How can I help ease her fears?

How can I help ease her fears? (Full Version)

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Searchin4What -> How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 9:19:50 AM)
So let me give 30 seconds of history between this woman and myself. She's a member here but I don't think she uses the boards. She and I chatted for the first time a week ago. We clicked, and talked on the phone that night, and there were orgasms. She has told me that she's felt submissive all of her life, but her partners haven't been overtly dominant, just content to take advantage of her giving nature. We set up our first meeting for this past weekend but she's become very anxious. She is scared of these feelings and has refused to talk on the phone for a few days because she is scared of how compliant she becomes for me. I'm reasonably sure she trusts me, and I don't think she is a fake or playing games. Please don't fill this thread with those responses. I've told her via emails and texts that I will let her process these changes by herself if sue wishes, but I will not let communication end. I would like further suggestions on what I can do to make her more at ease. It's been a while since I dealt with my anxiety over my desires, and tellng her about that helped some, I think. I honestly feel that time is the best solution, and I am willing to give her that because a more demandin approach will scare her off completely, I think. Thank you all in advance. I've ghosted the boards for a while and I'm sure that I will benefit from your insights.

cantilena -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 9:28:58 AM)
I'm confused. You were supposed to meet this past weekend... I am assuming that meeting was cancelled. So my question is, were you supposed to meet for coffee at Starbucks or were you supposed to meet for play? If it was the latter, I'd suggest the former. If it was the former, I'd suggest letting her simply work it out on her own. She knows you're interested. Keep the door open, but heck... if she doesn't want communication with you, you can't 'disallow' her from stopping it with you.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 9:59:08 AM)
If she's too skittish to even meet for coffee my guess is she might be married, or another committed relationship. She's not getting her needs met in that relationship so she seeks elsewhere. But when push comes to shove she realizes all that she has to lose, and backs out. Just a guess.

tamedspirit -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 10:08:19 AM)
i would be anxious too You have only known this woman a week it is far too early to be wanting to meet.. are You pushing her into meeting ? if so You might have scared her off. tamed

TaoWoman -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 10:16:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tamedspirit i would be anxious too You have only known this woman a week it is far too early to be wanting to meet.. are You pushing her into meeting ? if so You might have scared her off. tamed How would talking via phone and internet make anyone "safer" to meet in a public place? I have spent as much as 6 months talking heart to heart with someone, only to finally meet and realize they were not who they led me to believe. In my opinion, it is never too early to meet~

tamedspirit -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 10:26:36 AM)
That is Your opinion.. mine is at least get to know the person more before meeting.. you can find out a lot about people the longer you speak to them. it took me 4 years of talking online before i met my last Dom.. as a submissive i had to have compleate trust before i even thought about meeting Him, tamed.

InTonguesslut -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 10:32:10 AM)
If as you say she is not playing games then i think things have just moved way too quickly for her. Anxiety about a meet is normal but i would say her reaction if it was just a coffee date of pulling away and not speaking to you may be a bit of an over reaction and there may be other issues behind that. As others have suggested she may not be single, she may just be a thrill of the chase girl etc etc. Speaking on the internet, the phone and then having some version of phone sex all in one night sounds really quick moving to me. Perhaps she really does give up and submit way too quickly and easily to people and pulling back may be the best thing for her and you. Time probably is the best solution, pushing her to communicate or meet will only push her away. Let her know you are there when she is ready to move forward and see what happens.

Juliannadelion -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 10:33:26 AM)
Time is usually good. It can be quite disconcerting for a woman to realize just how easily she slips into slave mode for a man she barely knows. It is a NEED that many do not realize how deeply it goes until they meet someone that brings out that natural inclination in them. It was like that with my Lord from the getgo - it was pretty terrifying really because I am so very much in control of my 'vanilla' life. Give her time, be her friend, get to know her better. Being patient and understanding about he anxiety and fears will go a long way in her trusting you later down the line. Which will be important when it comes time for you to take her farther down the path should she wish to go. I do wish you the very best of luck. Finding the right person makes the world a sweeter place to be. [:D]

subangi -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 10:46:15 AM)
I prefer to meet in person publicly as soon as I feel there is compatibility and a "spark". Seeing someone face to face, tells more in 15 min than months chatting online and talking on the phone. Sometimes the fear is actually discomfort in physical appearance, or some form of a committed relationship that already exists.

chamberqueen -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 10:58:41 AM)
As a Domme, the first meeting I set up was always for coffee or a meal only - no session for at least 24 hours. That gave us both time to think over our reactions to each other and to make sure that we were comfortable. This early in the relationship I believe that it can even work well to allow the sub to make the decision on whether or not to meet for anything more - especially if they are overwhelmed by emotion. While the Dom has the right to give commands, commanding a meeting for a first session can scare some away. Each case needs to be handled according to the needs and abilities of the sub. When I decided to experiment with my submissive side I was amazed at the emotional roller coaster I went through. It was very hard for me to give trust. It wasn't something that steadily grew but was more like waves of an incoming tide, always moving forward but with little steps back as I got scared. The fear was internal - I was afraid to let too much of myself go, to believe that someone would truly look out for my best interests and not use me selfishly, and I had little to no sign that these things would ever happen. I was frightened of the intensity of my emotions and my growing need for him. I would suggest letting her know that you understand that this is all new for her, and that you know she needs time to sort through some of the emotions. Tell her you'll be there for her to lean on and to talk to, and that you care about what she is going through. It may take kid gloves for a while but it sounds like it will be worth it.

