RE: A fresh pair of eyes...

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: A fresh pair of eyes...

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: A fresh pair of eyes...

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/26/2009 4:52:49 PM

wisdomofgiving

Posts: 55
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline

I am really not sure where the problem is for you, except for some fears that creep in at times. When someone cannot emotionally love you, then it is best to take it as that. Can you submit without that is what you need to ask yourself. The one I use to call Sir could not emotionally love me either, but i could submit without that. We are still friends, but with certain circumstances that came up, he needs a lot of time to sort through things. I told him i would support any decision he chooses, and meant it. At this time, though he is more attentive to me, i have pulled away some so not to crowd his personal space. These are things that i can because I know myself very well. Right now i am working on me and things that i have always wanted to achieve. If you are concerned there is someone else then tell him about your concern, and that for your peace of mind you need proof if he is or not married or in another significant relationship. Hopefully he can put that fear to rest and you two can move forward. If you can submit without romantic love, then move forward with him, if not then be true to yourself.

blessings
wisdomofgiving

_____________________________

Though my heart will always be connect to the ocean winds, my mind is now learning about the wisdom of giving.

once and always an oceanwynds and now wisdomofgiving

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 21

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/26/2009 7:58:43 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

What does he do when you "tell him often" that you love him?

Sit there in dead silence?

Tell you often that you're "special, and have a hold on his heart"?!

*Bbrrraaalph*

Ew.

I would never put up with a guy who wouldn't, or couldn't both speak and show his love. I need someone who is able to freely express love, both ways.

The two of you are using each other to get your needs met, which is fine as long as you agree in the beginning that this will be a relationship of mutual use, without much emotional depth.
After a painfully long, failed marriage you might really like something like this, to cleanse your palate, so to speak. This could be a good transitional relationship for you, with someone who is so obviously emotionally stunted and unavailable, as well as physically unavailable.

If it really bothers you that he is married, then you'll end it rather quickly.

I can't prove that he's married of course but, come on. He is either married or at the very least in a committed relationship with someone else, who he also hides his thoughts and emotions from.

He is ruled by his great fear of intimacy.

Are you, too?

He can touch you, he can use you sexually, but he cannot truly open up to you. He can't trust you enough to show you his true self. He keeps you at an emotional and physical distance away from him that feels safe to him. This may feel safe and comfy to you too, after the long, stifling marriage you are emerging from, with its hot accusations, and deep passion spent. After being so close to your husband for so long and getting hurt, you may think this yummy sex thing with mister impervious is just what you need. Something light, and fun.
Your mistake was falling in love with one who is so clearly unwilling or unable to reciprocate. Pull back some- stop saying you love him, even if you do. Those words are wasted on him, and he doesn't deserve them. Guard your heart.

Give no more thought and consideration to him than he shows you. Insist on a reciprocal relationship. One in which you get as much as you give.

Whether he is married or not, he stays physically and emotionally unavailable to you, as he most likely has done for most of his life, with women. Probably due to an extreme fear of intimacy. I would venture to say that he has an idealized, stereotypical view of women and on the whole, doesn't trust them because he fears what he cannot understand. And that he himself is largely a mystery to himself due to his amazing inability to figure out just exactly what is going on inside him and why he does what he does. He is probably one of the least self-aware people you've ever met. This will drive you nuts because as you begin to make your own observations about his psyche, he won't be interested in them because he doesn't want to know why he is the way he is. He doesn't want to change.

If you can keep it light and fun, even though he is married, go ahead and use each other.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Kitty4Maitre)

Post #: 22

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/26/2009 9:20:45 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG
FR
I guess I am wondering why, if everything is so good, why are you looking for reasons to implode the relationship? I guess I am just of the opinion that one should not try to fix what is not broken.

If you continue to distrust and investigate and find that he is not lying then you will have ruined a perfectly good relationship. If you cannot take him at face value, I think you should work on your own trust issues before continuing any relationships.

