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Was it Always Easy? - 1/28/2006 7:56:40 PM

misssubmisse

Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
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My question is was it always easy for the Dominants here to be Dominant in your relationships with people you sincerely cared for and loved?

I have been with a man who i know loves me very much, and I feel the same, and we discovered somewhat early on that we had this interest (D/s relationship) in common as well. We've been each other's first D/s relationship, neither of us had any previous experience and all of our RL experience have been with each other.

We're young also, started in our early 20s, so I'm wondering if it's not uncommon for a person who is actually Dominating the one they love for the first time to have a hard time feeling that it's "OK". I have the sense he would like to go further with me, but is held back because he's feels he will hurt me or can't bring himself to do the things in RL that he's imagined for so many years in fantasy.

We're not together right now, and I've made it a goal to learn as much as I can now in the hopes that I can help him along with these internal/moral conflicts as we attempt to sort out the issues that forced us to take a break. Can I even do anything to help him? If you did have these same issues, was it your partner who helped you past them, or did you need to do it alone?

Any advice, thoughts or past experience would be very much appreciated, thank you for reading

(Btw, sorry to post the same thread in the Master & Mistress boards, but I wanted to get opinions from all Dominants, thank you.)

Post #: 1

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/28/2006 8:05:38 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

My short answer is Yes with the exception of the parents and grandparents, They could all out Dom me at will. I needed to move out into the wider world to come of Dominant age. (The Military works wonders for you in that if you have Dom tendencies). All other relationships including family I have been Dominant.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 2

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/28/2006 8:14:42 PM

misssubmisse

Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
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Thanks for the reply IB

I'm just confused about this part:

quote:

I needed to move out into the wider world to come of Dominant age.

Do you mean for being dominant in general in your life overall? Or to make your dominance stronger just for the relationship aspect?

Maybe it would help to say with the one I love, he is not an overal "total" dominant in life; he is when it comes down to brass tacks and absolutely has to put his foot down over something he refuses to bend or break on, but he would prefer to try and compromise first before letting it come to that.

Again, thanks for your reply

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 3

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/28/2006 8:48:26 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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I personally find myself hesitating at times, not going as far or as fast as I might, or always as she would like, just precisely becuse I loved her before she was my sub, and I am very careful to not get carried away, to keep things progressing at a steady pace, rather than rushing into the deepend.
It isn't so much that it is hard to dominate the one you love, as the dominant's chosen pace may not be fast enough for the sub's liking.

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(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 4

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/28/2006 8:51:24 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

With very Doninant perents and just leaving school, I needed to be away from the family so I could develope my own Dominance and become my own man... Just part of the Rites of Passage for a Man. My parents supported my decision and my father commented it was just what he did for the same reason. After that we were comfortable talking as equals. I made mistakes and he let me make them but made sure that I learned from them.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 5

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/28/2006 9:18:47 PM

misssubmisse

Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

Arpig - Thanks for that spin on it, I hadn't really considered that he may just want to take things slower, but it's an option that I'll bring up with him. I have talked to him about what I think it is (feeling it's not OK) and he's said that he does feel that way with certain things, but he's never mentioned what you've suggested...though I've never asked lol It gives me something new to consider, so thank you

IB - That's actually something I hadn't considered either until just hearing you tell me about your parents and how it made you seek out your independent dominance. He was raised in a very strict home, so possibly he's working out those same kind of needs for independence? Thanks for your reply, that's another new option and possible reason that I'll talk with him about.

You guys are great, thank you both

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 6

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 12:30:34 AM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
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quote:

My question is was it always easy for the Dominants here to be Dominant in your relationships with people you sincerely cared for and loved?

No. If it was easy, then what's the point of doing it? Challenge is one things that drives us. Think of it as something along the guide lines of breaking a horse. For me, it's more fun when challenge is there and brings a stronger bond and more understanding to the relationship.

I never cared much for having a "door mat" or having someone who didn't have an opinion. I like being forcefull and harsh toned. It's hard to do that when there's no reason to be.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 7

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 2:58:30 AM

RavenMuse

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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The short answer would be yes. It is just a part of who I am, part of the way I care about someone. I have quite a dominant personality and that has played a part in every relationship even the more vanilla ones.

