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unknowndeviant -> looking for help (4/7/2009 10:10:12 AM)
Hi everyone, im here looking for some help on becoming a good master. if anyone has advice or maybe even be able to sugest something that might be in print that could help. i would ask for a mentor but i dont know if thats something that a person would be willing to do for someone on here. i am just asking for help and would love any and all that you people could give me on this.

Mercnbeth -> RE: looking for help (4/7/2009 10:27:21 AM)
quote: im here looking for some help on becoming a good master. if anyone has advice Answer these questions for yourself. It's an 'open book' test. Find as many examples and 'answers' as you can; looking MORE closely at the ones NOT representing your philosophy going into the process. Know yourself first then progress from there. These questions may help. Not a bad idea to journalize your answers for future reference as you gain knowledge and/or experience: How do you define 'master'? Why do you want to become a 'master'? As a 'master'; what is your goal? Describe your 'ideal' relationship What would you do if you were to become a 'master' over someone? Can you 'afford' to be a 'master'? (Not representing monetary assets, although you may have to consider $$$ contingent upon the dynamic you seek; but more pointed to being able to afford the mental and emotional responsibilities that come with being a 'master' over another.) WHY do you want to be a 'master'? (Needs to be answered twice - once going in, and again coming out and applied to the self assessment.) Nobody's answer will be relevant without you coming into the process with some personal benchmark of where you are. It helps to know that about yourself before starting a journey, 'master' or whatever label you seek validated, or help in obtaining. Have FUN! Good luck!

unknowndeviant -> RE: looking for help (4/7/2009 11:11:42 AM)
thank you Mercnbeth to answer some of the things you wrote. To me a master is someone who has control of ones self and is able to control others both mentaly and physicaly and to be able to take control of many different things. Why do i want to become a master? well i do like to have control of everything in my life no matter what it may be. I do not like to submit to anything. As a master my goal would be to control my girl friend "this is what she looks forword to me being able to do and wants me to totally dominate" im not here looking for someone else to control just looking for help. My ideal relationship is being able to not have to worry about someone straying looking for someone who can do the things im not able to do yet. If i was a master over someone? i have been looking and reading and researching on this before i even tried to start. in a way im just starting to be a master to my girlfriend i just need to become better and learn. I have always been there for her and have always delt with mental and emotional responsibilities that have come along. I know that to some these answers might not be good but this is what i am.

Kana -> RE: looking for help (4/7/2009 11:22:19 AM)
Be true to yourself.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: looking for help (4/7/2009 7:31:35 PM)
Mercnbeth and Kana both gave you fabulous advice! Here's my usual answer: Take time. Feel your way. Everyone makes mistakes, so regarding your own mistakes and those of your partner: be quick to apologize, forgive, learn and move on. Don't take yourself too seriously! Keep a good sense of humor. Be playful and joyous, and HAVE FUN!!! Make your partner feel relaxed, safe and comfortable with you, and deeply cared for by you, so that trust can grow and flourish between you. Your sub or slave will need plenty of reassurances that you care and will take very good care of her. Remember she may be new and inexperienced, and you may be putting her in some situations where she'll be very vulnerable. Calm here fears with your voice, touch and actions. Trust will grow over time, so go slow. Take time. Choose a sub who has a lot in common with you in vannila interests, and with whom you share similar views and have had similar experiences. Choose one whose kink matches yours,as much as possible. Talk about everything! And ASK QUESTIONS! That's all I've got now. maybe I'll think of more later.

RedMagic1 -> RE: looking for help (4/7/2009 7:54:01 PM)
Control yourself. Set goals, and achieve them. Barking orders can get subs hottt; but to inspire long-term loyalty, be good example.

