when you find yourself without a dom (Full Version)

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dacovale -> when you find yourself without a dom (4/19/2009 4:34:53 PM)

So as a sub outside of cyberspace. How do you go looking for your next dom when you find yourself without a master to make you feel that special way.
Do you look specificaly for a Dom, or people with dom traits, or simply find a guy/girl and simply have it kidna hit or miss if he/she shares your interests.

and on that note, how long do you wait till you tell him/her you want a master and not simply a significant other and at what progression do you give them that sort of control, it seems........ terrifying to simply give a stranger your leash before you know what kidna person they are (which I suppose also what would make it such a turn on) so I'm also wondering what it takes or how long it takes to know its time to let them in on it.



trainedobedients -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/19/2009 5:13:25 PM)

I personally will never go without that Ds dynamic. So it is best to be open and upfront I would use websites like these to find my partner. At least you know you are aware of the Ds scene and that is already a step closer to getting to know each other.

In vanilla life, you can try but you have more to explain and the chance of finding similar minded is not that big.

I wish you luck in your search and trust your instincts and be careful.




littlewonder -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/19/2009 5:27:26 PM)

I searched for a long term committed monogamous relationship with a dominant personality man, a leader.

I didn't just search c.com or other bdsm sites and I didn't specifically go looking for a "Master" or "Dom". I went in search of a man who is a dominant personality who wanted the same things that I do in life, someone that I had commonalities and I could communicate with clearly.

I searched for someone for a relationship..whether he had ever heard of bdsm or not.




LovingNcruelMs -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/19/2009 6:04:04 PM)

While searching online takes time and lots of effort.  I can tell you that in my 10 years of professional experience,  EVERY relationship I know of that started out vanilla and then evolved into a D/s situation ended in either divorce or worst in the couple staying together b/c of the kids while the partners rarely or NEVER had sex.  they barely spoke to one another and in every case judged the submissive in the equation to be lacking in smarts, strength and morals.   

a lot of my professional submissives have been men whose wives started out willing to "experiment" with BDSM when they were still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but ALL of the nilla women eventually got bored or disgusted with their husbands need to indulge in their fetishes over the years.  maintaining a LTR or marriage is always hard to begin with, but RARELY (since there are exceptions to every rule) can you maintain one when your definition of love is so different.  a strict, demanding vanilla woman is not the same as a strict kinky confident woman.  do yourself a favor stick to the sites and places KNOWN bdsm'ers hang out and leave the vanilla people to the other nillas.  it will save you a lot of frustration, embarrasment and money. 

I say this because almost evey one of the married men whose wives knew they were into BDSM, eventually left them and used their private longings against them in divorce and custody proceedings.



SlaveBlutarsky -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/19/2009 6:22:18 PM)

LovingNcruelMs

I pretty much concur with everything you've written. I still date vanilla women, but am very skeptical and careful about getting too involved with them unless I really see the ability for long term kinky potential. Even then it's not a sure thing, I've had two long term relationships where I've introduced this to the women and they've been responsive only to have it fizzle out.

A good friend of mine is now a married professional Domme (her and her husband have my ideal relationship :)) who started out as a very innocent vanilla and after 8 years of marriage, it just kind of clicked with her and now they are completely happy.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is a formula or a completely correct way in finding a partner.



porcelaine -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/19/2009 7:04:22 PM)

i think it depends on your needs truthfully. are you seeking a relationship built around an exchange or an exchange that might include a relationship as well? once you've decided don't limit yourself to one barrel of apples. there are dominant personalities that never identify in that vain. some simply don't need the label so to speak and prefer to focus on dominating instead. since the first doesn't imply that the latter exists.

this is a good time to hone your skills, spoil yourself, and do all those things that often get pushed aside when we're paired. whatever you decide be true to yourself and willing to compromise. i wish you luck on your search.

porcelaine



peppermint -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/19/2009 9:03:28 PM)

First, I do not NEED a Dominant in my life.  Sure, it's nice to have one but if I found myself single I wouldn't immediately begin a search for another one.  Second, I do not date vanilla.  In fact I finally made a rule to not go out with someone unless that person were a member of a munch or similar group.  I ran into too many men with 1 kink who figured they must be Dominant if they had a kink.

So, if I'm single again I'd do the same things I did when I used to be single.  I'd go to munch.  I'd attend events and hang out with my friends.  Someday I might even find someone who interests me at one of these social functions, just like Gary and I found each other.  There would be no instant obediance or trust.  That would be built over time as our friendship grew.  How long does that take?  However long it needs to take.  It might be 6 months, certainly no shorter than that, and such a quick acceptance would also requre daily interaction.  It might take a few years, or we might get along very well but that full trust never happens even after several years. 





pinkpolkadots -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/19/2009 10:19:14 PM)

i do find that as a released slave who didn't get out much (think Cinderalla befoer the fairy godmother came along - he didn't take me out much) i am enjoying exploring the S/M and experimental scenes with people who are friends or perhaps protectors much more than quicky trying to latch onto a new Master. Thre is a lot to do. for subbie girls it is hard to say "no" to a potential who wants things you don't want or cant really accomodate. Also it is a good time to make more effort to make friends with other subs and just see what makes other peoples relationships work.



angelikaJ -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/20/2009 12:25:39 AM)

FR
I think you could become involved with your local kink community and just get to know folks there.