But life isn't as simple as 'short answers'. There have been times when it would be so much easier not to be the dominant one, not to have to take up the responcibilitys, not to have to make the tough decisions. I have always done it anyway because its who I am and I can't bring myself to simply lay down those sorts of things to another. That doesn't mean it isn't difficult sometimes.

As for the rest of your question. Yes occassionaly a partner has needed me to push my own limits in order to take her where she has needed to go. The first big hurdle I remember was when it came to inflicting pain past where I saw it as 'playful' I'm not a small guy and had a lot of social conditioning to break to get where she needed me to be for her.

Part of it can't be helped by anyone else. As a Dom you have to learn to take charge, be in control and hold firm bounderys with yourself before you can really do so with another.

The rest, when you are back together you certainly can help. Where you are enjoying it, allow yourself to show it. Communicate and do so honestly. Where you are submitting to something you find hard, tell him honestly not just the negative bits but the positive bits too. You might sometimes have a little flash "Don't want to" when given a task, but you do it anyway because your also getting the positive of doing it for HIM... tell him BOTH parts of it.

The most important bit, IMO, work with him to build the trust both in the relationship itself AND in the lifestyle you are choosing together.

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 8

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 4:52:25 AM

SirKenin

Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline

I am dominant by nature. I was raised by a very strict, dominant father. Even with that notwithstanding, I still find it hard sometimes to dominate the one I love. They give you the puppy dog eyes, speak in that cute voice you can not resist and you melt. It takes a lot of discipline to be able to stand firm, but they respect you for it. Like My girlfriend says... she wants Me to "be the Man". heh.

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(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 9

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 9:48:43 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

It's always easy to be who I am... Not always easy to do what I have to do!

edit to add the following.

Just reading your post... and what do you mean by Dominanting? What acts of behavior are you talking about? Some behaviors might be easy for some and not so easy for others. Example, when I do Dominant my girls in SM activities... it is a very easy thing to cause them alot of pain, I have often pushed them to the point of blood. However, I find it difficult to inflict physical punishment... it's not something I like or want to do. I generally find a much different way to punish than use physical ones. My lecture is very effect in this way and is much easier for me to do!

So, there is more than one way to skin a cat! Think of the consequences wanted... and consider all the possible ways to get there... some will like be, some will not be liked. maximize the ones you like, and keep looking for different ways to replace the ones you don't like.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 1/29/2006 10:02:02 AM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 10

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 10:59:38 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: misssubmisse

My question is was it always easy for the Dominants here to be Dominant in your relationships with people you sincerely cared for and loved?

The short answer is, no, it wasn't.

The long answer is a bit more involved. Dominance and leadership are traits I've possessed all my life. But they weren't traits I was always encouraged or allowed to explore and develop. Its one thing to have a dominant personality but knowing what to do with it is still something that has to be learned. In learning that you also develop confidence in what you can do and that's also part of the process. A person can have a dominant personality, possess the skills, and still not be able to act on it if they don't have confidence in those things.

For me, learning to utilize and express my dominance in various areas of my life took time. It required getting to know myself and being comfortable with that, learning to have confidence in who I am. Then there was learning to balance various things. I'm a romantic... big time. I can be tender, affectionate and I have ocean's of love to give. But as a dominant I had to learn to control those feelings and balance that against the times when I need to be strict, firm, tough, etc. It may sound surprising to some, but I really don't like to punish. I don't like punishing my neice or nephew when they do something wrong. But I do do it, not because I want to, but because I realize its necessary for their sake. They need to learn there are some things they can't do, its wrong and their are consequences. That punishment is often an artificial consequence I create that takes the place of a very real consequence life would inflict if they kept doing what they were doing (ie, you spank them for getting too close to the road as an artificial consequence so that they learn to avoid the natural consequence of being flattened by a car!). Disciplining and correcting a slave is no different, I do it to teach her there are things she shouldn't do, our relationship has boundaries and consequences just as life does. You have to learn not only to do these things, but how to do them effectively, its a skill and it doesn't come naturally... you learn it.

Having a dominant personality is one thing, knowing what to do with it is something else, it takes time. That may come easier to some than to others, we're all unique and face different obstacles in our life. Some may have grown up with great examples to follow, others of us had to fight to overcome barriers and ideologies that supressed dominance. For some, learning to express and utilize their dominance is a challenge.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 11

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 11:34:08 AM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

I found with the Master i am owned by now he seems to just have that Dominance about him all the time. If he didn't love me so much im sure he just would let me do whatever i wished instead of setting rules i am to abide by. He clearly has no trouble saying no or stop, or punishing me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: misssubmisse

My question is was it always easy for the Dominants here to be Dominant in your relationships with people you sincerely cared for and loved?