This I agree with... Unless the OP is being dishonest with herself. If you are in perfect relationship, and don't want anymore than he is giving, than what's the problem? I would never accept the boundaries you have, but than it would be a problem before I dated him for 3 months.
I would prefer to feel loved than told I'm loved any day, though I can understand being taken aback by someone who flat out says he cannot/will not... M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 23

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 2:34:45 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I'm astonished that you have managed to *read* this much into the OP's Master, based on her original post.

agirl

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 24

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 4:08:18 AM

dvart

Posts: 110
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

I think that "love" means different things to different people. Love comes (and goes) easily when you are 16 and is maybe more problematic when one is older and has been hurt in the past. So trust your feelings rather than just a word.

Secondly, you have set limits to the relationship and if someone really "loved" you, maybe he would be asking to move in with you. So perhaps you have chosen someone who is distant.

I think the problem isn't about "love" it is about trust and knowing where you are with this man.

Why not say this directly to him and see how he reacts ?

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 25

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 5:56:14 AM

Kitty4Maitre

Posts: 11
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline

Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to post (and especially those who have posted twice). It's been a learning curve reading all the replies and "feeling" my responsive trigger points. Somewhat naively, I realised I had posted looking for replies stating "i went/am going out with a pilot living under the same conditions and initially had the same doubts" blah blah blah. Oh, and I am a google devotee and had noted the UK and USA advertising policies, just a little different down under, and not sure we have an Intellius equivalent in Oz.

My children are my priority. But, when he is not away with work, he makes himself available whenever i can find the time. I do not see it as either one of us "using" the other. I work evenings and do not like to be away from home anymore than I have to. He has no hesitation about taking me to the airport where his plane is hangared and has introduced me to all the "regulars". We regularly dine out, catch a movie, meet for coffee. He brings me little tokens from his trips away...in flight pjs, lip balms for the kids, 1st class toiletaries bag for my cuffs and collar. He has installed sensor lights at my front and back doors when there was some "trouble" in my street and carried out lots of home maintenance without me ever asking. He remembers everything I have ever said, including all the boring details about my kids! We are as comfortable with each other's silence as we are with riotous laughter or sharing our life's tragedies.

If I say "I love you" he holds me tighter and whispers "ty my special K". I'd much rather he say that, than utter "i love you" everyday as my ex did. Everyday for the last 5 yrs while he chose to sleep on the couch, inlcluding the day he walked out on me and his children. Like you "agirl" i don't need to hear the words. I "feel" more loved by him than I did for a very long time by husband.We talked about love again tonight. He has again made it very clear to me that he hasn't deliberately chosen to not fall in love, more that he is unsure of what it is. As I believe Chamberqueen so correctly pointed out, it is a very difficult concept to define.

He will often prompt me if I am pensive and willingly draws my concerns out. There is never any "tone" if I question his marital status, living arrangements, working conditions etc. He is open to me asking anything of him. And I do, often.

The concern I have is that I have never been to his home. And it is because of this, I begin to wonder about a wife. If he is married, he has lied. A big fat hairy lie too. Instant deal breaker. I could not, would not ever be the other woman. Yup, we need to swing by his house a pick up a toothbrush (thx DesFIP) and I need to see it is the home of single male pilots. Failing that, I am liking the second suggestion too*wink*

The second scenario i painted in my original post was another possibility for a fictitious living arrangement, and not that I believe him to be overly restrictive, regimented or emotionally distant with me.

Again, thanks to all for taking the time, and yes Davan I will check my "settle-radar" from time-to-time.

xx

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 26

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 7:56:40 AM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

The fact that he is married or not would not be the problem with me. The fact he lied about it would. So far everything else has been truthful, or so it seems. When we start doubting one thing others creep in. I know first hand. I would come out and ask him. Point blank. Are you married? and this is why I believe that. Confront him. See what his reaction is.

Then make your decision. stay or go. But At least you'll have made it for you.

