How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (Full Version)

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hubbywants2submi -> How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 11:19:42 AM)

I have slowly attempted to have my beautiful, sweet, sexy, wife become the Dominant partner in our marriage. But to no avail in fact shes had a lack of interest for sometime. I have since the begining of our marriage been and enjoy serving Her. Even now I enjoy doing all the chores in and around the house to where she needs to do little to nothing. But I am home more now and this makes it very easy. I worked spanning 3 decades in a Authoritarian position within the government, where on a daily basis at my discretion, I used daily at my discretion many of the tools and mind control found for pleasure here on CollarMe. This is all I can say for that and this is only to hopefully find out where I might spark an interest in my wife or better understand her.

When we were married she had seen me in this line of work and I believe was attracted to the Domiant role of a man. If you read my journal it will explain how and why I so desire to enjoy the submissive role since I had been cultivated  & groomed as a young man by a couple and then was able to enjoy for a season my position as a sub.

I find it a little interesting that as I took on a career that allowed me to have total control of lives while able to apply many of the tools of pleasure you find on this very site. Though I did not find pleasure in their use I did enjoy my job completely. I was very good at what I did then but deep inside have always longed to rekindle my buring desire as a sub.

I have never been with anyone outside my marriage and not to say I have not come oh so very close. I find my being faithful is also enjoying my submissivness.



subtlebutterfly -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 11:22:05 AM)

If a person isn't interested...then she probably isn't interested.



hopeful68 -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 12:18:46 PM)

You cannot force someone to be one way or the other.  If she had Dominant tendencies, you would already know them.  As I am sure she enjoys being spoiled, that is far form being Dominant, as you already know.  You cannot force someone into any particular role.  If she isnt interested.. and if she 'tried' to be the person you wanted,  you are going to be unfulfilled going forward (more then likely), because she will not be able to 'hit the mark' because it is just not who she is.  You have some decisions to make.  Either, be happy with the person  you married, find another outside of your marriage that can fulfill you or end the marriage and find someone that fulfills that side of you.

Good luck



agirl -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 1:05:24 PM)

You mentioned in your profile that your wife has entertained the idea of another man.....so it appears neither of you are closed off to the idea of having other people in your lives.

It doesn't appear from your post that you wife is likely to embrace the role of your dominant .....but perhaps there the chance that you can mutually work out a way of living that enhances both your lives. It's obvious you care very much.

agirl



subtlebutterfly -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 1:18:42 PM)

k just a suggestion you two might want to go n meet up with a dominant who might be able to give your wife a better perspective..or go together to a dominatrix heck even try one session together or sum.[8|]



VeryNastyDom -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 1:37:18 PM)

So your wife was attracted to you initially because she saw you as a somewhat dominant male in your work, and now you want her to become your Domme?  After thirty years?  That may be a tad unfair as expectations go.

I tend to find that people are wired a certain way.  You can take a very submissive person and nudge them a bit further toward the slave role, or you can take somebody who has dominant tendencies and develop those.  But to expect her to switch from her normal behavior, which sounds pretty middle of the road to me, to dominant mode is probably not going to happen. 

It sounds like she is no into it since you have apparently discussed this.  About all you can do is ask for permission to explore this side of yourself elsewhere.



DesFIP -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 2:42:46 PM)

You have said you have slowly tried to mold her into a dominant female.
That's a lot different from sitting down over coffee and explaining openly what you now desire.

I would suggest open and honest communication instead of manipulation.

You must however accept the fact that just as you have a submissive mindset, it is equally possible she does not have a dominant one. She has as much right to be who she really is as you do. Manipulating her to fulfill your needs at the expense of hers is an unethical thing to do.



kiwisub12 -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 3:03:53 PM)

[sm=goodpost.gif]    What she said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



amydoll1477 -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 4:13:06 PM)

dominant nature isn't molded or created it's either there or it's not, sorry. If your forced to play another role it's only going to make your need for your true nature to come out more



dreamerdreaming -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 5:18:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You have said you have slowly tried to mold her into a dominant female.
That's a lot different from sitting down over coffee and explaining openly what you now desire.

I would suggest open and honest communication instead of manipulation.

You must however accept the fact that just as you have a submissive mindset, it is equally possible she does not have a dominant one. She has as much right to be who she really is as you do. Manipulating her to fulfill your needs at the expense of hers is an unethical thing to do.


[sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif]

Very well put, DesFIP!

OP, she's NOT interested in domming you. Get over it, and move on. Find a solution that you are happy with but DON'T try to change her into something she cleary has no desire to become. That's just so wrong.

What if she were actively trying to manipulate you into turning vanilla, after you'd made it abundantly clear you weren't interested? Wouldn't you be pissed off?

Stop it.

Let her be who she is, and who she wants to become.

Stop trying to make her into who you want her to be. It is unbelievably selfish of you, and not a loving thing to do at all.



Drifa -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 5:20:12 PM)

What I don't see in your question is where you sat down with your wife and explained, clearly and openly, exactly what you wanted and why, how you feel emotionally and physically, and so forth.  I got the sense from your post that you've been hinting rather than being more straightforward.

The crux of a D/s relationship (heck, ANY meaningful relationship) is candid discussion and negotiation.  You need to sit down with your wife and explain yourself and your needs. You might see about purchasing a couple of "beginners books" about the lifestyle, and ask if she will read them together with you (and there are several threads here discussing good starter books).

But in the end, you entered your married life presenting yourself one way and are now asking your lady to allow your whole relationship dynamic to change. If your wife absolutely is unwilling to renegotiate the terms of your relationship to embrace this new dynamic, then you have to explore options: Will she let you get non-sexual or sexual domination from a professional somewhere? Would she be OK with an open marriage situation? Can you live a vanilla life and give up your desire for domination -- is the marriage more important than the submission?

I like Dan Savage's GGG concept -- "Good, Giving, and Game". I think most spouses in a committed relationship are willing to stretch boundaries a bit for their partners. For instance, I am really submissive, but I can "service top" if that's what's required to make someone else happy. I would be unhappy in a relationship where I had to pretend to be dominant all the time, however.

You might be able to discuss trying some things with your wife that would get you some of what you want. If she's GGG, see if she'll come part way with you towards fulfilling your needs. Together the two of you might discover that you can each have some of what you crave and please your partner.

And ultimately, you have to resign yourself to the idea that your lady just might not go there with you. In that case, you have to decide whether you want the marriage more, or the kink. If it gets to that, I suggest finding a kink-friendly marriage counsellor and doing some couples counselling.










slavekal -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 5:43:26 PM)

You might be pleasantly surprised at how quickly some women can take to female dominance if it is presented to them in the right way.  Read Elise Sutton's site.  There are also a bunch of underhanded tricks (that she will love) that can help you bridge the gap.  I know.  I have used a lot of them successfully.



xxblushesxx -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/20/2009 10:13:24 PM)

Most of the men who call my pso lines either want to be dominated, cuckholded, humiliated or forced-bi. (often all of the above)
It's not that uncommon.
Is your wife open to experimenting or role-playing just a bit?
If not, it makes it more difficult, but not necessarily impossible.



Goddess2002 -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/21/2009 3:43:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

You might be pleasantly surprised at how quickly some women can take to female dominance if it is presented to them in the right way.  Read Elise Sutton's site.  There are also a bunch of underhanded tricks (that she will love) that can help you bridge the gap.  I know.  I have used a lot of them successfully.


Yes, this is a good idea...I have recommended Elise Sutton's site to me who occasionally email me wishing to introduce Female Supremacy to their wives...perhaps order one of her books for your wife and discuss it candidly with her?



LadyPact -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/21/2009 8:10:57 AM)

The following is a compiled response that has been written to others over the last couple of months.  Your case is not unique, OP.  In fact, I'd say this very same question comes up every two or three weeks on some version of how to convert a vanilla spouse.


OP, I can't tell you how many threads have come across the boards that I've read in the last couple of years about people hoping to convert a vanilla spouse.  They come from people who weren't on the level when the relationship started out, or they found kink later in life and wanted their vanilla spouse to share their interests.  Yes, some of them have been successful, but quite a few of them weren't.  Then, they are faced with choosing kink or their relationship, or being less than up front and getting their kink on the side without their other half knowing.  All of this always tends to make Me a little sad, because often, they aren't very happy people. 

From what you have said here and in your profile, your wife is not interested in sharing these activities with you.  If someone isn't wired for kink, them doing it for your sake may not make them very happy for very long.  So, if it turns out that your not happy because of not getting kink or she's not happy because it's not vanilla, you might want to think of how that's going to be handled later down the road.  Yes, some people will allow outside partners for that purpose, but be aware that many won't.

