At a loss. (Full Version)

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Sunnyfey -> At a loss. (4/8/2009 3:29:34 AM)

I have a problem with forgetting things.

Lets rephrase that, I have a bad case of A.D.D.  I was diagnosed at 12. I was on every kind of concoction of medication they could think of. If it worked, it had the horrible side effect of making me sick at the thought of food. If I could eat, it didn't work. So at present, I'm not on the medication for fear of my health, as I'm all ready pretty underweight.

Anyway, I have a problem of forgetting thing on a very regular basis. Even having reminders on my phone doesn't help much, as I'll turn the alarm off and...pretty quickly forget about whatever it was for. Repeating reminders don't really work either, I don't really respond at all to auditory reminders . Anyway, it's causing a lot of problems for me and Daddy. He's tried to help me, but we haven't found anything that really works. I asked him to write me a list of things for me to do, but, things change so often in our life, we don't have a routine. So lists arnt helpful, in reguards to me perse. Like, he can write a list for his day, but writing one for me is, well. He said he cant make a list for me, since the stuff at the house changes, or the things he wants me to do change. I dont know...I dont really understand his point on that. I've tried writing a list for myself, I generally misplace it. Or forget it...or whatever. I dont know how to explain it but when other write me a list of things to do, well. I do it. It just works. Thats sounds really weird! And like an excuse...but honestly thats the only thing I ever found that works for me.

I dont know what to do.




InTonguesslave -> RE: At a loss. (4/8/2009 4:59:09 AM)

ive just lost  my 'to do list' - so you have company on that one.  ive decided to have a book, maybe even a diary - maybe you could suggest to youre Daddy that he put things down in this diary for you.

seems to me that you want to get the better of this and if he wants you to as well, then a diary rather than a list that might change from day to day would work better.

it wouldnt take long for him to check the tasks for the next day, amend if necessary - presumably a pattern would emerge as well that you could see starting to grow, like mondays are laundry days, etc.,

the more i think about it the more i like this idea, definitely going to suggest it to Sir [:)] - good luck



chamberqueen -> RE: At a loss. (4/8/2009 5:25:23 AM)

I'm sure that this is frustrating for both you and your Daddy. 

I've lived with a chronically forgetful person.  I found that establishing certain routines is very helpful.  For instance, he was always losing his wallet.  We designated a particular shelf as his wallet shelf and when he would walk in the door I would ask him if he had put his wallet on his shelf.  Within a couple of weeks he was remembering to do it on his own.  That could work with sunglasses, your cell phone, car keys or whatever.  If something always goes in the same place then very little memory is needed - it goes into a longer term memory instead of short term.

The same can work with lists.  Perhaps the two of you could talk at night and you could find out the things he wanted done the next day.  He will need to think ahead and be specific in order to help you.  Write it down, make sure you understand each thing, then put the note on the refrigerator or some other place it will be easy to find.  Be consistent with where you put it.  If it helps use something like a Post It note that you can carry out to the car with you and stick it on the steering wheel so that when you get back in the car after driving to work or wherever it is once again in your face.  You can use different colored notes for different things.  (I did this for someone I was helping to take care of.  Once color was for doctor appointments, another for things she needed to accomplish, etc.)

Knowing that you can't help but forget things should motivate him to help you if he really wants the things to be done.  Some things can easily be set into a routine and posted on a schedule - for instance, vacuum every Monday, or change the sheets every Saturday.  Other things will be more like floaters.  It's the floaters that he will need to remind you of.  It will take both of you working together to do this.

Knowing that you have this problem should make him want to work with you on it if he expects things to get done. 



eyesopened -> RE: At a loss. (4/8/2009 5:39:43 AM)

Some people just work better with routines and if you are living in an ever-changing situation, you will have to set some kind of routine for yourself.

Making a list is good, but if you keep forgetting because you cannot do something on the list that exact moment and forget about it, then perhaps leaving yourself visual clues.

