RE: seeking to understand...

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urlittleprincess -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 7:24:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: N4SDChastity Little Princess, From your responses to my offerings, I think that my "all of the above" may be creating a vortex within which your natural concern may be driving your inter fears. With all that you say is wearing on his mind... Men, unlike women, often find it harder to disassociate themselves from the external worries and fears of BEING the one responsible for "it all" (yes, yes, I know we are NOT, and I am sure that on some level HE does, too, but that does not change the feeling that we ARE the one responsible for BEING the strong one, the decider, the one who puts it all together and makes it ALL good for ALL under our "care."). In that capacity, the weight of the world can and often does supersede acknowledging that some of the needs of those are gettinf trampled. I eHat to plug the work of others but, Steve Harvey has a book out that may give you mountains of insight into what is going on inside your man's head. In effect, aside from the emotional (and, spiritual?!?!?) connection he IS maintaining WITH you, in spite of ALL the pressures you admit are in play (and, probably a few others you may not be awaere of), he IS trying to show his concern, caring, and probably deep-seeded love for you by trying to solve your family issues, too, along with his problems. In his mind, I would be willing to be that he sees this as his duty, first and foremost. Failing or even faltering in the face of it puts himself in a lesser light, and diminishes his value to you (whether he admits or not, it is a reality) as a Man. since we Men tend to tie our sexual ID to our outward worth (I make more than Jim, so I am obviously more VIRILE than Jim), all of this could be causing him to doubt his own sexual prowess, to some degree. Schitt!!! Did I just undermine his manhood? I hope he isn't reading this!!! I am glad I made you laugh, though. lol...no worries, He is definitely not reading any of this. i can see your point to some degree because He does try to 'fix' all my issues...and if He can't or if i choose to do something differently He takes it personally. He is definitely maintaining that connection with me...last night He came home from work very tired...seemed deflated...He just wanted to be close...so we sat together...snuggled and cuddled...i think this added issue of sex is worrying Him...perhaps afraid i will choose to leave over it. He wanted me close all evening and all night...but when i tried to talk about the issue this morning He was defensive and shut down. i spoke with Him a bit later and assured HIm that He means far more tome than the issue and it seemed to calm Him a bit...i just wish i could know for certain what the issue was and how to fix it...i guess i just have to focus on my own issues to a degree and let Him work this out for a while...i think He has to figure out what it is He truly wants...to move to my home city or stay here...put it all into the relationship or step out....see the doctor and try to control the ED or not....ill revisit it with Him in a couple days when it isn't so raw? im reading 'the secret' right now...perhaps i will just 'wish' a better sex life into existence!! ;)

urlittleprincess -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 7:34:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Do you think he'd be receptive to you bringing in another to meet your needs? not a chance!! He is very possessive of me and would never share. His jealousy can inspire great anger in HIm and i dont want or need that! He cant stand it when i speak with other men or have to switch up dance partners away from Him in dance class!! often He decides to keep me for Himself at class...lol sometimes it is almost smothering...He knows i have male friends who i stay in touch with online (from back home) and when He comes home from work turns off my computer. last night He told me the computer was done for the night...when i questioned why He asked if i wanted it to be gone for 2 days? silly and like it was like a punishment, but actually, He just wanted my full attentions...He knows full well that if i were to like someone enough to engage in sexual activity with them, it would be a matter of time before i would put my all into that relationship. i would like to find a solution with Him before entertaining thoughts of satisfying my needs elsewhere because to me, elsewhere means leaving first...

GotSteel -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 7:51:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiyari Aighty, here is one view from a non D/s female: The fellow just does not find you sexually inspiring. This blares loud and clear. This, IMO, is NOT going to change, no matter how you contort in the attempt. For why? There is the mystery, but it is fair irrelevant as regards your findng what you reasonably crave with him. If you can resolve to enjoy Him and eschew your sexual needs... Well, he takes no interest in your sexual needs... Perhaps he prefers men? (ya, a cheap shot, yet... perhaps not so off the mark, here?) The advice on this thread and others has mostly seemed reasonable but there are some people that really make me question whether they live in a cage in a basement somewhere with no social interaction. I understand the anti-relationship people forwarding their agenda of knocking relationships. I can even understand the poly people saying sounds like you need a fuck buddy pick me pick me. [8\|] Seems like telling someone who sounds like they are embarrassed about their ability to function as a man that she wants to fuck someone else because he can't satisfy her is the opposite of a good idea. But I can understand people who don't remember what monogamy is like or just want to get in the OPs pants coming up with it. What I don't get is posts with a hurtful tone that just plain aren't helpful. Why did you even write this? To the OP good luck, hope he comes around sooner rather than later. Until then, assuming you don't have masturbation restrictions, I'd recommend the Hitachi. It's a great vibrator and hopefully will take the edge off so that you can concentrate on what's best for his health.

