Sub Training

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lylagirl -> Sub Training (4/9/2009 7:43:40 PM)
Since I'm fairly new to the lifestyle and to this site, I'm asking for some views and/or clarification regarding the training of a sub. I've been taking the approach of eventually finding a master that I can develop a relationship with - one that will share the growth of our separate roles as we learn them together, in the context of our unique D/s relationship. This seems to be the opposite of the posts/emails/descriptions that I see seeking a sub to train..as in for that particular Dom or for others. These sound much different from building the trust and experiencing the reciprocity between the two...maybe I'm too much of a romantic! I understand the wide variety of definitions for the D/s couple...I just keep noticing this and was wondering. Thanks for any info/insight you've got on this!

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Sub Training (4/9/2009 8:06:01 PM)
Keep in mind not all D/s relationships are romantic, and that some of us consider training for ourselves even though our relationships are. Fox is being trained, or was, he is mainly finished with his training to learn what I enjoy by now. This doesnt mean there isnt a reciprocity, overall, but it does mean that there is a focus on learning things the way I like them rather than just learning them overall. Mind you I would never train someone for someone else, becasue learning what I like and how I liek ti doesnt do jack and squat for serving someone else... but thats just me. DV

lylagirl -> RE: Sub Training (4/9/2009 8:15:59 PM)
Thanks DV. Maybe that's what I was wondering about - the training for someone else? Didn't seem like if I were trained by someone else other than my Master, that that would help me serve my Master to the best of my ability. Which is my ultimate goal.

littleone35 -> RE: Sub Training (4/9/2009 8:51:25 PM)
Before i met Master i had another Dom that trained me. The thing being that when i met Master i had to be retrained. Not in the bacics i had those down. I had to be retrained in learning how best to serve him. Each Master is different. I think it is best to be trained by the one you will serve. Matt's littleone

loveandlight87 -> RE: Sub Training (4/9/2009 8:51:43 PM)
Keep your romantic streak intact and don't sacrifice it in the name of training. You said you are looking for "one that will share the growth of our separate roles as we learn them together, in the context of our unique D/s relationship". Roles are secondary. It sounds like the most important thing to you is the relationship. My 2 cents … don’t let anyone talk you out of that. Being new, I'm sure you will hear a lot of the 'one true way' isms from folks. It may be the right way for them, but your job is to find the right way for YOU! Conforming yourself and compromising your core needs and beliefs will likely only lead to heartache. Cliché' I know, but stay true to yourself and not a role that somebody else says is suppose to be you. There is no ‘suppose to’. There is plenty of room in this lifestyle for all sorts of different kinds of relationship dynamics. You will find the one that works for you. Best of luck to you.

cbaby -> RE: Sub Training (4/9/2009 9:14:46 PM)
i don't think it can be said any better than loveandlight87 said it.........the what works for you and Your's in D/s BDSM is written by you and Your's........not anyone else........because you don't subscribe to another's beliefs/ideals/philosophies doesn't make you any less than who you are.......there are only two people that matter........you ultimately (stay true to yourself, the rest don't matter) and your Master and between you......the balance will be struck and in a way that works best of luck in your search

Vinmier -> RE: Sub Training (4/9/2009 9:36:34 PM)
Agree, agree, agree. I am not in 'formal training', but as I live with my Lady, I am constantly learning things about her that delight her. She and I have great communication lines, and I truly believe that our communication has set us on the right path through this journey together. As others have posted, stay true to yourself. It may take some time to find a Master that suits your needs, but trust me, it is well worth the wait. Back to the original post, training is what you and your Master decide it to be, but mostly, it's learning how best to serve him. Another Master may require completely different things, so concentrate on yourself, and on the one you choose

