Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You

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cpK69 -> Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 4:06:58 PM)
Quite a while back, during a conversation with Sir, he asked me if I trust him. I had said that I do, which was truth, just not exactly how he meant. He was asking if I believed him, when he told me he was capable of being available, as often as I needed. I felt I needed physical contact at least once a week. I trusted he would be available every two or more weeks. That “trust” had been based on previous experience. Long story short… Since that conversation, I have been wondering, how much of trust has to do with what one believes about another; how much has to do with what one believes about their self? How does it work for you? Kim

alianora -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 4:13:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cpK69 Quite a while back, during a conversation with Sir, he asked me if I trust him. I had said that I do, which was truth, just not exactly how he meant. He was asking if I believed him, when he told me he was capable of being available, as often as I needed. I felt I needed physical contact at least once a week. I trusted he would be available every two or more weeks. That “trust” had been based on previous experience. Long story short… Since that conversation, I have been wondering, how much of trust has to do with what one believes about another; how much has to do with what one believes about their self? How does it work for you? Kim I would have to say both. To trust another person, I have to have some kind of past experience with them to base that trust on. To trust myself, the same applies.

MsDDom -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 4:25:35 PM)
trust is that unique "thing" that is deeply seeded in us...if violated it can be hard to repair, if it doesnt exist it is hard to truly have a "real" relationship (with any person). it is a must to trust ourselves for it helps us to believe and trust in others. b/c i trust myself i can only show myself trustworthy...equally, i trust others cautiously as they too must prove/show themselves trustworthy.

stella41b -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 4:28:38 PM)
Good intentions will always get my interest, I will listen to you intently and hear what you say, I will read what you write, I will engage in a discussion, but it's always going to be the actions and what you do which shapes any sort of friendship or relationship with me. Trust alone is a bit of a challenge, for to me it also takes in confidence, acceptance, personal integrity and communication. This is also not to mention facial expressions, body language, tone and inflection of your voice, emotional cues and signals, gestures how much purchase you can get on my time and attention and how much mileage you develop as a result. Every contact I have with another person, every friendship, every relationship is an investment, a journey, motion from light into the dark hoping the light will follow me and dispel the shadows, trial and error, exploration, discovery, dialogue, interaction and communication. I go through phases of curiosity, detached interest, open minded stares, faith, belief and finally knowledge. Some people get more chances than others. Proven is better than blind faith and belief. Some people don't listen or understand the first time around. Some people just need time.

DavanKael -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 4:51:39 PM)
Trust is, for me, about safety, consistency, actions matchingwords, commitments kept. It can be built, it can be broken. Davan

heartcream -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 5:05:51 PM)
Trust is essential. I need to be trusted and I need to trust. It takes time to develop but can be torn down oh so quickly.

califsue -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 5:26:11 PM)
Trust takes time to develop between people whether a relationship, friendship, whatever side of the slash you identify with. It is the combination of word and actions.

InTonguesslave -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 5:35:13 PM)
interesting question - if a person finds trust difficult then it follows that they will find it hard to believe that trust can be given to them. i think often this, along with other relationship skills is like a mirror, what we reflect out needs to be reflected back at us, so often it isnt because not everyone is capable of direct emotions, trust and committment. i also think that sometimes no matter how much you pour into someone, if they are not capable of believing or absorbing what you give, because their own handicapps get in the way, then it will never be completely satisfying and what you give will never be completely reciprocated. not sure if any of that makes sense.

openmindedslave -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 5:49:57 PM)
Trust is an interesting word. I rarely hear someone speak about it .It seems most people can 't get involved enought with someone to even call that into a discription of why they like them. From what I see , we start off not having any trust at all in most cases. From the start, most meet in a vanilla ,safe enviroment. Taking seperate cars and not parking to close to where they meet for fear of being stalked if a first meeting does not work out. Trust , is something we just don't cherrish as much as until we get hurt by not having it or were queationed by someone. I know I trust very few people but they are called my friends and certain family members. They give me inner strength and people who will look after me as I will look out for them.. I never go out seeking to establish trust with anyone.It usually occurs through events and quiet personal moments that are not planned. I can only hope we all are open enought with ourselves to the chance of being hurt for the lifetime reward of establishing trust with people in life.

