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Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/30/2006 5:37:48 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I watched a really intense, aggressive scene this weekend and it got me thinking. I have heard the claim that generally speaking many bottoms wish the partner would go a little further/harder than the Dom/top is willing or capable of doing. For those of you that top in aggressive play (play rape or other forms), do you have emotional concerns regarding your own head space? That is, do you have fears about allowing yourself to be brutal in that way, even with consent and careful preparation? Is there any concern that you will need to be increasingly aggressive in order to achieve the same adrenaline rush? Anxiety that you may get caught up in the scene and "lose yourself?" As a top, do you find you need some aftercare also, and what type?
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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/30/2006 5:57:15 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Thank you for posting this, it is something I would very much want to know other Doms' take on.
I generally do not take things as far as my Pet would like, this is not so much from a fear that I would get too brutal, but more from a desire to let her experience each level of intensity before moving on to the next. That being said, yes I do find myself wanting to push things at times, and wanting to get quite brutal, and having to take a step back so to speak (I find giving her an orgasm at that point is a good way for me to retain my equilibrium without her being aware). I intend to take her to these places eventually, it is my opinion that diving right into the deep end is a mistake...where do you go from there for further excitement.
As for after care, I find that giving her the after care she needs is usually all the aftercare I could ever hope for, the process of holding and soothing her is very soothong to me as well.

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/30/2006 5:59:41 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

I watched a really intense, aggressive scene this weekend and it got me thinking. I have heard the claim that generally speaking many bottoms wish the partner would go a little further/harder than the Dom/top is willing or capable of doing. For those of you that top in aggressive play (play rape or other forms), do you have emotional concerns regarding your own head space? That is, do you have fears about allowing yourself to be brutal in that way, even with consent and careful preparation? Is there any concern that you will need to be increasingly aggressive in order to achieve the same adrenaline rush? Anxiety that you may get caught up in the scene and "lose yourself?" As a top, do you find you need some aftercare also, and what type?


Yes to all of the above.

I handle the worries of going too far by building up slowly and pulling myself back. My motto is "there's always another scene" so it's fine to just stretch it out.

As far as the aftercare- yup. I want feedback, I want connectivity, I want to follow my bottom and make sure things have continued well.

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/30/2006 6:04:28 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips
For those of you that top in aggressive play (play rape or other forms), do you have emotional concerns regarding your own head space?


No

quote:

That is, do you have fears about allowing yourself to be brutal in that way, even with consent and careful preparation?


No - I am comfortable we being who I am and doing what I enjoy doing.

quote:


Is there any concern that you will need to be increasingly aggressive in order to achieve the same adrenaline rush?


No - I don't try to repeat - every experience is individual and is treated as such. But, past experience do allow me to maximize the moment to a greater degree.


quote:


Anxiety that you may get caught up in the scene and "lose yourself?"


No - I find myself to increasing my control of self within play - not less

quote:


As a top, do you find you need some aftercare also, and what type?


Yes - we all could benefit from aftercare... However, aftercare to me is more than are you Ok emotionally... to me is feedback on the quality of the play what was good and what wasn't. What do you remember from it... what was your perspective. I like the bottom to ask me questions as well... appreciating what I saw and enjoyed. We are each looking at the play from a different perspective, seeing it from the other allows a more fully view of the play. Something that assists me in further plays... I want to learn from the experience.



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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/30/2006 6:40:59 PM   
wantstlc


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with KnightsofMist aftercare isnt just cuddles and kisses to complete the scene i always prefer to let the boy come round then W/we sit and discuss how W/we felt about the scening and what can be improved etc how can you learn if u don't communicate - communication afterwards is a must for me

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/30/2006 6:57:51 PM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		I'll go with the simple answer......... Yes to all of the above. I spent my younger years with a vicious temper that I learned to control. I now have to watch myself carefully to make sure the control is never lost. I LOVE to do the play rape scenes and my Sub loves them too but I still carefully maintain a pocket of emotional control deep inside even when I'm at my most intense outside.

