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RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 6:01:18 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58
Hard limits are related to fear of the unknown; ie what one has experienced or heard about.
 


Isn't that a contradiction in terms? If you've experienced it or researched it, then it isn't unknown.

And hard limits can just be things that cause damage to you, either physically or emotionally. I hard limit inverted suspension not because I'm afraid of it, but because it will set off my vertigo. I don't want to not be able to do this, since I'm a bondage fanatic, but I'm not able to handle being unable to do anything for four days until the dizzyness passes.

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RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 6:04:15 AM   
xtrmtrainedpet


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/6/2009
Status: offline 		Limits? No one told me i get limits! lol...my limits are my Owner's limits (but i did get to choose my Owner). i trust Him to know just how far He can push me. He's not going to damage me mentally or physically cuz that would just be no fun at all for Him!

xtp

(in reply to catize)
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RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 6:22:14 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xtrmtrainedpet

Limits? No one told me i get limits! lol...my limits are my Owner's limits (but i did get to choose my Owner). i trust Him to know just how far He can push me. He's not going to damage me mentally or physically cuz that would just be no fun at all for Him!

xtp


I don’t play that semantics game.
My limits are mine; I ‘own’ my limits. 
There are many things that overlap with R.’s and S.’s limits, but that doesn’t mean they are theirs alone; we just happen to have some of the same ones. 
They were my limits before I met them and they will be mine if either of these men leave my life. 


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Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 7:05:14 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

ORIGINAL: xtrmtrainedpet

Limits? No one told me i get limits! lol...my limits are my Owner's limits (but i did get to choose my Owner). i trust Him to know just how far He can push me. He's not going to damage me mentally or physically cuz that would just be no fun at all for Him!

xtp


I don’t play that semantics game.
My limits are mine; I ‘own’ my limits. 
There are many things that overlap with R.’s and S.’s limits, but that doesn’t mean they are theirs alone; we just happen to have some of the same ones. 
They were my limits before I met them and they will be mine if either of these men leave my life. 

I agree. Just because Master's limits and my limits are pretty much the same doesn't mean that I don't have them. It just means that I don't have to enforce them.

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RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 8:23:07 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...Can't you just get past yourself if it's something he enjoys?...


some can...other's can't.  neither is inherently better nor worse than the other.
 
for this slave, dictating terms is repulsive and against her nature and training.
 
there are activities that Master enjoys that this slave has never been fond of...one in particular, since it was forced on this slave to perform by someone for whom safewords and limits and NO!!! meant absolutely nothing, many years ago.  is it a hard limit? no.  the pleasure he receives from the activity outweighs any angst/repulsion this slave feels about it.

quote:

...What do you do?...


this slave doesn't display angst/repulsion about it...sometimes there are tears of joy that she has been able to get past the trauma from the past and focus on HIM.  focusing on Him and His pleasure is this slave's ultimate pleasure.
 
this slave made the choice when entering the relationship she currently enjoys, not to limit Him.  it was a decision that she understands many folks are not willing to make.  the choice this slave made not to limit Him is neither inherently better nor worse than the choice others make to limit their relationship partner.
 
she sees limiting/not limiting relationship partners, hard or soft, as a uniquely personal decision, not an absolute...and also a decision that one might be willing to change over time, as trust changes or as issues arise or resolve.

(in reply to curiousINct)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 8:50:37 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Beautifully said, beth. 
I see the phrase 'hard limit' tossed around a lot on boards and in profiles.  In my initial contemplation of the thing, I believe I used a more fluid definition, which isn't my inclination now.  A hard limit, for me, would define something that isn't going to be okay (And if it becomes okay, it means that I've flipped my gourd). 
That having been said, I think that in any relationship, one hopefully builds trust and could potentially gain the assurance needed to do something that they didn't start out willing to do/in posession of substantial trust enough to do.  Mindfulness in relationship building would strike me as paramount in such an instance. 
  Davan

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 9:07:15 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I totally agree with those who say that you can revisit the limit in the future.  If you are changing your mind about it, perhaps it doesn't seem as yucky as it did before, or if your willingness to do something outside of your comfort zone is stronger than your feeling of dread, you may want to bring it up as something that you can see as a possibility in the future.  If he has given you the option of saying no then you need to convince yourself that there is no need for guilt for doing just that (though I know that can be hard to do).

