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Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 1:56:32 PM

Antheia

Posts: 66
Joined: 2/11/2009
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I know how I am handling the lose of a 8 year relationship, I am allowing myself the time to mourn this lose. Allowing a friendship to form between my former Owner and myself ( with no expectations of reviving the M/s we used to have). I am allowing myself the time to take care of my own needs at this time and to chose where my life path is going.

The questions I have is this. How have others got over the lose of a relationship, be it M/s D/s or what have you? Do you believe in jumping right into a new relationship? Do you have the same expectations as your former relationships ? Do you or have you had thoughts of chosing a different path such as if you were a Dominant , journeying into a more submissive role? Or vise versa.

Have a good day
A

Post #: 1

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 3:25:44 PM

MsLadySue

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Joined: 12/18/2004
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You are on the right path by taking the time to mourn the loss of the relationship. It's best you don't jump into any kind of relationship, new or old, until you can think more clearly. You don't want to make decisions out of loneliness or a feeling of desparation to jump into a new relationship. It's best you take some time to know yourself as a single person again, decide what you need to make you happy.

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RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 3:29:03 PM

InTonguesslave

Posts: 342
Joined: 2/6/2009
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sorry youre going through this.

it just takes time, i dont leap into anything other than my life and what needs to get done. ive meditated and walked for miles, written down my feelings and thoughts ad nauseum and gradually, eventually a day comes when it doesnt feel so bad.

take care xx

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RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 5:01:35 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
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I personally had to take time to heal . How much time? Well that is dependent on when you feel you are ready to look again. For me not taking time to heal and deal with issues , then jumping into another relationship is just asking for disaster.

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RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 5:18:01 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Antheia

I know how I am handling the lose of a 8 year relationship, I am allowing myself the time to mourn this lose. Allowing a friendship to form between my former Owner and myself ( with no expectations of reviving the M/s we used to have). I am allowing myself the time to take care of my own needs at this time and to chose where my life path is going.

The questions I have is this. How have others got over the lose of a relationship, be it M/s D/s or what have you? Do you believe in jumping right into a new relationship? Do you have the same expectations as your former relationships ? Do you or have you had thoughts of chosing a different path such as if you were a Dominant , journeying into a more submissive role? Or vise versa.

Have a good day
A

WellI broke up with someone twice. Once in june and the last time in mid february. The first time i was swept away in a whirlwind romance. this time I'm not. In some ways, it was much better have someone else there. He was providing me fun, romance, thrills and made me feel special. It made it easier to be friends and have no hard feelings with the one I broke off with. This time, I havent been with someone else and we are not friends. In some ways having someone made it so much easier on my broken heart. But its no ones job to save me from my pain and its not fair to the person who the rebound one. They end up hurt. So this time I am taking time to heal. It hasnt been easy, but Im getting there.

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RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 6:04:18 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Got separated about a year and a half ago.
Met the re-person I had a relationship with for the better portion of a year less than a month after that.
Was in a realtionship for about 3 1/2 months recently.
No two relationships are ever the same, nor do I try to replicate one relationship with another.
I acknowledge each person as who they are, though sometimes I see similarities between partners.
Good luck with attempting to remain friends with someone you've had a relationship with. With one exception, I don't do that.
Davan

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(in reply to lusciouslips19)

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RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 6:49:53 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

Do you believe in jumping right into a new relationship?

Established wisdom has it that the mourning period after a relationship is a year, minimum, can be more. I agree with that, from personal experience, and think that jumping (you used the word...) into another is pretty much rebound. I have only one single person in my group of close friends who has consistently jumped from one bed into the other, and managed to come out happy, and on top.

Most importantly, you should try and view your current status as a liberation, the door to something new. Looking back, you won't be able to see where you are going. These days I take a deliberate long break between relationships, and concentrate on the other things in my life that I want and crave. Independence will make you, and find you, a better partner. Honest.

(in reply to Antheia)

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RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 6:57:32 PM

greeneyedreamer

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Somehow I don't think there are any real rules here. There are rules that people THINK are rules, but truthfully keep feeling, keep an open mind, and yes, by all mean, grieve.

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Post #: 8

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 7:00:35 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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Again I have to agree with antipode here.. By all means cultivate your independence and nurture your own individuality, but this neither means cutting yourself off from other people or becoming a recluse. There's nothing wrong with jumping into a relationship, provided you have both feet and the skill set to be able to correct things when and if they go off balance, but introspection is healthy only in small doses. Above all avoid having superficial or shallow relationships, keeping together a circle of friends and a support network is essential to keep you grounded. Learn to live for the moment, catch the feeling, breathe in, breathe out.. isn't it good to be alive?

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RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 7:45:15 PM

Joseff

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Joined: 6/2/2007
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There are no rules here, beyond what you set for yourself. I have seen that many people tend to fall into the same types of relationship over and over, so it seems like a good idea to take time, and maybe analise the relationship first. Having said that, I've also learned that relationships have a way of happening without regard to rules and/or common sense.
Joseff

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 10

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 7:59:24 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

I made a promise to myself to give myself the time needed to grieve. A year was decided as a guideline. This worked very well and as a result there was no bad baggage to sort out when there was a new relationship.

