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new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/20/2009 5:49:07 PM   
porceline


Posts: 9
Status: offline 		this may seem an unusual problem, and one i dreamed of having for a long time. unfortunately the reality of the dream (meeting a friend of a friend, hitting it off, having a mysterious 'connection', tons in common with work and hobbies, and he turns out to be dom...) is not as simple as i had imagined. (and apologies in advance for the long post, i'm still trying to formulate the issues in my own head).

we've been together very happily for a few months now, and established with each other in the first couple of weeks that we both had an interest in d/s. but while it was really exciting at first, i feel like i'm encountering a problem now that the initial excitement has worn off. maybe this just happens to everyone engaging with this dynamic, no matter how they meet. but i feel like most of it is due to us meeting in this very normal vanilla way.

when i have had any kind of d/s relationship in the past its started online, so we would have spent a few months chatting and getting to know each others kinks. my new boyfriend has known about his dom tendencies for years (we're both mid twenties) but has been ashamed/scared to even think about it much, though he has acted it out in some mild forms with former girlfriends. although i read and fantasied and researched since i was a teen, it took me until last year to get the courage to finally meet someone else involved with d/s and have some experiences, and i guess i learned a lot through that about exactly where my motivation and kinks lie. my boyfriend hasn't had that experience, and i think that its starting to affect our dynamic.

because we didn't meet online, and didn't have those introductory emails and profiles, every night/day we spend together sexually is a learning experience. which sounds not so bad, except for some fundamental differences which keep cropping up. i crave formality and structure a lot, being given orders and long drawn out tasks, slow build ups and anticipation. but my boyfriend is sometimes too physically forceful for me and has admitted to being much more sensation based, and likes to move quickly between activities and moods, which i find confusing and disorientating (like suddenly going from giving him gentle devotional oral sex to suddenly out of no where being slapped hard across the face - i felt like i was being punished even though i had been working very hard to please him a lot). i feel like we may have a lot of hidden incompatibilities even though initially it all seemed like it should work really well.

we've talked about it a lot, but every time we do i find we both end up getting kind of defensive or feeling criticized. i've tried telling him about things i would like us to do, and hes agreed he'd like them too, likewise hes told me some fantasies he has that i would like to indulge in with him, but they haven't really happened and i dont want to force anything too hardcore with him yet or make him feel inadequate or not in control by requesting activities (and also some activities turn me off if instigate them, & i think i've heard people describe it as 'topping from the bottom')
wondering if anyone has experienced a situation like this before? it just feels very strange to me to be in a relationship with this type of dynamic and not having established basics beforehand through email and chatting.

there is also of course the serious issue of his being not very experienced, and though i dont have much real life experience with a lot of the stuff we do or want to do, i have thought and read about it enough to know a little more than him about safety aspects. because i dont feel like hes aware of these (eg. tying wrists so tight hands go purple, or painful anal penetration due to not enough preparation) i'm constantly feeling conscious of my safety and knowing that its up to me to stop things or try to control the pace, which makes me feel like i'm ultimately the one in control which is a huge turn off for me. in the last couple of weeks i feel like this safety/control problem has become such issue for me that its causing me to not get aroused enough and i'm tensing up whenever he penetrates me, causing pain so severe i have to stop him because i feel like i'm swollen or about to be torn.
i guess this is obviously the most distressing part of the problem, but i think its probably a psychological issue developed from the fact that we haven't established our dynamic yet, and just my nervousness about whether he actually wants the same things as me.

< Message edited by porceline -- 4/20/2009 5:56:07 PM >
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RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/20/2009 6:08:59 PM   
porceline


Posts: 9
Status: offline 		(maybe this should be in 'ask a master' or 'general discussions'? not sure, though i do know it should be less long-winded)

(in reply to porceline)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/20/2009 6:29:04 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Compatability is still what it is regardless of how the people meet. Disjunctive communication tends to be a give away to me. People who connect can understand and feel for each other even through disagreements. If important matters can't be discussed without communication breaking down, then I don't know how stable any other aspect is. I am also seeing an intensity clash (for lack of a better term). He wants hard pressing intensity and sharp physical and emotional changes. You want something a bit more gradual. Your interests may or may not be darker than his (whatever that may mean), but it is the pace and the direction that is not in common.

He is new. Either you can work through that with him or you can't. He won't always be new, but if he is not working to learn and grow as a dominant, especially in areas of safety and good technique, then you've got a big problem. If he will study and learn from respected mentors, he may well wind up being quite phenomenal. The question is if you are able to go along for the ride or have to cut your losses. I had a situation like this and I finally had to simply state that in this particular aspect of sex, we simply were not compatable. He was new, unwilling to learn, put me in harm's way, and seemed to actually be harmed mentally by what we were doing in the end. This happens to be my primary overall relationship, but I cannot sustain any kind of D/s dynamic with him because of this history.

