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vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/27/2009 10:30:23 PM

animesub

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For me there has always been a balance between the two. Though I yearn for a DS relationship, if I'm with someone, as I am, and it's something beautiful but maybe she doesn't feel the dominant role, is it worth it to push for it?
perhaps someone has already posted this topic, if so direct me to it but otherwise chime in.

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/28/2009 3:01:04 AM

SlaveBlutarsky

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That's only something you can decide.

I've had two long term relationships in which I've introduced the concept to vanilla women, neither ran away screaming, but neither embraced the role as much as I'd have liked either. It was a large part of the reason both relationships failed.

You simply have to weigh the risks in 'pushing' for it. I personally don't think you should have to push for anything in a relationship. If I did, I wouldn't feel it was the right relationship for me.

I date vanilla women still, though I know I'll never have a serious relationship with them. I do it in the hopes that they are kind of in the same boat as me or very open to the idea.

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/28/2009 3:13:08 AM

Goddess2002

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No...I tried a vanilla marriage and always felt like I was stifling a huge part of myself. Life is too short.

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/28/2009 3:31:39 AM

DesFIP

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It depends. Do you need a power relationship or do you just enjoy the occasional kinky sex? Because you can have enjoyable sex without the ropes and toys but if you are wired for a power relationship then you will not be happy with someone who doesn't grasp that.

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/28/2009 3:37:41 AM

littlewonder

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For me someone is either a dominant personality or not. If they aren't I won't be attracted to them anyway.

They don't have to know what bdsm is. They don't have to be into kinky sex but they definitely have to have a dominant personality, a leader in life.

I would say if everything is going well and you can live without the kinky sex then be content with your life. Remind yourself why you love her in the first place. So many people forget why they fell in love with each other in the first place.

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/30/2009 7:58:01 AM

animesub

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Wow, those were all really good responses.
I think I agree a little bit of what each of you said.
Regular(or vanila) sex is still enjoyable for me but to really get the
engine running the kinkier the better through submission.
Also it's different in that when we do have sex it's more about making love
than anything else really as sometimes we don't get to see eachother as much(we're both students and work).
Thanks again everyone!

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/30/2009 8:04:04 AM

IronBear

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Interestingly enough, all my lone term relationships have embraced the Pagan faith but only my current marriage has also embraced the BDSM lifestyle. This is the one which will last the longest and certainly over the last seven years been the most peaceful and loving.

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/30/2009 9:52:19 AM

YourhandMyAss

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Not to me it's not. They're either capable of being what I need from the get go or they're not. Pushing when they're not won't change anything, but serve to alinate me from them and them from me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: animesub

For me there has always been a balance between the two. Though I yearn for a DS relationship, if I'm with someone, as I am, and it's something beautiful but maybe she doesn't feel the dominant role, is it worth it to push for it?
perhaps someone has already posted this topic, if so direct me to it but otherwise chime in.

(in reply to animesub)

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/30/2009 10:26:04 AM

4u2spoil

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Pushing won't help if the person doesn't have it in them. The D/s relationship I want is one that includes large aspects of a vanilla relationship. Despite my best efforts most of the guys I've met through shared D/s interests have only been interested in submission - not always a certain act, but just submitting for the sake of scratching that itch. In vanilla situations I try to give cues to enough of my personality that my kink interests wouldn't come as a shock, but that's as much as you can do.

If you're looking for the power aspect rather than kink, you could do things like give her massages on a schedule, or let her know that making her happy makes you happy (and ask for direction in making her happy). It might bring something out, it may not. But it's a way to see how she'd respond to something more intense.

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/30/2009 10:38:34 AM

oceanwinds

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Please do understand this is solely my opinion and experience. It is not meant to be a negative on anyone else's choices. In my 29 year marriage we were vanilla. Yes, we did try a few things in the bedroom; spanking etc. but my husband was not into that. Every thing else in our marriage was good, and it never occured to me to go outside it to look for someone who could be a Dom. to me. What we had worked for us and would had continue, but death came knocking at the door. Maybe because of my submissive nature I accepted what he wanted verses what I wanted. I do not know, because I didnt even know that I was submissive at that time. Finding someone compatable with me was a blessing. I would give or do whatever he wanted and not push him into my own wants verses needs. Again, this is just about me and I cannot speak for others. When I met Sir he said he did not do vanilla well. Since again I was blessed in meeting someone compatable with me, I offered what he wanted and needed verses my wants.

It would be a hard choice and I wish you happiness with whatever choice you make.

oceanwinds

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/30/2009 11:02:31 AM

LaTigresse

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I am probably an odd duck, compared to many on this site. I do not need, or expect, one person to be everything. I try to find the things in each that makes them unique and wonderful. If they have more qualities that meld well with my own than not, I remain open to the possibilities.

The ONLY thing that is a must for me, is that I have more than 50% of the control in most aspects of the relationship. I have got to be the boss to be happy. For me the rest is like frosting and sprinkles, fun but not necessary. Most people have some degree of kink so it's all good.

My biggest hurdles in creating a relationship are rarely kink interests, but moreso, regular life realities. Accepting the daily grind stuff, the time and energy involved. Accepting that I am not going to be able to focus on them 24/7 and do not expect them to be able to focus similarly on me.

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/30/2009 11:59:54 AM

subtlebutterfly

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I'm in love with you already!

or uh should that be marry me already? I'm not sure.

< Message edited by subtlebutterfly -- 4/30/2009 12:05:52 PM >

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/30/2009 1:05:21 PM

subtlebutterfly

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o n - happy belated bday :O)

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RE: vanilla relationship VS. DS relationship - 4/30/2009 1:07:28 PM

dreamerdreaming