lovingpet
Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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I want to apologize if this post doesn't make a whole lot of sense, if I am not clear, or if it seems to wonder and not really have a point or a question. I think it will become much more of a public journal by the time I am finished. I am just now trying to get my feet back under me from doing just as this title suggests less than twenty four hours ago. I thought about waiting to post this until I was more composed and had my head around the whole thing more, but I think it is more honest this way and I am not sure that I will comprehend things much more anytime soon.
After what had been an unusual silence that both my dominant and I knew was going to have to occur of this past weekend, my mind was racing with things I really wanted to put away and lock down and never look in the face again. I would have done just that until the horrible fact that what I was dealing with fundamentally affected and even was, to some extent, part of the basis for my relationship with my dominant. I was shocked. I was terrified because I knew this meant that, if I were to remain open and as painfully honest as we had been in the past, I had no choice but to talk about this with him.
I mentioned that I needed to talk to him in an email I sent the moment our separation could come to an end. I just couldn't bring myself to go into details. All those horrible, graphic, shameful details. I didn't want to talk about them at all, surely not through some sterile email, though goodness knows it would have been so much safer and I could somehow avoid some of the stares and rash words I was sure to draw when we talked about it in person. I told him instead, as much as I feared it, that I had to tell him face to face. I had to have every possible assurance that I was safe and we were secure together. He pressed just a little, but I explained to him that it was just too big and I didn't even know where to begin.
We already had a visit planned that we certainly had wanted to spend some other way. I wanted so much just to take back the whole thing and just enjoy what we were going to do together rather than spend our time with this filth and mire. I really thought I would just put it away and go forward with our day. I told him as much before he arrived. He did not agree or disagree, but he was watching every little thing. My smile wasn't quite right. I couldn't look him in the eye. My meal sat mostly uneaten. Still I thought I was playing it off well. We would just spend the day. In time the chaos would quiet and I could still have my life, my self image, and we could move on blissfully unaware of what that foolishness would have caused.
We did some of the things we had planned and went to our quiet place. I thought sure that we would just spend some time and I would escape myself. We did spend it for a time before the dreaded question came. He wanted to know what I had wanted to talk about when I was safe with him again. For what seemed like forever the words just wouldn't come. When they finally did, they just wouldn't stop. Torrent after torrent of things that went well beyond making me blush, to straight out self hatred and a shame and humiliation that I couldn't bear. I broke. I cried. I couldn't even look at him. I just knew I was being judged, he was shocked and abhorred and this was the end of everything. Who would want to be a part of THIS??? It doesn't even matter what this was. To me it was the whole world and the sum of my worth, or lack thereof.
It finally stopped. He had to order me to look at him. Where I thought a face of devestation would be, there was nothing but love and acceptance. There was no horror. No shock. No disdain. With words and kisses and touches he gathered all the pieces that had scattered everywhere. He took the scandal and the pain and owned it as his own. He lifted me up, washed the dirt, and cleansed the wounds of years gone by. I can't say how he did it, but he did. I was free of it. It was no longer mine to torment myself with. I was released to my happiness and light of the future.
I realize how over the top and sappy this sounds, but in those moments, we took each other deeper than anyone had ever been. We have so much fun as a couple, but it is in this dark, frightening, and painful place that brings the opportunities for a bond like nothing else. I know others have had such things happen within their relationships. It would do my heart well to hear some of them if any are willing. I appreciate those who took the time to read this and even more those who are willing to give me a peek into the beauty of their own lives. May your day be a blessed one!
lovingpet
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