little nagging voice in your head and it really doesn't impact you more than you just can't go to his place, then leave it be. But, if it's going to turn into 'bluebeards wife' syndrome, where you just can't let it go. You might want to cut your losses and try and find your happiness somewhere else. I wouldn't be able to leave it alone. I'm kind of a pain in the ass like that. And the whole serial killer thing would keep me awake at night. I do hope you find the path you seek and that there is love and happiness on your way. Good luck.

sixin -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/25/2009 8:47:14 PM)
welll.....did you try intellius....????

BohemianGoddess -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/25/2009 8:48:31 PM)
I feel he is married and has a secret life. How easy this relationship is for him, just think about it! My heart hurts for you very much because you love him and he can never reciprocate those feelings, those emotions. Personally, I would move on because you deserve so much more in life than he can and is giving you. Him having a wife or live in girl friend elsewhere would be on my mind 24-7 if I were in your shoes. Do you want to live like this, always wondering, I don't think so? Move on and find the happiness you so deserve because he can never give it to you. -Hugs

Juliannadelion -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/25/2009 8:50:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BohemianGoddess I feel he is married and has a secret life. How easy this relationship is for him, just think about it! My heart hurts for you very much because you love him and he can never reciprocate those feelings, those emotions. Personally, I would move on because you deserve so much more in life than he can and is giving you. Him having a wife or live in girl friend elsewhere would be on my mind 24-7 if I were in your shoes. Do you want to live like this, always wondering, I don't think so? Move on and find the happiness you so deserve because he can never give it to you. -Hugs Well said! [sm=agree.gif]

BohemianGoddess -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/25/2009 8:57:29 PM)
Thankyou. I just want to restrain this so called Dom to my suspension rack and flog the hell out of his back and ass then send him home on his a very long flight to Hong Kong! I feel better now having said that, lol.

lighthearted -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/25/2009 9:32:22 PM)
I would say, trust your instincts. if they are telling you something isn't right, then it probably isn't. if the "rules" of the residence say no guests, they are probably in written form. he should be able to produce a copy.

groovychick67 -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/25/2009 9:54:40 PM)
My heart hurts for you and the predicament that you may be in. It is possible that he is being truthful, and for your sake I hope he is but reality is you are a successful, independent woman who is also raising children alone which I share that commonality with you so I understand that the voice you are hearing in your head is pragmatic and probably right. That leaves you a choice to make. You can continue in this relationship if you can manage to ignore your suspicion and not entertain hope of a loving committment or future with this man. The flip side is end it and search for a more honest relationship that could progress into a permanent situation. As submissives we are concerned with meeting the needs of our Dom/Master, their wants and desires are paramount and our satisfaction comes from serving them. However our submission is a beautiful gift that we give to the one we choose worthy to receive it. If this man is deceitful then he is not worthy of that gift. Be strong and know that there are people who wish the best for you. [sm=hearts.gif]

DesFIP -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 5:42:39 AM)
I'm sorry, the no guests policy doesn't gibe. Yes if there are several of them, no overnight guests. But that doesn't mean you couldn't come in with him for a minute while he grabs his toothbrush or changes his shirt. I'd tell him that you need to have it proved that he isn't living with his wife. That should be enough. And if he breaks up with you anyway? Well you already know this relationship isn't going anywhere so it won't be the end of the world. But really, I think he's married. However if you have a hundred dollars, get a private detective to follow him after he leaves your house and see where he spends the night. But only after giving him the chance to come clean.

cantilena -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 6:00:21 AM)
Who does he fly for? CM me on the other side if you like.

agirl -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 6:33:07 AM)
You are very happy with the relationship. It's working on all sorts of levels and you love him. He doesn't use the word love but in many other words he's told you you're are special to him and have a hold on his heart. Do you NEED to hear * I love you? Those three words won't change how he behaves toward you. I've been with M for many years and he's never uttered those three words. If you discover that he IS married, or there isn't a no guests* rule you have to ask yourself what that would change for you. He's managed to create a relationship with you that makes you both very happy, you don't want to live with him, you don't want anymore of his time, you don't want him to raise your children. If you don't want live with doubt, the simple answer is to tell him you have them and why.The ball is in his court to either give you the reassurance you need or leave you with your doubts and concerns. It's going to be clear to him that just saying * I'm not married* isn't quelling your doubts and it's up to him to provide you with the necessary reassurance to remove them. If there's no real barrier to doing that, it shouldn't be terribly difficult to do. agirl

