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why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 11:09:53 AM   
steph89


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/24/2009
Status: offline 		 
sMaybe one reason people are feeling uncomfortable with me asking why Doms, Masters, and Sadists enjoy their role is because I have revealed so little about myself and why I like my role. So here it is, for what it's worth. Perhaps other subs and masochists would like to add to this discussion, of why they enjoy it. Just like we want to understand them better (and are probably confused because we enjoy the exact opposite), they probably are also confused about us!

Pleasing others is important to me. If the person I am in a relationship with isn't very firm about his/her own desires, than I feel unsafe. (From now on I will use gender neutral pronouns "they" "them" instead of his/her or he/she) How do I please them? If I go ahead and please myself, they may not like the choices I make or the pressure of my demands, and won’t that risk them rejecting me?  When I play a masochistic and/or subordinate role in a relationship, it’s the opposite of that.  I can feel totally safe because the Dom is always making what they want clear and so you always know how to please them.


o   When someone is always criticizing you and saying what’s wrong with you, you know exactly how to improve to become perfect (lovable) for that person – it’s easier and safer that way.

o   As mentioned, it is easier to figure out how to please the Dom if they are always telling you what to do, but paradoxically they are hard to please because they are very demanding – and the ultimate challenge means the ultimate accomplishment!! I feel a sense of pride.

o   When someone is always making me do tasks for them (tasks that are tedious, strenuous, degrading, etc) then by acquiescing I am“proving” to them my love for them. And it really satisfies me to make a loved one know just how much I love them! The same thing goes with enduring the inclifction of pain. By putting up with it, I am proving my love.

o   There is a greater sense of mutual dependency in D/s relationships. It calms my fear of abandonment. I know my partner won’t leave me, because they need me as much as I need him.

o   When I'm being constantly criticized and punished, I walk around with that “poor me” feeling in my throat, a feeling which is almost sweet somehow … if I know how innocent I am, that I'm an innocent victim and all I just want is to prove myself to them, prove that I'm worthy, so they can feel sorry for what they did to me and love me. Which brings me to the topic of aftercare. It feels so satisfying to be treated so sweet and tender after being hurt and degraded. It feels like what I understand love to be.

o   When I'm being constantly criticized and punished, then those rare moments of approval mean so much more and taste so much sweeter.
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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 11:13:50 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Now you're cooking with gas, girl.

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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 11:27:01 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Reasons why my wife likes being my slavegirl:

  • It's pleasing to me. Hands down, this is the main reason for her.
  • She struggles when it comes to choosing between her needs and mine. Now, in a M/s relationship, that is my job, not hers. She likes that. I see it as "I get to make all the decisions". She sees it as "I dont' have to make all the decisions" *laughs*. How perfect is that?
  • It's a lot easier now for her to understand exactly how to please me. Before, she'd do her best and sometimes it'd be right and other times not. Now, she gets clear and specific direction about what I want. So take a simple example like cooking dinner. Now, I love dinner EVERY night. From her standpoint, there are no wasted efforts wherein she cooked and I wasn't appreciative.
  • Our marriage is running smoothly and cleanly with much love all the way around.


Reasons why I like being her Master

  • Our marriage is running smoothly and cleanly with much love all the way around.
  • I get hot sex.
  • She is growing visibly as a human in areas that have heretofor been challenges for her. She is decidedly becoming more assertive and more dominant as my slavegirl -- with me and everyone else. BIG win for me.
  • It is an incredible kick in the pants for a human being whose judgement I trust and respect to trust and respect me enough to do this thing. How could I not be incredibly flattered?
  • This last part I don't have any explanation for. I like owning a woman. I don't really know why that's true. It's not the sex. It's not the power (been there, done that elsewhere). There are elements of both of those things in it, but as closely as I can look into myself, the fulfillment I feel via owning her overlaps with those two things but isn't the same as them.


There, both sides of the coin.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 11:28:03 AM   
InTonguesslave


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/6/2009
Status: offline 		all good, but......,

* they shouldnt be critisizing you all of the time, trying to please the unpleasable is misery
* they dont always tell you what to do, often its simply down to you using youre initiative and youre desire to please
* it might be love youre proving.  for me to be honest, i dont think im proving anything, other than, i spose my submission
* the symbiosis is strong and gets stronger as the dynamic grows, but i know Sir doesnt need me, he simply wants me
* youre not an innocent victim, you are there through youre own choice.  to be constantly critisized and punished would be hell.
* rare moments of approval? - if youre dedicated to pleasing then they shouldnt be rare and you shouldnt be punished so much

just my experience mind you, not saying its the same with everyone.



< Message edited by InTonguesslave -- 4/25/2009 11:31:33 AM >

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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 12:02:59 PM   
wisdomofgiving


Posts: 55
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline 		Most of my life is about serving others in one degree or another. My work and vocation leans heavy on this aspect as well. I am content being with myself alone or with another. My reasons for being though in a Ds relationship are:

Sir was into this when I met him. Most people do not interest me enough to get into a relationship with, he did. My nature is to please them. Though never hearing about Ds and BDSM, what he introduced me too I liked. Not much different then the life I use to live. He too seeks for me to be all I can be, and does not discourage my eccentricity.

