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MaamJay -> RE: Grieving the lose of a relationship (4/14/2009 1:26:56 AM)
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Antheia, I have 2 failed marriages, one of nearly 16 years and the second of nearly 12 years. I managed to stay very good friends with #1, am civil with #2. Never easy to sever a relationship, but I am grateful for the friendship and civility, it would have been far more painful to become fueled with animosity and hate. So if you are able to establish a respectful friendship with your ex, so much the better but do be prepared to give it a bit of breathing time.
After My first marriage ended, people predicted there'd be men hanging around like "flies around a honeypot" so I felt pretty low when there wasn't! But as I had married at age 20, and was then mid-30s, I realised I probably had some growing up to do, so I took Myself off to a weekend workshop on separation. Awesome experience, best thing I could have done. The group was very cohesive, very supportive and actually continued meeting regularly for about the next 6 months while people got themselves together. I realised I was still putting out "go away, I'm hurting" vibes and the flies were, sensibly, staying away. Once I got through that and began to feel better about Myself, My honey got a whole lot sweeter and attractive! I'd still say I chose badly with hubby #2 but I don't think that was a carryover from hubby #1, more that number 2 was quite good at hiding his true nature for a quite a while! It was 2 years between leaving 1 and getting serious with 2.
However, I found relationship 3 (Master) while with hubby 2 as by then We were D/s and he was My sub and knew from the start of that commitment that I wanted a Master. Through a very difficult attempt at poly, it became obvious that hubby was NOT a sub and was NOT poly and he and I were NOT a good fit (the vanilla marriage had nearly ended twice, the D/s attempt was the third and last try). So he and I split, Master and i have gone from strength to strength. So that time, there was no gap between relationships.
In other words, there ARE no rules, but some keys are:
* try not to let bitterness rule
* remember the good times
* take a bit of time out to look at yourself and analyse your role in the successes and the failures
* treat yourself kindly
* enjoy the support of others
* know that when you are ready you will put out vibes that you are
All the very best!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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