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for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 5:12:01 PM

kinkme43

Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
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Out of curiosity, I'm sending out a question to all the Dommes out there.....

How did you come to be one? Was it merely a choice, a preference, or just something you were "born" to do?

Do you think it's possible at all for someone to gradually make themselves into one? Or is it one of those things you can't really teach someone?

I apologize if it's a silly question, but like I said I'm just curious.

Thanks in advance :)

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kinkykate

Post #: 1

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 5:25:49 PM

subsubtle

Posts: 59
Joined: 6/7/2008
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It's not silly, Kate. I'm sure you'll get some good answers here.

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RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 5:27:08 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

For me, acting as a "domme" has two parts - dominance and domination. The first is a personality trait. Most people have some level of dominance or they would be unable to assert themselves in daily situations such as the workplace. In most cases, it's not something you can learn. Either you have it or you don't. Domination consists of activities and techniques, such as flogging, erotic humiliation, or bondage. These are things anyone can learn with enough practice. However, one must be able to employ the skill set of domination and put the personality trait of dominance into action to add up to being "A Domme." Otherwise, you end up playing a role that doesn't fit and comes across as phony, IMO.

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Post #: 3

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 5:39:40 PM

Kaiel

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kinkme43

Out of curiosity, I'm sending out a question to all the Dommes out there.....

How did you come to be one? Was it merely a choice, a preference, or just something you were "born" to do?

Do you think it's possible at all for someone to gradually make themselves into one? Or is it one of those things you can't really teach someone?

I apologize if it's a silly question, but like I said I'm just curious.

Thanks in advance :)

kate- I believe dominance is a characteristic I was born with. I was always the "leader of the pack" so to speak. Even in childhood my peers would listen to Me and want to please Me. When I was 21 I got married, which didn't last long because My husband didn't feel I let him "wear the pants".... at 23 I had My first submissive, although I didn't know what the behavior was per se' at the time, she was just very eager to please Me and I enjoyed it. she would do any and all tasks I required of her, some of which were ludicris, like cleaning the tub with a toothbrush... she also called Me mommy... (My partner at the time was 12 years My senior). I know I enjoyed and demanded her subservience. So, to answer your question I think I was always a Domme', it just took some time for it to evolve into a "label" and into "kink".

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Post #: 4

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 5:48:16 PM

strangedesire

Posts: 360
Joined: 12/23/2008
Status: offline

At best, I'm a bad domme, so I'm not really qualified to answer this, but I'll throw in my two cents. I think that dominance is a personality trait; like leadership or cheerfulness, it's something that you can strengthen and develop in yourself. Changing personality traits is hard, though, and I wonder why you would do it unless you have some natural drive towards dominance already. So, yes, I think that you can probably learn to be a domme, if you aren't a natural, but I question why you would want to do so.

Worth noting: you don't have to be 'a domme' to be on top, to be in control, or to do kinky and/or painful things to people. This is just my opinion, but I think it's more important to figure out what you like and look for people who complement you than it is to worry about living up to a label.

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On that other site as Exegesis.

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RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 6:18:01 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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When you read fairytales and she relates to GoldieLocks and the three bears and Princess and the pea... you might consider you have a dominant. When she learns that boys can be led by their cock and laughs... almost for sure you have a dominant. When half the debate team won't debate her... could be a dominant. When throughout life she decides that no one can tell her what to do and artfully makes sure that doesn't happen... you have a dominant.

For many... it starts really friggin early much to the dismay of a number of parents and siblings. You might consider finishing school at that point, but don't be surprised when she starts teaching the classes.

Being dominant wasn't a choice for me. What I did in dominance was.

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Post #: 6

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 6:23:02 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Being slave didn't fit my needs anymore, and I can't be vanilla.

I'd had a slave orientation all my life, but when it no longer suited me, it fell away.

I grew, and I changed. My slave says it was a natural evolution.

It does feel perfectly natural. :o)

Its not a silly question, thanks!

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Post #: 7

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 6:38:55 PM

masmiss

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
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I have been dominant all my life. I have a profession which makes good use of that trait. However, it took years for me to figure out, after several failed vanilla relationships, that I am a Domme. Now, I am still in the process of learning all the things that go with that status. Wish I had figured it out sooner. I am finally enjoying life as I was meant to live it.

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I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

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Post #: 8

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 6:39:50 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
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I've been Dominant as long as I can remember and my father encouraged being independent so I guess you could say it was nature and nurture in my case. Though my 1950's style Mom sure tried to shoot it down, she was not successful.

Now how I got kinky, well that I am not sure about. I just knew at the age of 19 that I liked tying men up and making them do what I wanted in the bedroom and outside of it.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to kinkme43)

Post #: 9

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 6:49:23 PM

SunNMoon

Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kinkme43
How did you come to be one? Was it merely a choice, a preference, or just something you were "born" to do?

