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Jealousy - 1/31/2006 8:40:07 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

Good evening Ladies & Gentlemen

I have several questions I would like to pose ( I'm not 100% sure if this belongs in the "Polyamorous Lifestyles" section of the forums.... if so, I apologize)

For those that are poly, have you ever dealt with jealousy of one submissive over another? (one submissive becoming jealous of another sub, due to things like attention?)

If so... how have you dealt with it?

In Your opinion, was the result positive? or negative in nature?

Has it ever resulted in releasing a submissive/slave?

Again, my apologies if i posted in the wrong area

*BP*

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

Post #: 1

RE: Jealousy - 1/31/2006 10:12:11 PM

MissAli

Posts: 106
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline

Unfortunately, I cannot give you any advice first-hand on this issue AFTER it has come up. What I can say, is that much of this can be kept from happening through open communication, being sure each sub/slave is fully aware of their position, making sure they don't confuse their wants with their needs, and encouraging strengthened bonding between them!

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 2

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 9:01:11 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I think the thread on "jealous sub" has a few interesting thoughts you might want to refer to.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_243963/tm.htm

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 3

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 9:09:07 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I think the thread on "jealous sub" has a few interesting thoughts you might want to refer to.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_243963/tm.htm

I had read that, but unfortunately it didnt touch on some of the issues i was specifically referring to. (one submissive becoming jealous of another sub, due to things like attention)

That other post.. seemed to be centered around material things.. ie emails/phone calls... I'm kinda hoping to touch more on the emotional level ( I would more or less describe it as.. being "emotionally jealous")

This isn't something I'm expiriencing myself at this time, It's just something that could very well crop up if i made decisions or changes as to what im seeking in a relationship...

Thank you for the pointer though :)

*Bp*

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 4

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 10:36:18 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

I have no experience in a poly situation, but as it is something my pet and i are both very interested in, I have done rather a lot of thinking about possible problems and strategies to avoid them.
This issue to me is not unlike that faced by parents with more than one "unmentionable". Any parent who is being honest with oneself will admit that they have favourites, but one simply recognises that and does ones best to be fair and to avoid overt favouritism.
I suspect that a similar strategy would head off most of the problems with intrs-sub jealousy before they get out of hand. Of course the other element needed is the old favourite...COMMUNICATION.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 5

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 10:39:29 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

i am as yet...not poly..She aint found any good boys to add to the house...they are all hand in the pants do me boys.
but
if She ever gets any...
i am too old to care and i aint involved and neither will they be...She HAS a hubby..nothing is going to go on with ANYONE.
but but but
as to "my house",,,he he.."I" am THEE head household service man 'round heah and "I" do the cleaning...if'n ya wanna do cookin,...getcha ass in da kitchen...
but do NOT--repeat--NOT try to clean up son.
thats MY jurisprudence.
did i spell that right?

jealous? about my house staying cleaned MY way ..ya damned right jack!

MY turf!

later

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 6

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 10:53:59 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: veronicaofML

i am as yet...not poly..She aint found any good boys to add to the house...they are all hand in the pants do me boys.
but
if She ever gets any...
i am too old to care and i aint involved and neither will they be...She HAS a hubby..nothing is going to go on with ANYONE.
but but but
as to "my house",,,he he.."I" am THEE head household service man 'round heah and "I" do the cleaning...if'n ya wanna do cookin,...getcha ass in da kitchen...
but do NOT--repeat--NOT try to clean up son.
thats MY jurisprudence.
did i spell that right?

jealous? about my house staying cleaned MY way ..ya damned right jack!

MY turf!

later

veronica, the more I read the more I want to know when your contract is up!!!!

*whispers*All though there are a few things I might want to add to your list of chores...

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to veronicaofML)

Post #: 7

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 10:58:38 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

veronica, the more I read the more I want to know when your contract is up!!!!

*whispers*All though there are a few things I might want to add to your list of chores...