My after care involves assuring myself that she is okay and has not had a problem with what we did. Once I know she is okay, then I can relax and enjoy the afterglow of the adrenaline rush.

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/30/2006 8:03:03 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		When you play in very primal space there is always the risk that the beast will come out more than you want it to. It is something that you deal with as a Top, playing on the edge.
If you acknowledge the possibility then it certainly helps you keep track of where your are. I have two head spaces where this concern is held for me. The first is the God complex headspace, when I start to reach the point where my mind starts to believe I can do no wrong, it's time for me to stop or really shift the scene to something else.
The other is the very primal head space where I let the beast out to play a bit and then it's a matter of keeping the beast in check enough to stay safe. Allowing the beast out to play a bit now and then certainly makes it easier to keep him in check during the rest of life.

In Leather

Archer

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/30/2006 8:28:17 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		All interesting responses and perspectives.

quote:

Allowing the beast out to play a bit now and then certainly makes it easier to keep him in check during the rest of life.


You find it easier to do that, not that your "beast" struggles to get out more. Some might argue the opposite, but I do not know how that actually plays out for most.

Although I have been involved in some aggressive or fairly heavy topping in the past, I have been a little reluctant to go there again. Part of this is because I currently don't have a person I am at that comfort level with. But part of it is because of my own reactions.

Then I do have concerns about diving into the deep end as Arpig stated.

I accidentally fell into my first s/D dynamic and I was so attracted to that intoxicating feeling while topping that I overlooked some fairly obvious red flags in the relationship itself. After an intense scene I would soothe and reassure him, sometimes saying things I would not normally say. This led to later guilt, as I felt he was more emotionally vested in the relationship than I and the nurturing aftercare was really somewhat misleading on my part. (Which I didn't realize was aftercare, because I really was just playing instinctively.) That guilt led to a feeling of responsibility and obligation, which circled right around and pushed me into overlooking those red flags. It was kind of a weird cycle and seemed really tied into the aftercare in some sense. Guilt, the need to protect or nurture, a false bond?

These things make me a little reluctant to be too aggressive until I feel like I have a very solid understanding of the mental and emotional side of topping.

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/30/2006 10:37:38 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Well for me it's a matter of controled letting the beast out makes them less likely to spill out at other inappropriate times. Certainly I enjoy letting him out more often now that I don't fear not being able to put him away again afterwards.


In Leather

Archer

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/31/2006 8:13:05 AM   
desoutter


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline 		Sesualips - Great question!

1 - As for subs that wish Dom/Tops would go further than they are willing or capable - in my experience its about half of all doms Ive seen. Usually dom and sub are a good match (with experience). They usually know what works and what doesnt - a good dom is always willing and able to go just a bit more if the sub is... even if the scene is intense - a good dom also knows when a little further may be a little too much for sub... even if she doesnt feel that way (health and safety wise).

2. This is a great question - I have participated in play rape / interogation scenes and I cant say I have had 'emotional concerns'. The exploration of these scenarios were in some way - emotionally fulfilling. It gives me a good understanding of the sub and her needs by also allowing me to explore my own head space. Aftercare is crucial for me following scenes of this intensity... consent and careful preparation aside... aftercare and afterthoughts are often overlooked but must be provided and actively pursued. A great deal of stamina is required for these types of scenes by both dom/sub emotionally and physically and should not be explored without careful preparation and communication. I have not felt uncomfortable with these scenes (emotionally) - but that is due in large part to my relationship with the sub and her thoughts on what she is exploring.

3. I do not have fears about being brutal in these ways. The act in and of itself is an exploration of head spaces (both dom and sub) It is mutual. To fear this exploration is not something to be looked down upon though. Just by being aware of what you are about to encounter is more than enough information for one to decide on pursuing these types of scenes. You said you watched a really intense, aggressive scene... and it got you thinking... this is an amazing time. This alone helps to define your own emotional balance and steer you towards or away from what you are willing to explore - emotionally and physically.

