Am i really a submissive/slave????

Am i really a submissive/slave???? (Full Version)

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gentlefawn -> Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/14/2009 6:41:02 PM)
Hello friends. I have never posted here before but i have a question that i could really use some input on. Master and i have been together for nearly 9 years and married for 4 1/2 years. He has been on the road driving truck for the past 2 1/2 years and is home usually on weekends. i work full-time and am raising our (his biological) 15yo daughter. Lately, with the economy being so bad, He as not been on the road as much. i am struggling with some issues. He is home all day right now when not out on the road. i come home after working a 10+ hour day to find that He has been watching TV or playing on the computer all day. The house needs to be picked up, dinner needs to be made, laundry needs to be done, animals cared for and bills paid. He has not even been guiding the daughter in her normal after school chores. i am exhausted and am feeling very resentful. i can not ever get close to catching up to everything that needs to be done. i also am the one who takes care of the money and paying bills so i am very stressed that He is not working as much and therefore difficult to keep up on our bills. So, please, tell me if any of you have gone through this. If yes, what did you do? i am feeling like i need to just say that i am not submissive and as His wife, i need His help. How do i vocalize to Him how i am feeling and tell Him that i need His help to get all of this done? i feel that i have tried to explain to Him that between work and home, i am exhausted and feel like nothing more than a "work horse" with no appreciation for all that is expected of me. Looking forward to your input. fawn

bluefireeyez -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/14/2009 6:53:05 PM)
Submissive or not, every person has their own limits. I was going to school full time and working 48 hours a week, and driving an hour to both work and school and back every day. While the Dom I was with worked the same amount, he did not have the school work on top of it. He kept expecting me to do more and more in the house with less time to do it. I told him I did not have the time and that I needed his help. While he relaxed a little with making me do stuff in the house, he didn't help anymore than before. To me, it is part of being human to ask for help. Noone has super human powers to do everything. Naturally, if he isn't working he should be more willing to help around the house. Perhaps he doesn't want to or doesn't know where to begin. Try sitting down with him and throughly explaining your position. When I had a lot going on, I would always write down the points I wanted to make so that I knew I explained myself well enough. I don't think telling him you're not submissive is the answer, it might start more fires than it puts out. Perhaps when you are feeling less overwhelmed you can take the time to think about if being His submissive is what you want.

chamberqueen -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/14/2009 6:55:51 PM)
Communication is the key. Let him know that you feel the need to talk something over with him, and explain calmly that you are feeling overwhelmed. Be careful not to point fingers but tell him that you are finding it very difficult to work full time at a job and then come home and feel like you have a second job. Have an idea of what kinds of things you need. For instance, you could tell him how helpful it would be if he could make sure that your daughter did her chores or that you really need an hour of quiet time each night when no one expects anything of you. I've been through a similar situation. You cannot be a good sub if you are not being somehow nurtured. I've found that using compliments often gets a submissive the farthest. For instance, choose something nice he's done and tell him how much you appreciate it. Say that he does a little picking up one day. Notice it right away, and tell him how wonderful it is that he did that and how much of a burden it takes off you. Remind him that you want to do your best, but that you simply can't when you are so exhausted and ask him if he has any ideas on what might help. It is easy for the stay at home person to become oblivious to the mess that they create or how much work it takes someone already tired out to pick up after them. Chances are that he falls into that category and isn't doing it just to be sadistic.

MstrUsAngel -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/14/2009 6:58:47 PM)
You needing a partner now is no indication of your ability to be a good slave/submissive. We may be slaves but we are women and human beings too. You need his support right now and his help. Sit him down and openly, honestly, respectfully voice your concerns and ask for his help. Truth of the matter may be he is really not handling his not working right now very well. He may have some things he needs to talk about with you as well. Open and honest communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Good Luck!

gentlefawn -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/14/2009 7:22:30 PM)
bluefireeyez, Thank you for your response. i know that i WANT to be His submissive but do not feel very submissive right now while i am so overwelmed. i guess my biggest concern is that i do not feel that He will be open to what i have to say and instead will tell me how hard all of this is on Him. Then it feels as though it is a "my life is harder than Your life" battle. Does anyone know what i mean by this or has experienced the same thing? fawn

DarkSteven -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/14/2009 8:37:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gentlefawn my biggest concern is that i do not feel that He will be open to what i have to say and instead will tell me how hard all of this is on Him. Then it feels as though it is a "my life is harder than Your life" battle. What is this concern based on? Is it based on experience with him or with someone else?

