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wantstlc -> Dommes (1/29/2006 7:05:55 AM)

How did you first get into the scene and did it all come naturally to you i am a novice Domme and would appreciate some help



MstrssPassion -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 7:47:53 AM)

For me it came naturally.

Even when others attempted to push me in a direction of being a switch or a submissive first, it did not feel right to me. I could be a bottom if someone went through the mechanics of using a tool on me, but as soon as they attempted to get into my head my dominant mind would take hold of the situation & a lot of times they were the one tasting the sting & often loving every second of it.

For me, there is nothing about me that could ever be submissive. It goes against every natural instinct I have.

Those people I knew early on came to realize this quickly & they too learned from my interactions with them. They learned that not everyone has to start out at the bottom.

Many people still practice this right of passage & I support their beliefs. I have known many fine dominants who spent many years as a bottom/sub/slave before venturing into being a dominant.

I mention this because I read your profile, you discovered this about yourself as well. You naturally figured out that this was not the place for you & I would bet that you will naturally figure out your place in this with time & experience. You are already doing the best thing you can do, ask questions.



MHOO314 -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 7:50:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: wantstlc

How did you first get into the scene and did it all come naturally to you i am a novice Domme and would appreciate some help



I was naturally Dominant but discovered the D/s side ages ago, hiding the fact that I loved to rope up My bf at the time and see crop marks on his butt--I thought I was soooooo perverted--then I saw the Story of O and was like OMG, I am not supposed to be the one Dominating--after that I buried that for a few years--that didn't work--then I discovered the "Loving Dominant" the first IMHO textbook--and a "Different kind of Loving"---both of those helped be affirm, reaffirm and develop what I was--then the rest was toy buying, skill development and dogged determination.

I also had a few mentors along the way--BOTH Dominant (Doms and Dommes) and submissives.



thetammyjo -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 8:00:43 AM)

Its very natural for me but natural in a teacher/protect sort of dominant way.

I was raise to be very much the opposite in my family, raised to be a victim and a servant but that just didn't work at all with my personality. As you might imagine it created many external and internal problems that I've had to deal with once I became an adult.

I feel most complete and most real when I am in a clearly defined Ds relationship because I feel free to be myself not fight off social or family expectations. This is also a big reason while I am most comfortable teaching too I think.




LadyKim -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 8:55:13 AM)

Dominance and submission are really 'natural' traits. Everyone has a dominant and/or submissive side (see I didn't forget the switches! [;)] ). However, the execution of how it pertains to the lifestyle and what to do with the other party is what might not come so naturally.

What women didn't learn the poem "Sugar and spice and everything nice, that is what little girls are made of"? We are taught from childhood to be sweet, nice, kind, and grow up to be the nurturers. It has been that way for decades, so the idea of binding a man's cock and balls to do painful things to them steps outside that training. It is natural to second guess yourself and if you are being reasonable with what you are doing or wanting to do with someone. It is what aids us in being able to keep the line between painful play and abuse of power.

Best advice I can give is:
1. Always be 100% true to yourself while keeping the health (emotional, physical, mental, and spirtual) of the submissive in mind.
2. Network with other dominants to find out what they enjoy doing with their submissives.
3. Attend bdsm functions to observe play, attend classes, demos, or workshops to get fresh ideas and technic advice.
4. Of course always practice on something without synopse functions before trying a new form of play on a human.
5. Communicate, communicate...... did I mention..... COMMUNICATE
6. Remember that being dominant is not being domineering, and there is not a bitchy requirement either.
7. Remember that you can always push a little further; however, once trustis broken you will never be able to go back to where you were BEFORE the trust was broken. So, don't feel like you have to always push the envelope.
8. Find things you and your submissive enjoy to research and explore together.......... but remember to use common sense when reading lifestyle stories. The 'Story of O', 'Beauty Trilogy' by Anne Rice, Amanda Ware's 'Bound' series, etc are FICTIONAL stories; therefore, not everything in them is practical for real life application and may need to be modified.
9. Be sure to find people who have truly physically experienced this lifestyle to get ideas from. People an do anything in their fantasies; however, flesh, bone, heartbeats, and blood limit our capabilities dramatically.
10. ENJOY yourself! Don't make it all work.

Just my two and a half cents.
MzKim



Real0ne -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 1:50:21 PM)

The way i see it there is no such thing as a truly domnant or submissive for that matter.

No matter how dominant a person is they are still subject to the laws of whatever country they are in and thus submissive to them and the government that made them. If they sass a cop they submit to being thrown in jail just like a submissive would.