I think it is a mixture of the above. I do believe part of it is something your born with. Also a lot of it is a preference, like people perfer certian kinds of food, movies ect. I believe that part of it is a choice, since you do have to take actions to experince kink. You also have a choice of who you are with in a relationship.

quote:

Do you think it's possible at all for someone to gradually make themselves into one? Or is it one of those things you can't really teach someone?

I think it is possible to make someone into anything. You can teach how do the actions to top someone and most likely how to control someone too. But the question would be would you be happy? Think more about what you need to be happy in a relationship. I'm happy in my relationships when I can set limits and controls.

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"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

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Post #: 10

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 7:42:35 PM

LovingMistress45

Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline

For me I have always been dominant. My mother had stories to tell about when I was 2. I never believed anyone had a right to control what I thought or did. I was always the boss and I liked it that way.

Now when and I how I became a Mistress is different. That was a transition. I was kinky and involved in spanking fetish. The desire to own someone completely came later during a relationship I was in.

(in reply to SunNMoon)

Post #: 11

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 8:05:03 PM

kinkme43

Posts: 24
Joined: 4/10/2009
Status: offline

To all...

I sure appreciate the responses....

And specifically to the ones wondering if "changing" is what would make me happy....
I know that with me, I do desire to have that air of dominance... Yet, my confidence(or lack thereof) hinders me.
I suppose situations in my past have led me to a life of being walked on...
And slowly but surely I have spoken up to people to change that. The change in me has taken quite a few years.
I think I'm still finding myself, in all ways.

And it is nice to get it out and listen to what other women(what ever kind) have to say...

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kinkykate

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Post #: 12

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 9:16:03 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

How did I become one?

Truth be told, a long time ago, a boy knelt in front of Me and asked Me to be. That's it. That was enough.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Post #: 13

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 9:24:05 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

I'm still not sure how I fit into the whole out-&-organized kink world & it's (varied) use of the concepts, but . . . .

I've always been a leader, whenever I cared to exercise that talent . . . .. I've always done what I wanted to, following my wants has always been a primary criteria for me . .. . . I tend to think of myself as a bossy chick who comes from a long line of bossy people, on both sides -- we're an obnoxious bunch . . . . . & my offspring are all the same way, powerful, dynamic, ambitious, influential within their own circles.

& I've built on these talents, tho' the motivation for that has usually been a fascination with humans, wanting to understand how these people-critters operate & exist & so on . . . . . & going thru the process of raising offspring taught me an enormous amount about 'running people' . .. . Not to mention every encounter with paid employment . ... .

Years before I 'came out' as a sexual being (the kink uncloseting coming even later, tho' the hints were strewn about throughout my life all along), people in my inner circle would make serious suggestions & jokes, alike, about how I should become a professional dominatrix . .... . For a while there, the universe was providing all kinds of signals pointing me towards pro-domination, but when I tried it I didn't like it . .. . With plentiful appreciation for those who do it, by the by . . . .

In my tentative explorations of 'BDSM domination' I've mostly just recognized when I'm not so much dominating as service topping a bottom, at which point I generally lose a certain amount of interest, so far . .. . There've been a few brief moments in which there's a real sense of truly imposing my will alongside meeting the bottom's needs, & those have been sweet indeed ... .. But mostly it's mostly just been chances to practice my topping skills . ... .

BDSM exploration has had repercussions in my greater life . . . . . One of the most transformative was reading the part in Dr Jack Morin's 'Anal Pleasure & Health' about Nice Person Syndrome. It really helped me start letting go of a lot of 'Nice Girl' shit that was getting in my way . . . . . & I've grown in confidence about my overall 'power' & 'charisma' & 'sexiness' & 'attractiveness' -- whatever those things are -- & I can feel it in the guys cruisin' me . ...

There was this marvelous story about Marilyn Monroe where she was walking down a Manhattan street with (I think) a journalist, & the journalist remarked on how none of the passersby were noticing that the very famous film actress was walking amongst them. & she replied that she'd been keeping the energy tuned down, proceeded to merely shift her mental attitude & posture & such & suddenly people started recognizing her & asking for her autograph & all that . ...... . I ponder this a lot in regard to this notion of 'attractiveness' & 'attitude' & the marvelously hippie-esh one of 'energy management' . . ..

In sum, I do tend to think that I am a 'naturally dominant' human being, that some of it is innate, some developed, some learned, some of it moment to moment energy management issues . . . . . & the rest . . . . . *shrugs shoulders*

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Post #: 14

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 10:43:51 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

I've always been the one who organized and managed, and am currently beginning to attempt to kindly and authoritatively raise um's through the shoals of adolescence. And in my spare time, I had someone ask me to tie him to the bed and tease him....very light stuff, you know, but the rush told me this was clearly something I had to explore further!

I've also had to unpack a lot of "nice women don't" things from my mental attic. Interestingly, a lot of them happened as I have had um's. It doesn't take a lot of time to figure out that when one stares at you and says "NO bed!" that that is going to go nowhere positive unless you step up and assert who is the boss around here.

After that... I'm still learning all the tools. But the mental stuff...I've got all that. It's like seeing the wooden spoons and chopsticks in a whole new light; I have most of it, I just have to rethink how to use it.

