RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 8:28:54 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJ40

You say you're a happily married man.. and then describe what sounds like a pretty unhappy situation.
I don't agree with you having to repress yourself in order to fit into her comfort zone. If she won't expand her mind to fulfill you, can't care enough about your desires to at least entertain conversation, or experiment a little... you have a problem.
More communication is necessary.. explain to her that if she's not willing to work WITH you on this, you're willing to work on it without her.. stress to her how important this is.
There is no reason in a marriage for one partner to ignore the significant wants and needs of the other like this.. yes, it happens all the time.. but that doesn't make it right.
You're going to have to explain, down to telling her you'd be willing to cheat on her to fulfill this. Maybe that will drive it home to her.
I wish you the best of luck

I get what you're trying to say here, but I think it only fair to point out what might be both sides. Just like the OP has every right to his desires, so does his wife.

While it would be nice to think that everyone would compromise about their spouse's desires, that isn't always the case. When these types of threads come up, we have to remember that, just as much as the OP is interested in kink, it's just as fair to say that the wife is entitled not to be. Just because we enjoy wiitwd, we have to remember that some people don't and all they really want in life is a vanilla, monogamous marriage.

Put the shoe on the other foot for a moment. Let's say that one day, the person on the other side of the kneel for you decided they wanted to go totally vanilla. No more kink, power exchange dynamic, play, or BDSM of any kind. Some of us would at least try that for the sake of the person we love, but I'm going to tell you that I've read a lot of posts on these boards over the last couple of years where people have outright said that they are not interested in that type of relationship. It is more important to them to be their kinky selves than to keep a partner who wanted vanilla.

If we're entitled to do that when we're kinky, we have to extend the same consideration to those who aren't.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SirJ40)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 3:20:10 PM

mystsshykitty

Posts: 24
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I to am in a similar situation. Although, my wife and i have been married for 10 years. the first 5 years and even while we were dating, we were in a Ds relationship. I was the submissive and She the Domme. then all of a sudden, she just dind't want to be in any role anymore. Was a total shock to me. I have talked to her at length about it, that i still have the need and desire to submit.

I have met and have been talking to a wonderful friend from the Dallas area now for a year, and I have met her for public play. My wife is ok with that, as long as it is a non sexual relationship. She gave me a list of things that i am not allowd to do and will gladdly do as she asks.. and i get to serv too.

All i can say is Communication is the key to everything..

(in reply to camille65)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 3:29:45 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tenaciousme

Hello;

I've not posted before, but I've lurked for a while to get the lay of the land. I have seen similar topics such as this provoke heated discussion on other boards in the past, but they haven't really encapsulated my situation, hence my post.

I'm a happily married man (yeah, aren't they all...?) and I've been with my wife for about 12 years. In that time, I have had open, and frank discussions with my partner about my preferences, and my desire to explore my masochistic and submissive side. I haven't quite gone into explicit detail, but she is in no doubt as to the sort of thing I find intriguing.

She, as openly and frankly as I, has stated she has absolutely no interest in BDSM at all. I accept this, and when I have tried to introduce even very mild elements into our relationship, she has identified them and explicitly rejected them.

I am happy to respect her boundaries, but at the same time feel constrained (and not in a good way!) by her rejection of my feelings.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did you find any way to overcome it? The obvious (and morally dubious) solution is to meet someone else, but this feels wrong, and I'm sure no-one would want to engage with me under such circumstances.

I could simply go to a pro-domme, but this feels even worse, and plus the level of expenditure that sustaining such an experience would entail would be quickly noticed.

I am sort of resigned to repression - I love my wife dearly, but feel stifled at the same time.

Am I simply being juvenile in hoping to reach a 'best-of-all worlds' solution?

She has shown no interest and has told you she wants no part of it, yet you have tried to bring it into the relationship anyway and she quickly identifies what you are doing and rejects it.

This suggest's to me that your bringing it in in little ways, may not appear so little to her and she is feeling manipulated and must be watchful becasue you are trying to force it on her.

You have to make some choice's here. Stay and live without... get her permission to open things up and seek elsewhere or leave. Short cuts don't work. Manipulation and force do not work. Can the marriage work with her being watchful of your introducing things she doesn't want and your doing so? I doubt for long.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 3:33:28 PM

tenaciousme

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Thank you for all of your replies.