master4subbie -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 5:45:21 AM)
While it is a problem when one loses his job or has a change that keeps him at home more, a problem that internally makes one feel extremely insecure or even useless, it does lead to depression and leads to tv watching and playing games instead of standing up and finding his place of partnership in a relationship. It will take some time and patience to help him out of his stupor, wish you well, it is a difficult time for you.

barelynangel -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 6:07:27 AM)
You've made it clear what you see your dynamic is -- you are his WIFE not his submissive. From your posts unless i missed it does he consider himself your Dom or have you simply fallen into trying to be the submissive without actually defining the full concept between you two? Have you actually said to him -- I need your help because you are home and I am getting really run down here. Have you asked specificially -- can you make sure the daughter does this and this today when she gets home. Call him during the day and ask him to start dinner that you will be home in an hour or so. Ask him to pay and mail the bills on the table etc. I mean you said he is use to being gone, it could simply be he is so used to the status quo of being NOT AT HOME, its not occuring to him WHAT needs to be done. I mean can he be observant -- sure --- the thing is he isn't. He doesn't seem to be connecting the dots between you are exhausted etc, what he is probably basing all this on is that he is usually gone so you do all of this anyway. Try getting specific what you need help with. See what he does. Ask him if it would help if you leave him a list of some things you could use help with daily. He may surprise you and all this is is a concept that he has no clue how you do it and actual things may help him get started in a concept most people take for granted because they do it EVERY day. It could be he is afraid of acknowledging the status quo and more so to CHANGE it because it would be acknowledging everything you as a wife can fear, be resentful of etc. the fact he isn't working as much. I do understand what you are speaking about BUT what would you be doing if he WAS on the road as much -- would you be resentful, upset, irritated, etc? Be careful that your resentment and stress isn't about him NOT helping and is more because you are worried, scared, or feeling off balance because of this change in his circumstances in work. Your feelings right now could be more than him not helping out and you are simply seeing a surface concept you are attributing them too. Because if it is deeper, approaching him about all this in a way where you are saying you are tired, you are exhausted etc -- when normally you would be doing all this because he wasn't at home -- could lead to him to feel guilty -- not about THIS but when he is on the road etc. Wpuld you still feel exhausted, tired, etc etc etc if he was on the road as usual and you had to do it all? If the answer is remotely yes, then perhaps there are deeper issues here. Just a thought, angel

IrishMist -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 6:19:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gentlefawn Hello friends. I have never posted here before but i have a question that i could really use some input on. Master and i have been together for nearly 9 years and married for 4 1/2 years. He has been on the road driving truck for the past 2 1/2 years and is home usually on weekends. i work full-time and am raising our (his biological) 15yo daughter. Lately, with the economy being so bad, He as not been on the road as much. i am struggling with some issues. He is home all day right now when not out on the road. i come home after working a 10+ hour day to find that He has been watching TV or playing on the computer all day. The house needs to be picked up, dinner needs to be made, laundry needs to be done, animals cared for and bills paid. He has not even been guiding the daughter in her normal after school chores. i am exhausted and am feeling very resentful. i can not ever get close to catching up to everything that needs to be done. i also am the one who takes care of the money and paying bills so i am very stressed that He is not working as much and therefore difficult to keep up on our bills. So, please, tell me if any of you have gone through this. If yes, what did you do? i am feeling like i need to just say that i am not submissive and as His wife, i need His help. How do i vocalize to Him how i am feeling and tell Him that i need His help to get all of this done? i feel that i have tried to explain to Him that between work and home, i am exhausted and feel like nothing more than a "work horse" with no appreciation for all that is expected of me. Looking forward to your input. fawn Ahh, does this ever sound familiar [:)] When I first met my late husband, he worked 12 hour shifts; three days one week, four days the next week; from 8 to 8, switching every month day to night and night to day. I stayed home; he had three youngins from a previous relationship; two were teenagers and one was 10. We had been together about 5 years when I got pregnant. When the baby was 2, he was diagnosed with cancer. Suddenly, he was home ALL the time. It absolutly drove me fucking nuts. I was so used to my own time, my own routine; that having him there like, through everything off. Suddenly, I had no time alone, twice as much to clean up and do; not to mention that he was not a very good person when he was sick...one of those that get's surly and mean [8D] Withing two weeks, I had had enough and was ready to walk out the door, that's how bad it was. I left one day and came back about 4 hours later. Told him...TOLD HIM...that I had gotten a job and that I would be starting in two weeks. His only comment was " I am surprised it took you this long" It's going to take some adjustments, there is no way around it. Nothing is impossible to work through; you just need to take time with him, sit down, and talk this through.

