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being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 11:17:13 AM

sub4spanks

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/8/2009
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im new to the boards tho i browse them often and thought someone might be able to help me with my problem. ive not really been into the BDSM scene very long but the experince i have had has been amazing and ive loved every second, however Ive recently met a wonderful man who's pretty much everything i could wish for...except he isnt a dominant man or even a switch. i am happy for now with vanilla sex but cant help wonder how long it will be before i miss the Master/sub relationship. He knows i am kinky, tho not to the extent i am and hes told me he will do what it takes to make me happy. But i dont want someone not to enjoy being in control of me - and theres the safey aspect ect to it also. Has anyone tried or gone back to vanilla relationships after kinky ones? Shall i try and 'ease' him into the scene? thanx in advance

Post #: 1

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 12:04:31 PM

cantilena

Posts: 224
Joined: 8/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4spanks

im new to the boards tho i browse them often and thought someone might be able to help me with my problem. ive not really been into the BDSM scene very long but the experince i have had has been amazing and ive loved every second, however Ive recently met a wonderful man who's pretty much everything i could wish for...except he isnt a dominant man or even a switch. i am happy for now with vanilla sex but cant help wonder how long it will be before i miss the Master/sub relationship. He knows i am kinky, tho not to the extent i am and hes told me he will do what it takes to make me happy. But i dont want someone not to enjoy being in control of me - and theres the safey aspect ect to it also. Has anyone tried or gone back to vanilla relationships after kinky ones? Shall i try and 'ease' him into the scene? thanx in advance

I can't speak to whether you should ease him into the scene or not, as you put it. I think only you and he can privately work that out between yourselves. Likewise, whether or not you could enjoy going back to a vanilla style relationship is something only you can answer as well. There have been a few threads about it, though, and you might find some insight reading them.

I'll just address the part I put into boldface from your OP. There seems to be a large percentage of people who believe that if a dominant partner is motivated to do X, Y or Z solely to please a submissive partner, that it's a really bad thing. I've never been able to work through in my mind why that's the case. I'm not saying that it's good - or even necessarily healthy - if he or she is doing it and they *hate* it. But sometimes, a partner may do something to please another and make him or her happy, and enjoy it too. Why should the simple motivation of pleasing a loved one be distasteful in the least? Why isn't it actually a beautiful thing?

I understand that a submissive wants the dominant to be getting as much pleasure for himself or herself as possible. Sometimes, though, isn't it a fact that dominants get pleasure by giving it?

(in reply to sub4spanks)

Post #: 2

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 12:10:09 PM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

quote:

Has anyone tried or gone back to vanilla relationships after kinky ones?

yes and i always find myself "converting" (or trying to) the male i am with. it is not a secret that i am a Dominant Woman, and that i will always share, but going back to vanilla always creates that longing to be back in the lifestyle. this is the reason i had to make the decision not to do vanilla anymore...

_____________________________

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(in reply to sub4spanks)

Post #: 3

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 12:18:07 PM

LovingDom86

Posts: 27
Joined: 2/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4spanks
He knows i am kinky, tho not to the extent i am

I would go no further than this. Do you expect him to be psychic? Because I can tell you from being a male, most of us are not:) Hell, most of us never have a CLUE as to what you're thinking!

So my advice; First thing = spill it out. All of it. Depending on how much you trust eachother, of course, but if you have briefly mentioned in passing that you have thought about being spanked, and that's ALL he knows of your BDSM side, you are setting yourself up for miserable failure if you crave and need anything more, which it would seem you do. Submissive does not mean passive nor weak; be 100% black and white (as much as you can) with your deepest and darkest desires! He needs to know! Only then can you truly evaluate the relationship and your own future happiness/satisfaction.

(in reply to sub4spanks)

Post #: 4

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 2:04:17 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Anyone who gets into any form of relationship with me is informed what I am and what I do be it my religious beliefs or my kink lifestyle. better to get that out of the way early than have those things become an issue later after I've invested time and energy into someone who is about to walk. (Yep they all meet my wife at the first meet too. My relationshuips with people are usually social, based in the occult or kink). I do not do conversions, not being an evangelistic or particularly charasmatic sort of bloke nor would I do so I was either or both of those things. I tell folks what I am into, answer questions and if there is an interest will happily take things further step by step. If some one can't accept me for what I am and what I do or believe in even if we agree to disagree or some one want's to "save" me they can go and fornicate with a wooly bull and go elsewhere for there is no place in my company for them.. I love having associates and associating with people who whilst disagreeing with my beliefs and lifestyle and honestly believe I am heading to hell in a hand-cart, and yet want my company and will gladly entrust their grand Mother, Mother, Sister, Wife, or Daughter into my care knowing they will be safe and unsullied when they are returned.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 3/29/2009 2:06:38 PM >

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(in reply to LovingDom86)

Post #: 5

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 5:13:58 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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There is a book you might want to check into.....When Someone You Love is Kinky. It might be a good idea for him to read it and decide for himself if it's something he might wish to try. Another one book is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns.