==============
my "contract" will NEVER ... be...up!
it is an indefinite time period...it has NO expiration date.....

me sowwy.

he he

but thank You m'Lady

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 8

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 11:16:09 AM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

Yes, blackpearl, I did have this problem in the past. I am not poly now...Hell, I don't even have a boy right now, but I was poly in the past.
Oftentimes this jealousy factor can crop up. And it rears its ugly head not only with whining and complaints to the Mistress, but nitpicking and sniping at the other boy (or boys). This creates an atmosphere of tension, and usually the boys end up actively disliking each other. So this is what I did.
I made the boys shower together, do chores together, sleep together in the same bed. I fostered a dependence, if you will. This may seem harsh on the boy that is not having the problem, but it can be presented as a privilege to assist the Mistress (or Master) in helping the other "jealous" sub get onto the right track. They had to assist each other in all things, such as completing tasks in a timely manner, and supporting each other even with intimate things such as showering and shaving. I also had them spend time outside the home together. Going to a movie together, and having coffee and pie afterwards, sans Mistress.
It worked.
Just an idea or two that helped Me out of that situation.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 9

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 11:37:19 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

Just an idea or two that helped Me out of that situation.
=======================================

in ter est ink...vewwy in ter est ink...

i have-to-hand-it-to-You...........

quite an idea,...excellent psychological planning...get in their heads and stay there.....

You are GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ooooo me thinks maybe TOO good..............

sends chills down my spine thinking about it...shower together?????????????????
oh lawdy........i'd be scratchin and fightin to stay hell outta there........
i GOTS ta have my space.................

brrrrrrrrrrrrrr...this gives me chills...........

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 10

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 11:59:17 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

GoddessDustyGold
Wicked

wicked.....very apporpriate.....very inventive as well

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 11

RE: Jealousy - 2/1/2006 1:57:35 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Jealousy between two submissives serving one dominant is very common. In fact, jealousy in most poly arrangements is common. IMO it is unrealistic to expect there to be no jealousy. The issue is how to react to it and work through it.

I assume you are asking from a submissive viewpoint, that is -- concern you may become jealous of another submissive over attention, etc? The short answer is communication. Make sure you both feel your relatioship is strong and stable, because I do think poly does exaggerate any existing weaknesses. Communicating with your domme ahead of time regarding your fears, her expectations, how you will handle specific things as they arise. Setting boundaries and establishing what things might be "just for you." Respecting the boundaries or "special things" of the other submissive.

Then if jealousy comes up -- which it probably will -- allowing yourself to experience it without guilt and managing your reactions to that emotion. Don't beat yourself up for being insecure or some such thing. Secure people still have jealousy. Some things you may be able to just process, understand why something bothers you, deal with it and move on. Other times you may need to communicate -- with your domme and with the other submissive.

If you believe that honesty is the basis of trust and healthy relationships, that includes emotional honesty - not pretending things are fine and dandy when they are not.

Maybe check out Myth vs Reality or Successful Poly or Jealousy issues or Sister Sub

< Message edited by Sensualips -- 2/1/2006 2:00:28 PM >

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 12

RE: Jealousy - 2/2/2006 6:36:47 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

Jealousy between two submissives serving one dominant is very common. In fact, jealousy in most poly arrangements is common. IMO it is unrealistic to expect there to be no jealousy. The issue is how to react to it and work through it.

I assume you are asking from a submissive viewpoint, that is -- concern you may become jealous of another submissive over attention, etc? The short answer is communication. Make sure you both feel your relatioship is strong and stable, because I do think poly does exaggerate any existing weaknesses. Communicating with your domme ahead of time regarding your fears, her expectations, how you will handle specific things as they arise. Setting boundaries and establishing what things might be "just for you." Respecting the boundaries or "special things" of the other submissive.

Then if jealousy comes up -- which it probably will -- allowing yourself to experience it without guilt and managing your reactions to that emotion. Don't beat yourself up for being insecure or some such thing. Secure people still have jealousy. Some things you may be able to just process, understand why something bothers you, deal with it and move on. Other times you may need to communicate -- with your domme and with the other submissive.

If you believe that honesty is the basis of trust and healthy relationships, that includes emotional honesty - not pretending things are fine and dandy when they are not.

