Was it Always Easy?

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Was it Always Easy? - 1/28/2006 8:16:26 PM

misssubmisse

Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
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My question is was it always easy for the Dominants here to be Dominant in your relationships with people you sincerely cared for and loved?

I have been with a man who i know loves me very much, and I feel the same, and we discovered somewhat early on that we had this interest (D/s relationship) in common as well. We've been each other's first D/s relationship, neither of us had any previous experience and all of our RL experience have been with each other.

We're young also, started in our early 20s, so I'm wondering if it's not uncommon for a person who is actually Dominating the one they love for the first time to have a hard time feeling that it's "OK". I have the sense he would like to go further with me, but is held back because he's feels he will hurt me or can't bring himself to do the things in RL that he's imagined for so many years in fantasy.

We're not together right now, and I've made it a goal to learn as much as I can now in the hopes that I can help him along with these internal/moral conflicts as we attempt to sort out the issues that forced us to take a break. Can I even do anything to help him? If you did have these same issues, was it your partner who helped you past them, or did you need to do it alone?

Any advice, thoughts or past experience would be very much appreciated, thank you for reading.

(Btw, sorry to post the same thread in the Master & Mistress boards, but I wanted to get opinions from all Dominants, thank you.)

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RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/28/2006 9:11:29 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

No, it wasn't and still isn't sometimes, to be myself. Most of this is due to what I learned as a child living in the south and from my mother. I learned things like:

The woman is the hostess; she serves the drinks, etc. etc.
The man grills.
The woman is responsible for the housework and cooking, etc. etc
The man is responsible for the yard and cars, etc. etc.
When a woman tells a man what to do, she being bitchy and domineering.
When a man does what a woman tells him to do, he's "hen pecked".
When someone is cleaning/working, you're being lazy if you don't help.

And so on...

So, I have to work on overcoming these programs, some more than others, in order to get closer to being the real me.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to misssubmisse)

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RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/28/2006 9:22:55 PM

misssubmisse

Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

MF70 - Thanks a lot for your reply, in the Master section I just read a similar theme about family, andit would make sense that he could be having problems breaking away from what the morals he was raised with. This helps a lot to hear from those with more time in the lifestyle confirming that it wasn't just a magical snap of the fingers into dominance and it seems like there's a transitional phase. It's comforting just to hear that

Thanks for taking time to reply, I appreciate it

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RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 5:28:05 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: misssubmisse

My question is was it always easy for the Dominants here to be Dominant in your relationships with people you sincerely cared for and loved?

My personality, whether nature or nurture, is dominant. I do believe it was shaped more by my life's experiences, and it's just who I am now, although time and maturity have allowed me to express myself better. I don't "think" about it, as it's all I know, for myself. It's easy for me to be me, but when it comes to a "relationship," I'm not looking to "dominant" someone throughout "their" daily life. I enjoy a man of character and strength that can command his own life, and share with me, in a way that we both enjoy. Sure I've got my dominant ways about me, and not looking to change that, but I enjoy a man with a personality similar to my own. The power struggle/exchange is exciting with the right man, and with the understanding that I win.

(Actually...we BOTH win!

)

K

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RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 6:48:28 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

I used to write BDSM-related stories and, remembering back to my first real life experiences, I remember feeling like I had failed as the dominant I had presented in the fantasies/stories I had written. When it came down to actually doing the things I had in my head, it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Many things came naturally to me, like bondage and humiliation, but some of the more intense activities never happened because of my hesitation.

Four years later and after a few more experiences, I am pretty much the dominant in my stories, enjoying the full range of activities that I wrote about with such excitement. For me it's been a process of finding the right sub and feeling more confident in myself overall that has allowed me to develop into the dominant that has been in my head from an early age.

At times it's been a bit of a challenge for me to feel "OK" about SM-related things like flogging and caning, because I'm not used to causing pain to anyone. I always openly communicate my feelings to my sub, and understanding that he wants to go further with things and that pain can be a turn-on for him helps me to progress in those activites.

Be well,
Julie

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RE: Was it Always Easy? - 1/29/2006 5:57:20 PM

misssubmisse

Posts: 106
Joined: 1/22/2006
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Thanks to everyone for your reply to this thread, this question is the reason I'm here really. Although we do have extremely open communication and have talked about everything we want in our relationship, I felt that if I could get "into his head" it would be an additional POV that could refect his own. Now I've been able to read from so many that it gives many more things for us to think about and talk about.

I'm mainly concerned that he doesn't believe me completely when i say that i want the same things that he does. I'd had "limits" in my mind that conflicted with things he'd told me he'd thought about doing and told him those as they came up. With more time, those limits faded, I trust him enough now that I don't feel I need to have those barriers up any longer. It seems that he's now stuck with what I had told him I did not want, which I love and appreciate in it's own way because it's the fact that he cares so much about making sure I'm enjoying what happens between that has allowed me to get to the point I'm at now.

My guess is that if we hadn't been a couple first, if it was just a D/s play relationship, he'd have no problem with having me say I'm ready for more, but because of the love there and his sensitivity toward me...now it's a roadblock.

Anyhow, I'm grateful for all of the replies and appreciate everyone who took the time to post, it helps. Things have progressed between us in the past few months and maybe it's just a pace he's travelling at and more will come. I'll keep talking with him along the way and do everything i can to keep him assured that we do want the same things. Thanks

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

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