seeking a solution for a wary sub

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ballaratcouple -> seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/25/2009 10:22:31 PM)
My girl and i used to play dom sub Then we moved in together THe dom sub play has eased - partially i believ vbecause the close prximity stuff makes her fear she will lose her role and be totally submissive as a partner too She is a strong woman, a leader in her field and i think thats why sub appeals to her so she can let go but she still gets nervy with letting go and trusting even tho all her actions thoughts and words are sub when we are in bed she even has fantasies of watching me with other woman and sharing them - she is bi any thoughts to help me understand her and more so help me to get her to her sub space whithout the stress or fears? thanks b.c

SteelofUtah -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/25/2009 10:28:00 PM)
This may sound Trite but it is not this is seriously my advice and if done correctly will solve all your problems. TALK TO HER!!! Present to her exactly what you presented here and ask her what would help to make her feel more secure and still maintain being who she is. Don't look outside the relationship all the answers ALL OF THEM are right there between yoiu just waiting to be discussed. Steel

Focus50 -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/26/2009 4:12:53 AM)
Lotsa submissives hold down managerial type positions in their daily lives.... But for that same submissive to be relaxed and comfortable within their subordinate relationship "role", it really helps if the Dominant partner does what's supposed to come naturally to them - to lead and take charge etc! So I think what's required is a little less emphasis on her "letting go" and a lot more of you taking the reins and showing her who's boss at home - then see if the "stress or fears" and sub-space problems are still around.... Seems she's past "playing" sub, assuming she ever was just playing.... No sub, but especially not one who's a "leader in her field", is just gonna slip happily into sub mode without the assured knowledge her partner really is calling the shots beyond "play dom".... Subs will happily follow only when someone else is leading with assurance and confidence - and there's your cue.... Focus.

ExKat -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/26/2009 5:10:38 AM)
I suggest the pair of you purchase at least one of the BDSM 101 books. These are specifically written for beginners who have played at BDSM but want to do a bit more of it. Talk to her, share your fears and feelings, and gauge hers. Despite being submissive, I'm not kowtowing to every man with a piece of leather in his hand...no matter how intense the relationship with my dominant, I still know who I am, and behave appropriately.

sfdrew -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/26/2009 5:10:58 AM)
Maybe the best thing to do is to stop trying to lead her. I know when I first moved in with Mistress I wasn't feeling all that submissive because of the new surroundings. I was having a hard enough time feeling comfortable. After a while though I started to get my subby feelings back again. It may just be a matter of waiting for her to come back around after adjusting to new living conditions. oh yeah, and don't forget that talking to her thing... lol ;)

DesFIP -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/26/2009 5:28:26 AM)
You don't have to suddenly go 24/7. If you used to do this only on Saturday nights, there is no reason you still can't. Beyond that, it comes down to her trusting you. If you're pushing to take over control in nonsexual things, then first you need to prove to her that your word is gold and so is your decision making. Because the more you fuck up, the less safe it is for her to let you control anything. So, do you call if you're running late or do you just go out for drinks with the guys without calling? If the car breaks down and you bitch about having to come get her, then don't expect her to think you're someone safe to call in an emergency. And that includes an accident while she's bound or you're hitting on her with an implement. If she doesn't have reason to think you are totally trustworthy, then she shouldn't submit as she's the one who will be injured if you don't know what you're doing. See, when you weren't living together it wasn't such a big deal. You could be a slob all week and Friday night before she came over throw out the trash and stuff the dirty clothes in the closet. If now she's more like your mother, cleaning up after you, then expect that to change the way she thinks about you for the worse. Lead by example.

DavanKael -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/26/2009 7:42:59 AM)
Being one who generally prefers to be submissive in my partnered relationships with males, I am also someone who holds much responsibility in my life and who is often dubbed dominant. I'm a well rounded girl, what can I say. :> Anyway, when one has to hold so much control and be so controlled in other facets of their life, it's sometimes not simple to flip a switch and fall into submissive headspace right away. Some deliberate transitional time may be something she needs. Or, if she has some sort of trigger that cues her to immediately go into a more submissive headspace, that'd be something I'd focus on (Example: A fistful of my hair grabbed close to the scalp, middle back of my head will instantly shift my mindset and stop me in my tracks...a friend playfully did that a few weeks ago and I literally lost my train of thought!). Oh, and as Steel said: you guys need to talk. :> Davan

chicagoswitch -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/27/2009 8:57:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 No sub, but especially not one who's a "leader in her field", is just gonna slip happily into sub mode without the assured knowledge her partner really is calling the shots beyond "play dom".... Subs will happily follow only when someone else is leading with assurance and confidence - and there's your cue.... Focus. Very well said, Focus. I lead a large team of professionals and am well respected in my field. In all respects (except one very important one) I am dominant. I will only submit to a very strong, confident, intelligent man who I trust is stronger than I am. Unfortunately, they are few and far between....but I hear there are 1 or 2 in Australia!

ballaratcouple -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/29/2009 4:20:59 PM)
hi actually i have done this and am not seeking answers outside the relationship we are tight i simply want her to relax and we do talk but as i shave said or implied the answers arent forthcoming henec me being here i talk she like a lot of women dosent really answer