For me, it's not a matter of forgetting, it's a matter of working with my Master's schedule.  I'm an early morning person and He sleeps later so while it would normally be my habit to run a load of clothes upon waking up, the laundry area is adjacent to our bedroom and I don't want to disturb His sleep.  So that I won't forget about it later, I take the laundry hamper out of the closet and place it in plain view in front of the laundry room door.  I do the same thing with the vacuum, the coffee filter for the evening coffee so that I will not forget.  I set up the coffee-maker so that when He gets home from work all He has to do is press the 'brew' button.  Maybe visual clues like this could help you?



xxblushesxx -> RE: At a loss. (4/8/2009 7:30:16 AM)

I agree with the above. I have add, and before being with HM, I found it impossible to have a routine. I am very scattered, yet get so extremely focused on one thing, that I forget everything else.
Having a routine will help.
Yes, he can write you a list, and either text you, call you or email you throughout the day with more info.
You should be accountable (at least until you're used to it) for letting him know as the chores for the day are complete.
A house without order is chaos, as is a mind without order.
It's very helpful to be with someone who understands *why* you forget, even if they don't like it.
Another thing that might help would be a mini-recorder, that way he or you could tape your list, and you can make "notes" to yourself as you complete your tasks.
A journal will also help you to see a pattern in your life even if you don't right now.
Good luck!!!



Zechriel -> RE: At a loss. (4/9/2009 3:59:00 AM)

Good morning!
I sympathize with you darling, my son has ADHD-so they say- but his issue is impulse control. Hubby retired again from work(twice now) so he is home as well my my mom who lives with us. Pure Chaos. I find that it takes time and persistence into getting into anything. Start small-a very basic routine for the day. Write is down and display it well, this should include everyhting that MUST be done-like dishes, brushing teeth (I'm going from my kids here so bear with me, lol) I even broke it down into "Morning chores" "Afternoon chores" and "evening chores" When they get all three categories done for the day they get a star...so many stars equal allowance. mayeb you could try soemthing like that with Daddy doing something special for you each day or each week-as you get things done.

A dry erase board will be broken into 3 categories for each kid listing additional chores for the day-such as cleaning pet cages, sweeping both staircases, etc etc. Then I erase them as completed-again displayed well. Maybe you could amend it for your day like laundry, or cleaning windows, or organizing the attic-porch-deck. etc

Finally, cause my house is so big and old, I have a personal book that divides it into 5 "zones" like Master bedrooms, parlor, kitchen etc. From each Zone it is further broken down into days of the week (Monday -Thrusday...Friday being my free day without restrictions) Each day is assigned 2-3 chores like if it is the dining room...Monday is polishing all the woodwork, Tuesday is cleaning windows and class fronts, Wed is inventorying the butler's closet for a shopping trip, Thursday(always the last day) is for vacuuming and mopping. Friday can be anything extra that needs it or any emergencies that come up-like company coming.  But this Major Zone list is for me and I scratch it off each day.

If I stick to my lists-meaning no outside influences disturb me-lol- I can usually be done with chores around noon. And if anything disturbs me, that leaves me to postpone it to Friday :) Just seems to me like you need help being micromanaged-like my son. You should really have a long talk with your Daddy so that he understands this and is on board, you cannot do it alone! once he understands the help he must give and be committed to it, it should be much easier. Sometimes he will forget-like my hubby forgets to check their chores-and all hell will break loose cause I get frustrated at him, but make sure it gets right back on schedule the next day. And if a day goes bad like that-remember "each day starts again in the morning" Good luck darling ::big hugs::
Love,
Zechriel  [sm=needahug.gif]



DesFIP -> RE: At a loss. (4/9/2009 7:44:38 PM)

White board on the desk.
When the alarm rings, check the white board for what to do.

Set up a routine, if he can't help, ask someone else to help you set it up. And he needs to learn that he has to abide by the routine also if things are going to get done.

Notes on the door reminding you to lock it, note on the steering wheel reminding you to buckle. Put a permanent note up on everything you need reminders of.



FangsNfeet -> RE: At a loss. (4/9/2009 11:31:36 PM)

A note pad and Muscle Memory works best for me. When I forget to do something that I wrote down then I knock out atleast fifty pushups and flutter kicks. If my brain isn't going to think, then my sore body will.



RedMagic1 -> RE: At a loss. (4/10/2009 4:10:26 AM)

Sunnyfey, what is your sleep pattern at night?



sirsholly -> RE: At a loss. (4/10/2009 4:59:31 AM)

quote:

we don't have a routine.
perhaps a routine will help? Also, a day planner and nothing else...no sticky notes, etc. Everything goes into the day planner and it stays with you at all times [:)]



AnnaOfAramis -> RE: At a loss. (4/10/2009 5:26:59 AM)

Zechriel, this is wonderful advice.