greeneyedreamer -> RE: Sub Training (4/9/2009 11:13:15 PM)
I will have to agree with loveandlight87 that you need to do what works for you. Be open minded but if it feels icky? It's icky and not right for you!!! I am also a hopeless romantic! I found a dom who sees that need in me and feeds it daily. He is training me to please him too, and it's very romantic. He happens to be a Daddy Dom but that is not the important part. The most important thing is he knows and cares what make me happy and I am free to ask him anything, tell him anything and get answers to any questions I may have. It's a very vanilla relationship at times. One that would "look" to outsiders as just a very touching romantic one. So yes, you can find that incredible connection, don't settle for less. You CAN and SHOULD find what you need. I am big on making a list of all the things you need in a relationship. After you meet someone, not right away, but in a month or so, check him out against your list. Then you will know for sure if he is meeting your needs. Amend that list as needed. I know it makes people laugh but it has worked for me. Things on the list for me were: Kind, Caring, Good sense of humor, very affectionate, compassionate, someone I can trust always, etc. etc. Most of all take what we all say and make it fit or not fit for you. You are the only person who can know what works for you!!!! Enjoy your journey. It can be a blast!

eyesopened -> RE: Sub Training (4/10/2009 1:19:24 AM)
I grow weary of the "the only one who can train you to serve your Master is your Master" crap. If this were generally true, no one should ever need a college degree since on-the-job training would be all you would ever need. The training, the experiences I've learned from past involvements (definately not romantic!) provided me with a base, groundwork, theory, and practical skills that I adapted to suit the needs and wants of my Master. It's like learning to cook is not exactly the same as cooking the foods a particular person likes, but if you wait to learn basic cooking skills until you have a special someone to cook for... what's the sense in that? My opinion is that there is so much to learn, about not only the mechanics of SMBD but also much to learn about oneself, about the simple difference between doing what you hope will please (self-focused) and being pleasing (other-focused). In my way of thinking, learning these things without the emotional connection allows an easier adaptation to the one for who you will be emotionally connected. In other words, I didn't not equate any particular bdsm activity to an emotional event so that at least my skills came without baggage. I personally see this as an advantage, not a disadvantage.

simpleplan2 -> RE: Sub Training (4/10/2009 1:37:37 AM)
LOL! I so agree with you. In fact, the word "training" just sets my teeth on edge. I don't need to be "trained" on how to be a human being. Plus, for me, the connotation of "training" is negative...brings to mind the "sub needs to be treated as a child" idea that many seem to espouse. No thanks. I know how to make coffee. What I may not know is how he likes his coffee. I only have to be told that, not "trained" how to do it.

DesFIP -> RE: Sub Training (4/10/2009 5:03:02 AM)
It depends on what is being taught. You can learn belly dance from an instructor or a video and your future dom will enjoy watching you dance even though he didn't teach you how. You can learn gourmet cooking and he'll have just as much enjoyment eating. Leather care, bootblacking, Japanese tea ceremony, are all things that frequently come up and your skills will be enjoyed whether or not he taught you or sent you for lessons. How he likes his coffee is something else, but how to grind your own beans and know the difference between various beans you could learn now and only need to learn how much sugar and milk and what kind of roast he prefers.

eyesopened -> RE: Sub Training (4/10/2009 5:27:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP It depends on what is being taught. You can learn belly dance from an instructor or a video and your future dom will enjoy watching you dance even though he didn't teach you how. You can learn gourmet cooking and he'll have just as much enjoyment eating. Leather care, bootblacking, Japanese tea ceremony, are all things that frequently come up and your skills will be enjoyed whether or not he taught you or sent you for lessons. How he likes his coffee is something else, but how to grind your own beans and know the difference between various beans you could learn now and only need to learn how much sugar and milk and what kind of roast he prefers. Exactly! That was the point I was trying to make. Learning things a wonderful thing! Doesn't have to be learned from one with whom you share an emotional connection. Everyone learns through instruction and experience. We don't sit in caves waiting for "The One" to teach us everything. We adapt what we have learned, toward pleasing the one we serve. Personally, I place a lot of value on things I learned from Dominants I have served without the pesky love thing getting in the way.

OsideGirl -> RE: Sub Training (4/10/2009 7:20:33 AM)
And for many "training" is a euphemism for "I want to tie you up, beat on you and fuck you".

eyesopened -> RE: Sub Training (4/10/2009 7:29:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl And for many "training" is a euphemism for "I want to tie you up, beat on you and fuck you". LOL! So very very true! Buyer beware of course but then an invitation like that has never bothered me.