Masochist is a private part of me, but it brings many smiles and memories of Sir's pleasures being met and so much more.

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Though my heart will always be connect to the ocean winds, my mind is now learning about the wisdom of giving.

once and always an oceanwynds and now wisdomofgiving

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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 1:18:41 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		It's interesting to read why different people choose the relationships they do. My reasons couldn't be further from yours, Steph. Someone "always criticizing me" and "saying what's wrong with" me would piss me off and wear me out. I want to please Master, of course, but it's not going to lead me into being ever more pleasing by criticizing and always finding the negative. Just not the approach I need.

Same with the "martyr complex" thing. Always being "criticized and punished" and walking around feeling put upon because of it is something I had way too much of in a former vanilla marriage. It's not something I have any desire for again, believe me. I can't deal with the "rare moments of approval" bit. I want to be pleasing and approved of all the time. Constructive criticism that will help me be that is what I need.

Also, I would caution you to get to comfortable with the idea that making your partner "dependent" upon you will mean you'll not be abandoned. Feeling that he/she "needs" you too much to leave often gives a false sense of security that'll leave you stunned if ever he/she does leave. Thinking that living as a martyr, taking only criticism and punishment will keep someone loyal is faulty logic.

Interesting reading. It's amazing how different folks' motivations are around here. Best of luck to you............luci

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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 1:28:09 PM   
QuixoticErrant


Posts: 260
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Your post is excellent in all ways. I too am the sort of Dominant who wants the growth of his woman as much as anything.

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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 1:40:49 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		1. When someone is always criticizing you, eventually you will give up your efforts to please them. Because why try, when whatever you do will never be enough? You may not see this now, but eventually (whether sooner or later) your efforts will be exhausting, and unfullfilling. Then you'll either leave, or stay in a relationship that doesn't work for you.

2. Being obedient may be seen by the dom as proof of your love, or it may not.
       Don't assume, ask. Does your dom see it that way? Do you have a realtime dom, or is this all fantasy? Dreams are sweet but they may or may not have anything to do with reality.
   I never "put up with" the infliction of pain by my dom. I wanted it, and welcomed it. I would not have "put up with" it. There even may have been some times when he was service topping me, more for my own enjoyment of the torture, than his own.
  Your dom may see it as you drinking it in because of your enjoyment of it (as much as, or moreso than his) rather than proving your love. He may just think you do it because you're a pain slut. Again, communicate.





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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 2:29:59 PM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		I like being a slave and a masochist because it allows me to be myself, to be natural.
 


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Aka missturbation

It's not shopping if you buy 10 items or less.

If it fits in a toaster, i can cook it.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Prov

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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 2:30:23 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You want to be in a relationship where you are never good enough? Constantly being criticized and punished? And only on rare occasions being told you did well?

Wouldn't work for me. If I was constantly being told how incompetent I was, I would give up trying. That's why I held out until I met a man who actually likes me as I am, who loves me for my flaws and not despite them.

Beyond that, I don't have to know what he gets out of it, I only need to accept his word that he gets enough out of it to stay in the relationship. Because I'm never going to understand why he wants all the work and responsibility that go with being the dominant, simply because to him what is positive is negative if I had to do it. I just need to trust his word and believe him.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/25/2009 3:03:25 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I enjoy my role as slave because I love to please but I spent too many years being criticized unfairly and being given tasks in the hope that I would fail and then there was anger when I did not.  That relationship was vanilla.  Serving a true Master who appreciates the things that I do for him and provides me with rewards when I have done exceptionally is a whole different thing.

If you enjoy being a martyr more power to you.  I know that most of us would never be happy that way. 


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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/26/2009 3:15:41 AM   
InTonguesslave


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/6/2009
Status: offline 		being submissive doesnt mean we are martyrs to the cause of pleasing.  for many pleasing is what pleases us, its what makes our day rock.

if i take punishment it is designed to make me regret what i have done, not do it again and move on.  if i felt sorry for myself i would get absolutely no sympathy whatsoever and just get told to suck it up.

in general i think you have the right instincts, but i think you also need to drop the innocent victim martyr thing, im not sure, i might be wrong, but i think alot of D's would find that irritating.

and luci has a really good point there about relying on their need for you -

in many ways this is a mans world right here (male D's/fem subs that is) - they can be pretty ruthless in what they want and expect from their subs and slaves.  so just go carefully with all of that, ok.

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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/26/2009 11:08:31 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		Very interesting.

That amount of criticism is intense.

The only time I use criticism is in humiliation play, and there the emphasis is on "play".

But it's interesting to hear how it works for others.

And I could see how the rewards that you mention could be sweet, because they are appreciated so much.

I think we have a bit of a problem in our society of wanting to "eat desert first", in that too many easy pleasures are sometimes taken for granted.

More power to you both and thanks for posting this.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

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RE: why i like being a sub and masochist - 4/26/2009 11:23:37 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		I have read and reread and thought over the OP to this thread and I still think it sounds just like a lot of the bdsm fiction I have read. It just doesn't come across as realistic.

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Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
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