Likewise a submissive if being ripped off by a car salesman wont hestitate to put on the dominant hat and take measures to prevent it or get compensation thus the submissive is dominant in this case.

i think we all have certain areas where we are dom or sub based on the situation we are in at the time, who we are with, and therefore, in the end we are just people expressing ourselves in power play with in our personal relationships.

i think people tend to think of themselves dom(me) or sub based on their status in the relationship moreso than life in general if all things are considered.

i also think that a person evolves into most things, or grows into or out of different things during the course of their lifes. some at a very young age and some at later stages in life for any given subject.

i think the most important thing to keep in mind and never lose site that like any relationship dom(me)/sub top/bottom, or just plain kinky, that it is a shared experience for both.

So you need to examine what you are to youraelf and how the world around you would perceive you. and it really is in the big picture unimportant how you arrived at being whatever it is you wish to be. The important thing for you is if it is right for you, and that can only really be done by experimenting. Dont ever try to force round you into a square hole so to speak.

If it feels like you it probly is :)

rgds
r1





MistressW -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 2:51:57 PM)



I would like to thank you all for your quick responses to my question I feel that i have chosen the right path for myself to be Domme but isnt there a lot to learn and yes I have read books "the new topping book, and the loving dominant am hoping to get a copy of Screw the roses send me the thorns but wow its a hard book to obtain.

My subbie was a switch but has recently broken up with his ex Mistress about 8 months ago he was a switch but he is predominately submissive so may i ask another question please does it matter if he helps me to achieve what we want yes we do communicate - i suppose its down to what W/we want at the end but topping from the bottom isnt really what i want

I have attended a munch recently and was very enjoyable and picked up a few tips - there isnt a right or wrong way but being Domme is for me can anyone recommend a good site for creating scenes

Thank you all once again




LadyKim -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 6:25:59 PM)

RealOne,

I have to strongly disagree with you. Having been active in this lifestyle for almost close to 20 years now, I have found that being dominant and/or submissive are very natural traits.

Being dominant does not mean you go around sassing police officers, bitching out judges, bitch slapping the grocer, or demeaning the world at large. If someone believes that is their right in the world as a 'dominant', then they are living in Locoville. Being dominant does not mean being a bully or a witch. It means you enjoy being in control, and understand the limitations on what and who you can direct.

MzKim



michaelGA -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 6:32:05 PM)

i agree with You MzKim.

speaking from a submissive's point of view, speaking out against a wrong as mentioned...i.e. being ripped off by a car dealer...doesn't make us any less submissive. i don't think even a slave would stand for that...

(did i miss a point here?)



LadyKim -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 6:33:00 PM)

MistressW,

There are some who will engage their submissives in helping them learn their role as a dominant; however, it is not the wisest course of action. Would you ask your secretary to train you to do a management job? Or ask your child to teach you how to parent? In relationships, it is invariable that the people in your life will have an impact on it and teach you things along the way; however, if you want his respect, then you have to do what it takes to find this out on your own to some degree.

If you are looking for scene ideas, then feel free to contact me via email on collarme and I'll share some good starter material with you. You may also wish to read some bdsm books or online stories, or even rent some bdsm videos. I know I have gotten some ideas from them over the years. I don't follow a script when I play; however, I will take certain ideas that I have read or seen and adapt them for my own purposes then allow the scene to grow from there. Honestly though, talking with other dominants and going to play parties are the best place to get ideas to start with.

Good luck,
MzKim



MistressDREAD -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 6:39:17 PM)



quote:

Being dominant does not mean you go around sassing police officers, bitching out judges, bitch slapping the grocer, or demeaning the world at large. If someone believes that is their right in the world as a 'dominant', then they are living in Locoville. .

Your right Kim thats not a Dominant, thats a Sadist or a Humiliationist and still a part of Our Lifestyle. I would not tag either as from Locoville.

I came from Saint Elizabeth..............[:'(]



Real0ne -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 6:46:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyKim

RealOne,

I have to strongly disagree with you. Having been active in this lifestyle for almost close to 20 years now, I have found that being dominant and/or submissive are very natural traits.

Being dominant does not mean you go around sassing police officers, bitching out judges, bitch slapping the grocer, or demeaning the world at large. If someone believes that is their right in the world as a 'dominant', then they are living in Locoville. Being dominant does not mean being a bully or a witch. It means you enjoy being in control, and understand the limitations on what and who you can direct.

MzKim



i guess i should have chosen my words more carefully. Thats not the way i meant that. the point i was trying ot convey is that there are many situations in real life where a dominant is not in control just as there are situations where a sub or slave must take control. SOrry for the confusion.

r1



MistressDREAD -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 6:50:03 PM)



wantstlc
click My

♥~smiles evily~♥



Smythe -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 6:56:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressW



I would like to thank you all for your quick responses to my question I feel that i have chosen the right path for myself to be Domme but isnt there a lot to learn and yes I have read books "the new topping book, and the loving dominant am hoping to get a copy of Screw the roses send me the thorns but wow its a hard book to obtain.