(in reply to Antheia)

Post #: 11

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 8:31:51 PM

NYLass

Posts: 409
Joined: 12/30/2008
Status: offline

A year sounds good. I was married right out of HS, and after 20 yrs, was separated. My divorce has only been final since Nov. I know I'm not ready for a new relationship right now. I've been out a few times for coffee, but I knew it wasn't anything serious. I was daughter, then wife, then mother. I never knew how to be me. I'm taking baby steps to discover this independent side of me.

You need to learn to love yourself before you love someone else. One day at a time, look yourself in the mirror, and smile. Only you know when you'll be open and receptive to another. Be well.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 12

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 8:57:00 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
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Get drunk, wake up, kick who ever is in my bed out, get a hair cut, buy some new clothing, and hit the road listening to Rob Thomas/Match Box 20. I'll then just start my routine of wake up, exercise, shower, eat, work, get back, bla bla bla, go to bed, and repeat. Staying active or busy has always helped me the most.

As for the next relationship, I never actively looked for the next one. It just happens when it happens be it a week or two years.

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Post #: 13

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 9:26:42 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
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The best way ... nay, the only way ... to get over a loss is to stop thinking about it and think about yourself ... improve yourself ... pamper yourself ... do things for you ... nobody else. Easy to say, I know ... but it's what it is. I myself have been through this many times ... as have almost all of us ... if not all of us.

Force yourself to think about yourself to improve, reward, pamper yourself ... and use that as therapy to think less (much less is the goal) of that which is now lost ...

Good luck ...

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 14

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/12/2009 9:48:22 PM

corsetgirl

Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
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All I can say is don't jump into a relationship when you are hurting and take the time out to just be yourself to heal from the loss.

Sometimes, it is good to be on your own because you get to discover what you are all about. NYLass hit the nail on the head when she stated about being involved in so many roles including daughter, mother, and wife that she did not know herself. I think that is very important for everyone to do before they are with someone again.

Keep busy, take a class, volunteer, and have a good support network of friends.

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 15

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/13/2009 3:51:38 AM

Goddess2002

Posts: 226
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline

The amount of time it takes to heal varies individually...best to wait until you have closure to pursue another relationship.

One thing I try to do is take an honest look at my role in the demise of the relationship...that way I can work on myself to be better in my next one.

Good luck...I know this is a sucky thing to have to go through.

(in reply to corsetgirl)

Post #: 16

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/13/2009 11:33:55 AM

Antheia

Posts: 66
Joined: 2/11/2009
Status: offline

Thank you to everyone who gave their opinions and views. I have seen some people that end one relationship just to jump into another right away. I myself have done this before. Now in my opinion one very good reason for this is people may not want to be alone, can't stand the thoughts of how bad the lonliness might feel. Actually as some have said keep busy then you don't have time to get lonely. And I also realize as FangsNfeet wrote " It just happens when it happens"... I hope naturally not in lonliness.
A

(in reply to Antheia)

Post #: 17

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/13/2009 2:58:45 PM

wisdomofgiving

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Joined: 3/19/2009
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Antheai, I was married 29 years when hubby died, and prior to that married 2 years to another. These last 4 years, wow will be 4 in June, I had to learn to live alone. I did meet someone that I cared greatly about, but I still stayed here, and we are good friends. Just recently, I mentioned to him that I was happy that he didnt have me move in, collared me and take care of me. Instead he helped me to face my fears of being alone and independent, by not saving me. In these past four years, I grieved the lost of the love of my life, found peace in my submissive side, served a wonderful friend, and found me. It has been one of the hardest journeys I ever went through, but now at 58 I know me and adore me:). Staying by yourself and discovery you can be a really rich and rewarding experience.

wisdomofgiving

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(in reply to Antheia)

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RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/13/2009 9:26:29 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
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From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
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Oh yeah. And, stay away from songs. Any song. All songs. Number one rule of mourning a relationship. Songs are bad for what ails' ya. It's like the Sirens' song to a recently defunct relationship. They'll drown you every time.

(in reply to wisdomofgiving)

Post #: 19

RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship - 4/13/2009 10:54:48 PM

seattlesub129

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline

The best advice i have ever gotten was to occupy yourself with a new interest if it's going to the gym taking an art class or rearranging your place, do something that is just for you that makes you feel good. Spend some time getting reacquainted with yourself and it helps deal with the pain and the loss of what you had. I agree with pompeii love songs are awful it's like booking a ticket on the titanic there is one outcome and it isn't pretty :) We have all been there listening to alanis eating ben and jerry's feeling like you will never want anyone again, just remember that the pain won't last forever and you will wake up a little less sad everyday until you realize that you aren't sad any more.

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 20

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