You are truly blessed that your Dom understands and has not pushed you.  Many slaves do not have that option.  The basic choice is to do as told or risk the relationship. 


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RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 9:17:52 AM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline 		Let me just say one thing ok? When we first met last year realtime, on the first day we were together he took one of my hard limits, and not only smashed it, he made it into something so frigging hot and sexy that I love him for it. Rather than making me do it by being a jerk, he oh so sexily showed me how it could be sexy, dirty, humiliating and hot all at once, which for me is a combination that I adore. Just keep an open mind, some things I thought oh hell no? Now I beg for them. :) Like you, I just started this journey last year and he is the first (and last) Master I will ever have. Have fun, and just know if he loves you or cares about you, and he is a good man, not just a play partner? Breaking down those limits can be a pathway to amazing intimacy. Not to mention hot as hell.    

Now instead of calling anything a limit, because with him I don't have any, or safewords, I just have things I don't want to do, but we work on them, and more often than not, like I said, I find I worried way too much over it. Have fun and enjoy learning about yourself that way.



quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousINct

Thanks OsideGirl and crazyredhead. I don't have very many limits now, but when I first stumbled onto this world last summer, pretty much everything on the checklist scared or grossed me out, and was labelled a hard limit.  :)


_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



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RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 9:22:46 AM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousINct

A question for the many of you who have been traveling this path longer than I.....

You have a hard limit. It becomes a soft limit as you start to trust, and realize everything isn't as scary as it once sounded. You give it a shot. Perhaps not the most committed attempt to like something you've ever made, but you have started the basics none the less. He mentions taking it a step further, you push back. He says if you really don't like it that much, we don't have to do it. He seems to really mean it....it's ok.

Relief should come flooding in here, but the bit that does is mixed with a whole lot of guilt. Is it really something worth having complained so much about? Can't you just get past yourself if it's something he enjoys?

What do you do?




You try it his way. If you dont like it, then you dont do it again. You cant have a limit of something you never tried, unless there is a good reason for it. Something that brings back awful childhood memories is an understandable limit, something that has health implications that outweight the potential enjoyment, yeah. Something that sounds gross? no.  Fox had a few limits when he came to me, and we systematically looked at each one and decided which were actual limits (there are a few) and which were more fear of the unknown than actual disinterest. We tried them, and the ones he liked we kept. The ones that were bad we left as limits and we wont touch again. Win-win

DV


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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 9:28:34 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Master and i have the same hard limits.  There is something that we do that would be a hard limit for anyone but Master.  Master knows my soft limits and if he is gong to push one we will talk about it first so he knows i will be ok with it.  If Master ever broke one of my hard limits i would be gone.  I could never trust him again.  He would not do that he respect's my hard limits.

Matt's littleone

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 12:04:05 PM   
hopeful68


Posts: 77
Joined: 9/16/2008
Status: offline 		I find that I will do things that make my Dominant happy, but not me per say.  But, having said that, the Dominant needs to respect that you are doing something to please him and him alone and reward you for that behavior.

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 12:17:44 PM   
sweetgirlseeks


Posts: 131
Status: offline 		My thoughts on this were somewhat echoed in your posting.

I don't think that limits are something a sub or slave should feel guilty about having.  To me, it is the Dom or Master's role to lead you to explore those things which you may consider limits, if that is what they want to have you do.  If they know what they are doing, they will find ways to guide you to the experience, in time. 

~sgs

< Message edited by sweetgirlseeks -- 4/6/2009 12:18:00 PM >

(in reply to Aynne88)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Finding your limits - 4/6/2009 4:00:34 PM   
curiousINct


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks to everyone who shared their views and experiences here. It's been a great help. :)


(in reply to sweetgirlseeks)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Finding your limits - 4/10/2009 9:32:42 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		when i met my M'Lady W/we discussed what my limits were. i was new to the lifestyle so i had few to start with. i only have 2 now one is for health reasons(corpralphilia) and the other is due to ptsd(long bull whips) the rest were researched and observed  and eventually tried with wonderfully success. with you and your limits only you can decide if it remains a hard limit. that will be a journey for you to travel with your Dominant.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Finding your limits - 4/11/2009 12:31:11 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

He mentions taking it a step further, you push back.