My subbie was a switch but has recently broken up with his ex Mistress about 8 months ago he was a switch but he is predominately submissive so may i ask another question please does it matter if he helps me to achieve what we want yes we do communicate - i suppose its down to what W/we want at the end but topping from the bottom isnt really what i want





Mistress W: You've gotten some really excellent advice here already and I don't want to repeat what others have said. I just want to say that the best way to learn to be a Domme is to spend some tme really thinking about what you...YOU... like...how YOU want things to go...what might please you. Once you are in touch with those things, you can more easily manage your relationship so both of your are happy and satisfied. But the biggest problem I have seen with new Dommes is, failing to really be in touch with what they want, get into the business of pleasing the other. Then you have topping from the bottom, confusion about roles and a big mess!
Smythe





yourMissTress -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 7:01:29 PM)

I started in the scene at 21 as an apprentice to a Pro Domme in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She was a wonderful mentor that taught me a lot about the scene and lifestyle, as well as how to properly use the tools and toys.

I strongly recommend that someone new to the lifestyle have a mentor, someone to talk to, learn from, and hopefully gain some experience with...i.e. hopefully someone that would guide you through some scenes and help you to find safe and sane play partners.



HayaSierra -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 7:04:04 PM)

Greetings everyone.

I've been called a natural Domme, but I didn't know this for most of my life. I was just always the one who tried to nurture and guide others who wanted my help, and always was the one to try to help the underdog. And this with my mother trying to raise me opposite -- and still at times insisting that a woman's place is to clean and cook. I just never fit the role of conventional housewife, and when I found D/s I realized why.

I learned both sides of the rope so to speak, and while I do enjoy some aspects of the submissive side of the coin, I never was as fulfilled as when I experienced Dominance and was given control the first time. Talk about a fish finding water after being on land gasping for air for ages! While I never had a class on any of it the first few months, my Beloved (who was and at times still is quite Dominant, completely submitted to me), and simply had me experience. I know what everything felt like from the submissive side of the coin -- because I had learned, but for some reason I was drawing from experiences I had never had. And somehow -- I managed it. Now he is no longer my submissive, but my partner, though he will still respect me and will follow when I tell him to do something because of the love we share. But there are others now that have submitted to me, some completely, some partially -- and they cannot believe how I seem to understand them. I don't either half of the time because it is just me being me. Its me following my intuition, listening, and applying what I learn. The only advantage I have is because I have been on both sides of the coin. This is especially true because I was a submissive in the same system of D/s I use on those who submit to me now, I know what effects everything I do on them will have on them. It also makes it almost impossible for them to trick me -- because I know what it should feel like and can test them on this. :D.

But that is how I came to Dominance, and all I can suggest is -- read. Study. Talk to people.
And yes, listen to your intuition.



wantstlc -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 7:16:11 PM)

Thank you once again for everyone's help.



LadyKim -> RE: Dommes (1/29/2006 8:53:09 PM)

MistressDread,

No, it isn't being a sadist or a humiliationist. Doing it in a CONSENTUAL scene would be lifestyle related. Doing it non consentually goes against the foundational creed of Safe, Sane, and CONSENTUAL! Therefore, it would be basically thumbing your nose at societies laws, and possibly earn you a spot at the county jail and a chance to sass the judge for some serious time. It would fall under the Psychology DSM definition of the psychotic sadist though. The psychological disease known as Sadism is separated from what the BDSM community considers sadism because the mentally ill patient does not care if it is consentual or not and actually enjoys it more if it isn't.

MzKim



mons -> RE: Dommes (1/30/2006 12:21:09 AM)

at first i thought i was submissive and it was not ok for me i never trust anyone to control over me i was always the strongest woman mentally in my family we were all girls one male i felt moments andremember scene in moives where a male needed a woman to help him from either sickness or from harm even as a child i felt a feeling of joy and i supress it as women know we were taught "ladies do not act in this manner" oh how i reacted with joy when i knew my true calling a domme it is in you from sometime ago it for me has grow over the years and i had no ideal what it was until some years ago, oh yes i would remember telling my dates i would whip and beat them and i did not know where it would come from


mons[&:]



MistressW -> RE: Dommes (1/30/2006 2:34:49 PM)

thank you again for all ur replies I am building my confidence up and ordered my subbie to go shopping today for me in a women sex shop and they complimented me on the behaviour of my subbie so it made me feel really confident in myself

but this site and the Dommes that replied to me certainly helped thank you again x



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