DavanKael -> RE: looking for help (4/7/2009 8:04:37 PM)
I'm coming at this from a relationship perspective rather than a play partner perspective. What traits do you inherently have that can translate into being a Master? How does this stand to enhance your life and that of your partner(s)? What are the things that you currently view as impediments or limitations? What is your approach for mastering these traits within yourself? I think that you need to find out what you have that fits with what you want and build from there. Davan

Jeptha -> RE: looking for help (4/10/2009 10:06:25 AM)
If you flip through the "Unhappy Sub and Master in need of HELP " thread, you might get some additional thoughts. There might be some overlap. That thread was winding up as you posted your question, I think, so is probably somewhere close by.

antipode -> RE: looking for help (4/10/2009 11:09:51 AM)
quote: i would ask for a mentor What would help, pardon the pun, is if you share with us why you (think you) need help? And if you do need help, what with? I think the first help you need is reading through profiles on CM, and seeing what information others provide about themselves. You don't provide any, neither in this posting nor on your profile, and I absolutely never help anyone who can't or won't express their needs and circumstances up front, without being asked.

colouredin -> RE: looking for help (4/10/2009 12:38:45 PM)
FR Makes your own rules. Thats key, dont just blindly follow advice

MasterRaid -> RE: looking for help (4/10/2009 9:43:07 PM)
there are many areas of study that you can research. Websites, books, Message Boards. The whole key is if you wish to be a Dominant you have to keep learning. If you like I can forward a list or two of articles and whatnot for you to paruse at your own pace.

FrankAr -> RE: looking for help (4/11/2009 6:09:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: unknowndeviant Hi everyone, im here looking for some help on becoming a good master. if anyone has advice or maybe even be able to sugest something that might be in print that could help. i would ask for a mentor but i dont know if thats something that a person would be willing to do for someone on here. i am just asking for help and would love any and all that you people could give me on this. Greetings unknown, Just bear with me and my long winded answer for it falls into place, maybe after you have read it 20 times. Sometimes what I think feels so damn good and when I put it onto the screen it goes south, so just bear with it. I find that in being a Dom / Master / Owner the person MUST be themselves. If it takes you about 10 years to find the person whom you can bounce and have that little tingle with in just by touching each other with your hands, then it is worth it. Communication does not just come about overnight, it is WORK. It might be the first 10 females might find you a flake, does that mean you are not up for it, or does it mean that you and them did not match your criteria. I have found that early in my life, that being a Dom / Master / Owner is like bringing in an um into the world. Let us face it, no matter how many books you have read, how many la mars classes you went to, how many seminars, once you have that fragile person in your hand for the first wash in the hospital room, you are shaking and slow, making sure you do not hurt them. I mean the person is new to the world, and you have brought the person to makes sure that they live life to the best of your ability, that you will die for their life, etc. The first smelly nappy for the young um, you will just change it. The sleepless nights, you will just soothe them. This is how you should be in trying to be a Dom / Master / Owner. I mean you have to think on your feet. You really have to have 2-5 options for a situation that might happen, if it does not then so be it, but if it does you can handle it and just let it be a hurdle and not a brick wall. Make sure you have communication with the female, make a list soon after meeting, then see if you both match. If you have 100 things and 2 don't match, than that is cool, unless one is oral then put that back in...LOLOL. You just have to take every day, one at a time. If you have control over things in such a way that you can set goals for maybe 10 months ahead, then so be it. If you can't, then DON'T, you can loose your word towards the other person and that is sometimes a deal breaker. Most inportantly, have fun. Be well. Frank Ar.

kiwisub12 -> RE: looking for help (4/11/2009 6:43:19 AM)
Read books on body language. Be able to tell what your sub is thinking without them saying it by how they hold their body and look. It is amazing to me that my Sir can tell how i am feeling two seconds inside the door, and it is all by body language. And if you are a sadist, it will help you even more when sessioning - to be able to tell where your sub is just by watching them. Being a dom is not for the lazy or the faintofheart. After being in a D/s relationship 24/7 for the past three years, i am in awe at my Sirs ability to stay focused on what he wants, and has demanded. He doesn't have a lot of rules in place, but the ones he has, he keeps an eye on for consistancy on my part. I don't think i have ever seen him be too tired to be dom. because that isn't something he puts on, it is an integral part of who he is - he could no more not be dominant than breath.