Ending the relationship is not an option - mainly for the reason I deeply love my partner. I am, to a greater extent, prepared to repress these aspects of me to maintain the relationship - I just wondered if anyone had any novels ways to deal with these issues.

It seems the prevailing theme is communication - I will try and convey my thoughts and feelings to my partner without 'spooking' or pressuring her.

Thank you again.

(in reply to Lockit)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 3:42:08 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

You might look to any publication you can find in helping you explain your needs to your wife. Some are repulsed by thinking it immoral or unhealthy emotionally and are fearful. If you can find some reading material... I am sorry I don't know or remember anything to suggest, you may find a way to explain it to her in a way that won't be so scary or repulsive.

Ask yourself what it is you really need. Do you need the pain... the force of dominantion in some way... to serve.. whatever it may be. If it is service... just simply do things for her and ease the load she has in life. If it is the pain or something else... and you deny your needs, you may become resentful without meaning to.

Explore your real needs. Get informed and prepared to introduce this again.. but keep in mind she is looking for your convincing her and may be resentful herself.

I wish you the best and wish I had better answers for you.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/15/2009 9:00:20 PM

heartbound

Posts: 43
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline

I think it is wonderful that you love your wife so much that you would repress your desires in the bdsm arena. Perhaps you would be best off explaining to her how much you feel that you need this in your life, but leave the decision in her hands. If she understands that you love her so much that you would repress this desire, perhaps she will find a way to return that love and reach a compromise you can both live with.

-heartbound

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/16/2009 6:31:15 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

if you fallow this path then you in a marriage of convenice not one of true love it is headed for a very nasty end with you being left out

true very wonderful long lasting marriages that rock are about what two bring to being one not two trying to redefine the world

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/16/2009 7:46:00 AM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

I have to ask. Why did you wait until you were married twelve years to tell your partner what you need? Why did you not do that before you married her?

Have you tried actions, not words? Maybe use some of the Elise Sutton techniques. That strategy has worked for me.

< Message edited by slavekal -- 4/16/2009 7:47:51 AM >

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/16/2009 12:54:29 PM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

Have you tried cyber? Not everyone's cup of tea, prefering a 'hands on' relationship to a mind trip but it is good fun if you have good imagination and are lucky enough to find a good Dom(me), definitely a starting point i would suggest.

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/16/2009 3:55:10 PM

tenaciousme

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

Grr - double post, and can't delete - sorry!

< Message edited by tenaciousme -- 4/16/2009 3:58:33 PM >

(in reply to slavekal)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/16/2009 3:57:13 PM

tenaciousme

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/10/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

I have to ask. Why did you wait until you were married twelve years to tell your partner what you need? Why did you not do that before you married her?

Have you tried actions, not words? Maybe use some of the Elise Sutton techniques. That strategy has worked for me.

When we first met, I wasn't really aware of the labels that would be applied to my behavioural impulses. I had, sort of unspecified, desires, but couldn't see how they could have been put into practice in that relationship.

I presume you developed into your current persona - as did I, and I daresay I will continue to develop over the coming years.

I don't believe that the Sutton techniques will work, as my partner simply isn't interested in that sort of power exchange, as I mentioned in my original post.

(in reply to tenaciousme)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/16/2009 4:09:40 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

I think you've been forthright, and now your decision comes down to whether you can maintain the commitment that you made and accept that that may mean not having the opportunity to express what you are so drawn to, or whether you will be compelled to seek out your desire and accept that that may include relationship changes.

I think that relationships last as long as we are willing to put what we need to into the relationship and as long as both parties are willing to yield a bit to keep the relationship healthy and allow their partner to continue to grow. Everyone gives a little... everyone grows a little. If both parties are no longer at that point, or if one partner requires all the sacrifice without being willing to yield up anything hirself, then the relationship cannot maintain a healthy balance. The only question is whether one waits around and lets life manipulate hir, or whether she is an active participant in hir own life, and takes responsibility for the choices therein.

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to camille65)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: BDSM outside your 'main' relationship - 4/16/2009 5:15:13 PM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

I was lucky. I knew what I was from a very early age. I learned all the labels and terms as soon as I could. I was just a kid.

Before you reject Elise's stuff, have you actually read it? You have nothing to lose by checking out her site and giving it a try.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Profile

Post #: 33