Searchin4What -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 11:48:25 AM)
I see I was remiss in not mentioning the format of our first meeting earlier. It was just to be dinner in her area, about an hour from me. What I have offered is that I'll be driving to see a college friend soon, and she's not far out of the way. So a quick meeting for coffee and conversation, hopefully no pressure, so we'll see.

eleusis -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 12:28:06 PM)
She may simply need more time. More time to get to know You, and more time to reconcile the feelings of compliance she has towards You. Keep reassuring her during that time that it will be a public meeting- and that You will not be expecting- or suggesting- anything sexual. If she's concerned that You will be, and that she won't have the ability to say "no" to You (even if she wants to)- it can be very disconcerting for her. Trust and communication are about the only things that are going to assuage her fears- and both of those take time and effort. If You push too hard for this, You could push her away. Remember, as a Dom, You need to make her feel safe- and that may mean waiting a little longer than You'd prefer for the meeting. It's not like it's been years, or even months. Since you two have only been talking a little over a week, I think she is quite justified in wanting to postpone the meeting at this point.

cantilena -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 12:57:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Searchin4What I see I was remiss in not mentioning the format of our first meeting earlier. It was just to be dinner in her area, about an hour from me. What I have offered is that I'll be driving to see a college friend soon, and she's not far out of the way. So a quick meeting for coffee and conversation, hopefully no pressure, so we'll see. That all sounds reasonable to me. :) I hope it works out for you; just don't turn creepy on her. If she wants to back off for a bit, or otherwise not want to proceed... let her go. The bit in your OP about 'not letting communication end' was the only troublesome thing to my reckoning. It could be just the way you wrote it, though. Good luck.

tamedspirit -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 2:00:17 PM)
well put i so agree tamed.

lronitulstahp -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 4:42:36 PM)
quote: She and I chatted for the first time a week ago. We clicked, and talked on the phone that night, and there were orgasms. She has told me that she's felt submissive all of her life, but her partners haven't been overtly dominant, just content to take advantage of her giving nature. Were the "orgasms" yours or hers? Either way, she felt totally fine having phone sex with you the first night you met online...but can't meet for lunch? Ok.......[8\|]

Searchin4What -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 5:29:08 PM)
They were hers, to a 3:1 ratio. I think that is what freaked her out a bit- she wasn't prepared for her response to me. That response was a strong signal to me that we should at least meet but upon reflection I can see how she would need that time. My concern is that she has grown less and less communicative and I fear she's withdrawing from me. I suppose I should be enlightened and let her choose her path but if I started her along this road, don't I have an obligation to help her gain her footing?

lovingpet -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 5:41:25 PM)
You can politely keep lines of communication open, but she likely will withdraw from you. It may be permanent just because it was far too intense for what she expected. It may not be. She need time to herself to sort out HER feelings, thoughts, and decisions. You started her on this path, but no, only she gets to decide with whom she will journey. You cannot ever help someone who does not want your help. In the end, this is something intensely personal to her that only she can rectify. lovingpet

DesFIP -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 6:23:56 PM)
Stop talking sexually or about play. Don't do cyber sex or phone sex. Do discuss the day, the weather, the news, what kind of car she prefers, what problems it might have judging by her description of the noise it makes. Become friends first and leave lovers and dom/sub until after.

lronitulstahp -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 6:31:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Searchin4What They were hers, to a 3:1 ratio. I think that is what freaked her out a bit- she wasn't prepared for her response to me. That response was a strong signal to me that we should at least meet but upon reflection I can see how she would need that time. My concern is that she has grown less and less communicative and I fear she's withdrawing from me. I suppose I should be enlightened and let her choose her path but if I started her along this road, don't I have an obligation to help her gain her footing? Are you relatively new to all this as well? i'm not trying to be rude...but after a week of knowing someone and a bit of phone sex, you seem to think you have somehow transformed and inspired her in some huge profound way. You have no obligation to someone who doesn't seem to want your help. methinks the frenzy is afoot... We've all been there(well, most of us anyway) It sounds to me like you could both use a breather; and not one of the "heavy" sort. You've done enough of that, thank you very much. ~prudence

kiwisub12 -> RE: How can I help ease her fears? (3/30/2009 6:42:11 PM)
If she is withdrawing from you , you might send her an email saying that you think things went a bit fast and furious, and you want to pull back and chill out a little, and get to know her as a person more before exploring the wilder side of her. Since most people don't have orgasms from talking on the phone about the weather and what sort of shoes they prefer, she might think the sex is the primary goal of your relationship. This is assuming that sex isn't your primary goal, and that you actually do care for this woman a bit.

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