gentlefawn -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 7:06:41 AM)
i thank you all for your input. We usually have great communication but this issue has been a sticky point a few times in our relationship. i will take ALL of this input. Thank you so very much. fawn

subtlebutterfly -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 8:09:09 AM)
am I the only one who finds the name of this thread disturbing? I mean only 'cause a person can't be bothered seeing their SO hang inside all day watching tv n not doing jackshit or feeling down all day shouldn't make you any less of a submissive[8\|]

IrishMist -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 8:24:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly am I the only one who finds the name of this thread disturbing? I mean only 'cause a person can't be bothered seeing their SO hang inside all day watching tv n not doing jackshit or feeling down all day shouldn't make you any less of a submissive[8\|] Some people struggle more than others when they are suddenly faced with different circumstances. It changes their outlook on not only how they view their SO, but also themselves. Just because you may be Miss SuperSubmissiveWhoNeverQuestionsHerself does not mean that others are that blessed. [8\|]

RCdc -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 8:37:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly am I the only one who finds the name of this thread disturbing? I mean only 'cause a person can't be bothered seeing their SO hang inside all day watching tv n not doing jackshit or feeling down all day shouldn't make you any less of a submissive[8\|] Not disturbing, no. That's a bit to over dramatic to me. I see a couple of people struggling and a woman concerned about it's affect on her relationship. It must be hell to suddenly find yourself at home more than you are away, when your not used to that. What needs to be understood is that this sitting down all day is a sign of depression. Now it might not last, but it's totally expected when your a person who has been hit jobwise because of the economy. So, right now the OP has to take on the care of another. It doesn't alter her orientation, but it can feel like a huge burden and some people can struggle with it and question stuff that might be out of character. It can ake people question things - and that's healthy IMO. Both parites need to focus on the fact that they aren't alone and that there is help out there if this persists beyond thier own comfort zones. the.dark.

leadership527 -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 8:40:43 AM)
Fawn: As I understand the situation, you are in a relationship where you are identifiesd as a sub/slave. It is your opinion that your Master is not contributing equally/fairly to the relationship. Look, this is really simple. Since there is no such thing really as a "sub" or a "slave", there is only "you", you can simplify the whole problem by saying, "Is this current relationship appropriate and healthy for YOU." Forget about what it may or may not be for someone else or even worse -- for some fictional role such as sub/slave. Clearly, based upon your posting, it is not. That means it has to change. For the record, I consider my wife my slave and expect her obedience in all things. But I also view us as a team trying to "win at life". And, I expect that I hold up my fair share of the team. So I, at least, do not see your desire for a more or less equal sharing of the workload to be contrary to any authority dynamic.

subtlebutterfly -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 8:59:13 AM)
true ;) think nothing wrong with the OP's question itself..I just started wondering about the name of the thread itself in a way uhmmmm difficult to explain neva mind[:)]

junecleaver -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 10:57:40 AM)
I like to talk about my feelings until both of our ears bleed. I don't know. I just try until I finally find the way that gets through to my partner that this is what I need and I'm not getting. I agree with others that there is very little that cannot be worked through.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 12:25:52 PM)
OP: I think the question SHOULD be: Is he really a master? He lets his household go, his child's schoolwork put aside, and you question yourself? Really? Pfffttt... I would not sub to that. I have to respect my Master.

RCdc -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 12:32:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx OP: I think the question SHOULD be: Is he really a master? He lets his household go, his child's schoolwork put aside, and you question yourself? Really? Pfffttt... I would not sub to that. I have to respect my Master. Way to go on the empathy.[8\|] the.dark.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 1:18:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx OP: I think the question SHOULD be: Is he really a master? He lets his household go, his child's schoolwork put aside, and you question yourself? Really? Pfffttt... I would not sub to that. I have to respect my Master. Way to go on the empathy.[8\|] the.dark. ty!! Op, I DO empathize with you. That's why I was so strong in my words about your dom. You feel confused because your dom does not do what must be done in the house. It ALL falls on your shoulders. You're resentful, tired and almost broken. And yet...you question your own self. Sounds like you are submissive to me...

kiwisub12 -> RE: Am i really a submissive/slave???? (4/15/2009 3:19:54 PM)
If your signifigant other isn't working as much as he used to, he is probably depressed and afraid - and one way people deal with fear is not to acknowledge that they are afraid. He may be avoiding any discussion about finances and duties because he will have to acknowlege that there are issues that are affecting him and you. He may even get angry, because being angry is easier for some people than fear. Asking for his help may make it easier for him, because it puts him in a position of being a rescuer, not a loser. And since he is a male, be specific, VERY specific about what you want him to do. And for how long. As in not just for one day or one week. Good luck,

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