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 27

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 11:32:22 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kitty4Maitre

If I say "I love you" he holds me tighter and whispers "ty my special K". I'd much rather he say that, than utter "i love you" everyday as my ex did. Everyday for the last 5 yrs while he chose to sleep on the couch, inlcluding the day he walked out on me and his children. Like you "agirl" i don't need to hear the words. I "feel" more loved by him than I did for a very long time by husband.We talked about love again tonight. He has again made it very clear to me that he hasn't deliberately chosen to not fall in love, more that he is unsure of what it is. As I believe Chamberqueen so correctly pointed out, it is a very difficult concept to define.

I'm probably a little like him. I'm unsure what it is beyond a few blood-related people and M simply doesn't use the word at all.

I'm only CERTAIN that I love my womb-escapers, my darling grandies and my parents. I don't know if I *love* M......I adore him, I worship him, he's always on my mind, I hate the thought of life without him, I can't wait to hear his voice on the phone , I am as excited today as I was 10 yrs ago to hear him walk through the door .....but is that *love*?.

People around us say that it's evident that we *love* each other but I rather think it's more that it helps THEM to think we do. We have simply dispensed with it as a phrase or saying.

agirl

(in reply to Kitty4Maitre)

Post #: 28

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 11:54:13 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
I don't know if I *love* M......I adore him, I worship him, he's always on my mind, I hate the thought of life without him, I can't wait to hear his voice on the phone , I am as excited today as I was 10 yrs ago to hear him walk through the door .....but is that *love*?.
agirl

Yes, that is love where I come from... And I'm jealous, or something!

M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 29

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 12:09:33 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

The word "love' is meaningless without honest actions. your "ex" bore this out and your new fuck is proving it out rather well once again.

I imagine that your "new" guy has a pretty firm grip on the meaning of love...Most of us do. He just doesn't feel that you are worth the emotion or the explanation.

Most of the time we get what we deserve.

_____________________________

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)

Post #: 30

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 1:04:10 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Most of the time we get what we deserve.

sigh

This is true. People will get away with what you allow them to get away with. You get to decide this and sometimes you can't control the fallout, so be prepared, that's all I can tell you.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 31

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 1:29:02 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

The word "love' is meaningless without honest actions.

Most of the time we get what we deserve.

Those lovely wonderful actions, eh?. Stop being spiteful domi, because that's all it is.

We get what we get, deserved or not.......It's a very american idea that we *deserve* anything.

agirl

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 32

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 3:29:36 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

The word "love' is meaningless without honest actions.

Most of the time we get what we deserve.

Those lovely wonderful actions, eh?. Stop being spiteful domi, because that's all it is.

We get what we get, deserved or not.......It's a very american idea that we *deserve* anything.

agirl

That is right...I forgot that we are in control of nothing out here. We can't control our actions, emotions or our dicks or twats. we shouldn't expect to be treated in any specific manner. We shouldn't "hold out" for the right person. How dare we set values for ourselves or on our partners.

Just who do we think that we are demanding that we as well as those that we choose to surround ourselves with live up to a certain set of expectations? The fucking nerve.

If you never have any expectations I guess that is one sure fire way to never face disappointment.

_____________________________

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 33

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/27/2009 6:26:52 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

I'm usually one to believe that a person should go with their instincts, however, if you're really not sure whether something is fishy or not, I wouldn't say anything just yet. I would just research him without letting on.

You can find out tons just with a little bit of creative thinking and some good key words on Google, then there's zabasearch, the phone book, anywho.com, face book, LinkedIn, jesus christ, there is no end to the ways..... If you have a first name, an email, a profession and his town, you can probably find out all you need to know without leaving your computer desk or spending a dime. I would go digging on my own before saying a word to him.

(in reply to Kitty4Maitre)

Post #: 34

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/28/2009 6:31:57 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Around here the online white pages are more than informative.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 35

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/28/2009 7:05:50 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

If you never have any expectations I guess that is one sure fire way to never face disappointment.