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RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/12/2009 10:58:29 PM

SnowRanger

Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline

Hello A/all,

I heard a mistress once say that you have to have "the chip." This makes a lot of sense to me.

As a small boy I watched a TV program that "showed me the way." The show was a western and in one scene a cowgirl plants a punch on some lucky cowboy's chin and knocks him down. She then plants her foot in the middle of his chest and pins him to the ground. I wasn't more that 5 or 6; but from then on, I knew what sort of man I was going to be and what sort of woman I liked!

Respectfully,
Mike
SnowRanger

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You can't help where you were born; and, you may not have much to say about where you die; but, you can and you should try to pass the days in between as a good man.
Anton Myrer Once an Eagle

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RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/13/2009 8:47:01 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

It's so easy to say that I was born that way... but being dominant in the vanilla world (which I am) isn't the same as being scene dominant. Still, I never had any question about my orientation. I am not wired to submit, in spite of being raised to serve. It's just who I am, and my life experience has enhanced it.

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RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/13/2009 11:10:16 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Born this way, although I cannot recall developing any specific bdsm fetishes as a child or a teenager. I identified with strong female characters, leaders and heroes in fiction and in life, but did not have any sexual fantasies that revolved around humiliating, hurting or punishing anyone when I was younger. My Amazon tendencies were always fairly non-sexual, even in teenage years. I didn't fantasize about putting men and women in chains, beating them or making them bow to me, yadda yadda.

I was extremely strong, charismatic and aggressive, however, and potential partners recognized my potential as a dominant and were attracted to it very early. I started as a very broad-based sexual creature with a large appetite, a creative imagination and an open mind. I did not have any abnormally strong hang-ups against bdsm roles and acts, so accommodating my lovers and fulfilling their fantasies and needs has never been particularly hard for me. I empathize with the arousal and pleasure of my partner enough to get off on things that would not necessarily occupy a lot of my fantasy time on my own.

Living the life and assuming the role of the domme in my personal relationships has caused my personality and sexuality to evolve over time, for certain. But the core of my personality is simply "Non Serviam"--"I Will Not Be a Slave". More accurately, it's "Non Possum Servire"--"I Am Not ABLE to Be a Slave".

Any attempt to assume a subservient, submissive, non-assertive role in my life and personal relationships has always been a crashing, catastrophic, soul-annihilating failure. This has been true since I was a small child. So when dealing with partners, it is important to find one who is neither bdsm dominant nor vanilla dominant. Living in any dynamic of that kind causes me deep psychological distress, clinical depression, not to mention violent arguments and other relationship stress with my partner.

Submissive partners of either sex are much better suited to me for obvious reasons. *shrug* Ego sum qui sum, as Popeye would say--"I yam what I yam."

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

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Post #: 18

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/13/2009 12:05:39 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kinkme43

Out of curiosity, I'm sending out a question to all the Dommes out there.....

How did you come to be one? Was it merely a choice, a preference, or just something you were "born" to do?

Do you think it's possible at all for someone to gradually make themselves into one? Or is it one of those things you can't really teach someone?

I'm curious about this also. I'm a male in a society which has always supported males dominating whatever they can. Society has never given me any flack about being dominant. In addition to the OP's questions, I'd like to know if any woman have struggled with who they are on account of social pressure?

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

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Post #: 19

RE: for all Dommes alike - 4/13/2009 12:31:41 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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Absolutely! A lot of flack.

But, it doesn't matter. Any flack I caught only made me stronger. I've always been an independent, strong individual. Unlike many here, I've never sought out a specific lifestyle.

I had never been one to openly demand. I am not too proud to admit that the experiences of my early life combined with my dominant personality created A LOT of passive agressive coping skills. I've never liked conflict, I was raised in a household that fighting, being cruel, yelling, screaming, demanding, were all horrible and punished.

So, I learned to be happy with very little. Very little material things. Very little in the way of needing people, very little in relationships. I've always had my own little world, I am my own support system. I know how to take care of myself and all my needs. I have been this way since I can remember. I love people doing things for me, I simply created a "me" that does not need it. Of course that means I also take a long time to develope a strong relationship also.

My passive agressive dominance was such that, if I didn't get my way, if you pushed me too far, if I couldn't calmly convince you to do it my way.......I simply withdrew. No fuss, no muss. No yelling, screaming and demanding. I just realized that the relationship wasn't working and I exited it.

Now I do my level best to communicate more, outline my expectations, work with the person to create something positive for all. Communicate without the emotional confrontation and negative emotions I don't like.

Most of the people in my life that have been drawn to my strength and dominance, have done so, as a need of their own. Not to submit or serve, but to lean and be guided.

The first time a woman wanted to serve and submit, in addition to leaning on me, it was like a light bulb coming on and a choir of angels singing. Yet, I still have a huge amount of preconditioning to unlearn and overcome. It's been an interesting road.

The BDSM stuff I really can take or leave. It is the power exchange part that is the vital component for me.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 4/13/2009 12:36:10 PM >

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 20

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