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CathyC -> im new..help! (4/28/2009 7:14:39 PM)

Hi! Im new at this whole thing and my boyfriend is pushing me into this. Not saying I don't like it I'm just saying I'm new and I have no idea of what this whole master/slave relationship thing is. He's talking about this collaring thing and I have no idea what the rules are.What is it even? And can someone help me with figuring out if I'm a master or slave or whatever else titles there are. Thanks <3



OsideGirl -> RE: im new..help! (4/28/2009 7:42:54 PM)

There is no rule book. The are as many versions of this life as there are people involved. The two of you need to sit down and work out what it means to YOU.



DarkSteven -> RE: im new..help! (4/28/2009 7:47:56 PM)

Tell your boyfriend to ease up.  He owes it to you to explain what he's getting you into.

Read these forums.  A LOT.  Lots of stuff to learn.

Join a local BDSM group and watch and learn.

I consider BDSM to take place in two places: in the bedroom, and out of the bedroom.  Out of the bedroom, it's simply who takes the initiative, and who follows.  In the bedroom, you have specific techniques.  While it's hard to get injured during oral sex or hand spanking, for example, a lot of techniques require knowing what the heck you're doing.  NEVER do breath play, fire play, or whipping unless you know what you're doing.  Even bondage can injure if done wrong.

Bottom line: make sure that you and your bf get trained in what you're doing.



Padriag -> RE: im new..help! (4/28/2009 7:55:51 PM)

Oiy...

First bit of advice.... you two need to slow WAY down and TALK.  I cannot possibly emphasize that enough, k?

Second, do some reading.  There are some great books out there.  Go find a copy of one called "The Loving Dominant" for starters.  It will answer quite alot of your questions.

Third, realize that you're jumping... or being pushed... into the deep end of the pool.  Right now you don't know enough to know what questions to ask... you seriously need to take a few swimming lessons first.

To answer your question about a collaring... its making a significant commitment to a D/s (shorthand for dominant/submissive) relationship... many compare it to marriage in seriousness.  The rules are something you both need to discuss beforehand, its something you need to agree on and understand completely before you make that decision.

Being perfectly honest, it sounds to me as if your boyfriend probably recently discovered this himself and is overly enamored with the idea of having his very own slave... and has a head full of fantasies to go with that.  I doubt he know much more about it than you, and the whole thing may fizzle out as reality sets in.  The down side is it could end up spoiling your relationship and/or leave you feeling very confused.

So seriously, both of you need to slow down and talk things out.  If after you've both made sure you have some real understanding of what you are getting yourself into, and you still want it... then by all means, go for it... just do it with your eyes wide open... both of you. 



kitastrophe33 -> RE: im new..help! (4/28/2009 7:57:39 PM)

You might check out the book "Come Hither." My boyfriend and I founded it really informative and useful in helping us talk about this....You and your partner need to talk too... Pushing someone into this is definitely not the way to go.




Lashra -> RE: im new..help! (4/28/2009 8:05:09 PM)

quote:

my boyfriend is pushing me into this.


Do not allow him to push you into anything. Anyone who is pushing does not have your best interests in mind, he is only thinking of himself. Tell him that you require more information so that you can make an informed decision. Read as much as you can on BDSM to at least become somewhat familiar with it. You may want to join a BDSM "newbie" group so that you can speak with others like yourself that are searching for information. Then decide who you are and on what side of the whip you wish to be on.

~Lashra



dreamerdreaming -> RE: im new..help! (4/28/2009 10:49:49 PM)

Tell him to back the fuck off. He has no right to bully you into anything. Don't put up with it.

If he is not sitting you down and having a real discussion about both of your needs and limits, and if he's not really listening, not really hearing you.... He's a piss-poor "dominant", lover, or partner of any kind.

D/s is a give-and-take, just like any other kind of relationship. If he doesn't demonstrate proper care and concern for your needs and desires, he's nothing special. Just a garden-variety, selfish jerk.

If you allow him to treat you badly in the beginning, it will only get worse. Insist on the proper attention to your feelings and needs right now. If he can't give it- watch out for a lot of cheap talk- if he can't show you proper care and attention with his actions right now, right from the start, he's wasting your time. Make him be good for you. Make him prove himself worthy of you. Not the other way around. Don't submit to some garden-variety, selfish jerk.



Interesdom -> RE: im new..help! (4/29/2009 6:12:50 AM)

I agree with much of what has been said, especially by Padriag and Lashra.