Maybe check out Myth vs Reality or Successful Poly or Jealousy issues or Sister Sub

I'm going to second this good advice but also suggest something further.

Jealousy often arise over feeling ignored or neglected. I think the parties involved need to go beyond communicating to scheduling. Make time for each pair to have time together (if that is what is desired, if not, then desires may not match and it may be time to move on). If things are done as a trio or a group, the dominant here needs to realize that part of her/his responsiblity is to make attention to everyone that needs it.

Let me give you an example from my past. There was one Valentine's Day where I had four partners -- a husband, a slave, and two trainees (sighs remembering how wonderful that period was). I did breakfast with one slave, lunch with a trainee, went out window shopping and for ice cream with the other trainee, and finally had dinner with my husband.

Yes, I felt ill for a few days after all that non-home cooked food but I also felt happy and everyone felt they got the time and recognition they desired.

On a day to day basis this can be scheduling even non-scene times with each partner. I'll play WoW with husband for an hour or so and watch one tv show with my slave; my slave and I also have bedtime ritual we do every night that helps us focus on each other.

I know that I live in a society where jealousy is conditioned and expected. To work on jealousy and the problems or feelings it can create is WORK for everyone involved.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 13

RE: Jealousy - 2/2/2006 6:47:12 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I know that I live in a society where jealousy is conditioned and expected. To work on jealousy and the problems or feelings it can create is WORK for everyone involved.

That's one way of putting it.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 14

RE: Jealousy - 2/2/2006 6:51:03 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: veronicaofML

my "contract" will NEVER ... be...up!
it is an indefinite time period...it has NO expiration date....

Don't kid yourself. You're a non paid "at will" employee like the rest (majority) of America's workforce. But, its nice to know that you're the softie, romatic type instead of those fly-by-night "do me" boys.

(in reply to veronicaofML)

Post #: 15

RE: Jealousy - 2/2/2006 8:28:14 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

Don't kid yourself. You're a non paid "at will" employee like the rest (majority) of America's workforce. But, its nice to know that you're the softie, romatic type instead of those fly-by-night "do me" boys.
==============

heyyyyyyyyyyyy

what ya wanna do, ruin my rep? softie? romantic? geeeeeeeeeeesh

now yer hurtin my feelings
what'd i do to you?

i'm gonna go cry...talking mean to me....

moooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
he called me softie....

you- you--you brute you...

========================================

actually bro, what can i say?
i try hard to please Mistress. She is home sick today. She has had this lil bug hanging on,...voice is almost gone, She has a dry scratchy throat...
i try to do all i can for Her...but there is just so much you can do...and then you have to just tuck Her in and let Her be...
at times i tend to be an old teddy bear, i admit it...but only for those deserving of it.
the rest? i'd as soon as chew their throats like the movie american werewolf in london..

take care bro
you're an okay joe

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 16

RE: Jealousy - 2/2/2006 6:40:51 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Jealousy often arise over feeling ignored or neglected. I think the parties involved need to go beyond communicating to scheduling.

Oo yeah, that too. Good point. In a traditional s-D-s relationship I guess I consider that the responsibility of the D. But maybe not. All part of expectations.

Hmmm, last Valentine's Day I was moping because I was newly separated, borderline depressed, and hadn't been laid in six weeks. I could have used one of your Valentine Day dates...

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 17

RE: Jealousy - 2/2/2006 7:08:04 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

quote:

Jealousy often arise over feeling ignored or neglected. I think the parties involved need to go beyond communicating to scheduling.

Oo yeah, that too. Good point. In a traditional s-D-s relationship I guess I consider that the responsibility of the D. But maybe not. All part of expectations.

Hmmm, last Valentine's Day I was moping because I was newly separated, borderline depressed, and hadn't been laid in six weeks. I could have used one of your Valentine Day dates...

That was an unusual one -- I generally have just the husband and my slave so only two "dates" to schedule.

I'm doing dinner with the husband then bowling or a movie with the slave and then we three have ordered an ice cream cake for all of us.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 18

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