I don't ever do that. I establish the sub's hard limits up front, and I will never push. If my sub develops an interest, she can initiate whatever it is she is curious about, but I see no reason to try and push limits of my own accord.

There are exceptions, of course - the best example I have is the sub who had a needle phobia - not just for needle play, she wouldn't even have blood drawn, which makes a VD test impossible. In that case, I had her watch me inject myself, I take medication that way, then taught her to inject me, and in that way she overcame the phobia, and eventually even developed an interest in needle play.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Finding your limits - 4/11/2009 2:49:11 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousINct

Relief should come flooding in here, but the bit that does is mixed with a whole lot of guilt. Is it really something worth having complained so much about? Can't you just get past yourself if it's something he enjoys?

What do you do?






That normally happens to me just before something I thought I didnt want becomes something that I cant stop thinking about. I dont really talk much in terms of limits, we all have stuff we dont want to do, limits imply a rigidity, there are of course things that I would never ever do but most of those are just completely logical. I will say if there is something I am not keen on, often if it is something that the dominant really likes then I will find myself swayed and try it, if I get the guilt feeling then for me often it means that I am making a bigger deal about it that it actually is. That may or may not be true for you.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Finding your limits - 4/11/2009 4:17:22 AM   
InTonguesslave


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/6/2009
Status: offline 		i think the tendancy at the begining is to mark lots of things as limits and hard limits and as you go along you realise that much of what you thought youd hate or fear or get nothing out of isnt so much.  you also realise that as you step into a relationship with someone the reality of it is far different from you just sitting down ticking through a list of options youve never tried.

a hard limit for me once used to be the cane, the thing terrified me, largely cos id seen pics of peoples bottoms lacerated and bleeding - so hard limit went up.  ive since learnt that - yep, i hate it - yep, it hurts like buggery - nope, its not a hard limit any more cos i can deal with it if Sir chooses for me to do so - he knows my capabilities.

but thats the point.  youre with someone now, its reality and the reality is that you want to please him.

sometimes it does take time to adjust youre mind to something they want from you.  my feeling is that if you at least try to get there rather than say no and tip the balance and make youreself miserable then youre D can see that and help you through it or abandon it if its just way too much right now.

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RE: Finding your limits - 4/11/2009 8:11:36 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		For me this is easy. 
I only identify things as hard limits if they are morally or ethically against the grain of who I am.  I don't change those, I don't give in, I don't bend them simply because my dominant thinks he needs to stretch them.
Anything else is just a regular limit.  Those change as I learn to trust my partner.  Pretty much everyone starts with the same limits.. You don't come at me with a knife unless I know you and trust you very well.
Kyst

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Finding your limits - 4/11/2009 8:14:41 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		How can something you have experienced be a fear of the unknown?  Hard limits are not always about fear.  Sometimes they are something you KNOW.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

~~FR~~
 
Hard limits are related to fear of the unknown; ie what one has experienced or heard about.
 
 

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Finding your limits - 4/11/2009 12:06:11 PM   
InTonguesslave


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/6/2009
Status: offline 		it occurred to me today, probably inspired by this, that it might be interesting to actually go through a bdsm list, like the one you find on bondage and try everything -

... then i thought, hm, well, no, cos theres no way ill do skat, knifeplay, needles (shudder), necrophelia, incest (i jest) - but fankly there are things i really am not and never will be prepared to do no matter how much i trust and want to please.

in the end, when you reach an empass you reach one.  its then just down to the two of you to respect that and move on.

the word limit is a good word, taken out of context and just seen for what it is, its a word that describes a scruple, a moral stance, a belief, a line drawn, nothing more and no bigee - least it shouldnt be.  dont feel bad just because youve looked at something and said nopety nope nope, not on youre nelly - thats how you feel, its valid and beyond that its up to you and youre D to work around it.

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aka lally


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Profile   Post #: 40
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