You might develop friendships that could become a part of your support network and you never know who you might meet.



lizi -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/23/2009 5:54:24 PM)

Basically I think it would work best to actively look for a D type person through a site such as CM or in real life or wherever you happen to meet him. I think you would have better luck finding someone you are compatible with if they identify as being what you want - the D type. Trying to make someone into that later may or may not work as other posters have said and you also have to be careful that if you let a vanilla person know later on that you like kink that they won't feel deceived by you not letting them know right away.  



Interesdom -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/24/2009 7:02:22 AM)

One of the deciding factors as to whether to limit your search to places you know that people into BDSM will be - such as here - or whether to widen your search into the general outside world, is the extent of kink you need in your life.

If you need a sadist, or someone into rubber fetish, or bondage, or whatever kink you have, then I think it can be disastrous hoping to convert someone who might already be infatuated with you.  They may be put off by your kinky needs or they may go along with them to please you but to them it is likely to be only a fad and will die away, leaving you unfulfilled.

If you need someone to take you in hand, to dominate you and run your life but don't need the kink (even if you'd like it sometimes) then I think you are safe looking for a dominant personality in the general (and much larger) pool of people away from sites such as this.  You can also use sites such as this but just because someone on this site says they are dominant does not mean they are - and certainly does not mean they are your kind of dominant, whereas you are more likely to recognise the type when meeting in person.

Be safe.



littleone35 -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/24/2009 8:47:17 AM)

My advice is not to rush into a relationship just bcause you say you want to "feel special". I would not try to turn a vanilla into the Dom of your dreams. When my late Dom died (was released in that way) it took me a year to start looking then anothe year before i found Master. I looked on a BDSM site for him. What others said go to munches meet like minded people. If you neeed a D/s relationship then i would not date vanilla. it is very rare you will find what youy want. Good luck in your search.

Matt's littleone



daddysliloneds -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/25/2009 8:51:00 AM)

i looked for a beat and fuck partner to test the waters in areas of play that i haven't got to experience and always wanted to in past relationships; i got the whole package instead of just a playmate because i was as honest and forthright about my goals from the get-go and because he's just a wonderful guy.



dscouplenm -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/25/2009 7:17:10 PM)

I always naturally attracted and was naturally attracted to Doms. I'd have other relationships inbetween, but in each relationship with a Dom, it usually want so much as a couple dates in that they approached me and stated their desires. I'm naturally submissive and I suppose simply being the subservient attitude either way makes them more comfortable to speak what they want. I was also pretty decent at judging character... some guys give off the vibe, and some, you can tell they'd call me a freak and run. Religious background does tend to give a hint, too.

With my husband, He just seemed like a dominant person when I saw His myspace profile, so I wrote Him a message consisting simply of "permission to introduce myself?" He wrote back "permission granted" and we started talking. After we'd started our relationship without speaking of it, one day he put His hand around my throat lightly and said, "I'm putting a collar here, and you are Mine"... and we drew up a contract that day.



YourhandMyAss -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/25/2009 7:38:16 PM)

First of all for me Master and dom are two different things entirely.  And I don't need a Master or a Dom to make me feel special. When I was single I went to play parties and saw friends privatly to get those bdsm kinks met.

Online my profile tells people I am looking to meet a dom and in person, before we start any kind of relationship I make it clear what I am looking for once negotiations and the possibbility of a relationship come up and I have very explicit traits I am looking for, not just any guy or girl will do I am picky and have earned the right to be. It is acter all my health well being and sexuality I am handing over to them.
quote:

ORIGINAL: dacovale

So as a sub outside of cyberspace. How do you go looking for your next dom when you find yourself without a master to make you feel that special way.
Do you look specificaly for a Dom, or people with dom traits, or simply find a guy/girl and simply have it kidna hit or miss if he/she shares your interests.

and on that note, how long do you wait till you tell him/her you want a master and not simply a significant other and at what progression do you give them that sort of control, it seems........ terrifying to simply give a stranger your leash before you know what kidna person they are (which I suppose also what would make it such a turn on) so I'm also wondering what it takes or how long it takes to know its time to let them in on it.



LAgirlsub -> RE: when you find yourself without a dom (4/29/2009 2:25:49 AM)

pinkpolkadots...I don't understand. What do you mean it's hard to say no to a potential who wants things you don't want or can't accomodate? If you don't like what some dom is offering you (I'm assuming you're talking male doms only), then don't get connected to that person. I don't know if this is different that I'm looking only for dommes, but if she wants things I either don't feel comfortable with and it's not something I want to try then she's not someone I want to be with. Why would you feel this is hard to say no to?



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