I have been with a man who i know loves me very much, and I feel the same, and we discovered somewhat early on that we had this interest (D/s relationship) in common as well. We've been each other's first D/s relationship, neither of us had any previous experience and all of our RL experience have been with each other.

We're young also, started in our early 20s, so I'm wondering if it's not uncommon for a person who is actually Dominating the one they love for the first time to have a hard time feeling that it's "OK". I have the sense he would like to go further with me, but is held back because he's feels he will hurt me or can't bring himself to do the things in RL that he's imagined for so many years in fantasy.

We're not together right now, and I've made it a goal to learn as much as I can now in the hopes that I can help him along with these internal/moral conflicts as we attempt to sort out the issues that forced us to take a break. Can I even do anything to help him? If you did have these same issues, was it your partner who helped you past them, or did you need to do it alone?

Any advice, thoughts or past experience would be very much appreciated, thank you for reading

(Btw, sorry to post the same thread in the Master & Mistress boards, but I wanted to get opinions from all Dominants, thank you.)

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 12

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 2:25:46 PM

desoutter

Posts: 91
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline

Misssubmisse -

Is it uncommon for a person who is actually Dominating the one they love... to have a hard time feeling its "ok". I am not quite sure how to answer this question - My past relationships - I have never actually felt that I could not explore my imagination and/or fantasy... due to my love for another...

If there was anything you COULD do? - Communicate... as with any relationship - communication will 99.9% of the time, resolve discrepancies. If your thoughts are such that he may be holding himself back - talk to him about it... reassure him... talk about your limits... talk talk talk...

Often times - if I find myself feeling odd about something - or even unsure of what my needs are... talking about it will help me to better understand my own internal thoughts and feelings, just by expressing them...

be honest with him - communicate - be honest with yourself and accept no less from him.

desoutter

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 13

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 5:55:40 PM

misssubmisse

Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

Thanks to everyone for your reply to this thread, this question is the reason I'm here really. Although we do have extremely open communication and have talked about everything we want in our relationship, I felt that if I could get "into his head" it would be an additional POV that could refect his own. Now I've been able to read from so many that it gives many more things for us to think about and talk about.

I'm mainly concerned that he doesn't believe me completely when i say that i want the same things that he does. I'd had "limits" in my mind that conflicted with things he'd told me he'd thought about doing and told him those as they came up. With more time, those limits faded, I trust him enough now that I don't feel I need to have those barriers up any longer. It seems that he's now stuck with what I had told him I did not want, which I love and appreciate in it's own way because it's the fact that he cares so much about making sure I'm enjoying what happens between that has allowed me to get to the point I'm at now.

My guess is that if we hadn't been a couple first, if it was just a D/s play relationship, he'd have no problem with having me say I'm ready for more, but because of the love there and his sensitivity toward me...now it's a roadblock.

Anyhow, I'm grateful for all of the replies and appreciate everyone who took the time to post, it helps. Things have progressed between us in the past few months and maybe it's just a pace he's travelling at and more will come. I'll keep talking with him along the way and do everything i can to keep him assured that we do want the same things. Thanks

(in reply to desoutter)

Post #: 14

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 7:16:20 PM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

My own Dom had a very hard time at first.As he is also my husband,it was osmething we had to work for.It comes in time and with trust.Good luck

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 15

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 8:52:32 PM

misssubmisse

Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlouLady

My own Dom had a very hard time at first.As he is also my husband,it was osmething we had to work for.It comes in time and with trust.Good luck

Thank you

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 16

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/30/2006 7:33:50 AM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

I have always been quite dominant by nature. I found that the military taught me CONTROL. I also learned to focus my dominance (and my temper) so I could get along better with others.

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Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to misssubmisse)

Post #: 17

RE: Was it Always Easy? - 2/2/2006 5:39:00 AM

Dracironsgirl

Posts: 175
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline

hello ...my Master was always Dominant since early on and it just grew from there but i think everyone is different and has different things to say on that ...i think it really has to do with the person to say the expeerience, just one's thought.
~kristin

_____________________________

~love a Man in control~

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Post #: 18

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