DavanKael -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 7:31:51 AM)
I agree with much of what's already been said. You specifically said that you don't want more time from him, etc. So, you could keep things the way they are. The part that's creating the issue is the potential he's lying. I'd be wondering if he's lying about that, what else is he lying about, etc. Sometimes people are, as you said, content on an on-going basis with having a part-time involvement that they don't anticipate going any further. I had nearly a year long relationship that I knew couldn't go beyond a certain point shortly after my separation. It's a choice. I don't see that inherenly as the problem, though I'd caution you against settling and suggest you be sure you're not doing that. Beyond that, I'd do as others have suggested and check out those concerns about lies. Best wishes, Davan

LaTigresse -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 7:37:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lighthearted I would say, trust your instincts. if they are telling you something isn't right, then it probably isn't. if the "rules" of the residence say no guests, they are probably in written form. he should be able to produce a copy. I agree with this. Here's the thing I see that bothers me. What would you feel and do, if it were a vanilla relationship and you felt you had the "right" to know all the facts and to question him, and investigate the whole thing? Just because a man is dominant, calls himself master, does not give him the automatic right to be secretive and sneaky! Period. Personally, I would flat out tell him that you feel concern. That you either want transparency or you will investigate until you are satisfied. Honestly, what's the worst that can happen? He gets pissed, because he has something to hide, or he understands and gives you open access. If him lying to you, and having a wife or whatever his big secret might be, is a deal breaker, then it is a win win situation. You find out he's a loser and don't have to waste time, money and effort to dig it out. If him lying to you, possibly being married, or whatever, will not change your relationship with him, then ignore the whole mess and continue on as you have been. As an afterthought.....I am going to guess that, regardless of what the outcome is, based upon what you've written, the relationship is already doomed. Regardless of the reason, he is not giving you what you need. I think it is very likely he never will.

chamberqueen -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 7:38:42 AM)
Google is your friend. I just looked up "Aldi commercials" and found that they have released two new ones. When I was first with my Master he suggested that I use Google to look up his name and check him out. He was up front and honest with me and didn't want me to have any concerns. You could do that with your Dom. In my relationship I went into it knowing that my Master was not looking for love and would probably never love me. He adored me (his term for it) and took excellent care of me. I didn't need to hear "I love you" because in many ways it was the best relationship of my life. Some men seem to have an internal switch and simply do not allow romantic love to be a part of their relationships. That doesn't mean, by any stretch of the imagination, that they don't care for their partner. It is their own self definition of the emotions. Have you ever tried to put a hard definition on love? It's basically impossible. As for the housing issue, to even look up information on that you would need to know the city to look it up. In some cases more than one pilot will use the same residence though never at the same time. If that is the case it could be that things came up missing when guests came and could be a type of anti-theft safety whether the pilot using one of the apartments has a part time roommate or not. If you can find out the name of the place or at least knew the city you could do some more research. It sounds like your relationship is giving you what you need. It is easy to come up with all kinds of scenarios when you don't know the facts. He, of course, is the best one to get your answers from. If he's never given you any reason not to trust him, other than mentioning a commercial that you haven't seen, should you stop trusting him now?

pinkwind -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 8:45:46 AM)
Just for accuracy, and making no comment on the rest of the OP, Aldi regularly advertise their grocery wares here in the UK, and by that i mean daily. So, it could be that he saw an ad from that company, unless you know for certain from Aldi's ad department that they don't make ads for electronics. If that is one of your red flags, i would lose it.

Lockit -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 10:57:05 AM)
Whether he is lying or has a wife or not... he is telling you that he is emotionally unavailable... cannot love because he did thirty years ago and can't since (opps big issues emotionally there in my opinion) and although he cannot love and all that, you are special and have a hold on his heart. I say this is his personal scam... give you enough to keep you around... but make sure you cover your ass with something you can toss in her face when she needs more from you... "I told you I could not love you" Yes... but... but you said I had a hold on your heart... that I was special.. Not special enough to love. Special enough to imply some heart strings stuff... but it isn't love and never will be, whether because of a wife or an emotional decission to isolate himself from the pain of love and loss. Either way... not someone you can hope to have much more with than what he offers. For now you are okay with that... will you be okay with that later when you have adjusted and healed more and maybe love him completly and might have time or the desire for more? Or will you be broken hearted? After a long term relationship and a break up... wearing many hats... I found myself with an emotionally all there guy... but really not. He filled a spot in life.. but he lied... was distant when it came to emotions but ever so sweetly kept those heart strings pulled in a very sexy way. Yes it ended up breaking my heart and embarassing a number of us he was pulling heart strings with... do I sound bitter or opinionated becasue of that? NO! I am thankful for the time we had during my adjustment period and the sexy no commitment fun... but eventually.. the um's get older... you heal... you have a bit more time and where is your buddy... on the next flight to some other chick whose heart strings he can pull without overcoming his need to isolate or having to commit anything but his night time play once in a while. Do what you are comfortable with but guard your heart... Will guarding your heart distance you or make you more suspecious... maybe... but until someone is for sure... open for making me special... I am guarding what I don't want broken. Consider it a time in your life at a certain place... but don't expect that place to last or live on unless you are prepared to live it just as it is right now. Good luck to you!