greeneyedreamer -> RE: looking for help (4/11/2009 9:30:58 AM)
quote: rust will grow over time, so go slow. Take time. Choose a sub who has a lot in common with you in vannila interests, and with whom you share similar views and have had similar experiences. Choose one whose kink matches yours,as much as possible. Talk about everything! And ASK QUESTIONS! I second everything on this thread, especially ASK QUESTIONS!!!!!

SirMoi -> RE: looking for help (4/23/2009 3:34:43 PM)
In my humble opinion, it's impossible to become a 'Master' unless you are involved in real life situations. You can't do it in cyberland. Having said that, get involved in your local bdsm community and identify a Dom who appears to have everyone's respect, and who has a good reputation for integrity and skill in his craft. Watch and listen to that person as much as you possibly can. Perhaps try to get his attention and see if he will offer you personal advice. Focus first on being a good Top, which means that you go to work on your skills (flogger, rope, etc). As you develop your skills, try to find a play partner on whom you can practice. As I worked on my flogging proficiency, my Mentor bottomed for me. Talk about pressure to do it right!!! LOL At the same time, and with permission from their Doms, ask many, many submissives what it means to them to be properly dominated. They'll have better information for you than many Doms will. Doms will teach you technique but subs will teach you the psychology behind loving domination and what makes them happy. You want a happy sub, don't you? Finally, don't be in a rush to be a 'Master'. I don't think many people would have much confidence in the Captain of their 747 passenger jet if he's someone who got his pilot's license yesterday and has little experience. It takes a pilot a LONG time before he qualifies for that assignment. When you think of the term 'Master', think of someone who has taken the time to develop his skills and who has earned the respect of his local bdsm community. That's what you should strive for, not an instant title that may ring hollow. I'm sure that every bdsm group has a brand new person who anoints himself with the title, 'Lord Master Muckety Muck'. Don't go there. Work on your craft first.

slave2train4pain -> RE: looking for help (4/23/2009 5:36:35 PM)
From a sub/slave side be honest at all times. A good relationship needs trust which takes a while to build up but can be broken on a second!

leadership527 -> RE: looking for help (4/23/2009 8:18:08 PM)
yeah, what Merc said. I'd especiall like to highlight his point #3... as a 'master' what is your goal? One of the fundamental truisms of leadership of any stripe is that you can't lead if you're not going anywhere. So some girl drops to her knees and pledges her entire self to you eternally. Great... you got a girl. The question now becomes, what are you going to do with her? The scope of your goals and plans had better match the scope of the submission in question.

Interesdom -> RE: looking for help (4/24/2009 7:34:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth These questions may help. Not a bad idea to journalize your answers for future reference as you gain knowledge and/or experience: How do you define 'master'? Why do you want to become a 'master'? As a 'master'; what is your goal? Describe your 'ideal' relationship What would you do if you were to become a 'master' over someone? Can you 'afford' to be a 'master'? (Not representing monetary assets, although you may have to consider $$$ contingent upon the dynamic you seek; but more pointed to being able to afford the mental and emotional responsibilities that come with being a 'master' over another.) WHY do you want to be a 'master'? (Needs to be answered twice - once going in, and again coming out and applied to the self assessment.) I think that if submissives/slaves asked these sorts of questions of potential masters or mistresses they would learn a great deal and make much more rational decisions. The same the other way around, too. Instead, I often find a huge lack of questioning from a prospective submissive and even an unwillingness to answer searching questions.

FangsNfeet -> RE: looking for help (4/24/2009 8:51:26 AM)
Another tip. Don't dish out what you can't take. It can help you not go "to far" with someone.

masterlink65 -> RE: looking for help (4/25/2009 7:30:35 PM)
you have to be in self control before you can control others

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