(in reply to sub4spanks)

Post #: 6

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 5:31:57 PM

asianchloe

Posts: 104
Joined: 2/25/2009
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I think it's a positive sign that he is willing to be open and try to incorporate kinkier aspects into the sex life. I would take him up on his offer and though I wouldn't try to "ease him into it", I would suggest some tamer activities to gauge his reaction and interest. Who knows? He may very well like it!

If he doesn't, and you're not willing to accept vanilla sex, you need to tell him just that. You may have to walk away if it isn't fulfilling. If you stay, you'll end up resenting him and his choices. Alternately, I do know some Domme women who have had vanilla relationships with "perfect men" and were able to play with others to satisfy that kink, with their partner's knowledge, of course.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4spanks
i am happy for now with vanilla sex but cant help wonder how long it will be before i miss the Master/sub relationship. He knows i am kinky, tho not to the extent i am and hes told me he will do what it takes to make me happy.

(in reply to sub4spanks)

Post #: 7

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 6:07:09 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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Guess I am the only one who thinks that trying to 'change' him into what you want is a bad idea.

You either want to be with him, or you don't; but trying to change him is a disaster waiting to happen.

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(in reply to sub4spanks)

Post #: 8

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 6:26:15 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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Joined: 6/29/2008
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I think that it is vital that you respect one another's preferences in a relationship. One does not need to share a lover's preferences, but trying to change them into what one "wants" smacks of being in the wrong relationship -- if you don't want to be with a person and love that person -as they are-, then they probably aren't the person you should be dedicating your life to.

As for myself, I've lived in both non-kinky and kinky relationships, and combinations of the same (because I'm poly, I've had the chance to live simultaneously in kinky and non-kinky relationships as well as individual experiences with both). The one thing that was true -regardless- was that I genuinely cared for the person that I was with while we were together, for exactly who and what they were. Some of the relationships lasted a decade or more, and some not so long, but in no case did the relationship end because we'd expected the other person to be something that they did not wish to be and were disappointed.

If you truly believe that you can't survive without the kink, then the time to let the person know is -now-, before you've tied your lives together and someone ends up getting hurt.

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 9

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/29/2009 8:13:31 PM

LovingMistress45

Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline

I don't think you should try to change him per se, but I do think you should be honest with him. I am not sure if you are oriented toward service or more of a sexual submissive. If you do desire service, then just do things for him. On the sexual aspect ask him if he is willing to try ____. I wouldn't overwhelm him by listing everything at once, just maybe one or two to start and if he is open to trying it, see how he feels afterwards.

Long ago, I was only involved in Spanking Fetish. Then I met a man that I loved deeply and while he loved spanking he had other submissive needs/desires. So, while it is not exactly the same as I was not "Vanilla" I did have strong reservations about M/s relationships. Being with him and exploring with him changed me in many ways. Not because he tried to change me, but because I loved him and wanted him to be happy. However, what I started out doing for him I soon found out I LOVED doing.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 10

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/30/2009 3:06:35 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

There are times I actually miss Lucky Albatross swooping in on the boards with a list of links of related threads. This happens to be one of them.

OP, I can't tell you how many threads have come across the boards that I've read in the last couple of years about people hoping to convert a vanilla spouse. They come from people who weren't on the level when the relationship started out, or they found kink later in life and wanted their vanilla spouse to share their interests. Yes, some of them have been successful, but quite a few of them weren't. Then, they are faced with choosing kink or their relationship, or being less than up front and getting their kink on the side without their other half knowing. All of this always tends to make Me a little sad, because often, they aren't very happy people.

Now, you do have a leg up in this in the fact that he's willing to do things for you. Still, I have to agree with Irish Mist. If someone isn't wired for kink, them doing it for your sake may not make them very happy for very long. So, if it turns out that your not happy because of not getting kink or he's not happy because it's not vanilla, you might want to think of how that's going to be handled later down the road. Yes, some people will allow outside partners for that purpose, but be aware that many won't.

Peppermint was right on the money in suggesting the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky." I've recommended that book Myself on every thread where this topic has ever come up in it's various forms. My added suggestion is that you read the book first before asking him to read it. That way, you both have the same information and terminology to discuss the matter. It also helps you to identify the parts of the book that appeal to you and those you don't. This way, you get to meet on common ground.

By the way, technically, I converted a vanilla spouse. I was kinky before I married him, but our relationship was vanilla, and continues to remain so. Turns out, he ended up being a Top, and since I'm a Domme, we ended up becoming poly. We did make it work for us, but I know there are people out there who haven't had My good fortune.