I don't know what the ultimate answer is for you, but I will say that if you cannot establish and keep good communication and trust between you, I don't see much of a future there. It was a nice situation in theory, but then there are realities. I don't think it would go like this just because you didn't have an online courtship ahead of the real time interactions. I do think you both jumped in the deep end of the pool and now have to kind of sink or swim. Real time or online, take some time to get to know a potential dominant a bit more. I think you will have more success that way.

lovingpet

(in reply to porceline)
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RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/20/2009 6:31:59 PM   
bluefireeyez


Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline 		I am hearing that you are concerned for your safety and questioning if the realtionship is going to work out. Of course that isn't the whole issue, but it seems to be the crux of it.

First, I have to say that no matter how we wish things would work out some times they just don't. However, if you want to try and continue this relationship there are avenues. One would be getting together with another Dom and having him guide your boyfriend. A second is to do research with him so that you are able to explore the lifestyle and safety together.

Always, always try and talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Communication is key.

(in reply to porceline)
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RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/20/2009 6:33:17 PM   
device1


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/6/2008
Status: offline 		No prob with length of post, it gives background that most say isnt given.

Take your time, and talk.

Let him take the lead, but point out when things arent working, hell that can be subtly done. Make noises he likes when its working, stay silent or eeek when its not, even the denses males will eventually get the hint.

Oh and "topping" from the bottom isnt wrong, its called working out what works and what doesnt. Men, even Doms cant mind read, we have to let them know what works.

(in reply to porceline)
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RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/20/2009 7:11:40 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So do the talking and emails now.
It's easier to chat about it, and email things because when you aren't face to face you don't fear rejection as much.
Tell him this, in the email of course, and open up the discussions you haven't yet had but need to.

About his guilt. It takes about six months to a year for most guys to get over guilt/shame at hitting girls. It's easier to help them move past it by lots of positive reinforcement. "I loved that spanking last night. Could I be really greedy and ask for a longer/harder one next time?" "I'm curious as to my pain tolerance, could you demonstrate how hard you can hit me?" "I can't stop thinking about what you did last week, and I'm incredibly hot as a result" That kind of stuff.

However it is always possible that you simply have too many incompatibilities to make a long term relationship work.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to device1)
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RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/20/2009 9:17:43 PM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Oh, bless your heart!  lovingpet gave you some very good advice.  From what you've said it is sounding like he is not wanting to communicate with you on these things or wanting to learn about safety.  The fantasies we all have in our heads don't always translate to the real world.  In our fantasies there is no need to go slow with anal sex, one can just ram it home with out a care.  If we haven't had much real time experience then it can be disconcerting to run into those issues.  It can make a person feel like they are doing something wrong. 

If you can get him to understand that the better he knows how to push your 'good' buttons, the more power and control he will have in the D/s dynamic, it might help him decide to listen to you.  Which will hopefully spur him to do some safety and technique research on his own and with you.  If he refuses to learn or listen to your VERY LEGITIMATE concerns, you may want to decide how much damage you are willing to endure for him.  And if it's not much ... then vote with your feet.  Best of luck.

love


_____________________________

Love Light & Laughter

Owned and adored by SirSteveS

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/21/2009 6:36:19 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I was in a situation similar to this where the Dom I was seeing was new to D/s. I liked him very much personally and was attracted to him sexually but I eventually lost interest in him- I just felt frustrated with his lack of direction.

I too had issues with wondering if I was safe at times and it's not conducive to submission at all. As a submissive, you have to have the base of trust between the two of you in order to honestly place yourself in the hands of any D type. As a result, in my head I questioned the authority of this man and realized I did not have the respect I need to have within myself in order to submit to him. As hot as he was I wasn't really enjoying our time together the way I might have if I truly felt compelled to submit.

You may have a lot in common with this man and you may truly have feelings for him but with any type of relationship there are so many things to match up, large and small. The small things can be negotiable at times. OP, you said you felt you missed out on getting to know him...as another poster suggested, how about now? Why not email each other regularly now?

(in reply to porceline)
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RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/21/2009 7:50:00 AM   
porceline


Posts: 9
Status: offline 		thanks everyone for your replies and advice. its nice to get perspective from others.

lizi: what you said hits home with me. i don't feel the intensity with him that i've felt in the past with others when i knew i was safe.

and lovingpet, thank you a lot for your reply. the sad thing about the compatibility and communication issue is that with everything else outside of the bedroom we're super compatible and really honest and open with each other. the feelings we have for one another are really strong and intense, in a way that i'm not used to at all. since sex has started to become an issue that emotional and connective intensity is fading a little. i feel like we are so compatible on so many levels that its really too unusual to just leave it and move on - what are the chances of finding someone like this randomly, online or in real life? - so i'm hoping we can work through it.
its not that hes unwilling to communicate his feelings about it - its that i don't think hes completely sure himself of his feelings about it. when we talk about it i always feel a need to scale back on what i'm admitting to wanting from our relationship, partly because i'm insecure about these desires anyway and because i worry i could end up scaring him off or dragging him deeper into power play than he would really want.

and a big problem at the moment, in terms of him researching this or us discussing feelings in email, is that for the whole time we've been seeing each other (3 months) he has been without computer and private internet access. knowing his personality i do believe he would be deeply researching and learning about this online if it were possible (although i don't know if he is aware of the wealth of safety advice/technique information etc. that exists. like most men he is drawn to video and images, whereas i would sooner read about it than watch others). maybe researching together we will end up in a better place, but i have a lingering doubt - that we will end up discovering that regardless of our compatible d/s orientations we have opposing impulses - he seems to prefer physical domination while i prefer mental and psychological domination (which unfortunately always seems a little more extreme and shameful to admit to).

thanks again for everyone's comments and advice.