agirl -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 12:13:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit Whether he is lying or has a wife or not... he is telling you that he is emotionally unavailable... cannot love because he did thirty years ago and can't since (opps big issues emotionally there in my opinion) and although he cannot love and all that, you are special and have a hold on his heart. I say this is his personal scam... give you enough to keep you around... but make sure you cover your ass with something you can toss in her face when she needs more from you... "I told you I could not love you" Yes... but... but you said I had a hold on your heart... that I was special.. Not special enough to love. Special enough to imply some heart strings stuff... but it isn't love and never will be, whether because of a wife or an emotional decission to isolate himself from the pain of love and loss. Either way... not someone you can hope to have much more with than what he offers. For now you are okay with that... will you be okay with that later when you have adjusted and healed more and maybe love him completly and might have time or the desire for more? Or will you be broken hearted? This is the myth that pervades the whole idea of love. Just because someone declares they love you, doesn't make it so. Just because someone does NOT say they love you, doesn't mean you cannot feel loved by them. If you need someone to declare the actual words * I love you* to feel loved, you still won't be exempt from noticing when they don't appear to be behaving as if they do. Saying * you're special* is no guarantee that you can keep someone around anymore than * I love you* can. How they behave toward you and how YOU feel will do that. Someone NOT saying * I love you* doesn't mean you're about to be ripped off. There's a kind of security, a FALSE one, that people glean from hearing the words * I love you* . It doesn't matter what they say , but how they behave and how you interpret that behaviour. I have some young men that are blood-related that have felt under pressure to say it, when a girl they like a great deal announces their love. It's alright to love someone and it's alright NOT to feel any great need to say it back. It doesn't mean * emotionally unavailable , it can simply mean, I don't feel the same way you seem to. agirl

OmegaG -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 12:41:52 PM)
FR I guess I am wondering why, if everything is so good, why are you looking for reasons to implode the relationship? I guess I am just of the opinion that one should not try to fix what is not broken. If you continue to distrust and investigate and find that he is not lying then you will have ruined a perfectly good relationship. If you cannot take him at face value, I think you should work on your own trust issues before continuing any relationships.

Lockit -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 1:14:22 PM)
I do not feel love is a word... it is an action. I can hear I love you all day long and not believe it because words are easy to say or use. Show me love... now that is love! lol I love myself. I can see exactly who I am and although I love others and wish to be loved... the love I have for myself can be pretty amazing. I can feel love in ways that some might consider weird. In a voice.. hell a movie... because the love first stems from inside myself and how I view things. But... when someone says... I cannot love you. Take them on their word... kind of a safer place to start. If that is good enough for you... more power to you. The problem here and what I was responding to... is that some people can be wonderous... and yet toxic and if one is starting a thread becasue of questioning things... well... there is reason to love yourself, guard yourself and take a deeper look into all things. I had a specail man in my life who told me he loved me exactly one time. But you know... that man loved me in action and deed and there was no question that what he did came from love. Love doesn't mean forever... whatever you want... But love on a whole... is vital no matter where, how or length of time. * agirl... I have seen you post much of what you said in your post... and every time I love it! I enjoy seeing your view of things and how you think it all as it is very thought provoking and makes a lot of sense.

kiwisub12 -> RE: A fresh pair of eyes... (3/26/2009 4:06:15 PM)
If you are happy with the relationship as it is, leave it alone. Or ask him what is going on. Or use him for what he gives you - companionship, fun and a bit of joy, without demanding too much time from you at the expense of your um's. Just don't cut yourself off from something more permanent. If he says he isn't going to love again - believe him! Don't consider him the only egg in your basket, because this one is already broken. You might allow yourself to look over the rest of the field. You might find another egg you like that isn't broken. whatever is going on, he has already let you know that he is unavailable - emotionally, and sometimes physically. The reason would seem to be a bit irrelevant. If you can live with these restrictions, more power to you. [:)]

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