Do not let anyone push you into being a slave.  As a past (and future) slave owner myself, I would seriously advise great caution and a reading of a dictionary definition of slavery - just in case that's what the person you are talking to means when he says 'slave'.  For the same reason, beware of anyone who is a sadist - because the worst of them are the people you read about in the national news, when body parts are being discovered.  You need to understand how individuals use such words and what the effect on you might be.  That said, most of us here are very nice folk who are no-where near as scary as we might sound (ho ho)
[sm=crop.gif]

There is a fairly gentle introduction into the roles in BDSM on the Wipipedia.  But do not expect everyone to agree on that information, or on any other information.  This is about fulfilling or enjoying yourself without harming anyone else - so what is important is doing what is fun, or doing what is fulfilling for you.

But there are some rules.
Most people here would agree that without such principles, you're not talking about BDSM but you might be talking about abuse.  It can be pretty intoxicating to suddenly discover the variety and liberation of what you will find on a site like this, so try to keep at least one foot grounded by becoming familiar with the above 'rules' and keep asking yourself "Do I know enough to decide; will I be safe; am I on the right side of the law?"  If the answer to each of those questions is 'yes' then give it a try.

I'm glad you found this site and I'm glad you started asking.  Keep reading, keep questioning, find your place and your peace.



chamberqueen -> RE: im new..help! (4/29/2009 6:24:16 AM)

You say you don't even know if you are a Master or a slave.  A Master is in charge, a slave follows commands.  If the Master is good in his role not only will the commands that he give lead to his own pleasure but also to your fulfillment.

You asked about a collar.  As previously stated it is a symbol of commitment and taken very seriously by many.  However, it is given different connotations in different relationships.  Some use a series of collars (for instance collar of consideration, training collar, and final collar) while I talked with one Master who had a series of eight.  It is easy for someone new to the lifestyle to be enamored with the idea of a collar (whether giving or receiving it) and may rush it.  A collar is typically given AFTER the Master and slave had sat down and discussed hard limits and they see that the dynamic is working well between them.

There are BDSM checklists available that can help you to discover the things that you are most interested in and the things that you never, ever want to do (hard limits).  These are things that would never consent to.  In most cases it works best if the hard limits of both parties match.  An area to specifically think about is whether or not your relationship will be monogamous, and if not how that should be handled.  You have every right to whatever limits you feel you need even if they seem silly to someone else. 

For myself I have found that trust did not grow in a straight line but more like waves coming in at high tide.  There was an overall growth but there were times when an emotional trigger was pulled and it made me back off a little.  It was totally internal because I needed to deal with painful past memories.  Don't be surprised if a few of your own past memories suddenly scare you. 

When trying something new it can be easy to really on drugs or alcohol to help bolster your confidence.  I don't suggest this for either of you.  They can also dull the senses, and any play involving pain may get out of hand because he doesn't fully realize the state you are in or you may not be feeling the sensation as clearly as you should.  You will both want clear heads, especially when starting something new.

Don't expect either of you to be perfect in your roles right from the start.  It will take a learning curve - about each other and about the lifestyle.  Expect that the relationship will evolve over time.  Things will get easier to make educated guesses at over time.

Make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons.  It should never be only to please someone else, but make sure that you are getting enjoyment out of it, too.  Let your mind wander to your fantasies and let him know some of the things that You have dreamed of. 

A D/s relationship can take you to a whole new level of confidence in yourself, trust in another, and a general feeling of well being.  Open communication is necessary for this which is the main reason I was drawn to the lifestyle.  Learn both separately and together, be open with each other and nonjudgmental, and get in touch with what each of you really wants.  It can be a glorious journey if you are with the right partner.



leadership527 -> RE: im new..help! (4/29/2009 6:27:45 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CathyC
Hi! Im new at this whole thing and my boyfriend is pushing me into this.
Not good. Tell him to slow the hell down.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CathyC: Not saying I don't like it
... and if you're boyfriend would like to keep it that way, then no more pushing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CathyCI'm just saying I'm new and I have no idea of what this whole master/slave relationship thing is.
OK, cutting right to the chase because you need some immediate information, the "master/slave" thing boils down to "you do EVERYTHING he tells you to" (for an advanced lesson, we can split hairs about what "anything" means). So where you work, who your friends are, how you vote, what you eat, what you drink, what addictions you have, all of it... his to control. In short, a Master/slave relationship is exactly like the words imply with the exception of it's concensual so either party can end the relationship if it isn't working out. Other than that, someone's the master and someone's the slave.