(in reply to lizi)
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RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/21/2009 10:50:01 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Hi porceline.
Hmmm. You've hit upon why I prefer to start online actually, it sets the pace for me without me having to set it on my own.

I suggest that the two of you find some local people, slow down on physical stuff and work on both emotional and technical. Since he is pretty unaware of safety issues due to inexperience I think he would really benefit from seeing D/s in action.

Can you locate a local club or munch? Or perhaps take a weekend and go to an event?

I think too that he needs to do a bit of  learning, basic things like checklists (though I  normally hate those lol) and places like CM where he can absorb information before trying things out on you.

Are you talking to him? Letting him know verbally that you are both confused and worried about being unintentionally hurt? If he doesn't know then there is no way for him to work on it. I know for me it would be hard to discuss it, I would be turning it over in my head while trying to please him. Personally if I had trouble verbalizing it then I would write it out or show him this thread.

I wish you luck.


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~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to porceline)
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RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/21/2009 11:11:03 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		No matter how much you get along , you've still only known each other for a matter of weeks.

There doesn't seem much to be surprised at........you're finding that after the initial *high* of being attracted, having a simliar interest .....you don't really know him ...or he, you.

And no, the excitement doesn't necessarily*wear off*....even after almost a decade, I'm still as enthralled by M and everything about him and what we do as I first was.......maybe even more.

agirl



(in reply to porceline)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/21/2009 12:41:42 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You can't force him to do things he isn't ready to do. You can suggest them and say you read this and found it very interesting. You can offer him your computer when he visits to read something. Leave it on and when he walks in, suggest he looks at it while you get him a coke. Buy him a book, one of the basic ones on safety like Erotic Bondage, or S & M 101, or Screw the Roses.

Being without access to the net to learn these things makes it very difficult. But there are books.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/21/2009 1:27:54 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		My Dominant has less experience then I do. We have encounter stumbling blocks and probably will continue to do so.

The thing is we talk and we talk and we talk, and we come up with a plan to try and work through them.

I totally agree with Celeste. There is no reason you can't do alot of talking via email now. Sometimes it is soo much easier to write out what you want to say when you have time to proof read and edit your thoughts then when you are talking face to face.

My Dom and I text each other and email each other alot and we live together. It's just another way for us to communitcate.

Plus he and I have gone out and bought alot of books about the lifestyle, and he asks friends that have alot more experience for advice and guidence.

There is no shame in not knowing something and asking for the advice from someone who does.

Things take time, and alot of work. You need to decide if you are willing to put in the work.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 4/21/2009 5:58:47 PM   
ballaratcouple


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/25/2009
Status: offline 		hi
in some ways i can identify
moving in with my girl - sub - meant wanting the play stuff but also having to live a vanilla life too - she has kids - one moved out - so we are limited.
we want to do more stuff but also because her job has her being a manager
and because her ex left her alone a lot so she is quite independent - even bossy on occasions - we have to work at making sub play - i am finding some of her sub fantasy is a fear/love of being cuckolded by a woman - she wants to see me fucking other women but fears losing me to them too - so she also then wants to dominate them or fuck them after me.....complex
she likes to be tied and fucking is always the end desire for her - whether spanking play or whatever
the point
i guess is a new relationship is fraught
the main thing you have is
you are driven by mind......imagination - the net gives you the distance and time to build up
he is driven by body - you said sensation - so her is immediate and you need the buildup

you need to impress on him
he gets his need
if you get yours

why not write in books - each - fantasies
why not create scenes and train him - not ness topping from bottom - but rather be a good sub and tell him your needs - write stories so he knows the script
and get him to role play them
factor in his needs
write stories in stages  - share writing
keep journals
communicate in words but also books
you need the buildup and mindfuck
thats why the net is important to you
teach him
how to turn you on
and ask him what he needs
so you can build it in
the middle ground
is the new
that you will create together
could be real fun there..............
bc

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: new boyfriend turns out to be dom, but... - 5/3/2009 9:00:40 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		It is really difficult sometimes...if you like every thing to run as smooth as it goes in your fantasies or in the movies...it can take work...sometimes that might feel like it spoils the romance and the passion but it does not have to... you should beable to ask Him to loosen the ropes please because you are uncomfortable and your hand is going dead without it spoiling the session.
For a long time i was hoping for my Husband to just get it...we had many fights and miscommunication and general awfulness always about the sex...it was only when i dared to be truely honest with Him that things started to come together...When i stopped wishing He was Superman in bed and i took control of properly communicating my needs.
We are totally compatible in all the other areas, like you so i am well pleased i finally got it cracked, all the best to you, be patient...

(in reply to porceline)
Profile   Post #: 15
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