4. I am not concerned about needing to be increasingly aggressive. I have found a balance in myself. In other words - my head and my heart know when enough is enough - for me. If a sub requires 'more' than what I am 'willing' to provide, communication will decide how to proceed in the future.

5. The adrenaline rush is a hard thing for me to describe - Its not really the 'rush' Im after... I find the exploration in and of itself is the emotional / mental satisfaction. A mutual decision to explore an aggressive / intense scene is an amazing experience... It is fueled by something seemingly uncontrollable and scary but powerful and pure. I have found my own experiences create a profound bond with myself and sub... one which to this day... years later - still remains.

lastly - My thoughts on 'losing yourself' - A safe word is very important to me - I could be out there like Pluto but if I hear the word - or something that even closely resembles the word - its over! - I am Officially snapped back to reality and we are done. Aftercare begins... and communication. There are times when a word cannot be spoken and these are the times - I do not allow myself to be 'lost' - this is a very critical time for awareness and care. If a sub cannot communicate effectively... they are in trouble already. I watch very closely for the 'safeword' especially if it cannot be spoken. My own aftercare is in no small part the 'aftercare' I provide to the sub - if that makes any sense:
The act of providing aftercare is what I need most to feel the scene was fullfilling. The act of aftercare for the sub can be a religious experience to me and is when I really space out... I can relax... Thats the final moment of zen for me... lol


short story long - This was great for me - to express things that are important to me - thank you!
desoutter

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/31/2006 6:07:25 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		I have been in a scene where my slave has wanted me to go further then I was at that time comfortable taking her. Would I or could I get caught up and loose that "contact" NO its a place I just cannot ever go.


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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 1/31/2006 7:45:30 PM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		Very interesting read! I am sending this link to my Dom who I am sure will enjoy it as well.

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 2/1/2006 6:28:06 AM   
HoosierScorpio


Posts: 164
Status: offline 		I have had some great scenes but I also find myself getting really worked up when I do certain scene I do. After every scene I do my after care involves holding and cuddling with the person I did the scene with. I do notice some times I get really turned on and must have some kind of sexual release with the person but this does not always mean sex either. As long they provide me some kind of service I am good to go but allot of times I never push it either if they are up to it or not. I think both need some forms of after care and time to come down from the scene they both experience.

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RE: Dom head space and aggressive play - 2/1/2006 10:06:47 AM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

For those of you that top in aggressive play (play rape or other forms), do you have emotional concerns regarding your own head space? That is, do you have fears about allowing yourself to be brutal in that way, even with consent and careful preparation?


My own headspace? No....not really. I will sometimes experience a bit of 'drop' if the scene was especially intense, or if I hadn't played for awhile. But even then, the drop is not a feeling of shame or regret for the things I may have done in the session...rather it's just my body adjusting from all of the naturally produced chemicals that occur during periods of intensity. Any concerns I have are reserved for the person I am playing with...and ensuring that they can handle it.

quote:


Is there any concern that you will need to be increasingly aggressive in order to achieve the same adrenaline rush? Anxiety that you may get caught up in the scene and "lose yourself?" As a top, do you find you need some aftercare also, and what type?


Again...not really a concern. I get a rush from all forms of play...regardless of how intense it may be. As for "getting lost.." I don't see that as much of an issue either, as I become 'hyper-focused' when I play. That focus, for me, is part of the rush. Knowing that I have total control over what is going on...which includes total control of self.

(Although...Murphy exists and will always bite you in the ass when you think you have the most control over a situation.)

As for aftercare..hmm... all I can really say is that I typically enjoy some alone time after an intense scene. I will care for my slave, tend her wounds, ensure that she is where I need her to be...then take some time for myself to unwind.

Anyway..hope that gives you some insight...

~Thorns


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"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

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