urlittleprincess -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 8:15:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GotSteel The advice on this thread and others has mostly seemed reasonable but there are some people that really make me question whether they live in a cage in a basement somewhere with no social interaction. I understand the anti-relationship people forwarding their agenda of knocking relationships. I can even understand the poly people saying sounds like you need a fuck buddy pick me pick me. [8\|] Seems like telling someone who sounds like they are embarrassed about their ability to function as a man that she wants to fuck someone else because he can't satisfy her is the opposite of a good idea. But I can understand people who don't remember what monogamy is like or just want to get in the OPs pants coming up with it. What I don't get is posts with a hurtful tone that just plain aren't helpful. Why did you even write this? To the OP good luck, hope he comes around sooner rather than later. Until then, assuming you don't have masturbation restrictions, I'd recommend the Hitachi. It's a great vibrator and hopefully will take the edge off so that you can concentrate on what's best for his health. thank you for your kind words. i think sometimes it is easy for people to forget that there is a real live flesh and blood person with feelings reading the replies...the internet can be a cold place at times, but when you (in this case 'i'...) put some of my biggest worries and hurts online, i have to expect some callous replies. unfortunately, truth can be found even in those posts. for the most part though, i have been pleasantly surprised by the thoughtful nature of the replies...concerns for His health, both our well being...and i appreciate it greatly! my heart is aching right now because i can see how He is hurting. He tries so hard to give me everything...all the love, affection and care in the world! the D/s is lacking but last night He took some small steps at giving me what i need...taking a little control! but it still hurts...and i dont know what to do. He is resistent...doesn't want to really acknowledge let alone deal with things...and i can't fix this by myself. i can't live in silence and pretend everything is A-OK when it isn't...so one way or another, it will work itself out...hopefully together... i dont have masturbation restrictions...thank goodness...but to be honest...it just isnt fullfilling me much anymore. sometimes i actually cry after because it feels so empty and lonesome...but anyway...thank you very much for your kindness...it is greatly appreciated! :)

RealSub58 -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 10:07:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess SNIP ................but because the actual D/s is so infrequent i am fairly resistent now. . ...... I am going to ask what D/s is? In our relationship, D/s is the surrendering of my will to my Sir and his responsibility to be my safe harbor in his authority. Did you mean to say BDSM (the actual play stuff) is infrequent? If I were "resistant" to my Sir, I would mean I am not submitting to his authority and dominance. that is my question. why on earth would he want all the physical closeness of kissing, and constant touching...if he says he is not sexually attracted at this time? My Sir is attracted, I believe to the genuine need I have to submit to him in all things. I can't help but think of masturbation when I am reading this. I am not a woman who needs or wants to masturbate every day or every week. I am not attracted to "doing myself." On the other side, I call my Sir every night. He is attracted to the fact that I willingly call him (submitting to his control and demand to call him every night) and just before he sleeps, he masturbates. Do you want sexual attraction so you might "play" or have intercourse? I want and need attraction emotionally, mentally, spiritually more than sexual attraction. The sexual aspect follows. I am sorry this is a tough spot for you. I congratulate you for speaking to your dominant before posting here.

IrishMist -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 11:40:44 AM)
~fast general reply not aimed at anyone in particular~ I admit; I am truly surprised by all the people on this thread who are encouraging the OP to leave the relationship, or to find outside fulfillment. Personally, I applaud her for *wanting* to stay and work this out with a man she obviously adores and is worried about. [sm=applause.gif] Too often people are so ready to just walk out without giving it their all. It's refreshing to see someone who is not willing to do that.