DesFIP -> RE: Sub Training (4/10/2009 3:52:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl And for many "training" is a euphemism for "I want to tie you up, beat on you and fuck you". Aye, there's the rub.

graceadieu -> RE: Sub Training (4/23/2009 6:48:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened I grow weary of the "the only one who can train you to serve your Master is your Master" crap. If this were generally true, no one should ever need a college degree since on-the-job training would be all you would ever need. The training, the experiences I've learned from past involvements (definately not romantic!) provided me with a base, groundwork, theory, and practical skills that I adapted to suit the needs and wants of my Master. But what those "base" skills etc. are are going to vary from Dom to Dom. I could've been "trained" by some guy to refer to him as Master 24/7, to assume different named positions, and ask permission to use the toilet - because that's what he thought the basics were - and all that training would be completely useless to me (and in the first and last case, a detriment) in my current relationship.

cpK69 -> RE: Sub Training (4/23/2009 7:21:47 PM)
~fr~ After three years of investigation, I’ve come to the conclusion, the only universal ‘training’ of a sub, which possibly exists, is teaching that person “you do it for me, not you”. It is slightly inaccurate, due to the fact, anyone wishing to be a sub, should be doing it for them, but is to highlight the idea; the Dom has the authority in the relationship. The wise sub chooses a Dom that suits their needs. Kim

dscouplenm -> RE: Sub Training (4/25/2009 7:26:37 PM)
I agree that you shouldn't let go of what you want. I've never been a submissive without the romantic relationship. W/we are actually very much into growing together, learning together, and never being done with training. It is His position to ensure my safety as well as to push my limits and help me learn what I am capable of. He also takes care of my emotional well-being. The first contract I ever signed included provisions such as being able to request time outside of the scene for a period, and other provisions to make me more comfortable. Those aren't in my current contract because after long enough I don't feel it's necessary. However, He naturally takes in to consideration when I am obviously upset and will give me some relaxation and spoiling to comfort me. Our personal relationship and our Dom/sub status go hand-in-hand for us. One cannot exist without the other.

ranja -> RE: Sub Training (5/2/2009 11:41:55 AM)
i'm with Des and eyesopened...learning is always good...you can also 'train' yourself with the help of a dildo if that was someting you might entertain the thought of while waiting for your Master to find you, or you Him I have been recently inspired by a thread on deep throating. Guys who look specifically for a sub to train might just mean to direct you to please men but them in particular....i think it is mostly just something to say because indeed when you get together you have to both learn how to please the other best to get the best dynamic going. Some men do not like the romantic relationship thing and do indeed search for subs and slaves to train for others...obedience, corporal, bondage...they might not even want sex at all. Get an email exchange going and find out where they stand...

Focus50 -> RE: Sub Training (5/2/2009 3:03:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lylagirl Since I'm fairly new to the lifestyle and to this site, I'm asking for some views and/or clarification regarding the training of a sub. I've been taking the approach of eventually finding a master that I can develop a relationship with - one that will share the growth of our separate roles as we learn them together, in the context of our unique D/s relationship. This seems to be the opposite of the posts/emails/descriptions that I see seeking a sub to train..as in for that particular Dom or for others. These sound much different from building the trust and experiencing the reciprocity between the two...maybe I'm too much of a romantic! I understand the wide variety of definitions for the D/s couple...I just keep noticing this and was wondering. Thanks for any info/insight you've got on this! You don't need any so-called lifestyle experience to work out the difference between what you seek and what you're getting in your email. In the vanilla world, there's loosely two kinds of relationship available to heteros, too. One is about long term closeness, love and intimacy etc and the other is more detached and is basically no more than primal fucking, such as one-night-stands or "friends with benefits" etc. Your email, or geek mail, amounts to the latter, except that most of them would never dare meet in real life. It seems enough that they can express their "dark side" anonymously in order to get off. But both kinds of relationship are available in D/s or M/s, too. All you've gotta do is what likely came naturally to you in your vanilla life; ignore the wankers and timewasters etc - too easy...! Focus.

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