If you fail to set parameters and expectations, I guess that makes it much easier to blame others for your missteps.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 36

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/28/2009 7:17:30 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

The word "love' is meaningless without honest actions.

Most of the time we get what we deserve.

Those lovely wonderful actions, eh?. Stop being spiteful domi, because that's all it is.

We get what we get, deserved or not.......It's a very american idea that we *deserve* anything.

agirl

That is right...I forgot that we are in control of nothing out here. We can't control our actions, emotions or our dicks or twats. we shouldn't expect to be treated in any specific manner. We shouldn't "hold out" for the right person. How dare we set values for ourselves or on our partners.

Just who do we think that we are demanding that we as well as those that we choose to surround ourselves with live up to a certain set of expectations? The fucking nerve.

If you never have any expectations I guess that is one sure fire way to never face disappointment.

I expect lots of things but not with any sense of *deserving* them.

I want things because I want them and I arrange my life so that I get them.......I don't see where *deserving* come into it.

agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 3/28/2009 7:18:46 AM >

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 37

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/28/2009 7:37:44 AM

shejourneys

Posts: 3
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

As other posters have said, different people define love differently. For me, love is the willingness and ability to get outside oneself and do for somebody else. Not always, not necessarily on command, but in such a way that there is a connection established that is rewarding on some level; sentient organisms tend to do that which rewards them in some way.
The question is, maybe, not whether or not you are loved, because it certainly seems as if he behaves in a loving way toward you, but whether this relationship has what you need. It seems as if you need to clear up some uncertainty and doubt that has entered in order to feel trusting and comfortably connected to him.
This man sounds way more defended and compartmentalized for me to ever extend myself to, just because for me there needs to be balance in that regard. But this is about what you need, n'est ce pas?

(in reply to Kitty4Maitre)

Post #: 38

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 3/28/2009 7:50:47 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Kitty, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. My Master was slow to invite me to his home, and I had those same niggling doubts. It turned out that the reason behind the slowness was a whole different set of circumstances than I was expecting. (I prefer not to go into it publicly, but it had absolutely nothing else to do with having a wife or any other woman.) If you trust him in all else, let that trust carry over into accepting that he prefers not to invited you to his home. It sounds like he gives you support, emotional warmth, and makes you feel special. Revel in those things.

I was married to a man who said he loved me every day yet would fly into rages, did not want to control his anger, and the breaking point came the day he graphically told me how he planned on killing me. I would much rather be with a Master who is honest that he does not believe he will ever fall in love with me but he adores me, and then shows that, than a man who can simply easily say "I love you". There are millions of emotional scammers out there who can easily say those words and never mean them. For me, the actions are definitely more important than the words and it sounds like you have the actions showing you just how much he cares. From the outside looking in your relationship looks truly blessed, and I hope it is a long and happy one.

_____________________________

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 39

RE: A fresh pair of eyes... - 6/30/2009 9:28:42 PM

Kitty4Maitre

Posts: 11
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline

POST MORTEM:

Mid-May I found out the full catastrophe - wife of 28 years, 3 children, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 20 acres and a swimming pool. Of course he "had" to lie to me, or else risk letting me slip through his fingers. But he "loves" me!! Ha!! So many bloody lies. My heart is still reeling. But 4 weeks on, I am continuing to submit. I am not proud. I am 3 weeks into a 24 week course of treatment to treat my Hepatitis C (a legacy from my failed marriage). The timing could not be worse.

Believe me when I say I was as thorough as I could be when I commenced my relationship with this man. His name is as common as John Smith, but I googled for hours. He was very difficult to find. It took a close friend in the police force to risk his job, to uncover the extent of his lies. He is a professional liar and I am not his first victim.

I know now I still have not had a Dominant/submissive relationship. At a time in my life when I would like nothing more than the calm and soothing voice of someone strong and committed to our relationship, I am once again alone - except for a weekly "play" date

Kitty

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: A fresh pair of eyes...

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.188