angelikaJ -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 12:03:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess quote: ORIGINAL: GotSteel The advice on this thread and others has mostly seemed reasonable but there are some people that really make me question whether they live in a cage in a basement somewhere with no social interaction. I understand the anti-relationship people forwarding their agenda of knocking relationships. I can even understand the poly people saying sounds like you need a fuck buddy pick me pick me. [8\|] Seems like telling someone who sounds like they are embarrassed about their ability to function as a man that she wants to fuck someone else because he can't satisfy her is the opposite of a good idea. But I can understand people who don't remember what monogamy is like or just want to get in the OPs pants coming up with it. What I don't get is posts with a hurtful tone that just plain aren't helpful. Why did you even write this? To the OP good luck, hope he comes around sooner rather than later. Until then, assuming you don't have masturbation restrictions, I'd recommend the Hitachi. It's a great vibrator and hopefully will take the edge off so that you can concentrate on what's best for his health. thank you for your kind words. i think sometimes it is easy for people to forget that there is a real live flesh and blood person with feelings reading the replies...the internet can be a cold place at times, but when you (in this case 'i'...) put some of my biggest worries and hurts online, i have to expect some callous replies. unfortunately, truth can be found even in those posts. for the most part though, i have been pleasantly surprised by the thoughtful nature of the replies...concerns for His health, both our well being...and i appreciate it greatly! my heart is aching right now because i can see how He is hurting. He tries so hard to give me everything...all the love, affection and care in the world! the D/s is lacking but last night He took some small steps at giving me what i need...taking a little control! but it still hurts...and i dont know what to do. He is resistent...doesn't want to really acknowledge let alone deal with things...and i can't fix this by myself. i can't live in silence and pretend everything is A-OK when it isn't...so one way or another, it will work itself out...hopefully together... i dont have masturbation restrictions...thank goodness...but to be honest...it just isnt fullfilling me much anymore. sometimes i actually cry after because it feels so empty and lonesome...but anyway...thank you very much for your kindness...it is greatly appreciated! :) ED is a symptom that something is amiss. It might be reversable if the causes are treated. Once his body is functioning better, he will likely feel better over all. What he likely does not realise is that this is a quality of life issue for him (and you). It may be that he feels so diminished that he isn't able to feel sexual at all right now... and he just hasn't figured that out yet and it translates to his not being attracted to you. Do you think having him watch you masturbate or having you masturbate for him would make you feel less alone?

camille65 -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 12:04:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist ~fast general reply not aimed at anyone in particular~ I admit; I am truly surprised by all the people on this thread who are encouraging the OP to leave the relationship, or to find outside fulfillment. Personally, I applaud her for *wanting* to stay and work this out with a man she obviously adores and is worried about. [sm=applause.gif] Too often people are so ready to just walk out without giving it their all. It's refreshing to see someone who is not willing to do that. I just read the entire thread and my take was the opposite of yours. I saw most replies as encouraging her to try and talk to him about it or describing their own experiences with ED. Most times though I would agree, there is often a reaction of 'run run away now omg runnnnnnnn Forrest runnnnnn' on these boards which drives me nuts, but this thread.. not so much. OP, ohboy. We started out online and long distance. When we did meet it was a week of delicious debauchery that left me weak kneed. Well crap this is hard (no pun intended) for me. Now that I've moved close to him and see him so much more often I realized he suffers from ED. I went through this silent and long bout of self doubt, thinking that I wasn't sexually attractive to him yadda yadda because he never once mentioned why. Why. Whyyyyyyy. But he verbally shows me that he is attracted and I know that he loves me. Our time together has changed a bit. Um. There is rarely penetration. But, but he does spend a whole lot of time making sure that I am sexually satisfied. The focus has shifted yeah, and I still don't understand what it feels like from the ED side of things. I don't know, I can't tell if HE is satisfied and that bothers me. Crap. I really don't have anything to offer you, do I? Sorry. This probably isn't a good day for me to try and figure this out, I hope I didn't confuse your issues. I think I wanted to tell you that you aren't alone.. thats all. Now I am sitting here doing that lengthy debate of 'do I post, or do I delete?'

dreamerdreaming -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 12:12:47 PM)
This would really piss me off. You DON'T hafta put up with it. Since he can't keep an erection, now you can't have your own sexual needs and desires addressed?! What, they're just supposed to go away?! That's bullshit. It doesn't take a hard-on to satisfy a woman, and a man in his forties should know that. If he is so selfish that he can't do you with his fingers, mouth, a dildo, vibrator or anything else besides his dick, he doesn't deserve to keep you IMHO. I'd walk.

KnightofMists -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 12:47:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess yes, it is a very personal issue...but if He will not address it with me, and i have no one to speak with, am i to suffer my thoughts and worries in silence? Do you think violating his trust and confidence is going to fix the problem? or maybe just make a new bigger problem?!

