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Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/7/2009 7:29:22 PM

Hoshi

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/13/2009
Status: offline

I am a submissive...have been for years. I have only ever served men though. That is my issue. I have had girlfriends, but none that were into the lifestyle. I guess because it is so hard to find gay, queer, bisexual, whatever you want to call them, women in the lifestyle. I miss being with a woman and I am going nuts trying to find someone that would be interested in friendship, dating, and play. I don't want a one night stand Dominatrix. I want a lover that I can serve.

Okay after rambling on...my question is, "Where have all the good women gone?" or "How can one find a Mistress?"

Post #: 1

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/7/2009 8:32:40 PM

LAgirlsub

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/16/2009
Status: offline

Hoshi, I'd make the first simple suggestion...post a picture or two and look around on this site. It's not easy but to my surprise, there are more women around involved in this lifestyle then I thought (but of course I'm in LA).

As probably many people suggest, if there is a munch in your area go to one.

I haven't been with a dom woman yet myself (and I'm gay not bi) but hopefully one of these LA dom women will actually want to meet up sometime. So put yourself out there in the best way possible (such as put up some photos) and get involved if you have local groups.

(in reply to Hoshi)

Post #: 2

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/7/2009 8:48:00 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Hi, and welcome to the forums. This question comes up a lot, though I think this might be the first time I've seen a woman asking. However, the same general principles apply when it comes to answering. First, since you're new, you might want to check out the Search feature. You can search old threads for almost any topic and read what people have said about it.

Second, you find a dominant woman the same way you find any other woman -- persistence and patience. I took a peek at your profile and I noticed it's pretty short. As a FemDom, one thing I like to see is a detailed, articulate profile. I like to know about the person -- not jusk kink, but also vanilla interests, hobbies, tastes in books, that sort of thing. I also want to know what sort of relationship the other person is looking for. Are you more interested in casual play or do you want a life partner? Do you want to be submissive only on weekends or would you prefer 24/7 TPE? Are you a bedroom sub or are you service oriented? What's your ideal age range for your dominant or will any age work? You might want to add more information to your profile.

If you don't have a picture in your profile, you should consider sending one with your message. Most people like to have an idea of how the other person looks. You don't have to get dressed up or send nudes; a photo of you in clean, casual clothing is fine. In my case, a person's eyes and smile are important and I want to see photos of them. When you read a profile and decide to make contact, it's important to read the profile carefully. Does what you want match what she wants? Do you share similar interests? If you both like Thai food or Charles Dickens novels, you should mention it in your message. This shows that you've taken the time to read her profile and you're not sending the same generic email to everyone.

Those are some general tips that might help you. Mostly, you just have to have patience. The woman will come along when the time is right.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Hoshi)

Post #: 3

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/7/2009 9:19:50 PM

Hoshi

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/13/2009
Status: offline

Thank you both so much for the help. I have just uploaded a couple of photos. I also added some information, but as it is late I am going to add more in the morning. I would like to ask a few more questions and such, but I must be off to bed...

Thanks again!

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 4

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/7/2009 9:23:05 PM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

After looking at your profile, keep in mind finding a dominant woman interested in playing with someone already married to a man might be harder than if you were single. Many of us want someone who is free to be our pets without worrying about their attachment to others. There are a few open to poly but they are harder to find. You are wading into a very shallow pool of potential partners. Your best bet would be to be out and going to events and meeting people face to face. Make sure you are open and honest about what you are looking for and it isnt mission impossible. You just need patience.

DV

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(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 5

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/7/2009 9:23:23 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

You're welcome. A profile is a work in progress. Mine has changed over time as my desires, expectations, and life circumstances have changed. Don't feel you have to make yours perfect on the first try.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Hoshi)

Post #: 6

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/7/2009 10:21:19 PM

Hoshi

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/13/2009
Status: offline

In answer to VampiresLair...I suppose my problem is that I'm not looking for someone that feels they must worry about my husband. I am married, yes this is true, but my husband is completely aware of what I seek and has asked me to keep looking when my patience runs low. He supports me. He also wishes no part romantically with anyone I meet. His only request is that we all be friends that are open and honest and respectful of one another. ..I'm not sure how to explain what I truly deeply desire. I want someone who wants to sleep in our king size bed just so I can feel the two people I love so close to me, I want someone that wants to sit and have dinner with US not just me. I know I am asking a lot, but she must be out there. I won't give up hope!

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 7

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 12:22:20 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

u have and open relationship (marriage) and it sounds like u want to be polyamorous w/ a secondary relationship...ur hubby is ur primary...
so u want something similar to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary_and_secondary_(relationship) maybe?

just my

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to Hoshi)

Post #: 8

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 1:18:19 AM

DelilahDeb

Posts: 429
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

You may also find some useful discussions on the Polyamory board. Your situation along with just about every other possible combo of threes, fours, and mores has likely been touched upon.

Lady Delilah Deb
single and dominant and poly

_____________________________

"All acts of love & pleasure are My rituals."
--from the Charge of the Goddess, a Wiccan teaching

(in reply to MsDDom)

Post #: 9

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 5:58:48 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

I gotta say...it's kinda obvious why this is gonna be a hard, long search...and for exactly the same reasons it's a hard long search for men.