At this point, I don't see anything clearly that says you have sat down, explained your submissive desires to your wife, or anything that isn't some form of manipulation of her.  I agree with the person who said stop doing that right now.  If she sees it as manipulation, do you understand how she might be feeling about that?  At best, she's seeing it as being forced to attempt to be somebody that she's not.  At worst, she's going to see it as a ploy and will only be more resistant to even considering being open to anything.


There is a book out there that can help you when speaking to your wife in an open, honest communication.  "When Someone You Love Is Kinky."  I've recommended that book on every thread where this topic has ever come up in it's various forms.  My added suggestion is that you read the book first before asking her to read it.  That way, you both have the same information and terminology to discuss the matter.  It also helps you to identify the parts of the book that appeal to you and those you don't.  This way, you get to meet on common ground.

While it would be nice to think that everyone would compromise about their spouse's desires, that isn't always the case.  When these types of threads come up, we have to remember that, just as much as the OP is interested in kink, it's just as fair to say that the wife is entitled not to be.  Just because we enjoy wiitwd, we have to remember that some people don't and all they really want in life is a vanilla, monogamous marriage.

Believe it or not, the opposite question has come up as well.  What would you do if your partner wanted only a non kinky, non power exchange relationship.  Some of us would at least try that for the sake of the person we love, but I'm going to tell you that I've read a lot of posts on these boards over the last couple of years where people have outright said that they are not interested in that type of relationship.  It is more important to them to be their kinky selves than to keep a partner who wanted vanilla. If we're entitled to do that when we're kinky, we have to extend the same consideration to those who aren't.

Best of luck to you both.  I hope there is something that can be worked out that can be rewarding for both of you.





beargonewild -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/21/2009 9:03:13 AM)

From what I've seen, a person can have some dominant tenancies yet if they do not have that interest then there's no point in trying to make that person become what they have no desire to do.
  OP, I agree with many of what has already been said and that is to sit down and lay all your cards on the table so to speak with your spouse. Clearly explain to her your feelings if being submissive and allow her the uninterrupted chance to express her thoughts and feelings about that and allow her to express any of her feelings on desiring to be more dominant in your relationship.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/21/2009 9:28:42 AM)

While I generally agree with Kal, this time I have to say that after thirty years of marriage, if there was a kinky person buried inside your wife's psyche, it would have come out by now.   You've lived with the woman all this time, you should be able to forecast what her reaction will be if you broach this kind of idea to her.  In my opinion, I would not go the Elise Sutton route, I think she focuses far too much on stereotypes, but that's my take on her. 



Goddess2002 -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/24/2009 3:27:38 AM)

So I'm wondering...if one has been with a vanilla partner for some time, but has always maintained an interest in kink and wanting to explore it, is it best for the partners to got heir separate ways and seek someone who may better fit what they're looking for? There are many other variables of course to consider, but I'm just wondering how something like that could best be worked out.



slavekal -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/24/2009 4:33:29 AM)

Lady Hibiscus is probably right.  But I still think it is worth it to make every effort to see if aspects of our scene might appeal to the wife.  I have seen several women who had zero interest become great lifestyle dommes.  These ladies thought they were not into female dominance at all until it was presented to them in the right way.  If it doesn't work, at least you did all you could.  A husband owes his wife that much.  Start with running a bath, buying flowers, and doing housework.  Very few women will turn that stuff down.



Drifa -> RE: How does a Hubbi who longs to be submissive (continued) (4/24/2009 5:07:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Goddess2002

So I'm wondering...if one has been with a vanilla partner for some time, but has always maintained an interest in kink and wanting to explore it, is it best for the partners to got heir separate ways and seek someone who may better fit what they're looking for? There are many other variables of course to consider, but I'm just wondering how something like that could best be worked out.


Again, the key is communication.  Sit down and talk candidly with your partner. Explain the kinky desires you're having. Ask if you can experiment with it some together, as a couple. 

If you can't manage this type of communication, IMHO you have no business in a kink relationship at all. It's important to be able to discuss your needs, your limits, and so on, at least up front. And if you are in any type of LTR, communication is what makes ANY relationship work.



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