I provide ABA services to autistic kids and so I spend a lot of time in and out of various special needs classrooms. A white board will work, but one other thing I have seen that is very nifty is a pocket chart. You can get these in any teacher supply store. It is a large material chart with lots of little see through pockets on it. The teacher types up certain phrases that are part of the schedule- such as "circle time" "language arts" "lunch" or whatever and she has a series of times "10:45- 11:15", "12:30-12:45," all typed up and laminated. You simply put these in the chart every day according to what that day's schedule holds. You can have laminated smiley faces or something to slide into the pockets to keep track of the things that have been done.

Absolutely right on the rewards thing. What I do with the kids I teach, is I verbally reward them the moment they perform the behavior I am looking for. Some of them (depending what reinforcement schedule they are on) also might get an m&m along with the praise. Others will get a token instead and then 6 tokens will equal something they like. I have a variety of choices of reinforcers that they can choose from, and i ask them to choose what they are working for next. I have pictures of these things laminated, and I put it on the board. Don't overlook the usefulness of velcro for sticking things to charts either:)

regards,

anna



Lockit -> RE: At a loss. (4/10/2009 1:29:20 PM)

My one son was extremely hyper and ADD, my other is brain damaged and I have some brain damage from stroke.  Talk about impulsive and forgetful!  We have tried everything!  I will use a post it note or book of list and forget to look at them or just not see them as I whirl by.  The only thing that has worked was a pattern and repeating everything until it become automatic and then adding more to it or a free time to get to the list of things or new things that need to be done.  But we couldn't do it until there was a pattern first.

If I don't talk to someone every day for a while, I will forget to contatct them.  I can even think of them and think I need to contact them and forget again.  If someone or it isn't right in front of me... it is gone! lol

Using this method with my son who had no short term memory and few long term and then learning that through patterns he could form long term memories, he is now able to do more because he automatically responds because of the pattern.  It gives you a foothold and then you can add more.

I wish you both luck with this... hang in there and don't beat yourself up or you will forget more.



antipode -> RE: At a loss. (4/10/2009 10:41:34 PM)

quote:

I have a problem with forgetting things.


From what you write, I get the feeling it is more of a medical problem than anything else. One of the problems with an existing diagnosis, whatever that is, is that subsequent symptoms get ascribed to that ailment first, both a patient and a doctor will do that, and sometimes don't progress beyond that. My memory issues began when I had chemotherapy, over 20 years ago, and I eventually learned to work around them, with help from doctors. You might benefit from simply getting new medical advice, not assuming your memory lapses are directly ADD related, seeing a neurologist, if you haven't, etc. Otherwise, while you may have tried every medication under the sun, new ones are invented every week, so don't give that up. It's a drag, but you're going to have to find a way to cope with the symptoms, if that's what they are, and only you can do that, and you do that by persevering. It is a long and arduous road, but it is the only one you have.

Best of luck..



greeneyedreamer -> RE: At a loss. (4/11/2009 12:33:52 AM)

I have found using an online journal /calendar and using it to keep communications is a very easy way to not lose the papers or for get them. Check them when you get up and when you go to bed. You can even remind yourself of something you didn' t get to.

Works for me..



SimplyMichael -> RE: At a loss. (4/11/2009 6:41:48 AM)

Fey,

I feel for you AND your master.  Reminding and making lists only to have them forgotten gets old quick and undermines both the dynamic and the relationship.

However, since you two live together, I think there is hope.  One thing you need to learn is what learning methods DO work best.  For me, I need to hear it most and then write it down but that only gets so far.  It seems for you, having him create the list is what you need.

Consistency is the key both in routine and the methods used to remind you of things.  I write lots of stuff down and have only ONE notebook so everything is in one place. 

He needs to understand that if he wants you to complete tasks, he is going to have to create, enforce, and commit long term to creating some structure for you.  Not only that, he is going to have to deal with you as a petulant child in some ways as he forces you back into that structure again and again.  While it will get easier, it will never be "done" and he will have to be patient, both in the short and long term.



pinkwind -> RE: At a loss. (4/11/2009 12:59:29 PM)

Have you tried the forums on sites that cater to your particular disorder? i think you might get better help from a more focused audience.




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