cpK69 -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 6:18:53 PM)
Thank you to those who have responded thus far. It is a very interesting topic for me, one that has my mind flipping. I guess I’m really confused as to when my disposition changes from trusting me, to, trusting ‘them’, or am I becoming accustomed to changing where my focus trust. Continued from the example given in the OP… Eventually, I made the decision to continue a Dom/sub relationship with Sir, based on trusting myself not to fall apart in his absence, or that if there were to come a time when the relationship became harmful to me, due to his absence, I would be capable of handling that, as well. Something about my perspective seems amiss to me. It screams, “I’m not giving enough credit where it is due.” Kim

Vanityfull -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 6:58:11 PM)
see signaturee.. i have been through hard times, had trust broken(as we all have), gained some bad memories and self doubts, i share these with those i trust to weaken my issues hold over me, trust is a very hard thing for me, i see it as the more i can trust the more myself i can become by getting rid of the baggage that stops me from doing so, i have been down the road of being overly independent with a me vs the world attitude and its a far worse thing that getting heartbroken every now and again, putting trust in people is hard work but somthing i never want to give up on again.

outlier -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 7:03:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cpK69 I have been wondering, how much of trust has to do with what one believes about another; how much has to do with what one believes about their self? How does it work for you? Kim There you go again, asking a deep, almost profound question, right off the bat. I just love the way you instinctively go to a more fundamental level of analysis. You have a real gift for it. In answer to this question I would ask you to consider your phrase "belief about" and ask you if you are trusting the person or the "belief". Or is that just another way to phrase your initial question? Outlier

greeneyedreamer -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 7:42:54 PM)
quote: Trust is, for me, about safety, consistency, actions matchingwords, commitments kept. It can be built, it can be broken. Davan _____________________________ Have to agree with Davan! It's all about consistency, actions that match words and commitments kept! And an honest dose of care about me thrown in.

MarcEsadrian -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/28/2009 11:16:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cpK69 I have been wondering, how much does trust has to do with what one believes about another; how much has to do with what one believes about their self? Trust is vital to the foundation of a relationship—of how you perceive and are in turn perceived. When that trust is eroded—from within or without—all things can come into question. Character is always easier retained than recovered. It's difficult to shoo away that doubt in your mind, whether it is about yourself or another, once the seeds have been planted. The game of lying is ultimately won by not playing.

cpK69 -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/29/2009 7:34:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: outlier I just love the way you instinctively go to a more fundamental level of analysis. You have a real gift for it. These are the thoughts that haunt my mind. [;)] quote: In answer to this question I would ask you to consider your phrase "belief about" and ask you if you are trusting the person or the "belief". Am I right in thinking this question implies we are more then our beliefs? Is it coincidence the word is spelled 'be lie + f? Remembering when you asked me, "How much can we really know?" I feel as though I am looking for the answer to a question, I won't know, until after the answer is found. Do you know how difficult that makes things? grins Kim

MadameMarque -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/29/2009 8:36:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: alianora To trust another person, I have to have some kind of past experience with them to base that trust on. To trust myself, the same applies. Succinctly said. Also, there is this to consider: When you say you trust someone, you imply that you trust them to...to what? For example, I can think of a friend who, I know from my experience of her, would never, ever steal, and if she makes a practical commitment, she will take it seriously. If you need to lean on her emotionally - sometimes she is there and sometimes, well, I'm not actually sure what happens. So, does that mean I trust her or I don't? If you say you trust someone, do you mean, trust them to have the same standards as you, for when a task is done right? Do you mean, trust them to do things the way you would? Or do you mean, trust them to do their best? Trust their intentions are good? Do you mean, trust them to use the same priorities and values you do, in their actions? Do you mean trust their diligence in their expertise? Simply trust them to tell the truth? Or trust them to tell you everything? To me, if I were to make a blanket statement that I trusted someone, it would probably mean that I knew they would always act with sincere interest in my interests.

catize -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/29/2009 8:49:26 AM)
“You can trust me” has little meaning until I have been able to observe whether the person’s actions match their words or not. Simply acting in a trustworthy manner outweighs any verbal declarations. I don’t believe until I see.

DesFIP -> RE: Trusting ‘Them’, Trusting You (3/29/2009 1:07:09 PM)
Trust requires knowing him long enough to be able to make a pretty accurate guess about how he will react, and to be sure that when he gives his word, he will keep it. This requires a shared history together so that you can accurately say he will keep his word in the future because he always has in the past, even when things got tough. It also means you have to have weathered some storms together to see how he reacts under stress. It just takes time.

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