Now, let me note that I'm gonna guess your boyfriend barely understands these terms also. So just for the sake of completeness, there are entire spectrums of submisison ranging from almost nothing to the vast inclusiveness that is slavery. Everyone defines the terms a little differently, or in some cases, a lot differently. But no matter who defines them, there are ways to submit in limited scopes and ways to submit in much less limited scopes. I'd suggest having a plain english talk with your boyfriend and finding out exactly what sorts of things he's envisioning. Is this, in his mind, primarily a sexual activity? Is that OK with you? Did he really envision owning you totally? Do you think he's competent to actually own another human? etc. etc.



Fitznicely -> RE: im new..help! (4/29/2009 7:02:22 AM)

quickreply, and My opinions only. Take with the obvious dose of common sense:

In short, if it's not a joint consensual decision between the two of you, it'll never work and could be potentially harmful emotionally and physically.

I see collaring as a serious commitment, over and above a marriage vow. If your BF is THE ONE, then maybe down the line a ways, it'll be the option for you, but not, I'd say, at first...unless it's just part of your play and not intended to be 24/7.

Echoing what nearly everyone else has said, don't let yourself be pushed into anything. Read, read, read and read...and get HIM to do the same. It may sound like the boring option, but you'l learn sooo much just from these forums and other teriffic sites that you'll almost immediately gain an insight into what it is that you're getting into.

Congratulations on having the foresight to ask for help, congratulations on discovering BDSM in the first place and congratulations in finding a kinky BF....

BUT, explore carefully, consensually and safely, please!



Kaiel -> RE: im new..help! (4/29/2009 2:08:35 PM)

I agree with other posters, slow down... do some research... it's as easy as googling BDSM... There are tons of books on the subject, you can also find BDSM groups in your area.
Good luck!



CathyC -> RE: im new..help! (4/29/2009 2:47:23 PM)

Thank you everyone for the posts!!!! :) 



SexyBlackMan2 -> RE: im new..help! (4/30/2009 6:34:27 PM)

as a newbie, you need to take things slow. If your bf doesn't heed that, you may want to reconsider your relationship.

At the least, he needs to explain things to you. AND, you both should talk things out after any play.



DeViLiVeD -> RE: im new..help! (5/5/2009 6:03:29 PM)

In the very first place, do you even like bdsm? Do you wanna indulge in it? If no then no use to continue on. Just tell your bf to back off coz its not your game. But if you do like bdsm... then I welcome you...



DavanKael -> RE: im new..help! (5/5/2009 6:46:49 PM)

Welcome to CM, however I noticed when I perved your profile just now that you've not been logged on since the day you started your account, so not sure you'll get this reply. 
Anyway, what other people said. 
I will add that it's important, imo, to understand and hopefully be open to what one's partner wants but ideally and ultimately there should be something 'in it' for you.  As you're researching, as you're reading, think about not only what your boyfriend wants but also what you want and how the dynamics/activities he's proposing may or may not work well for/appeal to you. 
Relationships involve negotiation and communication.  I think there needs to be some more of that. 
Best wishes, 
  Davan



ranja -> RE: im new..help! (5/6/2009 2:04:40 AM)

Ask lots of questions of him and of other people here, read threads and books and watch movies and porn...find out what you like and what not, and have fun!
(there are switches too, they play both dom and sub parts)
collaring means a lot to some and less to others like getting married



elegantgem -> RE: im new..help! (5/6/2009 11:36:14 AM)

Why would you ask strangers to teach you and not the one who asked you in the first place?

Just curious

You might want to start at the start - your boyfriend

Why does he want to do this?
Does he know what this is?
How did he find out about this?
What kinks turn him on about this?
Has he done this before?



KoolnSassy -> RE: im new..help! (5/6/2009 11:42:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CathyC

Hi! Im new at this whole thing and my boyfriend is pushing me into this. Not saying I don't like it I'm just saying I'm new and I have no idea of what this whole master/slave relationship thing is. He's talking about this collaring thing and I have no idea what the rules are.What is it even? And can someone help me with figuring out if I'm a master or slave or whatever else titles there are. Thanks <3


Don't let yourself get pushed into anything. You have a right to understand what is expected of you and what you can expect. I suggest doing some reading about all this to find out if it's even something you want and like. Then you and your boyfriend need to sit down and talk about all of it. Everyone makes their own rules, but the one thing that can guarantee failure is not knowing what they are and just bumbling along. I view a D/s relationship very similarly to that of any other agreement. If I need work done on my house, I don't just call a contractor up and say here fix it. I communicate what I want and we discuss price etc. So, don't let yourself be pushed and maneuvered around. Tell your boyfriend you want to understand what all this is before you make any decisions about it.



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