Bstardsbitch -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 12:52:02 PM)
Knightof Mists, My thoughts exactly. Thankyou for saying it before I put my foot in it . xx

alianora -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 12:55:33 PM)
quote: Do you think violating his trust and confidence is going to fix the problem? or maybe just make a new bigger problem?! This is something that I agree with. While I sympathize with the issue at hand; considering his wanting of privacy, coming to a public message board and airing your issues is not the way to go. Even though you said that he no longer is on CM and never used the boards anyway; what are you going to say if he suddenly one day, decides to take a peek here and finds this? How will you explain your lack of concern for his feelings? With all that said, I do understand your need to talk to someone about this; especially since, according to your words; he does not seem willing to discuss it himself. The only advice I am going to offer is to say that it apparantly has become a 'quality of life' issue which must be addressed; whether he wants to address it or not. If you care about the relationship succeeding; then you have to take a stand and force the issue with him...in a way that is respectful of course [:)]

urlittleprincess -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 1:49:53 PM)
some of you disagree with my posting about this issue here...see it as a breach of His trust...i am sorry you feel that way but that is your own issue, not mine. im doing what i can to deal with my own thoughts and feelings right now. i did not come to this forum for any purpose but to help us STAY together as us...and with the utmost concern for His feelings and well being. also to help myself deal with a situation i am finding to be incredibly difficult. i dont throw judgments on others for lifestyle choices or choosing to go on and on about how wonderful their poly arrangements are etc...if im not interested or disagree with the post ill move on...regardless, i love Him...want us to work together...and will do my best to be supportive of Him right now...thank you...

KnightofMists -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 3:37:26 PM)
It really is irrelevant if we think it is a breach of trust or not... What would HE think of what you are doing? I think the answer is obvious based upon what you already provided. I don't doubt your desire to make this relationship work for the better of both of you. However, sometimes the best laid intentions do not justify the actions one takes no matter how they try to justify it. I don't fault your intentions.. it is you choice of action that very well could be your achille's heel.

marie2 -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 4:11:21 PM)
Oh please, you guys. People sit here and talk about their personal/private issues every day. She knows him better than anyone reading this thread. If she thought she was doing him wrong, she probably wouldn't be posting it. She's not trashing the guy. Obviously she's sincere, and she has tried going to the source and he's not cooperating. So now she is looking for support, in what seems to be a last ditch effort, to save her relationship. This is her call to make. Passing judgement on how she decided to deal with this is completely counter productive.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 6:14:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist ~fast general reply not aimed at anyone in particular~ I admit; I am truly surprised by all the people on this thread who are encouraging the OP to leave the relationship, or to find outside fulfillment. Personally, I applaud her for *wanting* to stay and work this out with a man she obviously adores and is worried about. [sm=applause.gif] Too often people are so ready to just walk out without giving it their all. It's refreshing to see someone who is not willing to do that. I dont know about that. There is history of problems even before she moved in with him. FIrst, he decided he didnt want to be her Dominant anymore and now this. She thought he was one thing but he keeps changing the dynamics.

SailingBum -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/16/2009 11:01:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum yep hit the doc, hit the drugs, tap dat booty. BadOne good advice! i was afraid to read your remarks because sometimes...well...has anyone ever compared you to 'House'? ;) (love that show by the way!) The kinder gentler me smirk BadOne

urlittleprincess -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/22/2009 7:38:27 AM)
this has been a difficult subject for me...but i want to thank everyone for their response. all have been thought provoking although some less comfortable than others. thats good though...made me think!! we have been talking...and He has shared with me the stress of His work life...more than i knew was happening...i have a new insight into His life. this isn't just a simple matter of sex or no sex...it is deeper and i am willing to work it through with Him. He will see a doctor and we will go from there!! i let Him know that He means the world to me and i would not abandon Him due to His current sexual difficulties...that seemed to lift a huge weight off of Him...time to work to get on track... :) again...thanks to all...for your support... :)

dreamerdreaming -> RE: seeking to understand... (4/22/2009 9:17:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess this has been a difficult subject for me...but i want to thank everyone for their response. all have been thought provoking although some less comfortable than others. thats good though...made me think!! we have been talking...and He has shared with me the stress of His work life...more than i knew was happening...i have a new insight into His life. this isn't just a simple matter of sex or no sex...it is deeper and i am willing to work it through with Him. He will see a doctor and we will go from there!! i let Him know that He means the world to me and i would not abandon Him due to His current sexual difficulties...that seemed to lift a huge weight off of Him...time to work to get on track... :) again...thanks to all...for your support... :) I stand by my earlier post. Just because he's got ED isssues, is no excuse why he should not or could not satisfy you sexually. Whether with his fingers, a vibrator, dildo etc. the fact is he is still capable of satisfying you. If he won't put forth that effort, he's ignoring your needs and desires, and that makes him a very selfish person indeed. Its lovely that you want to pay attention to his needs, but you have a right to insist on reciprocation. You have needs too. Insist on his attention to the matter of your satisfaction. "To thine own self be true." -William Shakespeare

MasterFilsAime -> RE: seeking to understand... (6/5/2009 1:05:19 AM)
i'm sorry it's been so long, but how's everything, i hope all is well, how is everything with you and your man, did anything work out with that, hope patients is still with you.?

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