Dommes, more often than not, don't like to share. That whole romantic notion of having all three of you sleeping in the bed is gonna be a neat trick when the Domme in question decides, after a night of play and the resulting possessiveness (it happens Ladies and you all know it), that your husband needs to go sleep on the couch in the other room and you on the floor. Because that's what she wants!

Seriously, Dommes aren't often attracted to already attached property-potential because already attached means they have other obligations to another relationship and no matter how smoothly you plan things, she's gonna call at somepoint and want you over "now" and you're gonna be in the middle of date night with hubby. Most Dommes will avoid this type of potential conflict like the plague. Let's not mention the potential for the rise of feelings like "you only find time to serve me when you're bored with your husband"...true or not true in the moment...these things will come up and a Domme isn't foolish enough not to think about it before hand when approached by a married female.

Seriously, I'm not saying who you're looking for isn't out there, I'm just saying hunker down cuz it's gonna be a long ass ride to getting where you want to be.

boi
future ruler of the Universe serving MsKitty

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(in reply to DelilahDeb)

Post #: 10

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 6:13:16 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Wow. Your profile has changed really drastically since the first time I opened this thread and looked at what it had to say. Yesterday you said you were exploring your dominant tendencies and looking for a switch who wanted to submit to you. Now you're looking for a domme who wants to be the third wheel in your relationship with a husband.

So...uh...yeah. Good luck with that. I can't possibly assess your chances of finding the right person; I can only say that what you are offering would never appeal to me personally. I suspect the problem isn't that lesbian and bisexual dommes are rare, it's that most of us aren't looking to play second fiddle to men.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 11

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 8:19:12 AM

Hoshi

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/13/2009
Status: offline

I don't want anyone to play second fiddle. I want someone that gets along with my husband enough that they feel comfortable playing along side him. He is dominant in nature and I submit to him, but we don't have a 24/7 TPE. Apparently, I'm a lost cause and you all think I might as well give up now.

Thanks for all your help though. You have all given some great suggestions.

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 12

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 8:36:22 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

quote:

Seriously, Dommes aren't often attracted to already attached property-potential because already attached means they have other obligations to another relationship

...on a side bar; BoiJen this is such a profound statement that many married folks dont understand, yet still attempt to enter a lifestyle "relationship"--much to their failure and the frustration of the Domme...

...carry on

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 13

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 8:40:22 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

quote:

He is dominant in nature and I submit to him

then perhaps he should seek out the "partner" u desire...unless u r trying to play sub to both him and a Mistress? then your hubby would have to "get involved" or will be involved in some of that dynamic...........blah-blah-blah, i lost my train of thought, damn jack-hammering outside!!

when it comes to me i will edit this entry...(SIGH)

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to Hoshi)

Post #: 14

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 8:53:37 AM

Hoshi

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/13/2009
Status: offline

MsDDom, I completely agree. My husband plans to be involved. I wish to "play sub" to both him and a Mistress. I don't understand why he wouldn't be involved....

(in reply to MsDDom)

Post #: 15

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 9:08:58 AM

Bella1965

Posts: 285
Joined: 12/12/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

G'morning all:

OP, stop whining. Your perspective and reality are quite skewed. No one has insisted that you give up your search. They have in fact, given you many good suggestions. You're so caught up in your wants, needs, and views that you can't see the forest for the trees.

Dominants by nature are generally greedy. By example, I am as well. I have a submissive and a slave. Neither is allowed to have romantic, sexual or play relationships other than me or whom I dictate. They understood and accepted this when they decided to be part of my life. I refuse to "play second fiddle" to anyone, ever. I don't share my men, except with each other. I want all their focus, energy, and efforts directed to me alone. In my experience and observations, I find this to be true of most dominants.

As Boi suggested, hunker down for a long ride. Having your cake and eating it too is not going to be an easy situation to obtain.

Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...

Bella

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!

(in reply to Hoshi)

Post #: 16

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 9:21:05 AM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hoshi

MsDDom, I completely agree. My husband plans to be involved. I wish to "play sub" to both him and a Mistress. I don't understand why he wouldn't be involved....

See, that statement in itself speaks volumes. I personally am not interested in someone that wishes to *play sub* to myself and the sub's S.O. I only wish to have someone that *IS* sub to me, and to hell with sharing that with someone's S.O.

BoiJen had it correct from the get-go, IMHO

(in reply to Hoshi)

Post #: 17

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 9:56:55 AM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

I might suggest that the two of you get involved in the local munch. You might be able to find a female dominant friend who might occasionally play with the two of you. That's about as much help as I can offer.

I actually have something of a relationship like this going; I have a girlfriend, sleep with both her and her husband when we all feel interested, and occasionally do some play with her at parties or whenever. But we're all very happy with it being a secondary occasional thing, and not the main focus of our lifestyle.

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(in reply to MamaDomme1)

Post #: 18

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 9:57:54 AM

Hoshi

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/13/2009
Status: offline

When I said "play sub" I was using her words from her post. I don't "play" at what I do. I'm sorry that you misunderstood.

(in reply to MamaDomme1)

Post #: 19

RE: Is my Mistress out there...? - 4/8/2009 10:01:41 AM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hoshi

When I said "play sub" I was using her words from her post. I don't "play" at what I do. I'm sorry that you misunderstood.

Ah ha! I see. Damned difficult to convey the intent behind the typed words sometimes.

(in reply to Hoshi)

Post #: 20

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