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LAgirlsub -> RE: friend or dominant, which comes first... gender based? (4/26/2009 12:43:22 AM)
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Lockit, I don’t know if my experience (which so far is mostly this site/forum) will offer much…but as a sub woman my feelings on this…
Maybe I should mention in general my emails that sort of demonstrate what you suggest. For some reason, I very clearly state I’m gay – I very much love the ladies – yet I still get male emails that all go to bulk now unread. But before I set that option, I opened them…
So if those emails are an indication of how (‘on average’) men approach women here, the majority have no interest in knowing anything about me and it’s sex/domination (neither of which they’d ever get with me anyway – this behavior really baffles me).
Now the women, if we weighed the scales would be nearly exactly opposite the men. The women do want to get to know a little more about you; however it isn’t honestly as I’d approach a woman I haven’t met or even talked to before. There is a portion of the women that have emailed me that have behaved in ways I’d never expect from a woman – from assumptions of what I want sexually (again without even having talked to me) to more assumptions that I’d want to immediately submit to any dominant that pays attention to me. Honestly, it has surprised me.
Also, domme, switch and sub women approach me. I don’t mind at all, it’s just also interesting that I think it demonstrates the evolving feelings one might have in bdsm at any given time.
Oh, I do want to offer my opinion on questioning your dominance, Lockit. You questioned if you are dominant or not. Obviously I haven’t met you – which if there is something about me that’s true according to my natal chart I read emotions – I would likely pick up from you in short order if you felt dominant. It might be I bring this out in others, I don’t know, but I’m definitely picking this up clearly from women these days (smile).
But here’s the thing…even if I could imagine switching for a partner or in a situation or whatever, I am not dominant. I have no desire to dominate someone. Actually what I’ve always wanted and still do is more internal; I want to have better control over how I react to my emotions and have more control over me – myself – not someone else. That’s my distinction. So I would say to you, if you have this feeling of enjoying/wanting to dominant someone else, then you are from my POV a dominant. Even if someone doesn’t lead his or her life that way, it’s there. I just thought I’d mention that to you, since you seem to be questioning how you feel/who you are.
Ironically, in how we stereotype femininity, in many ways I fit that – which might be why I get too much male attention at times. I always thought it was because I didn’t care, that I’m not sexually interested so they found that a challenge. But maybe it’s this part of me, that I’m now noticing more domme women (at least that feel dominant) pay attention to me. Well, at least I hope that’s what’s happening.
What is somewhat funny to me in realizing that here I am on a bdsm site after a brief affair with a dominant young woman is that I fought against this even though again I fit the gender role typical in society. As women, we’re ‘expected’ to be submissive (I’m generalizing) but in my small world, that’s been harder for me to accept. I have very strong women in my family, I’m know in my own way I’m a strong broad and very independent so I fought this desire thinking it was ‘weak.’ Seems silly when I stare directly at those emotions but it’s how I felt. I can imagine how my fellow male subs might really struggle with these feelings at some point.
Sorry I drifted from your question…which was what do I expect? (since I can’t say yet what I’ve experienced)…I have powerful, competing drives at this moment and honestly it’s difficult. It’s been very rare in my life that I’ve just had casual sex (a few times) yet I feel I so much I need/want to learn at this moment in time, that I know intellectually that I should not be exclusive with any one woman. And at the same time, I’m really lousy at this. I don’t really know how not to care for people, particularly a woman I’m sexual with…and then throw in some bdsm and I don’t know if it’s possible to be open in this way with a woman I didn’t have some real connection with. Of my conflicting feelings, I almost wish I didn’t discover this part of myself. If I found a way to make my feelings more complicated, I just did.
I do see, again from the little I know, bdsm as connected to my sexuality. I’m not interested in bdsm without sex as much as I know today.
So my expectation is to just be as I am – open and honest and hope for the best. My instincts rarely ever fail me, so that’s how I’ll head into this. I expect to have a darn cup of coffee somewhere with a potential domme, get out of my bdsm mind and into real life. I value my friends greatly so I would call my interactions with potential dommes also a potential friendship as well as a potential play partner. If I had better terms, I’d use them but there’s little doubt that at least for my first few experiences that I could truly submit to someone I didn’t like in a personal way more then just she’s, well, hot physically.
Hope my lack of real experience wasn’t pointless in answering your questions. I appreciate you asking it. I do feel at times I’m maneuvering through landmines to get where I know I need to go.
And I need to mention the passing of Bea Arthur – her role(s) were often the quintessential dominant woman (esp. battling Archie Bunker).
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