OsideGirl -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/29/2009 4:27:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 No sub, but especially not one who's a "leader in her field", is just gonna slip happily into sub mode without the assured knowledge her partner really is calling the shots beyond "play dom".... Subs will happily follow only when someone else is leading with assurance and confidence - and there's your cue.... This is close, but just a little off the target for me. I'm an alpha personality and I tend to take charge. For me to submit and hand over the reins I have feel secure about the decisions he makes. Otherwise I'm questioning the the decisions and I want to take over. If someone is standing in front of me "showing me who is boss" it's likely to end up with me walking away. However, someone who is calm, confident and logical will make me comfortable where I nominate him to be the boss.

ballaratcouple -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/29/2009 4:27:59 PM)
interesting see i am not a slob i tidy and do i call and am considerate i do communicate etc she simply dosent seem to want to let go and enjoy she also gets antsy we have some nights where we can get into talking about say a scenario and start planning what she wants then she lets its go if i push her to complete a task she seems to think then its going too long yet if i dont push we dont get there - eg a schoolgirl scenario we wrote is half done and in mid task she gets excited and horny then when we say to complete it the netx day she puts things off loeses the excitment see the trick is living with your sub if you continue to oush they think its now 24/7 and some women who like to be sub - sometimes - dont want it to be all of the time they also want romance and an ordinary relatronship so the trick is how do you negotiate her to play times and into her sub role when she sort of avoids it and yet when you do get her there she loves it and cant get enough?

MsDDom -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/29/2009 10:03:10 PM)
quote: TALK TO HER!!! right-right... ballar it seems u have began the process of knowing her as u r tell us via ur post who she is and what she is about. stay on that path...u will make progress (sooner if not later).

ExKat -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/30/2009 5:03:33 AM)
Here's an idea...don't make her plan things out! Although I can occasionally plan out fantasies or scenarios, a lot of the time, I want my boyfriend to just TAKE CONTROL. That's kind of what things are about for me. Since you're newish, perhaps you're worried that you'll cross a line with her. So, instead, sit her down, talk very seriously about her limits, and then you make up your own scenarios. I don't think I'd feel comfortable planning out every single detail of a scene. I want to to be a surprise, and if I plan it down to the minutiae, to me that reeks of being in charge and I'm not a big fan of that. You say she's not a big talker, so why make her talk it out before you play? If you still want to pursue the talking route, you show some self-restraint and don't give her what she wants until you've gotten what you want, that's what being the dom is about. Tie her to the bed if you have to.

ballaratcouple -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/30/2009 5:51:07 PM)
love the ideas so far guys thanks its not easy being a dom in an age with feminism nagging at a womans - and mans - head - wanting to be fair and a good artner and yet wanting to make her feel good in the worst possible ways..... and nice of course so thanks

DesFIP -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/30/2009 6:39:25 PM)
I would stop pushing for a third when your relationship is this rocky, for starters. For play things, get a BDSM checklist and slowly fill it out, both of you. Then start experimenting with the things you both go WOW over. You enjoy making her write long fantasies, but it's a turn off for her. Find something else that she also enjoys. Because the more you harp on things she doesn't like, the less interested she will be. Plus for a lot of us, the worry is that if we tell our partner what our fantasy is, he'll insist on doing it. And that's a bad thing. We call them fantasies not plans for a reason, we don't want to do them, just to think about it.

kiwisub12 -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/30/2009 6:49:49 PM)
Maybe your problem is different expectations. From what you are saying, you are a dominant. And you have intimated that she is a bottom. She maynot want to be a sub or a slave. Have you actually talked about your expectations? Before she moved in , did you talk about and agree to be 24/7 in a master/submissive relationship, or did you just assume that that was what was going to happen? She may have a completely different take on the situation. She may just like a bit of slap and tickle and domination in the sack and want a vanilla relationship out. .....or maybe i got it completely wrong.

marysdream -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/30/2009 9:21:55 PM)
i absolutely agree with Focus ree!

Lashra -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/31/2009 3:55:15 AM)
quote: ts not easy being a dom in an age with feminism nagging at a womans - and mans - head Feminism has nothing to do with the problems you are experiencing. Feminism is about women having choices in our lives, as we should. Your problem (from what I gather from your posts) is that your doing what she wants rather than what YOU want. If your going to be the Dom then pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take control. If you do not the chances are she is going to feel that you cannot lead and she just may wander away from you to someone else who can. As its been suggested in other posts you may need to read some well written books on BDSM and topping. They can be extremely helpful. Good luck, ~Lashra

ballaratcouple -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/31/2009 4:19:26 PM)
hi where can i get a bdsm checklist the idea sounds fun and i take onboard your comments

ballaratcouple -> RE: seeking a solution for a wary sub (3/31/2009 4:35:10 PM)
i have been heartened by the rsponses so far being a dom is not an easy thing - not asking for bleeding hearts here - simple fact and especially if the woman you live with is wanting to be sub to you and you both love each other and she is a high executive with stresses and strains - like yourself - the letting go and being.then coming back to "real life" can make the process hard. again there is also the fear she holds that if she lets go and enjoys being sub that she wont get back what she had respect etc. i know this is trust but no matter how much you say these things its hard to convince someone their hearts desires can be achieved and no loss to the rest i am very tempted to take Lashra's advice and simply take charge and such but again this may also cause her to withdraw - as she is used to calling her shots at work during the day and i fear this would simply cause her to withdraw and be uncooperative - its so easy with dom subs who dont live togehter and have to live with the fall out of things that can go wrong......stoppping starting and walking away is much easier... so any advice again is being taken on board and considered.... i have read that a good dom dosent assume but is always growing and learning and that is what i am doing with your help........we both thank you

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