So, take it from someone who's had to have The Talk in My house. It's a lot easier to be open in the beginning, then having to sort it all out later.

OP, I sincerely want to wish you the best of luck in finding what's right for you.

ETA. I really think I should add here that I happen to have a married sub in My collar. It would make his world if his wife were wired to be a Dominant. She's not.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 3/30/2009 3:09:40 AM >

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(in reply to LovingMistress45)

Post #: 11

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/30/2009 6:10:00 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

ok, this slave is NO LuckyAlbatross, but here's a handfull of previous threads that might help...

how do you convert a vanilla?

asking your vanilla partner to play?

Sub girls with vanilla guys

Help turning a vanilla boyfriend

How have you dealt with a vanilla you like?

Can vanilla work?

Introducing your vanilla partner...

Vanilla partners

(in reply to sub4spanks)

Post #: 12

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/30/2009 9:48:31 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

I suppose I take a different perspective on these things.
Briefly, some background: was in a 17 year relationship with my husband until about a year and a half ago. It has always been my belief that when people love one another, they are willing to grow and experience with one another. Yes, I have been told many, many times that I am wildly naiive. I'm okay with that. My husband introduced the idea of poly- early in our relationship and I didn't have a problem with it because I was absolutely secure in our relationship, my husband wanted it, and I found things about it that I could make my own (In that order). I realized an interest in D/s relationships and kinky behavior early in our relationship. I was extremely hurt and confused when he refused to indulge my desires. It didn't compute. It never did.
While I would never go into a relationship with the idea of converting someone or coercing someone, I would go in with the idea that I and hopefully they should be open to each others' interests as a function of caring about one another and wishing to know each other with greater depth.
Davan
(Who, again, will say that she knows her natural inclinations on this point are naiive by the standards of most)

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(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 13

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/30/2009 11:18:33 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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Don't get me wrong. I firmly believe that yes, people can change within a relationship. They can grow, and they can experience new and different things.

I don't however, believe, that it is healthy for a relationship when one partner says 'ok, this is the way I am, if you don't change so that I can keep on being the way I am, then we have no relationship". That forces the partner to attempt to change if they want to hang on to the relationship...eventually, it will lead to resentment at being forced to do something that they originally did not want to do long term. The old 'all I do is give, give, give...when is it my turn' kind of resentment.

That...is a road to disaster.

If her partner wants to take an interest, more power to him. But it should be because HE wants to, not because he is trying to make her happy so that she will stay.

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Post #: 14

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/30/2009 11:40:30 PM

cagliostro

Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

Ok, so you have a successful relationship, right? You seem to have open communication, which is excellent. Talk is extremely important. You enjoy the bdsm interactions so it is worth investigating. He wants to make you happy as well, which is again an excellent sign. A lot of the time, men feel restrained by their perception of what is right and wrong. Society says that a man shouldn't be controlling and forceful with women because she's a free person, yada, yada, yada. So most men worry, without even knowing it, that they are harming by being dominant. We're told from early on that we shouldn't control or force a woman to do anything because it's "wrong." It is likely that he feels this way. You may want to talk to him about what he finds acceptable to "do to a woman." The fact that he cares for you may be part of the reason he doesn't want to be dominant toward you. On the misconception that it's wrong. It's important to learn what the person you're with likes, whatever that might be. He cares for you, so he'll want to know what makes you happy. It may be that you will have to help him defeat some of the erroneous assumptions. Be positive and encourage especially when he does things you like. I personally believe that vanilla/lifestyle relationships absolutely can work. Feel free to ask my help if you want it. Advice, whatever.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 15

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/30/2009 11:49:31 PM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline

~FR~

In a (offtopic) side note, where is Lucky Albatross? Did something happen, did I miss something?

(in reply to cagliostro)

Post #: 16

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 3/31/2009 9:25:08 AM

SirDominic

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Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

He knows i am kinky, tho not to the extent i am

This is the problem right here. You are not being honest with him about who you are and what you desire. Whether or not he has the interest/capability to be dominant is not really the point. You withholding from him will only lead to trouble in this or any relationship.

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(in reply to sub4spanks)

Post #: 17

RE: being in a 'non kinky' relationship - 4/4/2009 1:49:26 PM

sub4spanks

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline

thank u all so much for your replies aswell as your honesty and i apologise for not comming on to the boards sooner.
i havent been hollding back from him, he knows what i am and what i like and he hasnt left me so far! and describes it as 'interesting'
we have talked more about it and he's even begun looking at BDSM related articles online - so i guess he does find it interesting/new and maybe will build on that.

ill check out the similar post which have been suggested also

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 18

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