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CreativeDominant -> RE: Baggage (4/1/2009 7:29:17 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WyldHrt
I often read in profiles here things like "don't bring any baggage", "want a sub with no baggage", or "deal with your own baggage".
Okies, on one level I can understand this, as it often means, "Don't contact me if you are too damaged/ disfunctional/ not ready to move on from a past relationship". I really do get that.
On another level, I have to wonder. It seems that some folks expect that potential partners have been wrapped in a sterile coating like the plastic cups you get in hotel rooms. They want a clean slate and will have nothing to do with the experiences that have made someone who they are today, but are still interested in that person... which leads me to ask....
Is baggage always a bad thing?
Interesting discussion here...it reminds me of a discussion I've had with others, including you, in that the views expressed on this vary in their qualifications as to what constitutes baggage and how much is a bad thing and how realistic is the expectation of "no baggage" and can the statement be made without qualifiers?
On the one hand, some people want a "firm line" as to where a dominant stands on something. Too many qualifiers regarding a statement such as "no baggage" in his/her profile comes across to some as the dominant being double-sided,, wishy-washy, etc.. A straight-forward statement of "no baggage" with no qualifiers or explanation of what that means comes across as just right to some and unrealistic to others, including myself.
But...that baggage has to be manageable. For me, it has to be baggage that has been dealt with in a manner that can be shown to be having a positive effect. As someone else noted on here, there are many submissives who have extreme amounts of baggage and want someone to fix it or, as another poster who used to be on here a lot was fond of saying, "just deal with it whenever it comes out and recognize that I have "hot buttons". (more later on this point)
I have had the tendency in the past to play "white knight" and it has taken me a long time to see just how draining of myself that was...how the relationship ended up being not about us nor, in the case of D/s, about serving me but rather about serving her past. Given that D/s can mean opening up cans of worms, any dominant who has any sense at all and who wants to delve into the inside of a submissive knows he is going to run into these worms in the form of barriers, hidden traps, etc.. How the dominant deals with it is up to each individual dominant but for me, it means giving support to the submissive if they are small issues and being supportive of her while helping her to find the more expert therapy for her issues. I am not a therapist in my personal life...my professional life requires me to have to deal with some issues on a higher level than I care to maintain at home and even there, I have sent patients to other, more experienced and qualified professionals that I work with.
Now to get back to the buttons. I said earlier that how the submissive has dealt with her baggage means a lot to me when considering someone. Someone who has dealt with, or is dealing with, their baggage in a positive way means that while they may still have buttons, those buttons are there and can be pushed but it would take a pretty dumb dominant to do so. To me...and I refer to me only here...buttons that are still "hot" years after the occurrence are areas that haveo not been dealt with OR, if dealt with were not dealt with in a positive manner. Rocks that block the way have not been examined, analyzed and tossed to the side or behind but instead have been left in their raw, cutting, blocking state and have been carried along. I don't want to deal with those rocks...I've dealt with my own and have either tossed them aside or have polished them and taken the sharp edges off and know them.
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